Help

[Guest guest]

I just joined the group today. I am struggling to find help for myself around

this issue. I have known for a while that my mother has BPD. Our relationship

has been volatile, hostile and frightening most of my life with intermittent

periods of kindness from her. She has terrible abandonment fears and has tried

to interfere with most of my relationships in subtle ways.

I recently got married-I am in my mid-thirties and never thought I'd get away

from her long enough to find someone to love! Mom has subtly (and not so subtly)

fought me since day 1 of my relationship. Before the bridal shower I experienced

a panic response similar to a PTSD reaction. She was mad at me about something

small and I became terrified and could not calm down. I used the support of my

therapist and friends to help soothe me and then the day of-she was totally

fine, of course. During my wedding mom almost seemed to dissociate, she got

drunk and mostly ignored me, which was fine, honestly.

However, since I got married, I've been plagued by guilt and sadness for

'abandoning'her. I continue to feel afraid of her and anxious about when she

will turn on me. I also continue to experience a lot of guilt about my career

which has been increasingly successful. My mother has always let me know that my

successes threaten her. My brother is getting married this week-end and my mom

has been in a tizzy the last few weeks about minor details. I have been

experiencing panic and fear all week to the point of getting physically ill

yesterday. Is this normal? I feel crazy and am so tired of feeling frightened

and confused. My husband is supportive but this is all pretty overwhelming for

him. Any support would be so appreciated right now. I just want to feel ok

again.