Guest guest Posted August 31, 2012 Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 Hello, i m about to leave to stay for 10 days with my MIL. For those who do not know, she is BPD and a narcissist. I have been doing a lot of research lately and narcissism fits the bill also. Please, if you get a chance, read and give the option a chance. It does make a lot of sense in my BPD. I have not talked to her lately and it has been a good year i should say because of it. My husband though listens to her rants and lies every night, for hours at a time sometimes. I never brought up the subject again in months, it is better that way, but my marriage is not in good shape if I cannot express myself and it brings a lot of tension. It is not about what she says to me or about me, I could not care less, but the lies about everybody and the complete carelessness over her daughter's health issues are my concern and that my husband believes everything she says. Seeking professional help is an insult to her and the whole family so, it is either deal with it or goodbye. She is smoking more, drinking more, sleeping at random hours and not eating because she says she is fat. Nice combination of completely unhealthy habits to make someone go even more nuts. The hoarding got a lot worse too. I can write many stories about what has happened these past couple of months but i ll stick to one. She wants my husband to buy her house ( which my father in law already owns ) so they do not lose it in the future when they r old. She wants us to give her money for the house. We r not millionaires, we r paying our school bills and do not have a house of our own and she wants to stay in the house. She is desperate for money and she has no limits. All that matters to her is herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 31, 2012 Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 It makes me sad but I'm getting the impression that your husband is decidedly more bonded to and loyal to his parents than he is to you; he is even willing to ruin you both financially in order to get approval from them. Nobody but you can decide what you are or are not able to tolerate, but for me, personally, that would be a marriage deal-breaker: no bankrupting ourselves to buy the parents a house. But like I said, only you know what you yourself can manage or tolerate emotionally, physically, and financially. If your in-laws have said absolutely NO to any kind of individual therapy for themselves, and NO to family counseling for all of you, and if your husband has said NO to marriage counseling for the two of you, well, they're leaving you no options. As you've pointed out, they've basically told you that its their way or the highway. Only you can decide which of those options you can accept. I hope that others here at the Group may see other options for you to consider; it pains me to offer such a bleak outlook. -Annie > > Hello, > > i m about to leave to stay for 10 days with my MIL. For those who do not know, she is BPD and a narcissist. > > I have been doing a lot of research lately and narcissism fits the bill also. Please, if you get a chance, read and give the option a chance. It does make a lot of sense in my BPD. > > I have not talked to her lately and it has been a good year i should say because of it. My husband though listens to her rants and lies every night, for hours at a time sometimes. I never brought up the subject again in months, it is better that way, but my marriage is not in good shape if I cannot express myself and it brings a lot of tension. It is not about what she says to me or about me, I could not care less, but the lies about everybody and the complete carelessness over her daughter's health issues are my concern and that my husband believes everything she says. Seeking professional help is an insult to her and the whole family so, it is either deal with it or goodbye. > > She is smoking more, drinking more, sleeping at random hours and not eating because she says she is fat. Nice combination of completely unhealthy habits to make someone go even more nuts. The hoarding got a lot worse too. > > I can write many stories about what has happened these past couple of months but i ll stick to one. She wants my husband to buy her house ( which my father in law already owns ) so they do not lose it in the future when they r old. She wants us to give her money for the house. We r not millionaires, we r paying our school bills and do not have a house of our own and she wants to stay in the house. She is desperate for money and she has no limits. All that matters to her is herself. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 31, 2012 Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 Annie, my husband even said no to the house (thank God). He says she said it out of ignorance on the subject. He told them to sell it to somebody else. We cannot afford a house for ourselves so we r not buying it (it is already theirs) for them to live in it. We ll see how that subject evolves. My husband doesnt think there is anything wrong with her other than bouts of anger but that she goes back to normal. That is what he saw growing up, i cant change that. He handles her the best he can and even though i think it is wrong, it is the best he can. I accepted that. What i am worried about though is this thought of seeking therapy is taboo for that family, even though the state takes care of her daughter's mental problems ( again, everything applies to everybody but herself). The manipulation of showing herself as a fragile victim of the world to my husband is the main problem as I stated before. She has a personality for each person to get what she wants. I do not think i need couple's therapy now even though it caused a lot of arguments in the past. I am happy he wants to listen to his mom but there has to be a limit to many of the things she says and does to make everybody around her look bad. My husband has been telling her things I told him to say and I can tell that he listens to me more on it but if i bring up that she needs therapy, it would be back to square one. Mental health talks brought a lot of problems in the past n my husband doesnt want that to happen again so back to keep walking on eggshells around her! He doesnt choose her, that is the best way he found to deal with her. My normal SIL has no relationship with her mom. > > > > Hello, > > > > i m about to leave to stay for 10 days with my MIL. For those who do not know, she is BPD and a narcissist. > > > > I have been doing a lot of research lately and narcissism fits the bill also. Please, if you get a chance, read and give the option a chance. It does make a lot of sense in my BPD. > > > > I have not talked to her lately and it has been a good year i should say because of it. My husband though listens to her rants and lies every night, for hours at a time sometimes. I never brought up the subject again in months, it is better that way, but my marriage is not in good shape if I cannot express myself and it brings a lot of tension. It is not about what she says to me or about me, I could not care less, but the lies about everybody and the complete carelessness over her daughter's health issues are my concern and that my husband believes everything she says. Seeking professional help is an insult to her and the whole family so, it is either deal with it or goodbye. > > > > She is smoking more, drinking more, sleeping at random hours and not eating because she says she is fat. Nice combination of completely unhealthy habits to make someone go even more nuts. The hoarding got a lot worse too. > > > > I can write many stories about what has happened these past couple of months but i ll stick to one. She wants my husband to buy her house ( which my father in law already owns ) so they do not lose it in the future when they r old. She wants us to give her money for the house. We r not millionaires, we r paying our school bills and do not have a house of our own and she wants to stay in the house. She is desperate for money and she has no limits. All that matters to her is herself. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 31, 2012 Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 10 days with a bpder! I can barely handle 10 minutes. Lol. I can see why you are so frustrated and feelong tension in your marriage. That must be hard. It sounds like your dh is not ready to see things the way they really are...he may need a mother so badly that he is willing to pretend she is one. Maybe someday he will see...but in the meantime: You can have different boundaries than he does. He might be willing to listen to her for hours, but you dont have to. He might be willing to stay with her for 10 days, but you don't have to. You can decide what you are comfortable with and take care of you first. You also don't have to listen to him vent about her if you dont want to. You might look up a technique called Medium Chill to help you survive your time with her. Basically it is being as boring and disinterested as possible. Also you are right...npd is frequently comorbid with bpd. It is not fun to deal wth either. Good luck. Sveta > > > > > > Hello, > > > > > > i m about to leave to stay for 10 days with my MIL. For those who do not know, she is BPD and a narcissist. > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of research lately and narcissism fits the bill also. Please, if you get a chance, read and give the option a chance. It does make a lot of sense in my BPD. > > > > > > I have not talked to her lately and it has been a good year i should say because of it. My husband though listens to her rants and lies every night, for hours at a time sometimes. I never brought up the subject again in months, it is better that way, but my marriage is not in good shape if I cannot express myself and it brings a lot of tension. It is not about what she says to me or about me, I could not care less, but the lies about everybody and the complete carelessness over her daughter's health issues are my concern and that my husband believes everything she says. Seeking professional help is an insult to her and the whole family so, it is either deal with it or goodbye. > > > > > > She is smoking more, drinking more, sleeping at random hours and not eating because she says she is fat. Nice combination of completely unhealthy habits to make someone go even more nuts. The hoarding got a lot worse too. > > > > > > I can write many stories about what has happened these past couple of months but i ll stick to one. She wants my husband to buy her house ( which my father in law already owns ) so they do not lose it in the future when they r old. She wants us to give her money for the house. We r not millionaires, we r paying our school bills and do not have a house of our own and she wants to stay in the house. She is desperate for money and she has no limits. All that matters to her is herself. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 31, 2012 Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 Thank you! my husband says people do not need to see a therapist, that it is up to them to change by themselves that the first step is to realize there is a problem. He hates labeling with psychological terms like BPD or whatever mental problem. He says it is up to her to change. I think he is just used to his mom and knows how to handle her better than me. This time i ll try it his way, who knows? Even though it is not my responsibility, i wish i could help. If his technique works, i ll share it here! Your idea sounds interesting but all i can tell you is that i once called to check on her daughter that was having some health issues and in 2 hours of phone conversation the whole time was about herself and went crazy when i asked about her daughter. She needs to be the center of attention or she has a tantrum. It might backfire... Thank you again! > > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > > > > > i m about to leave to stay for 10 days with my MIL. For those who do not know, she is BPD and a narcissist. > > > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of research lately and narcissism fits the bill also. Please, if you get a chance, read and give the option a chance. It does make a lot of sense in my BPD. > > > > > > > > I have not talked to her lately and it has been a good year i should say because of it. My husband though listens to her rants and lies every night, for hours at a time sometimes. I never brought up the subject again in months, it is better that way, but my marriage is not in good shape if I cannot express myself and it brings a lot of tension. It is not about what she says to me or about me, I could not care less, but the lies about everybody and the complete carelessness over her daughter's health issues are my concern and that my husband believes everything she says. Seeking professional help is an insult to her and the whole family so, it is either deal with it or goodbye. > > > > > > > > She is smoking more, drinking more, sleeping at random hours and not eating because she says she is fat. Nice combination of completely unhealthy habits to make someone go even more nuts. The hoarding got a lot worse too. > > > > > > > > I can write many stories about what has happened these past couple of months but i ll stick to one. She wants my husband to buy her house ( which my father in law already owns ) so they do not lose it in the future when they r old. She wants us to give her money for the house. We r not millionaires, we r paying our school bills and do not have a house of our own and she wants to stay in the house. She is desperate for money and she has no limits. All that matters to her is herself. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2012 Report Share Posted September 1, 2012 I'd like to add my input on this one. I was like your husband - knew something was wrong with my mom, my MIL would say things like my dad and I should get her help, but figured I could " handle " her. I could " handle " her better than my brothers..I even somehow managed to get my husband and kids on board, walking on eggshells, keep grandma happy, don't upset her, don't have an opinion, don't let it all " backfire " . Most of the things she seemed to ask from us seemed small and insignificant, things I could do or ignore. Like listening to her rant for 2 hours. But that was until 3 months ago when she asked more than I could give, long story that involved her moving my two 50 year old drug addicted, unemployed brothers in with us (yes, I somehow managed to get talked into buying a house with my parents..) When I had to put my foot down and say enough, she went crazy and guess what, she is not talking to me. (Like most all relationships in her life she has cut me off - my brothers have been in and out of the picture for decades) I guess what I always knew would happen if I crossed her. So the real question is " why " is your husband walking on eggshells around her, what is he really afraid of?? This whole experience has brought to the surface all the physical and emotional abuse from when I was a child, how she had insidiously controlled my life, even when I didn't realize she had! I am seeing a therapist now, something I never thought I would have to do, but I have to deal with these surfaced emotions, so I can be there for my husband and children. I am in the process if grieving right now, because my illusions of my relationship with my mother (and I am now becoming aware that I have an enabling father) were all false. I think I am suffering from some PTSD as well, this has been a hard few months and I have asked my T what I am supposed to do with all these emotions and the answer is to feel them.I have been taught to bury my feelings and feeling this uncomfortable right now sometimes feels like I am dying. The physical symptoms are there too going along with the grief. Your email concerns me because I think your husband may have issues that are buried like mine. No, his mom doesn't need a label or diagnosis, my T has never used the term BPD during our sessions, just has validated that my mom didn't give us what a mom needs to give her children. Your husband may not need a therapist but he should examine what keeps him walking on eggshells. I hope this helps.. Hugs, NG I : WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of maruon2wheels Sent: August-31-12 10:29 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Here we go again... Thank you! my husband says people do not need to see a therapist, that it is up to them to change by themselves that the first step is to realize there is a problem. He hates labeling with psychological terms like BPD or whatever mental problem. He says it is up to her to change. I think he is just used to his mom and knows how to handle her better than me. This time i ll try it his way, who knows? Even though it is not my responsibility, i wish i could help. If his technique works, i ll share it here! Your idea sounds interesting but all i can tell you is that i once called to check on her daughter that was having some health issues and in 2 hours of phone conversation the whole time was about herself and went crazy when i asked about her daughter. She needs to be the center of attention or she has a tantrum. It might backfire... Thank you again! > > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > > > > > i m about to leave to stay for 10 days with my MIL. For those who do not know, she is BPD and a narcissist. > > > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of research lately and narcissism fits the bill also. Please, if you get a chance, read and give the option a chance. It does make a lot of sense in my BPD. > > > > > > > > I have not talked to her lately and it has been a good year i should say because of it. My husband though listens to her rants and lies every night, for hours at a time sometimes. I never brought up the subject again in months, it is better that way, but my marriage is not in good shape if I cannot express myself and it brings a lot of tension. It is not about what she says to me or about me, I could not care less, but the lies about everybody and the complete carelessness over her daughter's health issues are my concern and that my husband believes everything she says. Seeking professional help is an insult to her and the whole family so, it is either deal with it or goodbye. > > > > > > > > She is smoking more, drinking more, sleeping at random hours and not eating because she says she is fat. Nice combination of completely unhealthy habits to make someone go even more nuts. The hoarding got a lot worse too. > > > > > > > > I can write many stories about what has happened these past couple of months but i ll stick to one. She wants my husband to buy her house ( which my father in law already owns ) so they do not lose it in the future when they r old. She wants us to give her money for the house. We r not millionaires, we r paying our school bills and do not have a house of our own and she wants to stay in the house. She is desperate for money and she has no limits. All that matters to her is herself. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2012 Report Share Posted September 1, 2012 Labels arent the most important thing...I can agree with your DH there. But boundaries are. Your DH definitely sounds like he has his head in the sand about that unless I am missing something. Sounds more like he thinks he shouln't have his own needs or feelings and that he doesn't need any boundaries. Medium chill is not the same thing as listening to things you dont want to hear. You don't have to stay on the phone for two hours. At least you know know your MIL can only talk about herself so you can adjust your expectations. Now you know that she is not the person to call when you need information about someone else. Now I'm curious :What exactly is " DH's way, " and what do you mean when you say " if it works? " What is the goal? Is he trying something new or going about things the same way as he always has and expecting a different result. > > > > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > > > > > > > i m about to leave to stay for 10 days with my MIL. For those who do not know, she is BPD and a narcissist. > > > > > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of research lately and narcissism fits the bill also. Please, if you get a chance, read and give the option a chance. It does make a lot of sense in my BPD. > > > > > > > > > > I have not talked to her lately and it has been a good year i should say because of it. My husband though listens to her rants and lies every night, for hours at a time sometimes. I never brought up the subject again in months, it is better that way, but my marriage is not in good shape if I cannot express myself and it brings a lot of tension. It is not about what she says to me or about me, I could not care less, but the lies about everybody and the complete carelessness over her daughter's health issues are my concern and that my husband believes everything she says. Seeking professional help is an insult to her and the whole family so, it is either deal with it or goodbye. > > > > > > > > > > She is smoking more, drinking more, sleeping at random hours and not eating because she says she is fat. Nice combination of completely unhealthy habits to make someone go even more nuts. The hoarding got a lot worse too. > > > > > > > > > > I can write many stories about what has happened these past couple of months but i ll stick to one. She wants my husband to buy her house ( which my father in law already owns ) so they do not lose it in the future when they r old. She wants us to give her money for the house. We r not millionaires, we r paying our school bills and do not have a house of our own and she wants to stay in the house. She is desperate for money and she has no limits. All that matters to her is herself. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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