BPD Therapy Technique to Control Anger?

[Guest guest]

I've caught on that when my mom wants to yell, she blows air, like she's gently

blowing out a birthday candle.

She does it all the time. I could disagree with something very trivial, and

she'll blow air. Sometimes, I'll notice her walking around blowing air, and I'll

wonder what I did.

I don't like it though because I get anxious and stressed out almost as much as

if she were to just yell--because I know she wants to.

Anyone familiar with this, or is this just something my mom made up for herself?

[Guest guest]

That is an interesting calming-down technique; your bpd mom is almost literally

" blowing off steam " instead of yelling at you. But, it IS interesting

(fascinating, actually) that she is *showing* you that she is angry but

controlling it, as though she has found an indirect way to display her anger at

you that's " OK " .

So in one way, its a good and healthy thing that she realizes that she doesn't

want to explode at you with yelling, and so she has hit on this technique of

distracting herself by blowing air... and yet in another way its kind of...

passive aggressive. She IS doing something that *indirectly* or *symbolically*

lets you know that yes, she is very angry at you.

There's just something a tad " drama queen " about needing to " perform " her

rage-neutralizing ritual in front of (or within earshot of) the object or

source of her anger, making sure that you KNOW damned well that she is actually

angry but heroically controlling it... KWIM?

If this behavior of your bpd mother makes you anxious *you have the right to

calm yourself, too.* You can just discretely remove yourself from the room or

the house if this behavior is making you anxious and stressed. Just an option

to consider.

(See the " Medium Chill " technique, a short article at post #132289)

But to answer your question, no, my nada never did that particular behavior.

She apparently didn't feel she ought to calm herself down because she had the

right to explode at us and release her

anger/anxiety/frustration/disappointment/hurt, etc., at living human punching

bags.

-Annie

>

> I've caught on that when my mom wants to yell, she blows air, like she's

gently blowing out a birthday candle.

>

> She does it all the time. I could disagree with something very trivial, and

she'll blow air. Sometimes, I'll notice her walking around blowing air, and I'll

wonder what I did.

>

> I don't like it though because I get anxious and stressed out almost as much

as if she were to just yell--because I know she wants to.

>

> Anyone familiar with this, or is this just something my mom made up for

herself?

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's interesting that the particular form in which rage is expressed isn't as

important as the fact that rage is expressed.

I had an npd/bpd ex-partner that did something like this. It's not really

rocket science. Sighing is often an expression of anger and frustration.

Blowing air seems like an extension of sighing.

Your mom seems to have gotten around her internal prohibitions against yelling

and screaming by finding another way to way to make sure you knew she was

displeased.

I wonder what she would do if you just said, " You seem really angry right now? "

the next time she blew air.

Take care,

Ashana