New, am I surviving this ordeal correctly.

[Guest guest]

Hello! The BPD'd person in my life is my m-i-l, who is living with us due to her

imminent lack of funds (at the rate her assisted living facility was charging).

I could type for 48 hours non-stop and not cover all the games she has played

and is playing and I'm sure you have all experienced the same; so, I will move

on.

I would like some feedback for dealing with her at this point in time; since she

hasn't had any therapy based on BPD diagnosis and I was only recently made aware

of this diagnosis and am just now researching.

We will get the books and have her first appt for this diagnosis in less than

two weeks.

So, for now, when she complains; I make her eat her words, live with her words,

regret (ROFL - no such luck) her words. I.E. she complains about the amount of

beverage I put in her glass ... the next and every meal in future I give her an

empty glass with the container of beverage for her to pour herself.///She

complains about the particular glass I set out ... the next and every meal in

future she has to stop by the cupboard and get her own glass to pour her own

beverage.///She turns off the a/c vent that is directed at me in the back seat

.... she now sits in the back seat of the car.

My husband is ambivalent about my methods; they work for me, but I do not want

to be considered abusive (not my husband's concern rather the monther-in-laws

guilting).

I really hope I have followed all guidelines for posting.

I really, deeply appreciated this outlet.

Lucy4321

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Lucille.

One technique that might help you is called " Medium Chill " . Its about being

unflappable, bland and non-reactive to obnoxious bpd behaviors, such as, for

example, when the person with bpd is negative and critical toward you in an

attempt to goad you into an angry, defensive response. Medium Chill is not

ignoring the person with bpd, its just about becoming... boring to them, I

guess. You can read the short article about Medium Chill at post #132289 of

this Group.

That's great that you are planning to read some of the great books that are

available now about borderline pd, and educate yourself about this mental

disorder and the many ways it can manifest itself; knowledge is power, and

knowing more about the disorder can help us non-pd family members to not take

their obnoxious behaviors quite as personally. " Understanding The Borderline

Mother " was a huge eye-opener for me; it really changed my perspective on my

relationship with my bpd mother (or " nada " ).

You've already got the general idea about setting boundaries; a boundary is for

you: its how you will respond when presented with an unacceptable behavior by

your bpd mil. So you are already establishing that there are rules at your

house, which include the expectation of civil, polite behavior from all

parties, and there are consequences for unacceptable behaviors, but at the same

time you're allowing your bpd mil to have some control or some choices in her

daily routine, which I think is both wise and compassionate.

Sounds like you're on the right track to me.

-Annie

>

> Hello! The BPD'd person in my life is my m-i-l, who is living with us due to

her imminent lack of funds (at the rate her assisted living facility was

charging).

> I could type for 48 hours non-stop and not cover all the games she has played

and is playing and I'm sure you have all experienced the same; so, I will move

on.

> I would like some feedback for dealing with her at this point in time; since

she hasn't had any therapy based on BPD diagnosis and I was only recently made

aware of this diagnosis and am just now researching.

> We will get the books and have her first appt for this diagnosis in less than

two weeks.

> So, for now, when she complains; I make her eat her words, live with her

words, regret (ROFL - no such luck) her words. I.E. she complains about the

amount of beverage I put in her glass ... the next and every meal in future I

give her an empty glass with the container of beverage for her to pour

herself.///She complains about the particular glass I set out ... the next and

every meal in future she has to stop by the cupboard and get her own glass to

pour her own beverage.///She turns off the a/c vent that is directed at me in

the back seat ... she now sits in the back seat of the car.

> My husband is ambivalent about my methods; they work for me, but I do not want

to be considered abusive (not my husband's concern rather the monther-in-laws

guilting).

> I really hope I have followed all guidelines for posting.

> I really, deeply appreciated this outlet.

> Lucy4321

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Lucy,

I don't think there is a " correct " way to survive the ordeal but

I'd say you're handling it in a reasonable way. Reading the

books will be helpful. Don't expect an official diagnosis to

make her see the light and change. People with BPD generally

don't believe anything is wrong with them and don't want to

change. Therapy can be helpful for people who want to change but

not so much for people who feel no desire to change.

As long as you're not expecting her to do things she isn't

capable of doing without harm, making her do things for herself

if she complains about how you do them for her sounds like a

good method of enforcing a boundary about complaints. It is not

abusive to not want to wait on someone who does nothing but

complain about what you do for her. Making her walk five miles

to the store to buy her own food because she complained about

what you bought would be excessive and possibly abusive. Making

her walk to the kitchen to get a glass and pour her own drink is

not.

At 11:57 AM 08/31/2012 lucilleball43214321 wrote:

>Hello! The BPD'd person in my life is my m-i-l, who is living

>with us due to her imminent lack of funds (at the rate her

>assisted living facility was charging).

>I could type for 48 hours non-stop and not cover all the games

>she has played and is playing and I'm sure you have all

>experienced the same; so, I will move on.

>I would like some feedback for dealing with her at this point

>in time; since she hasn't had any therapy based on BPD

>diagnosis and I was only recently made aware of this diagnosis

>and am just now researching.

>We will get the books and have her first appt for this

>diagnosis in less than two weeks.

>So, for now, when she complains; I make her eat her words, live

>with her words, regret (ROFL - no such luck) her words.

>I.E. she complains about the amount of beverage I put in her

>glass ... the next and every meal in future I give her an

>empty glass with the container of beverage for her to pour

>herself.///She complains about the particular glass I set out

>... the next and every meal in future she has to stop by the

>cupboard and get her own glass to pour her own beverage.///She

>turns off the a/c vent that is directed at me in the back seat

>... she now sits in the back seat of the car.

>My husband is ambivalent about my methods; they work for me,

>but I do not want to be considered abusive (not my husband's

>concern rather the monther-in-laws guilting).

>I really hope I have followed all guidelines for posting.

>I really, deeply appreciated this outlet.

>Lucy4321

> Mak

--

Katrina