Guest guest Posted July 31, 2003 Report Share Posted July 31, 2003 Welcome > Hi, I'm Maureen and new to this group. I know only one person in > this group, I think. I live in , BC and am pre op with Dr. > Amson for an open RNY. I am scheduled for surgery in September but > there are three people from May still waiting so I think I'll be > lucky to have ti done by December. I look forward to becomong as > active part of this group as I am in the BC-WLS group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2003 Report Share Posted August 1, 2003 welcome renee! & congrats on the 92 lbs. & way to go, on your beach vacation. lori h. > Hi! > > My name is and I'm new to this group but not to the surgery. > I had lap RNY performed by Dr. Elariny on Dec. 27, 2002 at Inova > Fairfax Hospital in Virginia. My weight before surgery was approx. > 275lbs and as of today I'm 183lbs (-92lbs). > I've enjoyed and learned so much from reading your messages and the > support you give to one another. The BIG difference this year is that I'm actually > looking forward to going to the beach with my family. Funny what a > little surgery can do for you! > > from land > Lap RNY > 12/27/03 275lbs > 07/31/03 183lbs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2003 Report Share Posted August 1, 2003 hi maureen, welcome to the group. very interesting to hear the national insurance perspective. lori h. > Hi, I'm Maureen and new to this group. I know only one person in > this group, I think. I live in , BC and am pre op with Dr. > Amson for an open RNY. I am scheduled for surgery in September but > there are three people from May still waiting so I think I'll be > lucky to have ti done by December. I look forward to becomong as > active part of this group as I am in the BC-WLS group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 Hi Corinne, Welcome to the group. What surgery are you having done? Upper and lower? This site has a wealth of knowledge for you to learn from. My only advice when posting messages---don't be discouraged if you don't get any reply's, just post again. Sometimes the person with an answer for you may not be on for a few days, so ask again. Good Luck, a > Hi! > Just stumbled on this group - and wanted to say hello! I am 2- months > into braces and just got my wisdom teeth pulled last week (not fun.) > > My surgery should happen sometime next year (maybe May 2004.) > I look forward to the firsthand accounts and support! > > Thanks! > Corinne Milligan > Dallas, Texas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2012 Report Share Posted September 1, 2012 Hello! I've posted on one of the other WTO sites, but there was so much about spouse issues I thought I would switch over. I'm new to understanding BPD - found it by accident when my brother and I were talking about our mother being narcissistic. NPD didn't totally fit the bill, although partially and one of the sites I ran across mentioned BPD. When I started researching it and bought Randi Kreger's book it was so relieving to finally feel like my relationship with my mother made sense (oxymoron - but relieving none the same). I've been NC with her for 6 weeks now as I'm working through learning about BPD and feeling overwhelmed remembering all the terrible incidences that have occurred over the years. I'm 37 now with 3 kids of my own and recently moved back into my hometown after having moved away 11 years ago to get away from BPD-mom. I made the mistake of going to HER hometown - where my Gpa still lived and she ended up visiting 6 months out of the year. I digress. . . my main concern is that with the 3 kids I don't know if I can maintain NC with her but all the things I have read on www.bpdfamily.com make it sound like NC is the best option - otherwise I'm STILL in for a rollercoaster. She is definitely the " Queen " - is Highly Functional and will most likely never admit she was not mother of the year 37 years running. She was not physically abusive -per se - if you don't count angry spankings. . . but verbally and emotionally, yes! I don't want my kids to think that behavior is okay, but I also don't want to teach them to walk away from a parent that isn't perfect either. Does anyone have suggestions on going LC with someone who has NO idea they have BPD? Boundaries are very difficult for her so I'm suspecting that if I approach her with strict boundaries (especially regarding spending time with HER grandchildren) the explosions that will ensue may lead back to NC anyway - but having not come completely out of the FOG I am still hoping she'll choose relationship over control. Am I dreaming???? Are strict boundaries worth the nagging, tears and anger that go with not doing everything a BPD mother wants her daughter to do??? Thanks!!! WJR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Hi welcome! If she is BPD, control comes first everything else is a means to get control. Hope this helps. I'd go NC to save myself and my children. Sounds like you're heading there anyway. > ** > > > Hello! > > I've posted on one of the other WTO sites, but there was so much about > spouse issues I thought I would switch over. I'm new to understanding BPD - > found it by accident when my brother and I were talking about our mother > being narcissistic. NPD didn't totally fit the bill, although partially and > one of the sites I ran across mentioned BPD. When I started researching it > and bought Randi Kreger's book it was so relieving to finally feel like my > relationship with my mother made sense (oxymoron - but relieving none the > same). > > I've been NC with her for 6 weeks now as I'm working through learning > about BPD and feeling overwhelmed remembering all the terrible incidences > that have occurred over the years. I'm 37 now with 3 kids of my own and > recently moved back into my hometown after having moved away 11 years ago > to get away from BPD-mom. I made the mistake of going to HER hometown - > where my Gpa still lived and she ended up visiting 6 months out of the year. > > I digress. . . my main concern is that with the 3 kids I don't know if I > can maintain NC with her but all the things I have read on > www.bpdfamily.com make it sound like NC is the best option - otherwise > I'm STILL in for a rollercoaster. She is definitely the " Queen " - is Highly > Functional and will most likely never admit she was not mother of the year > 37 years running. She was not physically abusive -per se - if you don't > count angry spankings. . . but verbally and emotionally, yes! I don't want > my kids to think that behavior is okay, but I also don't want to teach them > to walk away from a parent that isn't perfect either. > > Does anyone have suggestions on going LC with someone who has NO idea they > have BPD? Boundaries are very difficult for her so I'm suspecting that if I > approach her with strict boundaries (especially regarding spending time > with HER grandchildren) the explosions that will ensue may lead back to NC > anyway - but having not come completely out of the FOG I am still hoping > she'll choose relationship over control. Am I dreaming???? Are strict > boundaries worth the nagging, tears and anger that go with not doing > everything a BPD mother wants her daughter to do??? > > Thanks!!! > > WJR > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Perhaps the bottom-line question to think about is, " Why am I even considering exposing my children to someone who is virtually guaranteed to be verbally/emotionally abusive to them? If my mother was and still is so obnoxious to me that I had to go No Contact with her, then why am I thinking about allowing my children to experience the same kind of terrible, traumatizing incidents of emotional abuse that she inflicted on me during my childhood? " Each of us must decide for ourselves what we can and can't tolerate because each relationship dynamic is unique, but if this was me, and I was already in No Contact with my abusive bpd mother, I would not break No Contact unless some really obvious, major positive changes were evident on her part. (Such as, she herself decided to go into therapy and stayed with it, and is now pleasant and respectful in any exchanges with you, and remains changed for the positive over time etc.) If you do decide to allow your children to visit your bpd mother, then I suggest supervised visitation ONLY for quite a long, long time. Unless your bpd mother demonstrates a radical shift toward more healthy, normal behaviors over a long time, she's not safe enough to leave your children alone with her. -Annie > > Hello! > > I've posted on one of the other WTO sites, but there was so much about spouse issues I thought I would switch over. I'm new to understanding BPD - found it by accident when my brother and I were talking about our mother being narcissistic. NPD didn't totally fit the bill, although partially and one of the sites I ran across mentioned BPD. When I started researching it and bought Randi Kreger's book it was so relieving to finally feel like my relationship with my mother made sense (oxymoron - but relieving none the same). > > I've been NC with her for 6 weeks now as I'm working through learning about BPD and feeling overwhelmed remembering all the terrible incidences that have occurred over the years. I'm 37 now with 3 kids of my own and recently moved back into my hometown after having moved away 11 years ago to get away from BPD-mom. I made the mistake of going to HER hometown - where my Gpa still lived and she ended up visiting 6 months out of the year. > > I digress. . . my main concern is that with the 3 kids I don't know if I can maintain NC with her but all the things I have read on www.bpdfamily.com make it sound like NC is the best option - otherwise I'm STILL in for a rollercoaster. She is definitely the " Queen " - is Highly Functional and will most likely never admit she was not mother of the year 37 years running. She was not physically abusive -per se - if you don't count angry spankings. . . but verbally and emotionally, yes! I don't want my kids to think that behavior is okay, but I also don't want to teach them to walk away from a parent that isn't perfect either. > > Does anyone have suggestions on going LC with someone who has NO idea they have BPD? Boundaries are very difficult for her so I'm suspecting that if I approach her with strict boundaries (especially regarding spending time with HER grandchildren) the explosions that will ensue may lead back to NC anyway - but having not come completely out of the FOG I am still hoping she'll choose relationship over control. Am I dreaming???? Are strict boundaries worth the nagging, tears and anger that go with not doing everything a BPD mother wants her daughter to do??? > > Thanks!!! > > WJR > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Hello and welcome to the group. I'd say that having three kids gives you more reason to maintain NC rather than less. She's abusive. Protecting your children from her is not teaching them to walk away from someone who isn't perfect. It is keeping them safe and teaching them that other people don't have the right to abuse them. You don't mention their ages but you can and probably should have age-appropriate discussions with them about their grandmother. If they're young, you might just tell them she's sick and not healthy for them to be around. As children get older and better able to understand they can be told about mental illness in general and then about BPD and how it can affect people. If you do want to have some contact with her, I think you need to be realistic about how it is going to work. There is very little chance that she's going to change much for the better. She may choose to alter her behavior somewhat if that's what is required to have contact but she'll continue to have BPD and she'll continue to try to get away with as much bad behavior as she can. Children are particularly vulnerable to emotional manipulation and if she's alone with them she's likely to try to get them to side with her against you and there's a good chance that she'll split start treating one as all-good and one or both of the others as all-bad. Until they are old enough to stand up to her, leaving them alone with her for even short periods is dangerous to their well-being. Boundaries are for you, not for her. They're to prevent you from having to deal with her bad behavior. Generally it is best to decide what your boundaries are and how you're going to enforce them and then just start doing so. Giving a nada (that's what we call our non-motherly mothers) a set of rules usually causes drama and they almost always fight back against the rules and behave even worse for at least a while. If you just start enforcing them, you and your children will be protected from the worst of her behavior. If she sees that what she's doing isn't getting the results she wants, she may elect to change her behavior or she may not. Change isn't necessarily for the better. Rather than behaving decently, nadas often take their misbehavior to a higher level in an attempt to force you to give them what they want. You'll have to be strong and not give in when that happens. As you enforce boundaries, the enforcement may involve repeatedly telling her that what she's doing isn't acceptable behavior. It is kind of like training a dog - if you just tell the dog that scratching the door, chewing on shoes, and chasing the cat are bad, you're not going to get any useful results because the dog doesn't understand. Nadas do not understand how normal people behave or why their behavior is wrong. If you tell the dog it is bad each time it does those things and punish it in an appropriate way, it learns not to do those things, not because it understands why it shouldn't but because it doesn't like the consequences. Some nadas can be trained into better behavior, some can't. Nada-training is a slow process that may take years to show results. I think it is best to go into it expecting that she isn't going to change for the better. If you look at your boundaries purely as protective measures you're more likely to be successful at enforcing them. Any changes for the better can be happy surprises. You mention the nagging, tears and anger that go along with not doing what your nada wants. I'd say that you need to start by having boundaries about those things. You don't have to listen to her nagging or her anger. You can choose to say " Gee mom, you sound upset. I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's talk later when you're feeling better " and hang up or leave. You can't change her but you can change the way you react to her. At 12:08 PM 09/01/2012 wrote: >Hello! > >I've posted on one of the other WTO sites, but there was so >much about spouse issues I thought I would switch over. I'm >new to understanding BPD - found it by accident when my brother >and I were talking about our mother being narcissistic. NPD >didn't totally fit the bill, although partially and one of the >sites I ran across mentioned BPD. When I started researching >it and bought Randi Kreger's book it was so relieving to >finally feel like my relationship with my mother made sense >(oxymoron - but relieving none the same). > >I've been NC with her for 6 weeks now as I'm working through >learning about BPD and feeling overwhelmed remembering all the >terrible incidences that have occurred over the years. I'm 37 >now with 3 kids of my own and recently moved back into my >hometown after having moved away 11 years ago to get away from >BPD-mom. I made the mistake of going to HER hometown - where >my Gpa still lived and she ended up visiting 6 months out of >the year. > >I digress. . . my main concern is that with the 3 kids I don't >know if I can maintain NC with her but all the things I have >read on www.bpdfamily.com make it sound like NC is the best >option - otherwise I'm STILL in for a rollercoaster. She is >definitely the " Queen " - is Highly Functional and will most >likely never admit she was not mother of the year 37 years >running. She was not physically abusive -per se - if you don't >count angry spankings. . . but verbally and emotionally, >yes! I don't want my kids to think that behavior is okay, but >I also don't want to teach them to walk away from a parent that >isn't perfect either. > >Does anyone have suggestions on going LC with someone who has >NO idea they have BPD? Boundaries are very difficult for her >so I'm suspecting that if I approach her with strict boundaries >(especially regarding spending time with HER grandchildren) the >explosions that will ensue may lead back to NC anyway - but >having not come completely out of the FOG I am still hoping >she'll choose relationship over control. Am I >dreaming???? Are strict boundaries worth the nagging, tears >and anger that go with not doing everything a BPD mother wants >her daughter to do??? > >Thanks!!! > >WJR -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 It is so relieving to know that other people act the ways she acts and to hear you describe what I've seen so many times. I've always tried boundaries before I knew about BPD and she has always pushed them to the limits. I didn't really think of them as MY boundaries but for her--so changing that mentality will help considerably. Her inability to accept boundaries has been my reasoning behind NC. I am only 30 minutes away from her, though, so I live in fear that she will show up at the door and try to force me into a conflict. I need to prepare for what I will say or do because I have my children home with me. :-( I agree that I need to protect my children from her harmful behaviors when I'm not there to see what she is saying or doing. I'm planning on maintaining NC for as long as I can and then keep the boundaries to not having them spend non-supervised visits - so she can come over or we'll ALL go over there. I even would prefer that my husband be around when I'm with her because she behaves better and I may need rescuing from her if she tries to corner me. I don't know HOW many times she has pulled me off into a room to rage against me. It is so hard not to feel like a 5 year old and realize I CAN run away - I'm sure that will get easier with practice. Being armed with info is like having artillery with me and knowing how to aim. Thank you for your encouraging words. This group is such a blessing!! _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Katrina Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 9:41 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: New to Group Hello and welcome to the group. I'd say that having three kids gives you more reason to maintain NC rather than less. She's abusive. Protecting your children from her is not teaching them to walk away from someone who isn't perfect. It is keeping them safe and teaching them that other people don't have the right to abuse them. You don't mention their ages but you can and probably should have age-appropriate discussions with them about their grandmother. If they're young, you might just tell them she's sick and not healthy for them to be around. As children get older and better able to understand they can be told about mental illness in general and then about BPD and how it can affect people. If you do want to have some contact with her, I think you need to be realistic about how it is going to work. There is very little chance that she's going to change much for the better. She may choose to alter her behavior somewhat if that's what is required to have contact but she'll continue to have BPD and she'll continue to try to get away with as much bad behavior as she can. Children are particularly vulnerable to emotional manipulation and if she's alone with them she's likely to try to get them to side with her against you and there's a good chance that she'll split start treating one as all-good and one or both of the others as all-bad. Until they are old enough to stand up to her, leaving them alone with her for even short periods is dangerous to their well-being. Boundaries are for you, not for her. They're to prevent you from having to deal with her bad behavior. Generally it is best to decide what your boundaries are and how you're going to enforce them and then just start doing so. Giving a nada (that's what we call our non-motherly mothers) a set of rules usually causes drama and they almost always fight back against the rules and behave even worse for at least a while. If you just start enforcing them, you and your children will be protected from the worst of her behavior. If she sees that what she's doing isn't getting the results she wants, she may elect to change her behavior or she may not. Change isn't necessarily for the better. Rather than behaving decently, nadas often take their misbehavior to a higher level in an attempt to force you to give them what they want. You'll have to be strong and not give in when that happens. As you enforce boundaries, the enforcement may involve repeatedly telling her that what she's doing isn't acceptable behavior. It is kind of like training a dog - if you just tell the dog that scratching the door, chewing on shoes, and chasing the cat are bad, you're not going to get any useful results because the dog doesn't understand. Nadas do not understand how normal people behave or why their behavior is wrong. If you tell the dog it is bad each time it does those things and punish it in an appropriate way, it learns not to do those things, not because it understands why it shouldn't but because it doesn't like the consequences. Some nadas can be trained into better behavior, some can't. Nada-training is a slow process that may take years to show results. I think it is best to go into it expecting that she isn't going to change for the better. If you look at your boundaries purely as protective measures you're more likely to be successful at enforcing them. Any changes for the better can be happy surprises. You mention the nagging, tears and anger that go along with not doing what your nada wants. I'd say that you need to start by having boundaries about those things. You don't have to listen to her nagging or her anger. You can choose to say " Gee mom, you sound upset. I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's talk later when you're feeling better " and hang up or leave. You can't change her but you can change the way you react to her. At 12:08 PM 09/01/2012 wrote: >Hello! > >I've posted on one of the other WTO sites, but there was so >much about spouse issues I thought I would switch over. I'm >new to understanding BPD - found it by accident when my brother >and I were talking about our mother being narcissistic. NPD >didn't totally fit the bill, although partially and one of the >sites I ran across mentioned BPD. When I started researching >it and bought Randi Kreger's book it was so relieving to >finally feel like my relationship with my mother made sense >(oxymoron - but relieving none the same). > >I've been NC with her for 6 weeks now as I'm working through >learning about BPD and feeling overwhelmed remembering all the >terrible incidences that have occurred over the years. I'm 37 >now with 3 kids of my own and recently moved back into my >hometown after having moved away 11 years ago to get away from >BPD-mom. I made the mistake of going to HER hometown - where >my Gpa still lived and she ended up visiting 6 months out of >the year. > >I digress. . . my main concern is that with the 3 kids I don't >know if I can maintain NC with her but all the things I have >read on www.bpdfamily.com make it sound like NC is the best >option - otherwise I'm STILL in for a rollercoaster. She is >definitely the " Queen " - is Highly Functional and will most >likely never admit she was not mother of the year 37 years >running. She was not physically abusive -per se - if you don't >count angry spankings. . . but verbally and emotionally, >yes! I don't want my kids to think that behavior is okay, but >I also don't want to teach them to walk away from a parent that >isn't perfect either. > >Does anyone have suggestions on going LC with someone who has >NO idea they have BPD? Boundaries are very difficult for her >so I'm suspecting that if I approach her with strict boundaries >(especially regarding spending time with HER grandchildren) the >explosions that will ensue may lead back to NC anyway - but >having not come completely out of the FOG I am still hoping >she'll choose relationship over control. Am I >dreaming???? Are strict boundaries worth the nagging, tears >and anger that go with not doing everything a BPD mother wants >her daughter to do??? > >Thanks!!! > >WJR -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Thank you, Annie, logic tells me you're right, but years and years of conforming to her wishes is difficult to get past. That is why I've been NC because I need to be strong enough when the time comes to confront her with my new boundaries. I agree that supervised visits are the only option. I'm certain she will not seek therapy - my NPD/enDad is totally on her side and never discourages her behavior. NC sounds like a GREAT idea if I can figure out how to maintain it, but I'm not going to hold my breath. _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854 Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 8:49 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: New to Group Perhaps the bottom-line question to think about is, " Why am I even considering exposing my children to someone who is virtually guaranteed to be verbally/emotionally abusive to them? If my mother was and still is so obnoxious to me that I had to go No Contact with her, then why am I thinking about allowing my children to experience the same kind of terrible, traumatizing incidents of emotional abuse that she inflicted on me during my childhood? " Each of us must decide for ourselves what we can and can't tolerate because each relationship dynamic is unique, but if this was me, and I was already in No Contact with my abusive bpd mother, I would not break No Contact unless some really obvious, major positive changes were evident on her part. (Such as, she herself decided to go into therapy and stayed with it, and is now pleasant and respectful in any exchanges with you, and remains changed for the positive over time etc.) If you do decide to allow your children to visit your bpd mother, then I suggest supervised visitation ONLY for quite a long, long time. Unless your bpd mother demonstrates a radical shift toward more healthy, normal behaviors over a long time, she's not safe enough to leave your children alone with her. -Annie > > Hello! > > I've posted on one of the other WTO sites, but there was so much about spouse issues I thought I would switch over. I'm new to understanding BPD - found it by accident when my brother and I were talking about our mother being narcissistic. NPD didn't totally fit the bill, although partially and one of the sites I ran across mentioned BPD. When I started researching it and bought Randi Kreger's book it was so relieving to finally feel like my relationship with my mother made sense (oxymoron - but relieving none the same). > > I've been NC with her for 6 weeks now as I'm working through learning about BPD and feeling overwhelmed remembering all the terrible incidences that have occurred over the years. I'm 37 now with 3 kids of my own and recently moved back into my hometown after having moved away 11 years ago to get away from BPD-mom. I made the mistake of going to HER hometown - where my Gpa still lived and she ended up visiting 6 months out of the year. > > I digress. . . my main concern is that with the 3 kids I don't know if I can maintain NC with her but all the things I have read on www.bpdfamily.com make it sound like NC is the best option - otherwise I'm STILL in for a rollercoaster. She is definitely the " Queen " - is Highly Functional and will most likely never admit she was not mother of the year 37 years running. She was not physically abusive -per se - if you don't count angry spankings. . . but verbally and emotionally, yes! I don't want my kids to think that behavior is okay, but I also don't want to teach them to walk away from a parent that isn't perfect either. > > Does anyone have suggestions on going LC with someone who has NO idea they have BPD? Boundaries are very difficult for her so I'm suspecting that if I approach her with strict boundaries (especially regarding spending time with HER grandchildren) the explosions that will ensue may lead back to NC anyway - but having not come completely out of the FOG I am still hoping she'll choose relationship over control. Am I dreaming???? Are strict boundaries worth the nagging, tears and anger that go with not doing everything a BPD mother wants her daughter to do??? > > Thanks!!! > > WJR > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Hi , It sounds to me like you are gaining a new perspective, and evolving into the tall, strong, sharp-clawed " mother bear " that every child needs to protect them from abusive adults. Its a huge and significant turning point in the adult daughter's relationship with her pd mother when the adult daughter can envision herself looking at her bpd mother ( " nada " ) eye-to-eye, at the same adult level of power and equal status as nada, instead of looking up at nada from below, aka the powerless status of a young child. If you do allow supervised visitation with your pd parents, I think that's a great idea to only allow it when your husband can be there too, until you feel strong enough to " solo " , and say calmly and politely but firmly something like " OK, we're leaving now " when your bpd mom begins to act out in an unacceptable way. That is awesome that your husband is on your " team " so to speak and is willing and able to back you up RE your pd mom. I also suggest that you either allow visits at public places or at your parents' home, so that YOUR home will remain your safe place and your sanctuary. Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. I too was so conditioned and brainwashed to obey my very domineering, controlling bpd mom that I had to choose No Contact to protect my own mental health. She was so domineering that there was no middle ground with her and up until I was a teen I was physically afraid of her because she'd been so violent with me, and with my younger Sister. I think I was about 14 or 15 the last time she beat me with the belt. But it was MUCH easier for me to finally choose No Contact because I live across country from where nada lived and I don't have children. I had to train myself to stop just picking up the phone whenever it would ring and let it go to voicemail. Even that was hard! So, I think you are very courageous and you deserve a lot of kudos for realizing that your real responsibility is to protect your kids, not to cater to and accept abuse from your bpd mother even though you are still (perhaps) afraid of her or are (perhaps) still seeking her approval. That takes real gut-level courage. -Annie > > Thank you, Annie, logic tells me you're right, but years and years of > conforming to her wishes is difficult to get past. That is why I've been NC > because I need to be strong enough when the time comes to confront her with > my new boundaries. I agree that supervised visits are the only option. I'm > certain she will not seek therapy - my NPD/enDad is totally on her side and > never discourages her behavior. NC sounds like a GREAT idea if I can figure > out how to maintain it, but I'm not going to hold my breath. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 My m initiated nc a month ago as is her typical way to punish me after I express some anger. I called her a few times to smooth things over, but I got the cold shoulder and some mean comments so I stopped. After reading comments from this blog, I am having so many Aha moments, including the fact that my dad fits to a T the schizoid pd. I really appreciate how all of you who have weathered the storm are helping those of us who are still in it. Even though I am used to this shunning I still react like a child: feeling worthless, bad, depressed. Because my m spends 90% of our relationship inflating my ego, (I stopped believing her a long time ago,) it makes the periods when she " paints me black " that much harder. I literally have physical withdrawal symptoms, like I'm detoxing from a drug: insomnia, nightmares, body aches, lethargy. I'm normally a very energetic person, but I am feeling the grief of this relationship, knowing it is over and a new one, built on my terms, must begin. She emailed yesterday but I didn't open it. Thanks for the support. ~K ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, September 4, 2012 11:29 AM Subject: Re: New to Group  Hi , It sounds to me like you are gaining a new perspective, and evolving into the tall, strong, sharp-clawed " mother bear " that every child needs to protect them from abusive adults. Its a huge and significant turning point in the adult daughter's relationship with her pd mother when the adult daughter can envision herself looking at her bpd mother ( " nada " ) eye-to-eye, at the same adult level of power and equal status as nada, instead of looking up at nada from below, aka the powerless status of a young child. If you do allow supervised visitation with your pd parents, I think that's a great idea to only allow it when your husband can be there too, until you feel strong enough to " solo " , and say calmly and politely but firmly something like " OK, we're leaving now " when your bpd mom begins to act out in an unacceptable way. That is awesome that your husband is on your " team " so to speak and is willing and able to back you up RE your pd mom. I also suggest that you either allow visits at public places or at your parents' home, so that YOUR home will remain your safe place and your sanctuary. Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. I too was so conditioned and brainwashed to obey my very domineering, controlling bpd mom that I had to choose No Contact to protect my own mental health. She was so domineering that there was no middle ground with her and up until I was a teen I was physically afraid of her because she'd been so violent with me, and with my younger Sister. I think I was about 14 or 15 the last time she beat me with the belt. But it was MUCH easier for me to finally choose No Contact because I live across country from where nada lived and I don't have children. I had to train myself to stop just picking up the phone whenever it would ring and let it go to voicemail. Even that was hard! So, I think you are very courageous and you deserve a lot of kudos for realizing that your real responsibility is to protect your kids, not to cater to and accept abuse from your bpd mother even though you are still (perhaps) afraid of her or are (perhaps) still seeking her approval. That takes real gut-level courage. -Annie > > Thank you, Annie, logic tells me you're right, but years and years of > conforming to her wishes is difficult to get past. That is why I've been NC > because I need to be strong enough when the time comes to confront her with > my new boundaries. I agree that supervised visits are the only option. I'm > certain she will not seek therapy - my NPD/enDad is totally on her side and > never discourages her behavior. NC sounds like a GREAT idea if I can figure > out how to maintain it, but I'm not going to hold my breath. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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