Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 I just wanted to share my experience with setting boundaries with BPD mother these past few weeks. Long story short, I told her I would only speak with her on the phone in the mornings 2x a week and that I would no longer take her calls at night because she is drunk and I don't want to speak with a drunk mother so I will call her in the mornings only when she is more sober. At first, she raged and I received a slew of abusive, horrible voicemails all of which I let go to voicemail and did not reply to. When I finally did call her one day in the morning she acted as though nothing had happened and asked why I have not called her and I told her you left horrible abusive voicemails her reply was,,, " Abusive what do you mean by that I am not abusive. If I left horrible voicemails it is because I was angry " . So in her mind she is excused and allowed to leave nasty voicemails and does not at all consider it abusive. This amazed me given the vile things she said on my machine. It just goes to show that Nada's will not take responsibility for anything and do not think they are wrong it is always YOU who are wrong. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and finally this week she has left one voicemail in the evening and it was nice. However, I still did not respond as I told her the boundary was I would call her 2x a week in the morning. So what I am saying is no matter what you have to stick to your boundaries and they will use every trick in the book from rage to guilt to sweetness to get you to relent but don't do it. During these past few weeks I also realized how much of a Queen/Witch my Nada is and hates to be told there are limits. The minute I told her my boundary she went ballistic as she believes she has a " right " to do whatever she wants because I am her " kid " ( I am 45 yrs old) as she still likes to say and have to just put up with whatever she doles out. As my nada said to me, " You owe me your life you little Bitc- " Much to her surprise I said enough and I hung up on her. I don't deserve her abuse and won't put up with it anymore. She raged and raged on my machine and I just kept right on following my boundary I set. Yes it was hard but it was also very empowering to realize I am not at the mercy of this woman anymore. I am still not sure this will work but I am giving it a try and the next step will be NC. I guess I feel like I am giving Nada every chance I can to maintain some sort of relationship but if she can't work within the boundaries I will then go NC. As an only child I always feel guilt going NC but At that point I feel as though I have tried everything in my power so going NC will be much easier on me with less guilt. Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Awesome boundary-setting and enforcing, Tracey! Big virtual high-five from me! It really does take courage to stand up for yourself against someone you've been conditioned to fear and obey from birth; its NOT EASY, but its possible. You're proving that its possible! And as you probably already know, No Contact can be temporary if you want. For the last few years of my nada's life, she and my Sister went in and out of " No Contact " with each other for varying periods of time. Sister considered the No Contact periods to be a " vacation " . (Me, I just went No Contact and stayed there; well, virtually No Contact, for those years. I couldn't take the roller-coaster ride anymore, it was making me sick.) -Annie > > I just wanted to share my experience with setting boundaries with BPD mother > these past few weeks. Long story short, I told her I would only speak with > her on the phone in the mornings 2x a week and that I would no longer take > her calls at night because she is drunk and I don't want to speak with a > drunk mother so I will call her in the mornings only when she is more sober. > At first, she raged and I received a slew of abusive, horrible voicemails > all of which I let go to voicemail and did not reply to. When I finally did > call her one day in the morning she acted as though nothing had happened and > asked why I have not called her and I told her you left horrible abusive > voicemails her reply was,,, " Abusive what do you mean by that I am not > abusive. If I left horrible voicemails it is because I was angry " . So > in her mind she is excused and allowed to leave nasty voicemails and does > not at all consider it abusive. This amazed me given the vile things she > said on my machine. It just goes to show that Nada's will not take > responsibility for anything and do not think they are wrong it is always YOU > who are wrong. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and finally this week she has > left one voicemail in the evening and it was nice. However, I still did > not respond as I told her the boundary was I would call her 2x a week in the > morning. So what I am saying is no matter what you have to stick to your > boundaries and they will use every trick in the book from rage to guilt to > sweetness to get you to relent but don't do it. > > > > During these past few weeks I also realized how much of a Queen/Witch my > Nada is and hates to be told there are limits. The minute I told her my > boundary she went ballistic as she believes she has a " right " to do whatever > she wants because I am her " kid " ( I am 45 yrs old) as she still likes to > say and have to just put up with whatever she doles out. As my nada said > to me, " You owe me your life you little Bitc- " Much to her surprise I said > enough and I hung up on her. I don't deserve her abuse and won't put up > with it anymore. She raged and raged on my machine and I just kept right > on following my boundary I set. Yes it was hard but it was also very > empowering to realize I am not at the mercy of this woman anymore. > > > > I am still not sure this will work but I am giving it a try and the next > step will be NC. I guess I feel like I am giving Nada every chance I > can to maintain some sort of relationship but if she can't work within the > boundaries I will then go NC. As an only child I always feel guilt going > NC but At that point I feel as though I have tried everything in my power so > going NC will be much easier on me with less guilt. > > > > Tracey > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Thanks Annie. Felt good to read your response. I always relate to your posts. I will probally end up being like your sister and going in and out of NC based on nadas behavior and attacks when she doesn't get her way. I can't imagine she will uphold the boundaries for too long becuase once she gets set off about something she will start raging all over again. It will all depend on how long I can put up with the emotional turmoil she creates even just by using the phone. I thank God she does not live close by as it would be unbareable. I think you have it right though just cut it off and save yourself a lot of grief. Honestly, my relationship with Nada is not very rewarding so I can't say I get much back for all the emotional turmoil I go thru having her in my life. The only real return is that it lessons my guilt. However, now that I am in therapy working on my issues around feeling obligated and guilty I may not feel much of it in the future and be able to go NC much easier. My therapist has said that she works with BPD clients and although she has never seen my mom or spoke with her from what I have descibed of our conversations she is a very low functioning and severe borderline. Her alcholism only worsens the condition and makes her more out of control. It is a very bad situation with no easy answers but for now I am setting boundaries and maintaining them. It is all one step at a time. I dread what the future will hold as she is aging and what all this alcohol is doing to her system. Not living near her I can only imagine how difficult it will be if she gets sick etc. as we live 1,000 miles apart and as an only child they will contact me and she will be a nightmare as a sick elderly patient. Tracey > > Awesome boundary-setting and enforcing, Tracey! Big virtual high-five from me! > It really does take courage to stand up for yourself against someone you've been conditioned to fear and obey from birth; its NOT EASY, but its possible. > You're proving that its possible! > And as you probably already know, No Contact can be temporary if you want. For the last few years of my nada's life, she and my Sister went in and out of " No Contact " with each other for varying periods of time. Sister considered the No Contact periods to be a " vacation " . (Me, I just went No Contact and stayed there; well, virtually No Contact, for those years. I couldn't take the roller-coaster ride anymore, it was making me sick.) > > -Annie > > --- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Bravo Tracey!! Well done! You need to celebrate this victory in your life! I believe we should reward ourselves for every step forward we take. Doesn't have to be a huge reward but we should do something good for ourselves and give ourselves a pat on the back. > > I just wanted to share my experience with setting boundaries with BPD mother > these past few weeks. Long story short, I told her I would only speak with > her on the phone in the mornings 2x a week and that I would no longer take > her calls at night because she is drunk and I don't want to speak with a > drunk mother so I will call her in the mornings only when she is more sober. > At first, she raged and I received a slew of abusive, horrible voicemails > all of which I let go to voicemail and did not reply to. When I finally did > call her one day in the morning she acted as though nothing had happened and > asked why I have not called her and I told her you left horrible abusive > voicemails her reply was,,, " Abusive what do you mean by that I am not > abusive. If I left horrible voicemails it is because I was angry " . So > in her mind she is excused and allowed to leave nasty voicemails and does > not at all consider it abusive. This amazed me given the vile things she > said on my machine. It just goes to show that Nada's will not take > responsibility for anything and do not think they are wrong it is always YOU > who are wrong. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and finally this week she has > left one voicemail in the evening and it was nice. However, I still did > not respond as I told her the boundary was I would call her 2x a week in the > morning. So what I am saying is no matter what you have to stick to your > boundaries and they will use every trick in the book from rage to guilt to > sweetness to get you to relent but don't do it. > > > > During these past few weeks I also realized how much of a Queen/Witch my > Nada is and hates to be told there are limits. The minute I told her my > boundary she went ballistic as she believes she has a " right " to do whatever > she wants because I am her " kid " ( I am 45 yrs old) as she still likes to > say and have to just put up with whatever she doles out. As my nada said > to me, " You owe me your life you little Bitc- " Much to her surprise I said > enough and I hung up on her. I don't deserve her abuse and won't put up > with it anymore. She raged and raged on my machine and I just kept right > on following my boundary I set. Yes it was hard but it was also very > empowering to realize I am not at the mercy of this woman anymore. > > > > I am still not sure this will work but I am giving it a try and the next > step will be NC. I guess I feel like I am giving Nada every chance I > can to maintain some sort of relationship but if she can't work within the > boundaries I will then go NC. As an only child I always feel guilt going > NC but At that point I feel as though I have tried everything in my power so > going NC will be much easier on me with less guilt. > > > > Tracey > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 I have read that alcohol makes untreated BPD folks more agressive. I know that with my deceased mum she was much worse when she was drinking. Couple that with black outs or brown outs...they don't recall what they did or said during many of those drunk moments. Lots of drunk dialing happens during those times as well. The mind really goes into delusional thinking with booze involved. > > > > Awesome boundary-setting and enforcing, Tracey! Big virtual high-five from me! > > It really does take courage to stand up for yourself against someone you've been conditioned to fear and obey from birth; its NOT EASY, but its possible. > > You're proving that its possible! > > And as you probably already know, No Contact can be temporary if you want. For the last few years of my nada's life, she and my Sister went in and out of " No Contact " with each other for varying periods of time. Sister considered the No Contact periods to be a " vacation " . (Me, I just went No Contact and stayed there; well, virtually No Contact, for those years. I couldn't take the roller-coaster ride anymore, it was making me sick.) > > > > -Annie > > > > --- > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 I wish I could remember where, but I read somewhere that borderline pd behavior is a LOT like " dry drunk " behavior. All I know is that my bpd/npd nada behaved *like* a drunk with the yelling, screaming, the physical violence, the blaming, the false accusations and the re-writing history so that she was always the blameless victim and everyone else was mean and hateful, etc., even before she started drinking. My parents didn't drink at all until they were in their late thirties, then they both started in pretty liberally. And yes, a parent who gets drunk or high on top of having a personality disorder is like, well, a living hell for the kids. Just pure hell. Sort of like handing over a baby mouse to a cat to " take care of " , its actually an act of cruelty to the child. -Annie > > > > Thanks Annie. Felt good to read your response. I always relate to your posts. I will probally end up being like your sister and going in and out of NC based on nadas behavior and attacks when she doesn't get her way. I can't imagine she will uphold the boundaries for too long becuase once she gets set off about something she will start raging all over again. It will all depend on how long I can put up with the emotional turmoil she creates even just by using the phone. I thank God she does not live close by as it would be unbareable. > > > > I think you have it right though just cut it off and save yourself a lot of grief. Honestly, my relationship with Nada is not very rewarding so I can't say I get much back for all the emotional turmoil I go thru having her in my life. The only real return is that it lessons my guilt. However, now that I am in therapy working on my issues around feeling obligated and guilty I may not feel much of it in the future and be able to go NC much easier. My therapist has said that she works with BPD clients and although she has never seen my mom or spoke with her from what I have descibed of our conversations she is a very low functioning and severe borderline. > > > > Her alcholism only worsens the condition and makes her more out of control. It is a very bad situation with no easy answers but for now I am setting boundaries and maintaining them. It is all one step at a time. I dread what the future will hold as she is aging and what all this alcohol is doing to her system. Not living near her I can only imagine how difficult it will be if she gets sick etc. as we live 1,000 miles apart and as an only child they will contact me and she will be a nightmare as a sick elderly patient. > > > > > > Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Alcohol tends to remove inhabitions even in moderate amounts, so it makes sense that it would result in more misbehavior when mixed with BPD even without actual alcoholism being involved. For people with mild to moderate BPD, a bit of alcohol might be enough to tip them over into being totally out of control. At 10:11 AM 09/05/2012 tomandfran1605 wrote: >I have read that alcohol makes untreated BPD folks more >agressive. I know that with my deceased mum she was much worse >when she was drinking. Couple that with black outs or brown >outs...they don't recall what they did or said during many of >those drunk moments. Lots of drunk dialing happens during >those times as well. The mind really goes into delusional >thinking with booze involved. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 That makes sense, since " high impulsivity " is one of the borderline pd diagnostic traits, and since alcohol tends to remove inhibitions even in moderate amounts, the combination of the two is sort of like going 150 mph down a mountain road with no brakes. A recipe for disaster. -Annie > > Alcohol tends to remove inhabitions even in moderate amounts, so > it makes sense that it would result in more misbehavior when > mixed with BPD even without actual alcoholism being involved. > For people with mild to moderate BPD, a bit of alcohol might be > enough to tip them over into being totally out of control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Amen to that. My uBPD mother once chopped down the door of a closet with an axe because my enDad told her she couldn't have any more wine and had locked the bottles in that closet. She must have scared herself because she has avoided alcohol since then (to her credit) but she blamed it on a wine allergy rather than admit she had self-control rage issues. jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Katrina Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 8:29 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Re: Boundaries Alcohol tends to remove inhabitions even in moderate amounts, so it makes sense that it would result in more misbehavior when mixed with BPD even without actual alcoholism being involved. For people with mild to moderate BPD, a bit of alcohol might be enough to tip them over into being totally out of control. At 10:11 AM 09/05/2012 tomandfran1605 wrote: >I have read that alcohol makes untreated BPD folks more >agressive. I know that with my deceased mum she was much worse >when she was drinking. Couple that with black outs or brown >outs...they don't recall what they did or said during many of >those drunk moments. Lots of drunk dialing happens during >those times as well. The mind really goes into delusional >thinking with booze involved. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 But even so, that's still pretty amazing and remarkable that your bpd mom had the personal insight to realize that she had to stop drinking; I think that shows that in some cases, the executive parts of their bpd brains are still able to function, at least to some degree, giving hope for change. -Annie > >I have read that alcohol makes untreated BPD folks more > >agressive. I know that with my deceased mum she was much worse > >when she was drinking. Couple that with black outs or brown > >outs...they don't recall what they did or said during many of > >those drunk moments. Lots of drunk dialing happens during > >those times as well. The mind really goes into delusional > >thinking with booze involved. > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Yes, I am amazed by it as well - but she seems to be the High Functioning NPD/BPD kind that is very concerned with how others see her and I think she knew that kind of behavior would make her look bad whereas the verbal and emotional abuse is harder to " see " . jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854 Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 8:55 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Boundaries But even so, that's still pretty amazing and remarkable that your bpd mom had the personal insight to realize that she had to stop drinking; I think that shows that in some cases, the executive parts of their bpd brains are still able to function, at least to some degree, giving hope for change. -Annie > >I have read that alcohol makes untreated BPD folks more > >agressive. I know that with my deceased mum she was much worse > >when she was drinking. Couple that with black outs or brown > >outs...they don't recall what they did or said during many of > >those drunk moments. Lots of drunk dialing happens during > >those times as well. The mind really goes into delusional > >thinking with booze involved. > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Woo hoo!!! Way to go, boundary enforcer! That's awesome. I find boundaries for me are like a weak muscle that gets stronger and stronger every time I enforce them, every time I say " you end here and I start there. don't go beyond this line. " It's scary and hard sometimes, but I know they're necessary. High five, Tracey! > > I just wanted to share my experience with setting boundaries with BPD mother > these past few weeks. Long story short, I told her I would only speak with > her on the phone in the mornings 2x a week and that I would no longer take > her calls at night because she is drunk and I don't want to speak with a > drunk mother so I will call her in the mornings only when she is more sober. > At first, she raged and I received a slew of abusive, horrible voicemails > all of which I let go to voicemail and did not reply to. When I finally did > call her one day in the morning she acted as though nothing had happened and > asked why I have not called her and I told her you left horrible abusive > voicemails her reply was,,, " Abusive what do you mean by that I am not > abusive. If I left horrible voicemails it is because I was angry " . So > in her mind she is excused and allowed to leave nasty voicemails and does > not at all consider it abusive. This amazed me given the vile things she > said on my machine. It just goes to show that Nada's will not take > responsibility for anything and do not think they are wrong it is always YOU > who are wrong. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and finally this week she has > left one voicemail in the evening and it was nice. However, I still did > not respond as I told her the boundary was I would call her 2x a week in the > morning. So what I am saying is no matter what you have to stick to your > boundaries and they will use every trick in the book from rage to guilt to > sweetness to get you to relent but don't do it. > > > > During these past few weeks I also realized how much of a Queen/Witch my > Nada is and hates to be told there are limits. The minute I told her my > boundary she went ballistic as she believes she has a " right " to do whatever > she wants because I am her " kid " ( I am 45 yrs old) as she still likes to > say and have to just put up with whatever she doles out. As my nada said > to me, " You owe me your life you little Bitc- " Much to her surprise I said > enough and I hung up on her. I don't deserve her abuse and won't put up > with it anymore. She raged and raged on my machine and I just kept right > on following my boundary I set. Yes it was hard but it was also very > empowering to realize I am not at the mercy of this woman anymore. > > > > I am still not sure this will work but I am giving it a try and the next > step will be NC. I guess I feel like I am giving Nada every chance I > can to maintain some sort of relationship but if she can't work within the > boundaries I will then go NC. As an only child I always feel guilt going > NC but At that point I feel as though I have tried everything in my power so > going NC will be much easier on me with less guilt. > > > > Tracey > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Thank You All for the Support! I appreciate it very much. It is so true that the booze really adds fuel to the fire. Having a PD is bad enough without adding the alcohol on top of it. The black outs are the worst and I know she does not remember most of the drunk phone calls. She drinks every day now starting with it in her coffee so you are never really dealing with a rational, sober mind. By late afternoon forget it she is drunk so it is best to catch her in the mornings. She is more coherent and seems a little more pleasant then. Since I have been speaking with her in the mornings only things have been better between us and more peaceful. I haven't received any drunk calls at night in a week now which is good and I hope it continues but I have my doubts. All I can do is take it one day at a time and keep protecting myself and sticking to my boundaries. I am so glad I have a place to share and get support with folks who really understand! Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 I think Dr. Bob wrote the book on dry drunks and to be honest, I really think he was talking about having a mental, or personality problem, rather than a dry drunk. It could even had been a severe blood sugar problem that they didn't know about. A high percentage of us, I am a recovered alcoholic, have such problems. Drinking is only a symptom of a deeper issue and back when the founders of AA started the program they had very little knowledge of mental, blood sugar, or personality problems, like we do now. Even thyroid problems are high among alkies and if left untreated can cause severe emotional issues. Alcohol also robs the body of vitamins that can lead to deep depression. I have heard that one of the best things a BPD person can take is fish oil. The omegas in the oil helps with the severity of the mood swings. I dislike the term dry drunk because it makes one in recovery believe they really don't need outside help and it is something that needs a surface solution to, like just attending more meetings, changing sponsors or whatever AA suggested. This just doesn't take care of the problem since these behaviors need a professional's input. Even severe blood sugar problems can mimick personality disorders and need medical help. Alcohol messes with the blood sugar big time. So if one has a personality disorder, alcoholism and blood sugar problems...watch out!! That makes for one nasty person. We know so much more today than back then. I think we have to be careful when talking about the older generation and their issues. We can't judge them with new knowledge we have that they were not privy to. So many things were unknown back when our sick parents were maturing and we are so blessed to be in a generation that has more knowledge and treatments now!!! Thank God our kids and grandkids will have more knowledge, treatments and tools than we have. > > > > > > Thanks Annie. Felt good to read your response. I always relate to your posts. I will probally end up being like your sister and going in and out of NC based on nadas behavior and attacks when she doesn't get her way. I can't imagine she will uphold the boundaries for too long becuase once she gets set off about something she will start raging all over again. It will all depend on how long I can put up with the emotional turmoil she creates even just by using the phone. I thank God she does not live close by as it would be unbareable. > > > > > > I think you have it right though just cut it off and save yourself a lot of grief. Honestly, my relationship with Nada is not very rewarding so I can't say I get much back for all the emotional turmoil I go thru having her in my life. The only real return is that it lessons my guilt. However, now that I am in therapy working on my issues around feeling obligated and guilty I may not feel much of it in the future and be able to go NC much easier. My therapist has said that she works with BPD clients and although she has never seen my mom or spoke with her from what I have descibed of our conversations she is a very low functioning and severe borderline. > > > > > > Her alcholism only worsens the condition and makes her more out of control. It is a very bad situation with no easy answers but for now I am setting boundaries and maintaining them. It is all one step at a time. I dread what the future will hold as she is aging and what all this alcohol is doing to her system. Not living near her I can only imagine how difficult it will be if she gets sick etc. as we live 1,000 miles apart and as an only child they will contact me and she will be a nightmare as a sick elderly patient. > > > > > > > > > Tracey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Whoa!! I have been in recovery for 32 years, , and never heard a story like your mum's. That is totally out of control!! She could have harmed herself, or someone else, in the process. I have heard about drunks getting wild while drunk and doing destructive things. Usually they do it in a black out and don't remember it the next day, but never heard anyone axing a door to get booze. Hope you weren't around when it happened. Would have scared the poop out me! Alcoholism is described as an allergy so she might have gotten that from recovery sources. > >I have read that alcohol makes untreated BPD folks more > >agressive. I know that with my deceased mum she was much worse > >when she was drinking. Couple that with black outs or brown > >outs...they don't recall what they did or said during many of > >those drunk moments. Lots of drunk dialing happens during > >those times as well. The mind really goes into delusional > >thinking with booze involved. > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Hi tomandfran, I'm not sure what book or other reference you are referring to in your comment below, but this group exists for the purpose of discussing and evaluating and judging the negative, toxic, destructive and even cruel behaviors of our pd parents, and how their pd behaviors affect us. Can you clarify? I do agree with you that continuing research is badly needed so that better treatments or even cures for borderline pd and other mental illnesses can be found, the sooner the better, to alleviate the suffering of the children of the mentally ill as well as those with pds, themselves. Thanks, Annie .... We know so much more today than back then. I think we have to be careful when talking about the older generation and their issues. We can't judge them with new knowledge we have that they were not privy to. So many things were unknown back when our sick parents were maturing and we are so blessed to be in a generation that has more knowledge and treatments now!!! Thank God our kids and grandkids will have more knowledge, treatments and tools than we have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Back in my mother's time they didn't have any idea about borderline personality disorder. She died in her 50's but would be in her 80's today. Most BPD were diagnosed with bipolar, still happens to day, or some other terms. We are fortunate to be of a generation that knows what is going on, we have a label, we have tools/therapies and we have information. I don't think I can judge my mother, or grandparents, for information they didn't have. That is like taking a major test and not knowing the passing grade. That doesn't take the stink out of the hurt or minimize the suffering we children have had. It is just reality. We still have to recover from the disorder regardless. We truly are blessed and our kids and grandkids will have more information. They also can't judge us on information that we don't have today, but they certainly will have in their future due to more awareness, tools/experience and research. If you look at the books you all are reading I am sure they have recent dates of publishing on them. That is a wonderful tool we have in our hands that others didn't have. I for one am grateful for that!!!!! Hope that clarifies. > > ... We know so much more today than back then. I think we have to be careful when talking about the older generation and their issues. We can't judge them with new knowledge we have that they were not privy to. So many things were unknown back when our sick parents were maturing and we are so blessed to be in a generation that has more knowledge and treatments now!!! Thank God our kids and grandkids will have more knowledge, treatments and tools than we have. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 I'm not judging my mother based on a diagnostic label that didn't exist when Sister and I were minor children and teens, but I am judging my mother based on her lifetime of atrocious, abusive behaviors and the damage she did to Sister and me and to our dad. My nada could have chosen to seek help for her hair-trigger temper, her rages, her emotional abusive behaviors and her physical violence, etc., at any point in time but *she chose not to.* She instead felt entitled and justified to scream at us and hit us; that and her other bpd, narcissistic and ocpd behaviors did long-term damage to my Sister and me. I do judge her for that, most of all for teaching Sister and me that we were the cause of our nada's rage, by telling us that we " made " her beat us, and that we deserved it because we were bad, ungrateful, lying, lazy, good for nothing kids. My nada had the means, the opportunity and the choice to seek help and she didn't. I also blame dad for not stepping in and protecting his kids from the damage being done to us; I believe that it was obvious that my nada was too mentally ill to have been left virtually alone to raise children, yet, that is precisely what happened. If my nada had been willing to own her own negative, toxic behaviors and had sought help, I would have cried with relief and joy and would have gladly given her emotional support, but she was not willing to do that. Instead she was convinced that she herself was perfect and it was everyone else who was causing her problems, and Sister and I are the ones who paid the price of nada's need to remain perfect and blameless in her own eyes. -Annie > > > > ... We know so much more today than back then. I think we have to be careful when talking about the older generation and their issues. We can't judge them with new knowledge we have that they were not privy to. So many things were unknown back when our sick parents were maturing and we are so blessed to be in a generation that has more knowledge and treatments now!!! Thank God our kids and grandkids will have more knowledge, treatments and tools than we have. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Exactly, Annie, that is what I'm dealing with. She chose to put herself first instead of the well being of her children. For all these years we've been confused by her but given her a pass on it and I just can't do that anymore. As a mom I know when I'm being unreasonable and too angry to deal with my kids so I don't hurt them. . .they should have known too. BPD is not an excuse - just a place to start the understanding. jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854 Sent: Thursday, September 06, 2012 9:18 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Boundaries I'm not judging my mother based on a diagnostic label that didn't exist when Sister and I were minor children and teens, but I am judging my mother based on her lifetime of atrocious, abusive behaviors and the damage she did to Sister and me and to our dad. My nada could have chosen to seek help for her hair-trigger temper, her rages, her emotional abusive behaviors and her physical violence, etc., at any point in time but *she chose not to.* She instead felt entitled and justified to scream at us and hit us; that and her other bpd, narcissistic and ocpd behaviors did long-term damage to my Sister and me. I do judge her for that, most of all for teaching Sister and me that we were the cause of our nada's rage, by telling us that we " made " her beat us, and that we deserved it because we were bad, ungrateful, lying, lazy, good for nothing kids. My nada had the means, the opportunity and the choice to seek help and she didn't. I also blame dad for not stepping in and protecting his kids from the damage being done to us; I believe that it was obvious that my nada was too mentally ill to have been left virtually alone to raise children, yet, that is precisely what happened. If my nada had been willing to own her own negative, toxic behaviors and had sought help, I would have cried with relief and joy and would have gladly given her emotional support, but she was not willing to do that. Instead she was convinced that she herself was perfect and it was everyone else who was causing her problems, and Sister and I are the ones who paid the price of nada's need to remain perfect and blameless in her own eyes. -Annie > > > > ... We know so much more today than back then. I think we have to be careful when talking about the older generation and their issues. We can't judge them with new knowledge we have that they were not privy to. So many things were unknown back when our sick parents were maturing and we are so blessed to be in a generation that has more knowledge and treatments now!!! Thank God our kids and grandkids will have more knowledge, treatments and tools than we have. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 , I love this: " She chose to put herself first instead of the well being of her children. For all these years we've been confused by her but given her a pass on it and I just can't do that anymore. As a mom I know when I'm being unreasonable and too angry to deal with my kids so I don't hurt them. . .they should have known too. BPD is not an excuse - just a place to start the understanding. " My husband has three children with his undiagnosed BPD ex. They tell us stories about their mother's antics. Those poor things....So much of what they are going through is what I went though as a child. But I don't feel like it's my place to explain BPD to a child. But I wish I knew how to better help them. Looking back, I would've been so grateful to know what was going on with my mother when I was a child. I can't help but think I could have avoided such low self esteem and self-doubt I've experienced into adulthood. But then again, I think, would I really have understood it back then if I have had someone to explain and give me some coping strategies. Would I have just thought that person was crazy for trying to help me like that?? Would I have just fallen back on the whole, " she has to love me, she's my mother " bit?? I don't know. My husband and I just try to give his children a sense of normal and consistency when they are with us. It seems like all we can do. > > > > > > ... We know so much more today than back then. I think we have to be > careful when talking about the older generation and their issues. We can't > judge them with new knowledge we have that they were not privy to. So many > things were unknown back when our sick parents were maturing and we are so > blessed to be in a generation that has more knowledge and treatments now!!! > Thank God our kids and grandkids will have more knowledge, treatments and > tools than we have. > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 NGC, I think that's wonderful that you are providing an island of peace: a safe, consistent, reliable place of calm reasonableness for your husband's children. With you and their dad, these children can learn from your example and your fairness toward them that you can be trusted. Just the fact that you genuinely care about these children and treat them as fellow human beings that have feelings, is probably doing them a great deal of good already. As a very young child, I had come to believe that all adult women must be just like my nada: that they would be nice and smile and be sweet when we were in public or when other adults were around but that they'd change and be mean, angry, scary and hurt me when nobody else was watching. I wasn't allowed to spend very much time away from my nada, so it took me a really, really long time to understand that most people behaved the same way in private as they did in public, and could be trusted. I think that if I'd been allowed to spend more time completely away from my nada, in the homes of friends or relatives, I would have been able to gain that insight much earlier in life. I also think its important to reassure kids that they are good, and they are lovable. Reassure them that everyone makes mistakes but they can try again to do better, and they're still a good person. Let each child know it if there are things about them that you truly like; if you genuinely enjoy their company, tell them that. Give them positive reinforcement whenever you can. Sister and I grew up believing that we were severely flawed, inferior and disappointing; my nada told me that I was repulsive and unlovable, and my nada would often mention my physical flaws with disappointment and even contempt. (And she would tell me crazy, untrue shit: my own mother told me that I made myself nearsighted, making me feel deep shame for needing to wear glasses and for other physical shortcomings and weaknesses I had no control over.) So whenever an opportunity presents itself for you to give the kids genuine compliments for good things they do or goals they achieve, or just because they're sweet kids, take that opportunity to say so, so that the children can gain some self-esteem, I think that would really help. Their resilience to their bpd mother's abuse can be bolstered by having at least some self-confidence. Thumb's up from me for being such a compassionate and empathetic mom to your husband's kids. You are their special angel, I'm thinking. -Annie > > , > > I love this: " She chose to put herself first instead of the well being of her children. For all these years we've been confused by her but given her a pass on it and I just can't do that anymore. As a mom I know when I'm being unreasonable and too angry to deal with my kids so I don't hurt them. . .they should have known too. BPD is not an excuse - just a place to start the understanding. " > > My husband has three children with his undiagnosed BPD ex. They tell us stories about their mother's antics. Those poor things....So much of what they are going through is what I went though as a child. But I don't feel like it's my place to explain BPD to a child. But I wish I knew how to better help them. Looking back, I would've been so grateful to know what was going on with my mother when I was a child. I can't help but think I could have avoided such low self esteem and self-doubt I've experienced into adulthood. But then again, I think, would I really have understood it back then if I have had someone to explain and give me some coping strategies. Would I have just thought that person was crazy for trying to help me like that?? Would I have just fallen back on the whole, " she has to love me, she's my mother " bit?? I don't know. My husband and I just try to give his children a sense of normal and consistency when they are with us. It seems like all we can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 I don't know the circumstances of your childhood nor do I minimize the hurt and suffering you have gone through. I merely tried to clarify what I meant the best I could and to be honest wasn't pointing the finger at you personally. Was trying to be general in my statements. I apologize if it didn't come across like that. Sometimes these types of communcation don't convey the true meaning with conversations because one can't see a face or body language behind it. My mother had the means as well to get help. She was a very sick individual and suffered alot...died from alcoholism at 58, just 6 years older than I am now, which is way too young to die. She hurt her kids as well. If she had gotten help they wouldn't have known about BPD back then, so really what kind of help could she have gotten?? Does that make my pain go away? Not in the least but reality is what reality is. BTW we as a family court ordered my mother to get into detox and help. Professionals still didn't reconize how deep her issues where back 30 years ago, so can I fault my mother, or the system, for lack of knowledge?? Let's pretend in reverse that my mum got all the help she needed and managed her BPD wonderfully the rest of her life...does that mean I no longer need help for my issues?? Does that mean I am now " cured " from all my fleas? I wish it was like that. My mother is dead. The recovery from living with her issues in my life is on going. It doesn't stop because I stopped having contact with her many years before her death, or because she passed away when I was in my 20's. I still have major reactions to my BPD stepdaughter that are rooted in my childhood. That is no longer my mother's problem, it is my problem. That isn't fair but I must move forward in keeping the focus on myself, so I get better, rather than convincing myself my mother didn't love me and revictimize myself all over again. I can't really judge what went on the inside my mother towards her kids. I am not God and all knowing. I do know how I feel and see things. I have control over changing myself. I am an elementary school teacher. Today if I was in school as a 3rd grader with the same family issues they would call family services. Back when I was really in 3rd grade they didn't do that. Can I get all upset with a school system from 50 years ago didn't have a policy in place for teachers to intervene? Maybe, but don't think that is a productive use of my recovery time. It was the best system they had back then with the knowledge they had. I really don't know the hell my mum went through. I have a few good recovery buddies that have talked to me from their side of BPD so I can guess a bit. Maybe hearing their side of the story has given me a bit of compassion towards my mother. I am getting that this thing is not only hard on the kids but the ones that suffer from it and society as a whole. I don't mean to offend anyone with this...just my opinion. My experiences may be different. That is not wrong, just different. We all are on different paths with this. That is not meant to invalidate others paths. > > > > > > ... We know so much more today than back then. I think we have to be careful when talking about the older generation and their issues. We can't judge them with new knowledge we have that they were not privy to. So many things were unknown back when our sick parents were maturing and we are so blessed to be in a generation that has more knowledge and treatments now!!! Thank God our kids and grandkids will have more knowledge, treatments and tools than we have. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 I'm glad you said that you didn't mean to be invalidating, because I did feel invalidated by your earlier posts. I guess that you and I will have to agree to disagree about holding people accountable for their behaviors; my perspective is that having a *non-psychotic* mental disorder such as a personality disorder and/or a substance abuse problem is not a reason or excuse to behave abusively toward one's children. I feel the same way about pedophiles and child-rapists; yes they are mentally ill but they are still accountable morally and legally for the crimes they commit and the harm they do, and when caught and convicted they experience the consequences of being judged guilty for their reprehensible behaviors. Good! Even in decades and generations past, there was help available to those who had anger management problems and violence problems, marriage problems, etc., but my nada did not ever accept personal responsibility for her actions or words and chose not to even admit she was behaving inappropriately and my enmeshed, co-dependent dad just didn't want to think about it. It would have made all the difference in the world in my life, my Sister's life and in my parents' lives if my mother had ever chosen to say " I think I need help, there's something wrong with me; I can see that I'm hurting you and your sister your dad and I don't want to be like this. " But she never did. So yes, I feel it was an important step in my own healing for me to give the guilt and responsibility back to my mother, it was wrong of her to mistreat my Sister and me and then make us believe that we were the cause of our own mistreatment! That's just evil to do that to another human being, particularly to one's own child who is abjectly defenseless and vulnerable and dependent on their parent to explain the truth of things and define reality for their children. My way of getting past the damage done to me is to (hopefully) help fellow adult children of abusive parents realize (hopefully earlier in life) that they didn't cause their parents to be the way they are, they are not " making " their parents mistreat them, they are not responsible for managing their parent's feelings for them, they do not deserve the mistreatment and its OK to stop allowing their pd parent to mistreat them. Its OK to establish reasonable adult boundaries with a pd parent, its OK if you need to establish Limited Contact or go No Contact: its OK to protect yourself from someone who is harmful to you even if its your own parent. So I guess that bottom line, I *am* comfortable with judging my mother on her behaviors and holding her personally accountable for the damage she did. Nada also did good things for Sister and me; my nada wasn't all bad, she was not a monster, but her " perfect mother " side did not undo the chronic, ongoing damage that the abuse did; in fact, it made me hang on longer and endure more abuse, hoping that if I just tried harder and was a better daughter, I could make her happy and she would be kinder and would stop lashing out and hurting me. If my mother had had a psychotic disorder, then that's different. Those with psychotic disorders are neither morally nor legally responsible for their criminal acts; they are deemed " legally insane " . But my mother wasn't psychotic (up until the last year or so of her life); she did have extreme paranoia and fixed delusional ideation, but my mother didn't suffer from hallucinations and she knew right from wrong, and she had choices but she *chose* to throw my Sister and me under the bus, so to speak, to preserve her own sense of being the perfect mother and the blameless victim of others' malevolent intentions. So, anyway. Yes, its OK that we have different opinions and philosophies; its not a black and white world and unlike our personality disordered parents we can tolerate differences and " shades of gray " amongst ourselves. -Annie > > I don't know the circumstances of your childhood nor do I minimize the hurt and suffering you have gone through. I merely tried to clarify what I meant the best I could and to be honest wasn't pointing the finger at you personally. Was trying to be general in my statements. I apologize if it didn't come across like that. Sometimes these types of communcation don't convey the true meaning with conversations because one can't see a face or body language behind it. > > My mother had the means as well to get help. She was a very sick individual and suffered alot...died from alcoholism at 58, just 6 years older than I am now, which is way too young to die. She hurt her kids as well. If she had gotten help they wouldn't have known about BPD back then, so really what kind of help could she have gotten?? Does that make my pain go away? Not in the least but reality is what reality is. > > BTW we as a family court ordered my mother to get into detox and help. Professionals still didn't reconize how deep her issues where back 30 years ago, so can I fault my mother, or the system, for lack of knowledge?? Let's pretend in reverse that my mum got all the help she needed and managed her BPD wonderfully the rest of her life...does that mean I no longer need help for my issues?? Does that mean I am now " cured " from all my fleas? I wish it was like that. > > My mother is dead. The recovery from living with her issues in my life is on going. It doesn't stop because I stopped having contact with her many years before her death, or because she passed away when I was in my 20's. I still have major reactions to my BPD stepdaughter that are rooted in my childhood. That is no longer my mother's problem, it is my problem. That isn't fair but I must move forward in keeping the focus on myself, so I get better, rather than convincing myself my mother didn't love me and revictimize myself all over again. I can't really judge what went on the inside my mother towards her kids. I am not God and all knowing. I do know how I feel and see things. I have control over changing myself. > > I am an elementary school teacher. Today if I was in school as a 3rd grader with the same family issues they would call family services. Back when I was really in 3rd grade they didn't do that. Can I get all upset with a school system from 50 years ago didn't have a policy in place for teachers to intervene? Maybe, but don't think that is a productive use of my recovery time. It was the best system they had back then with the knowledge they had. > > I really don't know the hell my mum went through. I have a few good recovery buddies that have talked to me from their side of BPD so I can guess a bit. Maybe hearing their side of the story has given me a bit of compassion towards my mother. I am getting that this thing is not only hard on the kids but the ones that suffer from it and society as a whole. > > I don't mean to offend anyone with this...just my opinion. My experiences may be different. That is not wrong, just different. We all are on different paths with this. That is not meant to invalidate others paths. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 Dear Annie, Thank you for your erudite letter. I've been very conflicted about the amount of responsibility to put on my mother for the damage she did, knowing that the label " borderline personality disorder " did not even exist when she first started doing her thing. But to paraphrase you, an abuser is still an abuser, no matter the label. I KNOW she realizes what she did and is still doing, but she will go to any lengths or corrupt the meaning of any conversation to prove herself blameless and correct. My sister and I to this day talk about how she was not all bad. About how she could be kind and even sweet and how it kept us coming back for more. We talk about how each time, we believed that this new kind mother would 'stick' and the other one wouldn't return. We were wrong, of course. Thank you for helping me get my thoughts in order and removing some of my guilt for doing what had to be done for my own well-being. mimi > > I'm glad you said that you didn't mean to be invalidating, because I did feel invalidated by your earlier posts. I guess that you and I will have to agree to disagree about holding people accountable for their behaviors; my perspective is that having a *non-psychotic* mental disorder such as a personality disorder and/or a substance abuse problem is not a reason or excuse to behave abusively toward one's children. I feel the same way about pedophiles and child-rapists; yes they are mentally ill but they are still accountable morally and legally for the crimes they commit and the harm they do, and when caught and convicted they experience the consequences of being judged guilty for their reprehensible behaviors. Good! > > Even in decades and generations past, there was help available to those who had anger management problems and violence problems, marriage problems, etc., but my nada did not ever accept personal responsibility for her actions or words and chose not to even admit she was behaving inappropriately and my enmeshed, co-dependent dad just didn't want to think about it. It would have made all the difference in the world in my life, my Sister's life and in my parents' lives if my mother had ever chosen to say " I think I need help, there's something wrong with me; I can see that I'm hurting you and your sister your dad and I don't want to be like this. " But she never did. > > So yes, I feel it was an important step in my own healing for me to give the guilt and responsibility back to my mother, it was wrong of her to mistreat my Sister and me and then make us believe that we were the cause of our own mistreatment! That's just evil to do that to another human being, particularly to one's own child who is abjectly defenseless and vulnerable and dependent on their parent to explain the truth of things and define reality for their children. > > My way of getting past the damage done to me is to (hopefully) help fellow adult children of abusive parents realize (hopefully earlier in life) that they didn't cause their parents to be the way they are, they are not " making " their parents mistreat them, they are not responsible for managing their parent's feelings for them, they do not deserve the mistreatment and its OK to stop allowing their pd parent to mistreat them. Its OK to establish reasonable adult boundaries with a pd parent, its OK if you need to establish Limited Contact or go No Contact: its OK to protect yourself from someone who is harmful to you even if its your own parent. > > So I guess that bottom line, I *am* comfortable with judging my mother on her behaviors and holding her personally accountable for the damage she did. Nada also did good things for Sister and me; my nada wasn't all bad, she was not a monster, but her " perfect mother " side did not undo the chronic, ongoing damage that the abuse did; in fact, it made me hang on longer and endure more abuse, hoping that if I just tried harder and was a better daughter, I could make her happy and she would be kinder and would stop lashing out and hurting me. > > If my mother had had a psychotic disorder, then that's different. Those with psychotic disorders are neither morally nor legally responsible for their criminal acts; they are deemed " legally insane " . But my mother wasn't psychotic (up until the last year or so of her life); she did have extreme paranoia and fixed delusional ideation, but my mother didn't suffer from hallucinations and she knew right from wrong, and she had choices but she *chose* to throw my Sister and me under the bus, so to speak, to preserve her own sense of being the perfect mother and the blameless victim of others' malevolent intentions. > > So, anyway. Yes, its OK that we have different opinions and philosophies; its not a black and white world and unlike our personality disordered parents we can tolerate differences and " shades of gray " amongst ourselves. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2012 Report Share Posted September 8, 2012 Anuria, I deeply appreciate your honesty with me. I hear the pain you went through. Please re-read what I wrote. I don't recall ever saying that a person doesn't suffer the consequences of their actions nor that BPD is a good reason for not playing by the rules we all play by in order to have healthy families and societies. I think I can have some compassion for the state my mum was in and be hurt, angry, scared and upset over what happened in my childhood at the same time. Those are not mutually exclusive ideas in my mind but that is just where I am today. By feeling compassion for my mum I am in no way accepting I am responsible for it either. I also can't see where having compassion is empowering them to hurt me again. My mother didn't ask for BPD or alcoholism. She didn't say at 8 years old, Gee, I want to grow up to be BPD and alcoholic and hurt people that love me. She also was dealt a raw deal in life. I have no clue if she was born that way or made that way. To be honest I didn't want to be like my mother. I had verbalized it in my teens but I did grow up to be an alcoholic myself. For many years I kept telling myself that I wasn't because I compared myself to my mother. Of course I wasn't as bad as her! Still I did hurt people while I was drinking, smoking pot and doing whatever. Since being in AA and working the steps I have apologized to many I offended. Only by the grace of God!! I had no intention of ever being alcoholic but it happened to me as well. You would think that someone that suffered from a dysfuntional alcoholic house would avoid the pitfalls, wouldn't you?? My mum suffered in life. I suffered too. Just two humans that suffered, some was due the cards we both were dealt, some was of our own making. I am so grateful I have tools that my mum didn't. I can move forward. She never did. Deep down I love my mum, we have a biological connection, but I sure don't like her behaviors. Again, I don't see loving a sick person as uncompatible with getting over the hurt they caused in my life. In fact I think it helps me to not revictimize myself all over again. Maybe it has to do with my own reflectons on my behaviors while in the recovery program. I can understand how hard it is to change, get help and work on oneself. My sobriety didn't come easy. I made a whole lot of mistakes in the process. Getting help and getting healthier has not been a cake walk for me. Maybe for others here it has. My hat goes off to you, I am envious. > > > > I don't know the circumstances of your childhood nor do I minimize the hurt and suffering you have gone through. I merely tried to clarify what I meant the best I could and to be honest wasn't pointing the finger at you personally. Was trying to be general in my statements. I apologize if it didn't come across like that. Sometimes these types of communcation don't convey the true meaning with conversations because one can't see a face or body language behind it. > > > > My mother had the means as well to get help. She was a very sick individual and suffered alot...died from alcoholism at 58, just 6 years older than I am now, which is way too young to die. She hurt her kids as well. If she had gotten help they wouldn't have known about BPD back then, so really what kind of help could she have gotten?? Does that make my pain go away? Not in the least but reality is what reality is. > > > > BTW we as a family court ordered my mother to get into detox and help. Professionals still didn't reconize how deep her issues where back 30 years ago, so can I fault my mother, or the system, for lack of knowledge?? Let's pretend in reverse that my mum got all the help she needed and managed her BPD wonderfully the rest of her life...does that mean I no longer need help for my issues?? Does that mean I am now " cured " from all my fleas? I wish it was like that. > > > > My mother is dead. The recovery from living with her issues in my life is on going. It doesn't stop because I stopped having contact with her many years before her death, or because she passed away when I was in my 20's. I still have major reactions to my BPD stepdaughter that are rooted in my childhood. That is no longer my mother's problem, it is my problem. That isn't fair but I must move forward in keeping the focus on myself, so I get better, rather than convincing myself my mother didn't love me and revictimize myself all over again. I can't really judge what went on the inside my mother towards her kids. I am not God and all knowing. I do know how I feel and see things. I have control over changing myself. > > > > I am an elementary school teacher. Today if I was in school as a 3rd grader with the same family issues they would call family services. Back when I was really in 3rd grade they didn't do that. Can I get all upset with a school system from 50 years ago didn't have a policy in place for teachers to intervene? Maybe, but don't think that is a productive use of my recovery time. It was the best system they had back then with the knowledge they had. > > > > I really don't know the hell my mum went through. I have a few good recovery buddies that have talked to me from their side of BPD so I can guess a bit. Maybe hearing their side of the story has given me a bit of compassion towards my mother. I am getting that this thing is not only hard on the kids but the ones that suffer from it and society as a whole. > > > > I don't mean to offend anyone with this...just my opinion. My experiences may be different. That is not wrong, just different. We all are on different paths with this. That is not meant to invalidate others paths. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.