I'm new and SO relieved to have found you!

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone,

It sounds like many of you share my story. Lots of difficult times, confusion,

self-doubt, etc. I was thrilled to stumble across Randi's website and many

others and find her book in my library. My mom has not been diagnosed with

anything as far as I know, but I know without a doubt that she has BPD. My

father was diagnosed and hospitalized for bipolar when I was 10 so the focus has

always been his mental health.

I'm 38 and in a long-term relationship, but I see myself repeating some of the

BPD behaviours I've lived with my whole life - scary! Luckily, my partner

intuitively knows how to deal with that nonsense most of the time.

My question - can we recognize BPD in our moms and still have a loving

relationship with them? I hope so, and Randi's Family Guide makes it seem

possible. I actually feel much more open to my mom after realizing what has

made her seem so crazy all these years. Putting a name to it doesn't excuse it,

but it does make ME feel less confused, freakish, and isolated!

Thank you so much for having this resource and sharing your own experiences.

Coco

[Guest guest]

I think it is possible in some cases to remain in contact with a bpd parent

because bpd comes in a range of severity; some with bpd have it in a milder

form; but the intensity and frequency of the behaviors can range up through

moderate to severe.

And its possible because the adult kids of bpd parents have their own levels of

resilience, and their own level of accumulated emotional damage, and/or are at

their own point in healing/recovery, so each bpd parent/non-bpd child

relationship dynamic is unique.

That's great that you are educating yourself about bpd, about healthy

boundaries, and management techniques; knowledge is power! I think Randi

Kreger's " Stop Walking On Eggshells " was the first book I read about borderline

pd, and it helped me realize that bpd is a real, genuine mental disorder and

that I didn't " make " my mother the was she was, or " make " her treat us the way

she did.

And yes, it can happen that the child of a mother with bpd will present bpd-like

behaviors due to being exposed to them every day as " normal " ; here that is

called picking up bpd " fleas " . But its possible for a KO to " de-flea " himself

or herself mainly because as a non-pd person you are actually *aware* that

bpd-like behaviors are negative, destructive and counter-productive. If you

have the capacity to be distressed by your own negative behaviors that means you

have the trait of empathy: you *care* that behaving that way is hurting your

loved ones (and hurting yourself) . The ability to care about the feelings of

others and the willingness to take personal responsibility for your own " stuff "

is the crucial factor that means that change is possible for a KO with " fleas. "

(Its less likely that a person with bpd will be able to achieve that

breakthrough point; its possible but not probable.)

So, yes; in some cases it is possible to maintain contact and have a loving

relationship with a bpd parent, and in some cases it isn't.

My own personal opinion is that when the bpd behaviors/traits are present in a

moderate to severe degree and there are a great deal of narcissistic pd traits,

and/or antisocial pd traits in the mix, or other co-morbid mental disorders,

its not as likely that a healthy relationship can be maintained. But in the

milder cases, yes, there is more of a chance of remaining in the relationship

and keeping it healthy. Then, its a matter of the KO learning about what

healthy boundaries actually are and, as Lawson puts it in

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " :

" ...learning how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the

hermit without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject,

and to live with the witch without becoming her victim. "

(However in some cases, the only way to not become the victim of the " witch " bpd

is to completely separate or " divorce " the dangerously abusive parent and go No

Contact. Sad, but true.)

So, welcome to the Group. I hope you will find as much peace, healing and

support here as I have.

-Annie

>

> Hello everyone,

>

> It sounds like many of you share my story. Lots of difficult times, confusion,

self-doubt, etc. I was thrilled to stumble across Randi's website and many

others and find her book in my library. My mom has not been diagnosed with

anything as far as I know, but I know without a doubt that she has BPD. My

father was diagnosed and hospitalized for bipolar when I was 10 so the focus has

always been his mental health.

>

> I'm 38 and in a long-term relationship, but I see myself repeating some of the

BPD behaviours I've lived with my whole life - scary! Luckily, my partner

intuitively knows how to deal with that nonsense most of the time.

>

> My question - can we recognize BPD in our moms and still have a loving

relationship with them? I hope so, and Randi's Family Guide makes it seem

possible. I actually feel much more open to my mom after realizing what has

made her seem so crazy all these years. Putting a name to it doesn't excuse it,

but it does make ME feel less confused, freakish, and isolated!

>

> Thank you so much for having this resource and sharing your own experiences.

>

> Coco

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Coco,

My feelings on your question is that you can have a relationship

with some nadas (that's our term for non-motherly mothers) but

that most of them aren't really capable of feeling what the rest

of us call " love " . If you don't expect to get that from them and

have strong boundaries you may be able to have a relationship

where you can show your love for her. Or you may not. Nadas come

with a range of underlying personalities and a range of BPD

symptoms. Some of them would probably be nasty people even

without the BPD. They can be very dangerous people and it may

not be possible to have a healthy relationship with them at all.

Others, like my nada, aren't inherently nasty but the BPD twists

their thinking so badly that they do a lot of nasty things. I

manage to have a relationship with my nada but it takes a lot of

effort to keep it healthy for me.

Putting a name to it is very helpful in my experience. With a

name, you develop understanding of what's going on and how to

best deal with it. With a name you can find other people, like

us, who understand what you're going through. With a name, you

can say " it really is her, not me who has a problem " . When the

name is " BPD " , it lets you know that the problem isn't something

that she chose to have even though she's choosing the individual

actions that she takes.

At 06:12 PM 09/04/2012 cocobpdd wrote:

>Hello everyone,

>

>It sounds like many of you share my story. Lots of difficult

>times, confusion, self-doubt, etc. I was thrilled to stumble

>across Randi's website and many others and find her book in my

>library. My mom has not been diagnosed with anything as far as

>I know, but I know without a doubt that she has BPD. My father

>was diagnosed and hospitalized for bipolar when I was 10 so the

>focus has always been his mental health.

>

>I'm 38 and in a long-term relationship, but I see myself

>repeating some of the BPD behaviours I've lived with my whole

>life - scary! Luckily, my partner intuitively knows how to

>deal with that nonsense most of the time.

>

>My question - can we recognize BPD in our moms and still have a

>loving relationship with them? I hope so, and Randi's Family

>Guide makes it seem possible. I actually feel much more open

>to my mom after realizing what has made her seem so crazy all

>these years. Putting a name to it doesn't excuse it, but it

>does make ME feel less confused, freakish, and isolated!

>

>Thank you so much for having this resource and sharing your own

>experiences.

>

>Coco

--

Katrina