NADA having breakdown

[Guest guest]

Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be if

our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to take

lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second troubled

marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of us. My fada

called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she is having a

breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually

kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the problem is i cant

comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling

all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other day to ask to come for a

visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take it

back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the rambling, this just

happened and I'm a little shaken.

Thanks.

[Guest guest]

That is SO hard! She is struggling for a reason, but you can still be kind

to her. Just keep your boundaries strong and in place when she comes for a

visit. :-( Don't feel guilty about her decisions!!! Is she making you

feel guilty or you are because you can't tell her what she wants to hear?

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of esti_cohen

Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 2:02 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: NADA having breakdown

Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be

if our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to

take lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second

troubled marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she

treated me and my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of

us. My fada called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she

is having a breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she

wont actually kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is

afraid she wont do it all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up.

the problem is i cant comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot.

Now of course I'm feeling all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other

day to ask to come for a visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm

not so sure. If I take it back though will that make her worse. Sorry for

the rambling, this just happened and I'm a little shaken.

Thanks.

[Guest guest]

Nadas are masters at emotional manipulation. They'll say pretty

much anything to get what they want including threatening to

kill themselves. One weapon in their arsenal is making us feel

like we should comfort them. If she's really having a

breakdown, she needs professional help. If she's talking about

suicide, then you should treat it like a serious threat. Call

the authorities and tell them she's threatening suicide. If

she's a danger to herself or others, they can take appropriate

action to get her help.

This is not your fault. You have no reason to feel guilty. If

she does harm herself, that's her choice, not your fault.

If you do visit her, don't let her get away with trampling on

your boundaries. Her talk of suicide doesn't give her a free

pass to misbehave. Quite the reverse.

At 04:01 PM 09/05/2012 esti_cohen wrote:

>Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our

>lives woul be if our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I

>know but she's been hard to take lately. Anyway Nada has not

>has an easy life. she's in her second troubled marriage, she's

>never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

>my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of

>us. My fada called today and said " call mom and keep her on

>the phone, she is having a breakdown " . i called and she

>mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually kill herself but

>only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

>all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the

>problem is i cant comfort her because I agree, she did screw

>up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling all sorts of guilty. She

>had just called the other day to ask to come for a visit and I

>had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take

>it back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the

>rambling, this just happened and I'm a little shaken.

>

>Thanks.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I just got a concerned call from my very supportive s-i-l she informed me that

Nada told my brother that she has lost 40 LBS because I won't talk to her. S-I-L

and my brother wanted to let me know, because they are concerned for me. they

are worried she is saying crap to turn people against me.

I have no clue about the 40 lb thing, but not too long ago she was bragging

about a diet she is on, and how she was loosing more weight than in a long time

..

so I guess she is making the most of her weight loss.

I was happy to hear it from them before I have it flung at me by someone else.

S-i-l also let me know that they think nada is not putting any effort into

understanding me at all, and if felt really good to have her say that.

I agree with the former advice. call the authorities, she may never forgive you,

but since when is that new?

Nadas can martyr themselves,and become a victim in ANY situation, and only want

to be right,and have power. you can't make her feel better. she needs way more

help than you could give her. I still think you can be kind, but do it because

it will bring you peace of mind, not because it will help her, or make her

behave. this is hard to stomach, but I think lots of us have learned that the

hard way. her behavior is her own, even if she won't take responsibility, you

don't have to. your feelings are valid.

Meikjn

> >Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our

> >lives woul be if our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I

> >know but she's been hard to take lately. Anyway Nada has not

> >has an easy life. she's in her second troubled marriage, she's

> >never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

> >my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of

> >us. My fada called today and said " call mom and keep her on

> >the phone, she is having a breakdown " . i called and she

> >mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually kill herself but

> >only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

> >all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the

> >problem is i cant comfort her because I agree, she did screw

> >up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling all sorts of guilty. She

> >had just called the other day to ask to come for a visit and I

> >had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take

> >it back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the

> >rambling, this just happened and I'm a little shaken.

> >

> >Thanks.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

BPD folks are notorious for not wanting to own their feelings but to have

you carry them for them. Sounds like your mom knows she screwed up but

wants you to carry her guilt. Don't do it.

You can feel sad for her but you don't need to feel guilt. It is not your

fault she screwed up or that she feels bad. Not sure what the details are

with your mom's condition but if she is that depressed thinking of suicide

etc. she needs professional help. It is not possible for a daughter to be

her mother's therapist though they would like to make us that it is not

appropriate for many reasons.

She needs to take her angst, guilt and sadness to a therapist not to you.

You can't fix her and you can't take her pain away. The only person who can

do that is her.

My Nada called saying similar things about 2 weeks ago and I told her that I

was sorry she was feeling so bad, but if she feels that bad she should go

to therapy and talk it out with a counselor. I am her daughter and not in

a position to counselor her like a professional would. Of course she

didn't want to hear that because it means she would have to be adult and

take resp. for her own feelings and then go and do something about it. After

that I never heard another word about how " bad " she felt.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Can you have someone with you to support you during her visit? It sounds like

it could get difficult with her in her present state of mind.

>

> Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be if

our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to take

lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second troubled

marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of us. My fada

called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she is having a

breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually

kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the problem is i cant

comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling

all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other day to ask to come for a

visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take it

back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the rambling, this just

happened and I'm a little shaken.

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

If your mother is having a breakdown, your father needs to be calling a doctor

or a therapist, NOT you. It is not your job to comfort your mother or talk her

down of a ledge. She needs professional help for that. Next time you can tell

him as much.

>

> Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be if

our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to take

lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second troubled

marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of us. My fada

called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she is having a

breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually

kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the problem is i cant

comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling

all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other day to ask to come for a

visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take it

back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the rambling, this just

happened and I'm a little shaken.

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

I have these same thoughts. Oh, how glorious life would be if I didn't have to

deal with her anymore!! But here I am. Here we are. I'm sorry you are dealing

with this. I wish I could take the guilt you feel and ram it straight down your

nada's throat. No one should have to deal with what we all deal with. Maybe

that's harsh, but I hope you know I'm not being literal here. Just

commiserative.

>

> Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be if

our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to take

lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second troubled

marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of us. My fada

called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she is having a

breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually

kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the problem is i cant

comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling

all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other day to ask to come for a

visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take it

back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the rambling, this just

happened and I'm a little shaken.

>

> Thanks.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with this advice. Few if any of us here have the training or experience

to effectively help someone who expresses suicidal thoughts, is making suicide

threats or has made an actual suicide attempt.

Keep in mind that even trained professional therapists and surgeons generally do

NOT treat their own loved ones because they are too emotionally involved. In a

crisis situation, calm emotional distance and professional objectivity are

necessary to effectively treat the person in crisis; its really, really

difficult if not impossible to " shut off " one's emotions and remain calm,

rational, and professionally detached with a parent (or other loved one) who is

threatening or attempting suicide.

The first time my nada made a suicide threat, Sister didn't know what to do

either. We'd had no experience with that behavior from our nada before and it

took Sister and our aunt by surprise and scared them. But afterward, Sister

discussed the incident with her adult son/my nephew, and with our our aunt, and

kept me in the loop as well (although I was No Contact with nada at the time.)

We determined that the best thing to do was call 911 right away if nada should

again talk about killing herself or if she should make a suicide attempt. We

figured that if nada was genuinely considering/threatening suicide then she

needed trained medical help: she needed to be in a hospital. And if nada was

just threatening to kill herself in order to generate attention or inflict guilt

(a manipulative ploy) then having the paramedics arrive to take her in for a

72-hour hold and observation would be a negative, embarrassing and expensive

consequence.

In either case, we determined that calling the professionals was the best course

of action.

That is the advice given most often at sites for suicide prevention and crisis:

TAKE ALL THREATS OF SUICIDE SERIOUSLY AND CALL 911. (Keep in mind that bpd has

the highest completed suicide rate of all the personality disorders, considered

to be due to bpd high impulsivity.)

As it turned out, in my nada's case, she didn't make more suicide threats after

that first time, when she called her sister, sobbing hysterically and demanded

that her sister take her to buy a gun so she could kill herself (which as you

can imagine scared the crap out of all of us; my nada was MUCH more likely to

act OUT than act IN.)

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> >

> > Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be

if our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to take

lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second troubled

marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of us. My fada

called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she is having a

breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually

kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the problem is i cant

comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling

all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other day to ask to come for a

visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take it

back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the rambling, this just

happened and I'm a little shaken.

> >

> > Thanks.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My husband's grandfather, his younger brother and my nephew all committed

suicide. I don't care who mentions suicide to me. I am fully prepared to call

911 and report it. No one should take any mention of suicide as meanless or a

joke. Call 911 immediately. BPDs have pretty high rates when it comes to

suicide. I would rather err on the wrong side than to have someone actually do

it and I did nothing to try and stop it. I personally couldn't live with myself

if I stood by and did nothing. Anyone that mentions suicide is very sick and

should be locked up till they are deemed fit to be released. Our family

therapist has helped us to understand this with our BPD and if my mum was alive

and threatened, I would call 911. Any therapist would tell you the same thing.

Just ask one!!

> >

> > Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be

if our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to take

lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second troubled

marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of us. My fada

called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she is having a

breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually

kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the problem is i cant

comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling

all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other day to ask to come for a

visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take it

back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the rambling, this just

happened and I'm a little shaken.

> >

> > Thanks.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It is not your job to manage the adults in the generation before you. You have

no reason to feel guilty. Find, develop and enjoy yourself and be good to those

you have made commitments to, especially your own children if you have any.

>

> Lately my sis and i have been discussing how much easier our lives woul be if

our nada was " not around " . Kind of morbid I know but she's been hard to take

lately. Anyway Nada has not has an easy life. she's in her second troubled

marriage, she's never had a good job and because of the way she treated me and

my sis she doesnt have a good relationship with either one of us. My fada

called today and said " call mom and keep her on the phone, she is having a

breakdown " . i called and she mentioned suicide. she said she wont actually

kill herself but only because she doesnt know how and is afraid she wont do it

all the way. she kept crying that she is a screw up. the problem is i cant

comfort her because I agree, she did screw up, alot. Now of course I'm feeling

all sorts of guilty. She had just called the other day to ask to come for a

visit and I had said yes to a short one but now i'm not so sure. If I take it

back though will that make her worse. Sorry for the rambling, this just

happened and I'm a little shaken.

>

> Thanks.

>