And That's What I Get For Testing the Waters...

[Guest guest]

So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very carefully

about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like everything is

fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children and publicly chide

me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER. But of course, now

that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I have a different lens.

And that makes me feel a little better. But today I got a text. She wanted to

come over to drop off a gift for our daughter. It's an important, expensive

gift that she actually needs for her extracurriculars at school, and I'm really

grateful she wanted to buy it. (That was of course in the works before the

blowup, but still....) I told her that would be fine and invited her to eat with

us. Huge for me given all that has gone on. But I was curious. I wanted her

in my home to see her behavior through my new lens so I can further figure out

my boundaries and what I will tolerate. I then later remembered that this

particular daughter would likely go to church tonight and wouldn't be here. I

suggested to my mother that Friday might be a better day. She agreed and we set

it up for then. So you can imagine my surprise when she showed up at my door as

I was fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her, " I thought we swapped

days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I could say, I guess.

Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she was there. I asked

her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she hurried in, dropped

goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But I did not chase

after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned to do this

evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and my husband

saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " . Seriously?! Nothing

I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she wanted me to, suggested

that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to have to wonder about her

motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to calculate every teeny tiny

thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she really caught me off guard

tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual confusion and miscommunication

on both our parts and or she wanted to just show up at my house to see what I

would do. I guess I'll never know. My stomach is in knots now wondering where

this incident is going to go. I know this is not the end of it. And I know

it'll get construed into something huge and grandiose I'll be painted the bad

guy. Sigh......

[Guest guest]

Hey, this sounds annoying for you. Taking something from the BPD=game on!

I'm afraid you'll end up paying for this object with stress.

On Wed, Sep 5, 2012 at 8:11 PM, thenogoodchild stpmomspeechbbl@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

> carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

> everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children

> and publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER.

> But of course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I

> have a different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I

> got a text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter.

> It's an important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her

> extracurriculars at school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it.

> (That was of course in the works before the blowup, but still....) I told

> her that would be fine and invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given

> all that has gone on. But I was curious. I wanted her in my home to see her

> behavior through my new lens so I can further figure out my boundaries and

> what I will tolerate. I then later remembered that this particular daughter

> would likely go to church tonight and wouldn't be here. I suggested to my

> mother that Friday might be a better day. She agreed and we set it up for

> then. So you can imagine my surprise when she showed up at my door as I was

> fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her, " I thought we swapped

> days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I could say, I guess.

> Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she was there. I

> asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she hurried in,

> dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But I did

> not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned to

> do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

> my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

> Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

> wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to

> have to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to

> calculate every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she

> really caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual

> confusion and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just

> show up at my house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My

> stomach is in knots now wondering where this incident is going to go. I

> know this is not the end of it. And I know it'll get construed into

> something huge and grandiose I'll be painted the bad guy. Sigh......

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Why are they so strange??!! I can totally see my mother doing the same

thing. I say work toward just seeing her as insane and chalk up everything

she does to BPD. You shouldn't have to constantly second guess yourself

(which is what they are so good at making us do). That is the very thing

that causes us to have so many issues of our own - never trusting ourselves,

always backing down from what we want, etc. However, you'll want to confirm

if she is planning on coming Friday now too. . . just in case she shows up

again.

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of thenogoodchild

Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 6:11 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: And That's What I Get For Testing the Waters...

So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children

and publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER.

But of course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I

have a different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I

got a text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter.

It's an important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her

extracurriculars at school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it.

(That was of course in the works before the blowup, but still....) I told

her that would be fine and invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given all

that has gone on. But I was curious. I wanted her in my home to see her

behavior through my new lens so I can further figure out my boundaries and

what I will tolerate. I then later remembered that this particular daughter

would likely go to church tonight and wouldn't be here. I suggested to my

mother that Friday might be a better day. She agreed and we set it up for

then. So you can imagine my surprise when she showed up at my door as I was

fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her, " I thought we swapped days

to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I could say, I guess. Because

she took that to mean that I was appalled that she was there. I asked her if

she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she hurried in, dropped

goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But I did not chase

after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned to do this

evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and my

husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to

have to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to

calculate every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she

really caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual

confusion and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just

show up at my house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My

stomach is in knots now wondering where this incident is going to go. I know

this is not the end of it. And I know it'll get construed into something

huge and grandiose I'll be painted the bad guy. Sigh......

[Guest guest]

My guess: your mother interpreted your willingness to have her over for dinner

as an " all clear " signal, meaning that No Contact is over, everything was as it

was before your blowup, meaning that she can just drop in whenever she wants

without asking. You gave her an inch and she took a mile, so to speak.

My nada was like that. She interpreted my sending her a birthday card as the

same thing as me saying, " Dear mother, I'm over my stupid, inappropriate,

selfish, hateful, childish balkiness and this is my way of reinitiating contact

with you. " When the reality was that I had just sent her a card that said " I

hope you will have a lovely birthday. " So I had to stop sending her anything,

even a simple birthday card, because nada interpreted that to mean I was done

with No Contact.

Those with bpd tend to think in black-and-white terms, they don't tend to be

able to think in shades of gray. So, an invitation to come over for dinner

means (to your nada) that all is forgiven, and all is forgotten and she gets to

behave in her old, standard ways again (being intrusive, showing up uninvited

and expecting you to change your plans to accommodate her whims and needs,

having no boundaries: your house is her house, your children are her children,

etc., etc.)

-Annie

>

> So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children and

publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER. But of

course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I have a

different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I got a

text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter. It's an

important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her extracurriculars at

school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it. (That was of course in

the works before the blowup, but still....) I told her that would be fine and

invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given all that has gone on. But I was

curious. I wanted her in my home to see her behavior through my new lens so I

can further figure out my boundaries and what I will tolerate. I then later

remembered that this particular daughter would likely go to church tonight and

wouldn't be here. I suggested to my mother that Friday might be a better day.

She agreed and we set it up for then. So you can imagine my surprise when she

showed up at my door as I was fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her,

" I thought we swapped days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I

could say, I guess. Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she

was there. I asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she

hurried in, dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But

I did not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned

to do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to have

to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to calculate

every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she really

caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual confusion

and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just show up at my

house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My stomach is in knots

now wondering where this incident is going to go. I know this is not the end of

it. And I know it'll get construed into something huge and grandiose I'll be

painted the bad guy. Sigh......

>

[Guest guest]

omg, that sounds so much like my nada. I think their brains are programmed to

be instantly offended at every little thing that is said, to twist it against

themselves. It's such an agitated way to live. Ugh. Even now, when she and I

talk, I have to monitor and censor myself from saying anything that might set

off an instant or later explosion. I told her Sunday that my family and i might

go overseas next summer. I'm waiting for the delayed reaction to that statement!

GOOD FOR YOU for not running after her when she did her little dramatic dropping

of the gifts and dashing off. What a drama queen!

My nada has done things like this as well. When I look back on it, I wonder now

if she really wanted to stay at all and used actions like that as an " excuse "

for not staying. Since she really is very much a hermit.

I used to also get all stomach-tied about how nada would portray me to my

brother and father after things like this. After going LC with her for a while

now and filling my time up with things besides her (I seriously cannot believe

how she dominated my thoughts, my schedule, etc), it doesn't seem to bother me

as much anymore.

Good work!!

>

> So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children and

publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER. But of

course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I have a

different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I got a

text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter. It's an

important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her extracurriculars at

school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it. (That was of course in

the works before the blowup, but still....) I told her that would be fine and

invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given all that has gone on. But I was

curious. I wanted her in my home to see her behavior through my new lens so I

can further figure out my boundaries and what I will tolerate. I then later

remembered that this particular daughter would likely go to church tonight and

wouldn't be here. I suggested to my mother that Friday might be a better day.

She agreed and we set it up for then. So you can imagine my surprise when she

showed up at my door as I was fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her,

" I thought we swapped days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I

could say, I guess. Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she

was there. I asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she

hurried in, dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But

I did not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned

to do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to have

to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to calculate

every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she really

caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual confusion

and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just show up at my

house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My stomach is in knots

now wondering where this incident is going to go. I know this is not the end of

it. And I know it'll get construed into something huge and grandiose I'll be

painted the bad guy. Sigh......

>

[Guest guest]

Hermitsdaughter and Nogoodchild, you are both describing the very essence of

what " walking on eggshells " is: that communications with one's bpd parent must

be carefully, carefully executed in both word and tone/manner in order to avoid

triggering an explosion of rage or hysterics.

Really, it was more like tiptoeing through a minefield, trying to not step on

the hidden land mines, RE my nada.

Ironically, nada made me a good communicator; I would get complimented during my

career at a large, multinational corporation regarding how easy it was for our

foreign offices' co-workers and clients to understand me. I'd learned to

enunciate very clearly and distinctly, not speak too quickly and choose my words

very carefully so that there would be less of a chance that nada could

misinterpret what I was saying.

-Annie

> >

> > So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children and

publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER. But of

course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I have a

different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I got a

text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter. It's an

important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her extracurriculars at

school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it. (That was of course in

the works before the blowup, but still....) I told her that would be fine and

invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given all that has gone on. But I was

curious. I wanted her in my home to see her behavior through my new lens so I

can further figure out my boundaries and what I will tolerate. I then later

remembered that this particular daughter would likely go to church tonight and

wouldn't be here. I suggested to my mother that Friday might be a better day.

She agreed and we set it up for then. So you can imagine my surprise when she

showed up at my door as I was fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her,

" I thought we swapped days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I

could say, I guess. Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she

was there. I asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she

hurried in, dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But

I did not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned

to do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to have

to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to calculate

every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she really

caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual confusion

and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just show up at my

house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My stomach is in knots

now wondering where this incident is going to go. I know this is not the end of

it. And I know it'll get construed into something huge and grandiose I'll be

painted the bad guy. Sigh......

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the kind replies. I can't tell you how much hearing from you all

helps. I was talking to my husband this morning about how I just feel sad about

this whole thing with my mom. And I don't want to feel sad. BPD and past

memories and how much overwhelming sense I can make of things now are dominating

my thoughts. He says that the end of any relationship (or what we perceived to

be a relationship) is like a death and we have to grieve. I get that. Does it

just take time? Have any of your therapists helped you deal with this grief?

What kinds of strategies did they suggest? Because, frankly, the prospect of

trading a life of being controlled by her whims for a life filled with this

sadness doesn't sound like much of an improvement. Comprehension isn't my

problem. I'm just sad. I have so much to be happy about. I have a wonderful

husband, amazing kids, and a job that I absolutely love. Why am I wasting my

time and energy on this?! It's ridiculous, and I know it, but I can't shake the

sad.

> >

> > So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children and

publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER. But of

course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I have a

different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I got a

text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter. It's an

important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her extracurriculars at

school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it. (That was of course in

the works before the blowup, but still....) I told her that would be fine and

invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given all that has gone on. But I was

curious. I wanted her in my home to see her behavior through my new lens so I

can further figure out my boundaries and what I will tolerate. I then later

remembered that this particular daughter would likely go to church tonight and

wouldn't be here. I suggested to my mother that Friday might be a better day.

She agreed and we set it up for then. So you can imagine my surprise when she

showed up at my door as I was fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her,

" I thought we swapped days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I

could say, I guess. Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she

was there. I asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she

hurried in, dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But

I did not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned

to do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to have

to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to calculate

every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she really

caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual confusion

and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just show up at my

house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My stomach is in knots

now wondering where this incident is going to go. I know this is not the end of

it. And I know it'll get construed into something huge and grandiose I'll be

painted the bad guy. Sigh......

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The sad will get better. Promise.

On Thu, Sep 6, 2012 at 10:20 AM, thenogoodchild

stpmomspeechbbl@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Thanks for all the kind replies. I can't tell you how much hearing from

> you all helps. I was talking to my husband this morning about how I just

> feel sad about this whole thing with my mom. And I don't want to feel sad.

> BPD and past memories and how much overwhelming sense I can make of things

> now are dominating my thoughts. He says that the end of any relationship

> (or what we perceived to be a relationship) is like a death and we have to

> grieve. I get that. Does it just take time? Have any of your therapists

> helped you deal with this grief? What kinds of strategies did they suggest?

> Because, frankly, the prospect of trading a life of being controlled by her

> whims for a life filled with this sadness doesn't sound like much of an

> improvement. Comprehension isn't my problem. I'm just sad. I have so much

> to be happy about. I have a wonderful husband, amazing kids, and a job that

> I absolutely love. Why am I wasting my time and energy on this?! It's

> ridiculous, and I know it, but I can't shake the sad.

>

>

> > >

> > > So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

> carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

> everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children

> and publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER.

> But of course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I

> have a different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I

> got a text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter.

> It's an important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her

> extracurriculars at school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it.

> (That was of course in the works before the blowup, but still....) I told

> her that would be fine and invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given

> all that has gone on. But I was curious. I wanted her in my home to see her

> behavior through my new lens so I can further figure out my boundaries and

> what I will tolerate. I then later remembered that this particular daughter

> would likely go to church tonight and wouldn't be here. I suggested to my

> mother that Friday might be a better day. She agreed and we set it up for

> then. So you can imagine my surprise when she showed up at my door as I was

> fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her, " I thought we swapped

> days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I could say, I guess.

> Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she was there. I

> asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she hurried in,

> dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But I did

> not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned to

> do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

> my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

> Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

> wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to

> have to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to

> calculate every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she

> really caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual

> confusion and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just

> show up at my house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My

> stomach is in knots now wondering where this incident is going to go. I

> know this is not the end of it. And I know it'll get construed into

> something huge and grandiose I'll be painted the bad guy. Sigh......

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are probably going through the stages of grief, and are in the " depression "

stage. It does takes time to process grief, but the intensity of the sadness

will pass with time. The stages of grief according to the Kubler-Ross model

are:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

If you let yourself experience the sadness, let yourself grieve, it is better

than avoiding it. Letting yourself grieve and feel sad will help the process

happen and resolve into acceptance.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> > >

> > > So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children and

publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER. But of

course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I have a

different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I got a

text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter. It's an

important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her extracurriculars at

school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it. (That was of course in

the works before the blowup, but still....) I told her that would be fine and

invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given all that has gone on. But I was

curious. I wanted her in my home to see her behavior through my new lens so I

can further figure out my boundaries and what I will tolerate. I then later

remembered that this particular daughter would likely go to church tonight and

wouldn't be here. I suggested to my mother that Friday might be a better day.

She agreed and we set it up for then. So you can imagine my surprise when she

showed up at my door as I was fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her,

" I thought we swapped days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I

could say, I guess. Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she

was there. I asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she

hurried in, dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But

I did not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned

to do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to have

to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to calculate

every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she really

caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual confusion

and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just show up at my

house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My stomach is in knots

now wondering where this incident is going to go. I know this is not the end of

it. And I know it'll get construed into something huge and grandiose I'll be

painted the bad guy. Sigh......

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You cannot control where this goes from here, just like you couldn't control her

from showing up on the wrong day. She surely wants you to chase after her and

tell her " Oh, no, everything is ok. " I don't see you did anything wrong: you let

her know that she had showed up contrary to what was agreed upon, but then

politely offered her a meal. Really, what more could be done?

If she makes this all into a mountain, THAT is on her. There is no second,

third, fourth guessing these BPDs. You'll make yourself crazy!

& yes, mine is the same. Last time she came to my home she did not intend to

step inside, but my father did so she felt she had to. She sat at my table,

would not take her coat or sunglasses off. I swear her butt wasn't even half on

the seat while she drank less than a half-cup of coffee before bolting out the

door. Now she tells her friends I made her feel " unwelcome' in my home--lol! The

nerve!

>

> So I have been cautiously answering my mother's texts. Thinking very

carefully about every reply. Because of course now she wants to act like

everything is fine and that she didn't scream at me in front of my children and

publicly chide me for everything I've ever done wrong in my life, EVER. But of

course, now that I know what's going on and know about her BPD, I have a

different lens. And that makes me feel a little better. But today I got a

text. She wanted to come over to drop off a gift for our daughter. It's an

important, expensive gift that she actually needs for her extracurriculars at

school, and I'm really grateful she wanted to buy it. (That was of course in

the works before the blowup, but still....) I told her that would be fine and

invited her to eat with us. Huge for me given all that has gone on. But I was

curious. I wanted her in my home to see her behavior through my new lens so I

can further figure out my boundaries and what I will tolerate. I then later

remembered that this particular daughter would likely go to church tonight and

wouldn't be here. I suggested to my mother that Friday might be a better day.

She agreed and we set it up for then. So you can imagine my surprise when she

showed up at my door as I was fixing the kids plates for dinner. I said to her,

" I thought we swapped days to Friday " . Probably the absolute worst thing I

could say, I guess. Because she took that to mean that I was appalled that she

was there. I asked her if she was hungry, she told me she was not, then she

hurried in, dropped goodies for the kids, and hurried out. It was bizarre. But

I did not chase after her. I didn't do anything other than what I had planned

to do this evening. I had dinner with my family. Later she texted both me and

my husband saying she was " embarrassed " and was " sorry she intruded " .

Seriously?! Nothing I did, short of not chasing after her like I'm sure she

wanted me to, suggested that she was unwelcome. It is pure exhaustion to have

to wonder about her motives all the time. Pure exhaustion to have to calculate

every teeny tiny thing I say to her. I was doing so well. But she really

caught me off guard tonight. I can't be sure if tonight was actual confusion

and miscommunication on both our parts and or she wanted to just show up at my

house to see what I would do. I guess I'll never know. My stomach is in knots

now wondering where this incident is going to go. I know this is not the end of

it. And I know it'll get construed into something huge and grandiose I'll be

painted the bad guy. Sigh......

>