Need Support

[Guest guest]

It's been awhile, but I used to be active in this group. I'm in somewhat of an

ongoing crisis situation. I don't have time to go into all the details bc it's

complex, but I will tell you I am on 3 different lists here: this one, parent

one, and coparent one, because I strongly suspect my 19 yo daughter has BPD, and

then I am forced to coparent my 9 yo daughter with my ex (he has custody) who

has either NPD/BPD or antisocial or some of each.

Nada is terminally ill & in hospital now. Has been for most of past 4

months.....very rapid onset and decline in health. It's been very hard on her.

We don't know how long she has to live. The goal is to have her at home once

she is stabilized. Today, she was transferred to a nursing home temporarily.

She is blaming me for that for reasons that make no sense, and has barred me

from talking to medical personel, all while her paranoia and delsions are

intensifying and memory declining. She is heavilty medicated too. She has said

some very hurtful things to me this last week, so I haven't visited much. I

can't deal with it, if feels abusive and hateful. I want to spend as much time

with her right now bc I don't know how much longer she has, but she's driving me

(and everyone) crazy with her excessive demands (trying to control everyone and

everything still)!!! and expectations. If you don't do exactly what she wants

when she wants it she gets real mean. No, actually, she can just say some ugly

things for no reason at all. Then she acts all nicy nice wehn anyone is aroudn.

I can't take it anymore.

Last week, out of the blue, she told me my life was pretty much " worthless "

since adolescence (I'm 48). I objected and disagreed, but it still hurts that

she things so lowly of me. Sometimes when I see her, she I can tell she's

distrustful of me (paranoid), and I find this strange, since I've been trying to

help and being very loving towards her. It's so easy for her to believe I am

bad and be rejecting and unloving towards me.

I'm just really struggling a lot right now, and thought I should post something.

Lynn

[Guest guest]

Lynn,It's amazing how much our mothers can still make us feel like bad little

girls. They know our most vulnerable buttons and they push. Your first

responsibility is to your own children. Don't let your mom sap your energy or

undermine your confidence. Your girls need a healthy mom. No matter what we do,

we can't heal our moms' wounds. Your time and resources will be better spent on

your health and that of your girls'. You wouldn't go into a room and breathe

noxious fumes, so don't put yourself in the presence of someone who poisons your

sense of self. Your life is not worthless, though I know how a parents'

rejection can make it seem so. Some parents give us the fun house mirror

reflection of ourselves. It isn't real. Give out your own light whenever you can

and know that you are not alone.

~K

Subject: Need Support

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, September 5, 2012, 10:10 PM

 

It's been awhile, but I used to be active in this group. I'm in somewhat

of an ongoing crisis situation. I don't have time to go into all the details bc

it's complex, but I will tell you I am on 3 different lists here: this one,

parent one, and coparent one, because I strongly suspect my 19 yo daughter has

BPD, and then I am forced to coparent my 9 yo daughter with my ex (he has

custody) who has either NPD/BPD or antisocial or some of each.

Nada is terminally ill & in hospital now. Has been for most of past 4

months.....very rapid onset and decline in health. It's been very hard on her.

We don't know how long she has to live. The goal is to have her at home once

she is stabilized. Today, she was transferred to a nursing home temporarily.

She is blaming me for that for reasons that make no sense, and has barred me

from talking to medical personel, all while her paranoia and delsions are

intensifying and memory declining. She is heavilty medicated too. She has said

some very hurtful things to me this last week, so I haven't visited much. I

can't deal with it, if feels abusive and hateful. I want to spend as much time

with her right now bc I don't know how much longer she has, but she's driving me

(and everyone) crazy with her excessive demands (trying to control everyone and

everything still)!!! and expectations. If you don't do exactly what she wants

when she wants it she gets

real mean. No, actually, she can just say some ugly things for no reason at

all. Then she acts all nicy nice wehn anyone is aroudn. I can't take it

anymore.

Last week, out of the blue, she told me my life was pretty much " worthless "

since adolescence (I'm 48). I objected and disagreed, but it still hurts that

she things so lowly of me. Sometimes when I see her, she I can tell she's

distrustful of me (paranoid), and I find this strange, since I've been trying to

help and being very loving towards her. It's so easy for her to believe I am

bad and be rejecting and unloving towards me.

I'm just really struggling a lot right now, and thought I should post something.

Lynn

[Guest guest]

(((((Lynn)))))

My heart goes out to you. My Sister is the one who experienced that kind of

behavior from our nada during the last year or so of nada's life. It turned out

that our nada had developed senile dementia (similar to Alzheimers) and nada's

lifelong bpd tendency toward paranoia and delusional thinking became worse, plus

nada began hallucinating. My nada became so paranoid and delusional that it

triggered her into rages that included being physically violent towards other

people besides Sister and me. Nada became belligerent and physically assaultive

toward the police at one point, which got her taken in for a psychiatric hold

and evaluation, resulting in the dementia diagnosis. This return to violent

behavior, and aiming it at strangers, was a clear sign to Sister and me that

something more than " just bpd " was going on with our nada.

But before nada received her dementia diagnosis, poor Sister had to put up with

increasing frequency and intensity of ugly, false accusations, chronic

fault-finding and criticism, unreasonable demands, pouting, rage and hysterics

from our nada and those behaviors really took a toll on Sister. I think it was

claiming that Sister was trying to hurt her or steal from her, that punched

Sister in the gut and tore her heart out the worst. That is what propelled me

into No Contact, actually. So I did not blame my Sister in the least for

needing to cut all emotional bonds with our nada, so that Sister was able to

function in a professional, humanitarian and objective capacity toward our nada,

accept power of attorney/responsibility for our nada, and see to it that nada

was relocated into a good residential care home with an Alzheimer's wing and

oversee her care there. I personally think my Sister should be nominated for

sainthood. Truly.

I wish I had some really insightful advice to share with you, but only you can

know what will work best in your own situation. Its just very, very sad and

stressful, any way you look at it. Wishing you all the strength and resilience

you need.

-Annie

>

> It's been awhile, but I used to be active in this group. I'm in somewhat of

an ongoing crisis situation. I don't have time to go into all the details bc

it's complex, but I will tell you I am on 3 different lists here: this one,

parent one, and coparent one, because I strongly suspect my 19 yo daughter has

BPD, and then I am forced to coparent my 9 yo daughter with my ex (he has

custody) who has either NPD/BPD or antisocial or some of each.

>

> Nada is terminally ill & in hospital now. Has been for most of past 4

months.....very rapid onset and decline in health. It's been very hard on her.

We don't know how long she has to live. The goal is to have her at home once

she is stabilized. Today, she was transferred to a nursing home temporarily.

She is blaming me for that for reasons that make no sense, and has barred me

from talking to medical personel, all while her paranoia and delsions are

intensifying and memory declining. She is heavilty medicated too. She has said

some very hurtful things to me this last week, so I haven't visited much. I

can't deal with it, if feels abusive and hateful. I want to spend as much time

with her right now bc I don't know how much longer she has, but she's driving me

(and everyone) crazy with her excessive demands (trying to control everyone and

everything still)!!! and expectations. If you don't do exactly what she wants

when she wants it she gets real mean. No, actually, she can just say some ugly

things for no reason at all. Then she acts all nicy nice wehn anyone is aroudn.

I can't take it anymore.

>

> Last week, out of the blue, she told me my life was pretty much " worthless "

since adolescence (I'm 48). I objected and disagreed, but it still hurts that

she things so lowly of me. Sometimes when I see her, she I can tell she's

distrustful of me (paranoid), and I find this strange, since I've been trying to

help and being very loving towards her. It's so easy for her to believe I am

bad and be rejecting and unloving towards me.

>

> I'm just really struggling a lot right now, and thought I should post

something.

>

> Lynn

>

[Guest guest]

What your mother said was wrong and must have hurt. But it sounds like she is

projecting. Sometimes it helps in this case to swap the names. If she says " your

life is worthless " stop and remember that what she means and really feels is " MY

life is worthless. " It is not right for her to say such things to you and you

dont have to stick around to listen to it, but it can help to detach and

remember its never really aboutt you. Dont accept her projections as truth.

>

> It's been awhile, but I used to be active in this group. I'm in somewhat of

an ongoing crisis situation. I don't have time to go into all the details bc

it's complex, but I will tell you I am on 3 different lists here: this one,

parent one, and coparent one, because I strongly suspect my 19 yo daughter has

BPD, and then I am forced to coparent my 9 yo daughter with my ex (he has

custody) who has either NPD/BPD or antisocial or some of each.

>

> Nada is terminally ill & in hospital now. Has been for most of past 4

months.....very rapid onset and decline in health. It's been very hard on her.

We don't know how long she has to live. The goal is to have her at home once

she is stabilized. Today, she was transferred to a nursing home temporarily.

She is blaming me for that for reasons that make no sense, and has barred me

from talking to medical personel, all while her paranoia and delsions are

intensifying and memory declining. She is heavilty medicated too. She has said

some very hurtful things to me this last week, so I haven't visited much. I

can't deal with it, if feels abusive and hateful. I want to spend as much time

with her right now bc I don't know how much longer she has, but she's driving me

(and everyone) crazy with her excessive demands (trying to control everyone and

everything still)!!! and expectations. If you don't do exactly what she wants

when she wants it she gets real mean. No, actually, she can just say some ugly

things for no reason at all. Then she acts all nicy nice wehn anyone is aroudn.

I can't take it anymore.

>

> Last week, out of the blue, she told me my life was pretty much " worthless "

since adolescence (I'm 48). I objected and disagreed, but it still hurts that

she things so lowly of me. Sometimes when I see her, she I can tell she's

distrustful of me (paranoid), and I find this strange, since I've been trying to

help and being very loving towards her. It's so easy for her to believe I am

bad and be rejecting and unloving towards me.

>

> I'm just really struggling a lot right now, and thought I should post

something.

>

> Lynn

>

[Guest guest]

Lynn,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. Only you can

decide how much of her behavior you can stand. If you can't

spend time with someone who is being abusive and hateful,

there's nothing wrong with choosing not to do so. The fact that

she's terminally ill doesn't change that. Telling you that you

are worthless is inexcusable. I'd have walked out at that point.

You've been trying to help her and being loving towards her but

nothing you do is ever likely to be enough to satisfy her.

That's just the way BPD works. The more you give, the more they

think they should have. That's not your fault.

If she acts nice when anyone else is around, perhaps the way

to be able to spend time with her is to make sure someone else

is with you when you visit.

At 01:10 AM 09/06/2012 lynntillie wrote:

>It's been awhile, but I used to be active in this group. I'm

>in somewhat of an ongoing crisis situation. I don't have time

>to go into all the details bc it's complex, but I will tell you

>I am on 3 different lists here: this one, parent one, and

>coparent one, because I strongly suspect my 19 yo daughter has

>BPD, and then I am forced to coparent my 9 yo daughter with my

>ex (he has custody) who has either NPD/BPD or antisocial or

>some of each.

>

>Nada is terminally ill & in hospital now. Has been for most of

>past 4 months.....very rapid onset and decline in health. It's

>been very hard on her. We don't know how long she has to

>live. The goal is to have her at home once she is

>stabilized. Today, she was transferred to a nursing home

>temporarily. She is blaming me for that for reasons that make

>no sense, and has barred me from talking to medical personel,

>all while her paranoia and delsions are intensifying and memory

>declining. She is heavilty medicated too. She has said some

>very hurtful things to me this last week, so I haven't visited

>much. I can't deal with it, if feels abusive and hateful. I

>want to spend as much time with her right now bc I don't know

>how much longer she has, but she's driving me (and everyone)

>crazy with her excessive demands (trying to control everyone

>and everything still)!!! and expectations. If you don't do

>exactly what she wants when she wants it she gets real

>mean. No, actually, she can just say some ugly things for no

>reason at all. Then she acts all nicy nice wehn anyone is

>aroudn. I can't take it anymore.

>

>Last week, out of the blue, she told me my life was pretty much

> " worthless " since adolescence (I'm 48). I objected and

>disagreed, but it still hurts that she things so lowly of

>me. Sometimes when I see her, she I can tell she's distrustful

>of me (paranoid), and I find this strange, since I've been

>trying to help and being very loving towards her. It's so easy

>for her to believe I am bad and be rejecting and unloving

>towards me.

>

>I'm just really struggling a lot right now, and thought I

>should post something.

>

>Lynn

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

(((Lynn))) I'm so sorry for the emotional pounding you're taking from nada.

You're very compassionate to be there for her, despite the abuse she is heaping

on you.

I know how much it hurts to hear what she's saying but for what it's worth,

imagine she is a toddler or a bratty child, just saying things to get a

reaction. Because, basically, she is!

You've been so good to her, Lynn. Please be good to you, too. You mentioned you

haven't been visiting as much: I think that's a good idea. Maybe you can just go

when the dr needs you there?

Her paranoia -- maybe that's from meds? Maybe not. My nada definitely has this

and she's not on anything. Anyway, this really stood out to me, b/c it's

something I have felt often with nada, a sense of injustice that I'm just trying

to be a good listener or a good daughter and my reward has been [fill in the

blank]. But she's not able to give me whatever normalcy I am expecting ( a

thank you, a hug). It's not going to happen. I think it's the same with your

nada.

Again, I'm so sorry for all you're going through with her. The hospitalization

and her terminal illness, I'm sure, don't help. I hope you can see someone (a

therapist, etc) who can be there for you and help you get through this. We're

here for you, too, any time you need to vent.

Fiona

>

> It's been awhile, but I used to be active in this group. I'm in somewhat of

an ongoing crisis situation. I don't have time to go into all the details bc

it's complex, but I will tell you I am on 3 different lists here: this one,

parent one, and coparent one, because I strongly suspect my 19 yo daughter has

BPD, and then I am forced to coparent my 9 yo daughter with my ex (he has

custody) who has either NPD/BPD or antisocial or some of each.

>

> Nada is terminally ill & in hospital now. Has been for most of past 4

months.....very rapid onset and decline in health. It's been very hard on her.

We don't know how long she has to live. The goal is to have her at home once

she is stabilized. Today, she was transferred to a nursing home temporarily.

She is blaming me for that for reasons that make no sense, and has barred me

from talking to medical personel, all while her paranoia and delsions are

intensifying and memory declining. She is heavilty medicated too. She has said

some very hurtful things to me this last week, so I haven't visited much. I

can't deal with it, if feels abusive and hateful. I want to spend as much time

with her right now bc I don't know how much longer she has, but she's driving me

(and everyone) crazy with her excessive demands (trying to control everyone and

everything still)!!! and expectations. If you don't do exactly what she wants

when she wants it she gets real mean. No, actually, she can just say some ugly

things for no reason at all. Then she acts all nicy nice wehn anyone is aroudn.

I can't take it anymore.

>

> Last week, out of the blue, she told me my life was pretty much " worthless "

since adolescence (I'm 48). I objected and disagreed, but it still hurts that

she things so lowly of me. Sometimes when I see her, she I can tell she's

distrustful of me (paranoid), and I find this strange, since I've been trying to

help and being very loving towards her. It's so easy for her to believe I am

bad and be rejecting and unloving towards me.

>

> I'm just really struggling a lot right now, and thought I should post

something.

>

> Lynn

>

[Guest guest]

You poor dear, she's not making it very easy to remember her in a kind way.

You need to remember this attitude of hers is ALL ABOUT HER, it is not about

you. She will probably get more hateful as she goes through this process: you

are the closest one for her to dump all her fear and anger on. I am sorry

< >

I can picture you do want to share what little time you have left with her

having pleasant (if not meaningful) time together. But she probably cannot go

this way. So you will have to get YOUR needs met another way--journaling,

talking with a support group, sharing here.

I don't know why we expect the BPD will ever meet our needs--we are every

hopeful--but they never, ever do.

>

> It's been awhile, but I used to be active in this group. I'm in somewhat of

an ongoing crisis situation. I don't have time to go into all the details bc

it's complex, but I will tell you I am on 3 different lists here: this one,

parent one, and coparent one, because I strongly suspect my 19 yo daughter has

BPD, and then I am forced to coparent my 9 yo daughter with my ex (he has

custody) who has either NPD/BPD or antisocial or some of each.

>

> Nada is terminally ill & in hospital now. Has been for most of past 4

months.....very rapid onset and decline in health. It's been very hard on her.

We don't know how long she has to live. The goal is to have her at home once

she is stabilized. Today, she was transferred to a nursing home temporarily.

She is blaming me for that for reasons that make no sense, and has barred me

from talking to medical personel, all while her paranoia and delsions are

intensifying and memory declining. She is heavilty medicated too. She has said

some very hurtful things to me this last week, so I haven't visited much. I

can't deal with it, if feels abusive and hateful. I want to spend as much time

with her right now bc I don't know how much longer she has, but she's driving me

(and everyone) crazy with her excessive demands (trying to control everyone and

everything still)!!! and expectations. If you don't do exactly what she wants

when she wants it she gets real mean. No, actually, she can just say some ugly

things for no reason at all. Then she acts all nicy nice wehn anyone is aroudn.

I can't take it anymore.

>

> Last week, out of the blue, she told me my life was pretty much " worthless "

since adolescence (I'm 48). I objected and disagreed, but it still hurts that

she things so lowly of me. Sometimes when I see her, she I can tell she's

distrustful of me (paranoid), and I find this strange, since I've been trying to

help and being very loving towards her. It's so easy for her to believe I am

bad and be rejecting and unloving towards me.

>

> I'm just really struggling a lot right now, and thought I should post

something.

>

> Lynn

>