BPD parent liking it when children are sad?

[Guest guest]

First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more about BPD.

 

I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you experienced your

BPD parent insisting that you're sad? 

 

For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And she will

say, " Are you okay? "  I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you sure? " or " I can

tell something's wrong. "

 

Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever she

called for.

 

When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could tell I was

sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it bottled up inside.

Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

 

When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some current

event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to talk about it

and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

[Guest guest]

One of the things they tend to do is project their own feelings

onto other people. She may be insisting that you're sad because

she feels sad herself. They don't have good separation between

themselves and others so they tend to think everyone should and

does feel the same way.

At 10:24 PM 09/08/2012 Sommer wrote:

>First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning

>more about BPD.

>

>I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you

>experienced your BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

>

>For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical,

> " hello? " And she will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I

>am. She'll say, " Are you sure? " or " I can tell something's

>wrong. "

>

>Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with

>whatever she called for.

>

>When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she

>could tell I was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and

>to not keep it bottled up inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so

>frustrating.

>

>When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude

>person, some current event, or I had the flu, it's like she

>just loves it. She loves to talk about it and will often say

>how good it was to talk to me later.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

My bpd mother always thinks something is wrong!! She to can just " tell " that

something is " wrong " !! Lol.. if you don't go in to details about whatever it is,

why it is and verify that she was correct... Even if nothings wrong she gets all

pissed off and goes off in a rant that she knows and I never share anything with

her!! Tell me I have mood swing and talk disrespectful her... So on & so on.

Sent from my iPhone

> First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more about

BPD.

>

> I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you experienced your

BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

>

> For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And she

will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you sure? " or

" I can tell something's wrong. "

>

> Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever she

called for.

>

> When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could tell I

was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it bottled up

inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

>

> When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some current

event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to talk about it

and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I was little. Sometimes I would get spanked or

grounded for not telling her what was " bothering " me because she thought I was

lying to her. I think it's classic projection.

My Nada is always over interested in anything negative happening too. I stopped

telling her about bad things even before I knew about BPD because she would get

this look of rapt attention on her face like it was the most fascinating thing

she'd ever heard. It weirded me out.

> First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more about

BPD.

>

> I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you experienced your

BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

>

> For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And she

will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you sure? " or

" I can tell something's wrong. "

>

> Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever she

called for.

>

> When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could tell I

was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it bottled up

inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

>

> When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some current

event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to talk about it

and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, in fact, my Nada does not like when I am too happy or when nothing

is wrong with me because she will then call me back and leave me a message

saying. " You think everything is just honky dory and nothing is wrong, well

there is plenty wrong and all you care about is yourself...etc. etc. "

She will then say a bunch of stuff she thinks is wrong with me or my life

and make me miserable or sad. It is just crazy.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

My MIL does this too. It's awful. Any guesses what drives this behavior?

> **

>

>

> Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I was little. Sometimes I would get

> spanked or grounded for not telling her what was " bothering " me because she

> thought I was lying to her. I think it's classic projection.

>

> My Nada is always over interested in anything negative happening too. I

> stopped telling her about bad things even before I knew about BPD because

> she would get this look of rapt attention on her face like it was the most

> fascinating thing she'd ever heard. It weirded me out.

>

> On Sep 8, 2012, at 10:24 PM, Sommer gunnysacked@...>

> wrote:

>

> > First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more

> about BPD.

> >

> > I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you

> experienced your BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

> >

> > For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And

> she will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you

> sure? " or " I can tell something's wrong. "

> >

> > Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever

> she called for.

> >

> > When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could

> tell I was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it

> bottled up inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

> >

> > When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some

> current event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to

> talk about it and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Besides the projection thing, I think some of their interest in

negative happenings derives from their desire to spread their

misery. If they feel miserable, others shouldn't feel happy so

they feel some sense of enjoyment out of hearing about things

that make others feel bad. It has always seemed to me that my

nada is jealous of my happiness and sometimes it seems like she

feels better if she thinks I'm not happy.

At 10:34 AM 09/09/2012 Millicent Kunstler wrote:

>My MIL does this too. It's awful. Any guesses what drives this

>behavior?

>

>On Sun, Sep 9, 2012 at 4:20 AM, Sunehri S sunehri71@...>

>wrote:

>

> > Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I was little. Sometimes I

> would get

> > spanked or grounded for not telling her what was " bothering "

> me because she

> > thought I was lying to her. I think it's classic projection.

> >

> > My Nada is always over interested in anything negative

> happening too. I

> > stopped telling her about bad things even before I knew

> about BPD because

> > she would get this look of rapt attention on her face like

> it was the most

> > fascinating thing she'd ever heard. It weirded me out.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

That is how my nada behaved. My younger Sister and I would be accused of

hiding bad deeds or even bad thoughts from our nada, and accused of lying to her

if we denied it and would trigger into a screaming rage, and attempt to force

confessions out of us. Our nada convicted us without trial, based on her own

inner projections. That sort of thing happening once is bad enough, but this

happened to Sister or me rather often. It made us physically afraid of our own

mother; Sister still has chunks of amnesia RE her childhood, and I just now in

middle age am getting back more ability to feel my emotions.

My memories are pretty much intact, but I lost my ability to feel. I would

become a " robot-zombie " to endure the abuse.

-Annie

>

> Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I was little. Sometimes I would get spanked or

grounded for not telling her what was " bothering " me because she thought I was

lying to her. I think it's classic projection.

>

> My Nada is always over interested in anything negative happening too. I

stopped telling her about bad things even before I knew about BPD because she

would get this look of rapt attention on her face like it was the most

fascinating thing she'd ever heard. It weirded me out.

[Guest guest]

I agree; I learned that it was better to not be too happy, not show my joy too

openly or I'd get taken down a peg by my nada. Interesting; I hadn't thought of

that in a long time.

I'm betting that its more of a narcissistic pd trait; npd jealousy/envy over

others having something the pd person doesn't have.

-Annie

> >

> > > Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I was little. Sometimes I

> > would get

> > > spanked or grounded for not telling her what was " bothering "

> > me because she

> > > thought I was lying to her. I think it's classic projection.

> > >

> > > My Nada is always over interested in anything negative

> > happening too. I

> > > stopped telling her about bad things even before I knew

> > about BPD because

> > > she would get this look of rapt attention on her face like

> > it was the most

> > > fascinating thing she'd ever heard. It weirded me out.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Yep, yes and absolutely, haha. She also would call in a terrible panic with

" vibes " that something was wrong and then insist I wasn't telling her.

Projection of her own inner anxiety is the most likely reason I suppose.

Em

On Sep 9, 2012, at 3:16 AM, D'Ambrogia ilovemytoesinthesand@...>

wrote:

> My bpd mother always thinks something is wrong!! She to can just " tell " that

something is " wrong " !! Lol.. if you don't go in to details about whatever it is,

why it is and verify that she was correct... Even if nothings wrong she gets all

pissed off and goes off in a rant that she knows and I never share anything with

her!! Tell me I have mood swing and talk disrespectful her... So on & so on.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Another possible cause and all--this could be your nada's unique

projection 'theme'. I have come to a theory that borderlines have one or two

things they are desperate to 'project' onto the scapegoat child. (And

narcissists have one or two theme-things that they want to steal, from not just

their children but everyone). My nada was terrified of the

helplessness/ridiculousness in herself, and also of her perceived lack of

desirability to men. Since she was a Catholic housewife several years ago,

these two were related. But instead of feeling these things, she projected it

relentlessly onto me, accusing me of thinking I was ugly or having low

self-esteem. Constantly. And engaging in other aspects of relentlessly,

constantly, trying to make me into these two things, so that she would not have

to be them. My split-good sister got relentless projection of those two themes

in the opposite, and ended up being known as a great beauty. Being painted as

helpless and undesirable was one thing--but having to see, at the same time, my

sister painted as the opposite--that, to me, was much MORE painful, in fact it

was most likely the most painful experience of my childhood.

So. If your hada is scared of being depressed, or views it as some kind of

stigma, it could be that at play.

--Charlotte

>

> First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more about

BPD.

>  

> I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you experienced your

BPD parent insisting that you're sad? 

>  

> For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And she

will say, " Are you okay? "  I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you sure? " or

" I can tell something's wrong. "

>  

> Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever she

called for.

>  

> When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could tell I

was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it bottled up

inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

>  

> When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some current

event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to talk about it

and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

>

>

[Guest guest]

So interesting! I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts. So weird these

people all play this same game.

On Sun, Sep 9, 2012 at 4:31 PM, charlottehoneychurch <

charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Another possible cause and all--this could be your nada's unique

> projection 'theme'. I have come to a theory that borderlines have one or

> two things they are desperate to 'project' onto the sca enpegoat child.

> (And narcissists have one or two theme-things that they want to steal, from

> not just their children but everyone). My nada was terrified of the

> helplessness/ridiculousness in herself, and also of her perceived lack of

> desirability to men. Since she was a Catholic housewife several years ago,

> these two were related. But instead of feeling these things, she projected

> it relentlessly onto me, accusing me of thinking I was ugly or having low

> self-esteem. Constantly. And engaging in other aspects of relentlessly,

> constantly, trying to make me into these two things, so that she would not

> have to be them. My split-good sister got relentless projection of those

> two themes in the opposite, and ended up being known as a great beauty.

> Being painted as helpless and undesirable was one thing--but having to see,

> at the same time, my sister painted as the opposite--that, to me, was much

> MORE painful, in fact it was most likely the most painful experience of my

> childhood.

>

> So. If your hada is scared of being depressed, or views it as some kind of

> stigma, it could be that at play.

>

> --Charlotte

>

>

> >

> > First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more

> about BPD.

> >

> > I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you

> experienced your BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

> >

> > For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And

> she will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you

> sure? " or " I can tell something's wrong. "

> >

> > Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever

> she called for.

> >

> > When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could

> tell I was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it

> bottled up inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

> >

> > When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some

> current event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to

> talk about it and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks Millicent. I am doing some deep work on the Complex PTSD issues today.

I really think that the ongoing trauma experienced by children of BPDs, even

high-functioning ones, cannot be underestimated. Whenever I forget that I'm

going to be 'triggered', that I have a tendency towards escapism for it, and

that I have an Inner Critic, I tend to get into a whole world of trouble.

> > >

> > > First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more

> > about BPD.

> > >

> > > I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you

> > experienced your BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

> > >

> > > For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And

> > she will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you

> > sure? " or " I can tell something's wrong. "

> > >

> > > Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever

> > she called for.

> > >

> > > When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could

> > tell I was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it

> > bottled up inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

> > >

> > > When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some

> > current event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to

> > talk about it and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I've been struggling with my inner critic. Now that I have no bpd in my

life, I realize I have one in my head abusing me. Maybe that's why I

tolerated so many bpds, because it jived with my inner critic.

On Sun, Sep 9, 2012 at 4:49 PM, charlottehoneychurch <

charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Thanks Millicent. I am doing some deep work on the Complex PTSD issues

> today. I really think that the ongoing trauma experienced by children of

> BPDs, even high-functioning ones, cannot be underestimated. Whenever I

> forget that I'm going to be 'triggered', that I have a tendency towards

> escapism for it, and that I have an Inner Critic, I tend to get into a

> whole world of trouble.

>

>

> > > >

> > > > First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more

> > > about BPD.

> > > >

> > > > I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you

> > > experienced your BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

> > > >

> > > > For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? "

> And

> > > she will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are

> you

> > > sure? " or " I can tell something's wrong. "

> > > >

> > > > Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with

> whatever

> > > she called for.

> > > >

> > > > When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could

> > > tell I was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it

> > > bottled up inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

> > > >

> > > > When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some

> > > current event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She

> loves to

> > > talk about it and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

It took me a LONG time to silence (or at least muffle) the inner critic: my

nada's negative regard for me born of her need to be " perfect " and her need to

punish me for not being " perfect " , that I'd internalized. Even in nada's

absence I'd obligingly beat myself up verbally for her: good, dutiful, enmeshed

daughter that I was. I'd hear nada's voice calling me clumsy and stupid if I

spilled something, for example. (Which when I was small, was usually accompanied

by a physical attack: a slap, hit or shake.) Messiness and disorder were huge

triggers for my nada, who also had several traits of obsessive-compulsive

*personality* disorder (which is, oddly, not the same thing as

obsessive-compulsive disorder.)

So, gradually, over time, I started " re-recording " over those nada-tapes. If I

spill stuff now (because, actually, I am rather clumsy!) I say to myself

something like " WOW!! THAT was a big one! Well, no problem, that can be cleaned

up in 5 seconds. There! No big deal. I needed to clean that floor anyway... "

etc. Sometimes I'll still hear nada's " Stupid, clumsy idiot...! " first, but

then I just " re-record " on top of it.

The result is that the inappropriately harsh criticisms happen much less often

now.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more

> > > > about BPD.

> > > > >

> > > > > I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you

> > > > experienced your BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

> > > > >

> > > > > For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? "

> > And

> > > > she will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are

> > you

> > > > sure? " or " I can tell something's wrong. "

> > > > >

> > > > > Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with

> > whatever

> > > > she called for.

> > > > >

> > > > > When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could

> > > > tell I was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it

> > > > bottled up inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

> > > > >

> > > > > When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some

> > > > current event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She

> > loves to

> > > > talk about it and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

My nada would freak out and think I was mad at her if I didn't answer the

phone all " cheery " . If I was stressed, having a bad day or dealing with my

children she would expect me to answer friendly with her or she would be

upset with me and accuse me not treating her right. . . she didn't seem to

care what my other issues were, only that I wasn't treating her the way she

expected me to. But she is BPDand NPD. . .

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Sunehri S

Sent: Sunday, September 09, 2012 2:20 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: BPD parent liking it when children are sad?

Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I was little. Sometimes I would get spanked

or grounded for not telling her what was " bothering " me because she thought

I was lying to her. I think it's classic projection.

My Nada is always over interested in anything negative happening too. I

stopped telling her about bad things even before I knew about BPD because

she would get this look of rapt attention on her face like it was the most

fascinating thing she'd ever heard. It weirded me out.

On Sep 8, 2012, at 10:24 PM, Sommer gunnysacked@...

> wrote:

> First off, thank you for answering my questions as I'm learning more about

BPD.

>

> I haven't come across this in my reading yet. Have any of you experienced

your BPD parent insisting that you're sad?

>

> For example, I will often answer the phone with a typical, " hello? " And

she will say, " Are you okay? " I will say that I am. She'll say, " Are you

sure? " or " I can tell something's wrong. "

>

> Now that I'm an adult, it usually ends, and we can go on with whatever she

called for.

>

> When I was a child, she would go on and on telling me that she could tell

I was sad and to tell her what was bothering me and to not keep it bottled

up inside. Oh, my goodness, it was so frustrating.

>

> When we share something bad that did happen, like a rude person, some

current event, or I had the flu, it's like she just loves it. She loves to

talk about it and will often say how good it was to talk to me later.

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's just mean, Tracey. . .

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Tracey

Sent: Sunday, September 09, 2012 7:03 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: BPD parent liking it when children are sad?

Oh yes, in fact, my Nada does not like when I am too happy or when nothing

is wrong with me because she will then call me back and leave me a message

saying. " You think everything is just honky dory and nothing is wrong, well

there is plenty wrong and all you care about is yourself...etc. etc. "

She will then say a bunch of stuff she thinks is wrong with me or my life

and make me miserable or sad. It is just crazy.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Wow, Annie, I have always felt weird that I seriously lack emotions (except

fear and the pain) and never connected it to my nada's behaviors to me.

That makes a lot of sense because I was never allowed to express emotion. .

.. I too have chunks of my childhood I just can't remember at all. . . . nice

- more to work out in therapy!!

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

Sent: Sunday, September 09, 2012 9:17 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: BPD parent liking it when children are sad?

That is how my nada behaved. My younger Sister and I would be accused of

hiding bad deeds or even bad thoughts from our nada, and accused of lying to

her if we denied it and would trigger into a screaming rage, and attempt to

force confessions out of us. Our nada convicted us without trial, based on

her own inner projections. That sort of thing happening once is bad enough,

but this happened to Sister or me rather often. It made us physically afraid

of our own mother; Sister still has chunks of amnesia RE her childhood, and

I just now in middle age am getting back more ability to feel my emotions.

My memories are pretty much intact, but I lost my ability to feel. I would

become a " robot-zombie " to endure the abuse.

-Annie

>

> Oh my gosh YES. Especially when I was little. Sometimes I would get

spanked or grounded for not telling her what was " bothering " me because she

thought I was lying to her. I think it's classic projection.

>

> My Nada is always over interested in anything negative happening too. I

stopped telling her about bad things even before I knew about BPD because

she would get this look of rapt attention on her face like it was the most

fascinating thing she'd ever heard. It weirded me out.

[Guest guest]

I agree . It is very mean. Sometimes I wonder if my NADA has some

other issues because she can be so mean but it is probably the alcohol

contributing to the meanness and verbal abuse.

Tracey