Guest guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2012 Report Share Posted September 9, 2012 I just want to wrap you in my arms and give you a hug. I don't think you can save your mom. And going there to be with her will only mean taking her abuse int opinion. Go see her if you can afford to but only if you can continue your classes. The rest of your life is going to be waking up with yourself. Help yourself first do that you have the ability to help others later. Teri Birdsall On Sep 7, 2012, at 12:17 AM, " laura.halloran@... " laura.halloran@...> wrote: > Hi Everyone, > > My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an > ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. > > Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) > > Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. > > During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. > > I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. > > And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... > > So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. > > I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). > > Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. > > So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. > > I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. > > EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! > > I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... > > And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. > > Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. > > -L > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 I agree with Teri--you need to focus on your own problems right now, your life. Your nada has lived hers, she's made her own bed. She already has one child sacrificing at her altar-- Just say TO HELL with the guilt. The social worker's can take a flying leap, all they see is the pathetic old lady with no idea what your life has been like. Visit if you can afford to when you have time off from school. Otherwise, save yourself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess  Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 Thanks, Jill! Yes, I do need to separate everything.  And the social workers do not see my side.  But one of them may be forced to - If nada " jokingly " hits him in the " nuts " again with her cane! (Really!) The thing is that I am my brother's guardian.  And he is mentally handicapped.  It really tears me apart that he is taking care of her and " sacrificing " his independence. Also, what really frightens me is that I feel so trapped - b/c if I sell this condo and move elsewhere - I will be disinherited.  But I really want out of here.  And I really want a new life. I'm going to a therapist on Thursday.  And I find that everyone at the church I go to is giving me a tremendous amount of loving support.  It's a gift.  I just can't go back there.  And nada is not doing any better.  She will phone the doctor today b/c she finished her meds. They think it's a hairline spinal fracture. And she will most likely have to go to the ER / hospital for an MRI. And then if she has to stay overnight, my brother will stay in a respite home.  It's just too much stuff.  If my DH were still alive, there would be a barrier. Once I managed to go NC for two whole years after she tried to turn my DH against me during our visit and we left.  She phoned me on her 70th BD b/c I did not send her a card. I do appreciate everything you wrote! All so true! -L ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:07 AM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess  So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess  Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hi Teri, Thanks for the big hug!  I really needed that! -L ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, September 9, 2012 5:16 PM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess  I just want to wrap you in my arms and give you a hug. I don't think you can save your mom. And going there to be with her will only mean taking her abuse int opinion. Go see her if you can afford to but only if you can continue your classes. The rest of your life is going to be waking up with yourself. Help yourself first do that you have the ability to help others later. Teri Birdsall On Sep 7, 2012, at 12:17 AM, " laura.halloran@... " laura.halloran@...> wrote: > Hi Everyone, > > My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an > ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. > > Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) > > Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. > > During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. > > I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. > > And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... > > So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. > > I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). > > Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. > > So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. > > I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. > > EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! > > I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... > > And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. > > Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. > > -L > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hi Echobabe! Thanks for your support.  Yes, she has created this.  And it kills me that she has my mentally handicapped brother sacrificing himself for her.  I will have to save myself! Hugs to you and everyone! -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 1:09 AM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess  I agree with Teri--you need to focus on your own problems right now, your life. Your nada has lived hers, she's made her own bed. She already has one child sacrificing at her altar-- Just say TO HELL with the guilt. The social worker's can take a flying leap, all they see is the pathetic old lady with no idea what your life has been like. Visit if you can afford to when you have time off from school. Otherwise, save yourself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 , why can't you go back to your church?? If they are giving you loving support it sounds like a wonderful place to be. . . jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Halloran Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:28 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess Thanks, Jill! Yes, I do need to separate everything. And the social workers do not see my side. But one of them may be forced to - If nada " jokingly " hits him in the " nuts " again with her cane! (Really!) The thing is that I am my brother's guardian. And he is mentally handicapped. It really tears me apart that he is taking care of her and " sacrificing " his independence. Also, what really frightens me is that I feel so trapped - b/c if I sell this condo and move elsewhere - I will be disinherited. But I really want out of here. And I really want a new life. I'm going to a therapist on Thursday. And I find that everyone at the church I go to is giving me a tremendous amount of loving support. It's a gift. I just can't go back there. And nada is not doing any better. She will phone the doctor today b/c she finished her meds. They think it's a hairline spinal fracture. And she will most likely have to go to the ER / hospital for an MRI. And then if she has to stay overnight, my brother will stay in a respite home. It's just too much stuff. If my DH were still alive, there would be a barrier. Once I managed to go NC for two whole years after she tried to turn my DH against me during our visit and we left. She phoned me on her 70th BD b/c I did not send her a card. I do appreciate everything you wrote! All so true! -L ________________________________ From: Jill Nicely crochetgurl1102@... > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:07 AM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ From: " laura.halloran@... " laura.halloran@... > To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hi , I go church two to three times a week. They are helping tremendously. I'm just scared about " survival. " As a child of two bpds, I've never been financially successful in the outer world, b/c I never believed in myself - although my DH did. He supported me financially. And now I'm trying to " establish " myself - somewhat late in life. And I still have the programming in my brain of: " Do this or I will kill myself " (nada thinking) Only now, the programming is even stronger b/c it's " Do this b/c I am really old and sick and possibly near death. " - coupled with the programming of being disowned (which she had done repeatedly) and ...... disinherited. I did make it to school today (YEAH) I'm actually in the computer lab.... Let's see if I actually get my final done lol. Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:07 AM Subject: RE: Everything Is a Mess  , why can't you go back to your church?? If they are giving you loving support it sounds like a wonderful place to be. . . mailto:jwjrenslow%40sbcglobal.net _____ From: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com [mailto:mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Halloran Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:28 AM To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess Thanks, Jill! Yes, I do need to separate everything. And the social workers do not see my side. But one of them may be forced to - If nada " jokingly " hits him in the " nuts " again with her cane! (Really!) The thing is that I am my brother's guardian. And he is mentally handicapped. It really tears me apart that he is taking care of her and " sacrificing " his independence. Also, what really frightens me is that I feel so trapped - b/c if I sell this condo and move elsewhere - I will be disinherited. But I really want out of here. And I really want a new life. I'm going to a therapist on Thursday. And I find that everyone at the church I go to is giving me a tremendous amount of loving support. It's a gift. I just can't go back there. And nada is not doing any better. She will phone the doctor today b/c she finished her meds. They think it's a hairline spinal fracture. And she will most likely have to go to the ER / hospital for an MRI. And then if she has to stay overnight, my brother will stay in a respite home. It's just too much stuff. If my DH were still alive, there would be a barrier. Once I managed to go NC for two whole years after she tried to turn my DH against me during our visit and we left. She phoned me on her 70th BD b/c I did not send her a card. I do appreciate everything you wrote! All so true! -L ________________________________ From: Jill Nicely > To: " mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com " > Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:07 AM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ From: " mailto:laura.halloran%40ymail.com " > To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 Oh, okay - you can't go back to your nada - not church. . . it was in the same paragraph so I misunderstood. I think it would be extremely detrimental to your health if you go back to where she is. You have a lot of healing and progress to make on your own life before you can go back there. I am so sorry to hear that you had to deal with that much pain and stress from your FOO and then to have to lose your DH. I'll be praying for you!! jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Laraine Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 12:06 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess Hi , I go church two to three times a week. They are helping tremendously. I'm just scared about " survival. " As a child of two bpds, I've never been financially successful in the outer world, b/c I never believed in myself - although my DH did. He supported me financially. And now I'm trying to " establish " myself - somewhat late in life. And I still have the programming in my brain of: " Do this or I will kill myself " (nada thinking) Only now, the programming is even stronger b/c it's " Do this b/c I am really old and sick and possibly near death. " - coupled with the programming of being disowned (which she had done repeatedly) and ...... disinherited. I did make it to school today (YEAH) I'm actually in the computer lab.... Let's see if I actually get my final done lol. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: Renslow jwjrenslow@... > To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:07 AM Subject: RE: Everything Is a Mess , why can't you go back to your church?? If they are giving you loving support it sounds like a wonderful place to be. . . mailto:jwjrenslow%40sbcglobal.net _____ From: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com [mailto:mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Halloran Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:28 AM To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess Thanks, Jill! Yes, I do need to separate everything. And the social workers do not see my side. But one of them may be forced to - If nada " jokingly " hits him in the " nuts " again with her cane! (Really!) The thing is that I am my brother's guardian. And he is mentally handicapped. It really tears me apart that he is taking care of her and " sacrificing " his independence. Also, what really frightens me is that I feel so trapped - b/c if I sell this condo and move elsewhere - I will be disinherited. But I really want out of here. And I really want a new life. I'm going to a therapist on Thursday. And I find that everyone at the church I go to is giving me a tremendous amount of loving support. It's a gift. I just can't go back there. And nada is not doing any better. She will phone the doctor today b/c she finished her meds. They think it's a hairline spinal fracture. And she will most likely have to go to the ER / hospital for an MRI. And then if she has to stay overnight, my brother will stay in a respite home. It's just too much stuff. If my DH were still alive, there would be a barrier. Once I managed to go NC for two whole years after she tried to turn my DH against me during our visit and we left. She phoned me on her 70th BD b/c I did not send her a card. I do appreciate everything you wrote! All so true! -L ________________________________ From: Jill Nicely > To: " mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com " > Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:07 AM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ From: " mailto:laura.halloran%40ymail.com " > To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 Thanks, ! I love being prayer for ! -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 11:23 AM Subject: RE: Everything Is a Mess  Oh, okay - you can't go back to your nada - not church. . . it was in the same paragraph so I misunderstood. I think it would be extremely detrimental to your health if you go back to where she is. You have a lot of healing and progress to make on your own life before you can go back there. I am so sorry to hear that you had to deal with that much pain and stress from your FOO and then to have to lose your DH. I'll be praying for you!! mailto:jwjrenslow%40sbcglobal.net _____ From: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com [mailto:mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Laraine Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 12:06 PM To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess Hi , I go church two to three times a week. They are helping tremendously. I'm just scared about " survival. " As a child of two bpds, I've never been financially successful in the outer world, b/c I never believed in myself - although my DH did. He supported me financially. And now I'm trying to " establish " myself - somewhat late in life. And I still have the programming in my brain of: " Do this or I will kill myself " (nada thinking) Only now, the programming is even stronger b/c it's " Do this b/c I am really old and sick and possibly near death. " - coupled with the programming of being disowned (which she had done repeatedly) and ...... disinherited. I did make it to school today (YEAH) I'm actually in the computer lab.... Let's see if I actually get my final done lol. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: Renslow > To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:07 AM Subject: RE: Everything Is a Mess , why can't you go back to your church?? If they are giving you loving support it sounds like a wonderful place to be. . . mailto:jwjrenslow%40sbcglobal.net _____ From: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com [mailto:mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Halloran Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 10:28 AM To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess Thanks, Jill! Yes, I do need to separate everything. And the social workers do not see my side. But one of them may be forced to - If nada " jokingly " hits him in the " nuts " again with her cane! (Really!) The thing is that I am my brother's guardian. And he is mentally handicapped. It really tears me apart that he is taking care of her and " sacrificing " his independence. Also, what really frightens me is that I feel so trapped - b/c if I sell this condo and move elsewhere - I will be disinherited. But I really want out of here. And I really want a new life. I'm going to a therapist on Thursday. And I find that everyone at the church I go to is giving me a tremendous amount of loving support. It's a gift. I just can't go back there. And nada is not doing any better. She will phone the doctor today b/c she finished her meds. They think it's a hairline spinal fracture. And she will most likely have to go to the ER / hospital for an MRI. And then if she has to stay overnight, my brother will stay in a respite home. It's just too much stuff. If my DH were still alive, there would be a barrier. Once I managed to go NC for two whole years after she tried to turn my DH against me during our visit and we left. She phoned me on her 70th BD b/c I did not send her a card. I do appreciate everything you wrote! All so true! -L ________________________________ From: Jill Nicely > To: " mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com " > Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:07 AM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ From: " mailto:laura.halloran%40ymail.com " > To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hi : I am sorry for your situation. I did move back to Nada to “help†and screwed my life up royally. I am now fighting for some kind of life and independence thru a THICK veil of Nada FOG. Try to work it out without going back… I am pretty sure you will regret it b/c there is NO PLEASING Nadas. Somehow, someway, you will become the bad guy for laying down your life to help her. I see this over and over on the list and am living it too. My heart is with you and I am sure you will work it out. Hugs From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Jill Nicely Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 11:07 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ From: " laura.halloran@... " laura.halloran@... > To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2012 Report Share Posted September 10, 2012 & right back at you :-) Stay strong! > > Hi Echobabe! > Thanks for your support.  Yes, she has created this.  And it kills me that she has my mentally handicapped brother sacrificing himself for her.  I will have to save myself! > Hugs to you and everyone! > -L > > > ________________________________ > From: echobabe_is_free > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 1:09 AM > Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess > > >  > > > I agree with Teri--you need to focus on your own problems right now, your life. Your nada has lived hers, she's made her own bed. She already has one child sacrificing at her altar-- > > Just say TO HELL with the guilt. The social worker's can take a flying leap, all they see is the pathetic old lady with no idea what your life has been like. Visit if you can afford to when you have time off from school. Otherwise, save yourself! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 11, 2012 Report Share Posted September 11, 2012 Hi , Thanks, ...You are right.  There is no pleasing a nada b/c they split us bad. I hope that you are able to escape - fast! It's always all or nothing and nothing is never good enough! I do feel much better today with everyone's support! -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 6:49 PM Subject: RE: Everything Is a Mess  Hi : I am sorry for your situation. I did move back to Nada to “help†and screwed my life up royally. I am now fighting for some kind of life and independence thru a THICK veil of Nada FOG. Try to work it out without going back… I am pretty sure you will regret it b/c there is NO PLEASING Nadas. Somehow, someway, you will become the bad guy for laying down your life to help her. I see this over and over on the list and am living it too. My heart is with you and I am sure you will work it out. Hugs From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Jill Nicely Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 11:07 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess So sorry to hear about your situation! I found myself in a similar situation (sort of) many years ago, and I chose to give up the life I was trying to build to go home and take care of nada. It was a mistake. I lost a big part of myself and my independence, and I'm still fighting to get it back. In my opinion, you need to separate your challenges from your mother's health problems. If you can no longer afford to live in your house, then sell it. That does not mean you have to move back home. Find another place to live where you are, and hold on to the life you're building. You said you're a full-time student. There should be help for you on campus--people who can help you find a job and help you find a place to live. There may even be therapists who can work with you on your anxiety and help you make life choices from a place of clear-headedness. The social workers who are calling you only see your mother's side of the story, and only the parts she wants them to see. They don't see the whole picture, even if you try to explain it to them on the phone. You're the only one who knows exactly what you've been through. It's not your job to rescue her, no matter what nada or her flying monkeys tell you. It's your job to rescue YOU. Don't let them FOG you. Your dreams and your plans are important. You matter. ________________________________ From: " laura.halloran@... " laura.halloran@... > To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, September 7, 2012 12:17 AM Subject: Everything Is a Mess Hi Everyone, My nada is not doing well. She is elderly, has osteoporosis and sciatica and is now bedridden. Last week she said that she needed an ambulance to get out of bed. My brother is disabled and lives with her. He works at a sheltered workshop. And he has social workers helping him and taking him out for fun. Nada told me that she wanted me to quit school (have a grant), sell my condo and come " home " with a one-way ticket. And she wants this done by the end of the year. (previously posted all this stuff...) Nada is taking lots of meds. And she does not appear to be getting better. The doctor thinks that she may have a hairline fracture on the spine. And she needs to get an MRI as soon as she finishes taking her meds. She may wind up in the hospital or a nursing home. During all this, my brother is not going to work b/c nada " Needs him " to take care of her. I called his social workers last week. And they visited nada. At first, I was not going to tell her that they were coming b/c she would get really mad. And that scares me. But my family attorney advised me to tell her. So I did. She acted okay when they were around. I received a phone call after the visit from one of the social workers who told me that " I was not there. " As if I should have been there. And then a few days later, I heard from one of the other social workers who told me that nada is really not doing well....And that she really wants me to come down...And that I really should come down and stay for a few months..... So, I spilled the beans and told him all about nada and bpd (which I told the other social worker on the phone when I called before they went to visit her). So, now I have the guilt trip from the social worker. And I feel really sick. I've been trying so hard to put my life back together after the tragic and sudden death of my husband several years ago. And the thought of going back there to live literally means that my life is over. This is b/c my nada would want me to " sacrifice my life " for her. If things were " normal " I would want to be with my mother. And I really needed a physical mother after my husband died. But she did not come to the funeral b/c it was so far away. But she became more of a " mother " to me b/c I developed a " loving " phone relationship with her over the years. She would never want me to come to visit over the holidays, etc, b/c she would always say " come down when you get a one-way ticket. " So visiting nada means sacrificing my life. I haven't seen her in 14 years since she tried to turn my husband against me when we visited (and then left). Things are really crashing in on me right now b/c my grant is supported by the state work force board and I am allowed to collect unemployment while in approved training. And now the state is discontinuing continued benefits. And my first claim ends in a few weeks. So....now I am unemployed, possibly without unemployment benefits, a full-load of full-time courses, no income, a mortgage and expenses. And my home is falling apart. I can't afford to stay here. I think that I am forced to sell the place and go home to nada. EITHER WAY - I'M DOOMED! I was awakened this AM by a nightmare where I was in a dark high stairwell with nada and all the plaster on the ceiling and all around caved in and I fell about six stories being buried alive with structural debris and white plaster pieces. As I was being buried alive, I said...I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE THIS WAY.... And then I woke up. So, I'm kind of frazzled. This whole way of life is ending for me here. Or it will end there - with nada. My independent life here is not sustainable. I really need to get a job. And I'm scared to death - literally. I just don't know how I'm going to survive all of this. Thanks for listening to all of this....I'm just talking about how I feel. I'm so scared. I feel helpless. -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 13, 2012 Report Share Posted September 13, 2012 , sweets, you need a break. One thing at a time. You've been through so much with the loss of your husband. Pat yourself on the back for pulling through, trying to get an education yourself and forging ahead despite it all! I agree with the other posters that focusing on yourself during this time is paramount. As for the flying monkeys - they can go straight to Hell; ignore ignore ignore ignore them. You know the truth, they don't. Is it possible, if your do sell your condo, to not disclose that information? Keeping things under wraps might help avoid more nada FOG no? I'm sure there's more to it than that but I usually keep almost everything a secret from my nada. Worst case scenario, you are disinherited. You will survive. You're a survivor. That's what us KOs are good at. I wish I could make it all better for you. My name is too! BIIIIG Hugs from HF. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 13, 2012 Report Share Posted September 13, 2012 Hi HF and Everyone, Thanks! Yes, it's been so difficult losing DH - suddenly!  I guess that getting an education and forging ahead is huge. I never saw it that way..... To me, it's always a lifelong struggle to " individuate " b/c of nada. I haven't spoken to the flying monkeys.  I'm waiting for them to do whatever they have to do about the situation and staying out of it.  I thought that they would intervene by now, on my brother's behalf. The idea of selling my condo and not telling nada really appeals to me.  I really do think that I should get out of here b/c it's sad living here without DH (although I had the place painted b/c I almost sold it earlier this year).  It's really funny....b/c as I write this now.....earlier this year I had no idea where I was going to live and I was about to sell the condo.....I think that I was going to nada's b/c she was being nice and as " physically okay " as possible.  And then I got a contract job and stayed.  WHEW! Having secrets from nada seems like a good way to have boundaries.  I pray that if I'm " open " to a new life and a new place to live, that hopefully things would " open up " .  I'm so tired of surviving....That's what the police told me after my husband's " accident " .  If I were individuated enough to succeed in the outer world and sustain myself with a decent living, then being disinherited would not be a big deal, as it didn't matter when DH was alive  But, it may happen anyway. Hugs! -L  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2012 3:58 PM Subject: Re: Everything Is a Mess  , sweets, you need a break. One thing at a time. You've been through so much with the loss of your husband. Pat yourself on the back for pulling through, trying to get an education yourself and forging ahead despite it all! I agree with the other posters that focusing on yourself during this time is paramount. As for the flying monkeys - they can go straight to Hell; ignore ignore ignore ignore them. You know the truth, they don't. Is it possible, if your do sell your condo, to not disclose that information? Keeping things under wraps might help avoid more nada FOG no? I'm sure there's more to it than that but I usually keep almost everything a secret from my nada. Worst case scenario, you are disinherited. You will survive. You're a survivor. That's what us KOs are good at. I wish I could make it all better for you. My name is too! BIIIIG Hugs from HF. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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