Stressed by no contact and just generally totally fed up

[Guest guest]

I've decided that I'd had had enough and went no contact with my BDP mother

about a month ago. This was following a rage episode witnessed by my 4 year old

child, which just suddenly made me realise how inappropriate and wrong her

behaviour was. She just flew into a full scale rage when I told her not to

change the clothes my child was wearing, and would not lower her voice and had

to be bodily removed from my house.

After that she told everyone how ungrateful I was for all the help she had been

giving me (looking after said child onece a week and some ad hoc babysitting)

and how mean I was to treat her like that when she is feeling particularly

vulnerable. I'm heavily pregnant and completely fed up with the histrionics and

changeability and moodiness. I'm also fed up with her behaviour towards my

child, where basically she just does as she pleases without taking the slightes

notice of my or husbands wishes. In retrospect I feel it was a terrible mistake

to allow her back into our lives for the last two years( I went no contact about

4 years ago for the first time after my mother flew into a rage and assaulted my

grandmother (her own mother)). After much family persuading and interventions I

believed that she had changed and resumed contact. However... all this was done

as it were " blind " , because at that time I hadn't really understood her problem,

or the bit parts we were all assigned in the grand tragedy of her life.

Whilst doing some research I came across BDP and had a Eureka moment - It was my

entire life there and my relationship with my mother word for word. So having

intensely read up on it I felt better equipped to make my choices this time

round. I regretted allowing her back into our lives, and cursed myself for

having allowed her anywhere near my child. Over that time she showed she hadn't

really changed. It is especially worrying that she may have had a negative

influence on my child during that time.

So having told her it was no contact she has a hard time accepting it. She

texted me and emailed me several times. I said I was not interested in giving

her another chance and that I may reconsider if she had therapy. She texted

saying that she now signed up for therapy. I responded that I thought it would

be a long term process and wished her luck. She turned up several times with her

husband, but thankfully stayed in the car outside whilst he delivered stuff on

her behalf - flowers and vegetables form my allotment, which she took over, and

which I hadn't asked for. We then had a bit of a wrangle getting her to return

the keys to my house (how abnormal is that, having keys to your adult children's

homes?) It was returned by proxy, her current husband. He came in and had a long

moan to me about how he just couldn't take it all anymore and did not know what

to do. He is selling his house and wants a separation, or so he said at the

time) I explained that I've reached my decision and he accepted that.

Now he has done a u-turn and is constantly working on her behalf with trying to

organise " family meetings " , pretending that he misunderstood about the no

contact (he facilitated a meeting between her an my child when he took child to

a prearranged swimming class), telling me that he felt uncomfortable carrying on

a subterfuge with my child about why granny could not be seen, and texting my

husband behind my back when I reiterated that I though she was too mad to be

allowed near my child (at least that clarifies your thoughts he said) asking for

meeting to discuss situation urgently. All along implying that somehow he is

taking responsibility for fixing my bad attitude. My poor kid is totally

confused as to why granny is suddenly not around, and had a few good cries about

it, and is also genuinely fond of mothers husband as a sort of grandfatherly

figure, which is why I have initially been fine with him remaining in touch and

occasionally taking my child out to a class or the park for couple of hours.

I feel that my mother has taken major advantage of the fact that I had a bad

pregnancy and was too ill to get around much, and the fact that I am to give

birth at any point now. So because I ill advisedly depended on her to help with

my child she though she could completely dominate our relationship as prior to

the first No Contact period.

I am non stop worried that she will turn up at my home, or child's school, or

anywhere really, and cause another scene, and feel that her husbands behaviour

gives her validation she would otherwise lack, and undermines me. I am also sick

of being pressured by him and my family to give her another chance and consider

how she is feeling, and by the high handed parochial approach taken by her

current husband, who somehow feels entitled to meddle in all this. There are a

lot of strange relationships here and she is relentless at lying about

everything she does / did. In fact she does not seem to recall her rages very

well and is always a victim in all her relationships. For example, I caused her

to rage by questioning her perfectly natural grandmotherly behaviour on that

occasion, or she never physically assaulted her own 90 year old mother, etc, or

when I would challenge her insane look at reality (views about how others treat

her, or her religious sect, or what she's been getting up to with my child when

she was looking after it she would just frequently outright lie). Or, for

example, just prior to her blow up, she told me how she with difficulty

refrained from shouting at her husband when he slunk home " like a beaten dog " in

the early hours of the morning and did not even say hello to her just went

straight upstairs, how dared he, she should have had a go (this is the day he

learned his mother had cancer and spent time with her). So I challenged her and

said that she seemed to have absolutely no empathy for his situation at all. I

told her calmly how selfish she sounded to a bystander. She started sobbing and

telling me how it was just too much to take for her, what with my mentally ill

brother (whom she does not look after by the way, her husband does it all, their

house sale and just everything - and I just said that she had a terrible

tendency to wallow and wind herself up and enjoy her tragic moments, and that

not everything that happened in the world was all about her). Anyway, looking

back at it perhaps it's not surprising that she decided to blow up at me later.

E.g.: I asked her not to mention her religious views to my child - she flatly

ignored that for that last two years and lied every time she was challenged

about it. She recently started calling herself " pretend mommy " to my child, I'm

not sure why. To hear my child repeat these absurdities is just so offensive to

me.

I think I wish she would seriously just drop dead and leave me in peace. I think

that I hate her, deeply hate her, for he first time in my life, now that I've

opened my eyes to the reality of all that she had done to me and my brother (who

by the way is mentally ill with schizophrenia), how she had perverted what

motherhood ought to be, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and know that nothing

good would ever come out of continuing a relationship with her (which would

require me to totally basically monitor all her behaviour at all times anyway,

and I'm definitely not interested in doing that).

So how do I just come down and not allow all this to upset me any more? What is

the best way to get rid of her and remove her from my and my child's life,

without worrying about what she might or might not do next? She lives very near

by, I'm thinking of moving away!

Has anyone else faced this particular situation or a similar situation and how

did they resolve it? Advice appreciated.

Andie

[Guest guest]

Hi Andie,

Welcome to the Group.

First of all, congratulations on your imminent new arrival.

My take on this: its important for your health and your unborn baby's health for

you to remain as calm and stress-free as possible; its also better for your

little 4 year old, as well.

So, I suggest that your health and serenity be given top priority, and to that

end its OK to take a " vacation " from contact with your bpd mother's enabling,

enmeshed husband for a while, to allow you to rest and and just feel more

relaxed.

Its OK to block their numbers or to just let their phone calls go to voicemail

and have your husband listen to them when he gets home. Its OK to change the

locks on your doors (and where I Iive, its actually pretty easy; I've changed my

own locks and I'm NOT the handy type.) Its OK to simply not answer the door if

your mother and/or her husband should show up uninvited.

I suggest that you contact your child's school and let them know that starting

now your child is not to be handed over to anyone except you or your husband,

that your mother and her husband are NOT on the " approved to contact/approved to

pick up the child " list. The school is legally obligated to not allow

visitation by unapproved persons on their property, so if your mother's husband

shows up to collect your child, he would be escorted off school property and/or

arrested.

I agree, all this crazy crap coming from your bpd mother has to be pretty

confusing and upsetting for your 4 year old. You'll need to choose the course

of action that feels best and most workable for you, but one option to consider

is to say to the little one something along the lines of " Sometimes grownups

make mistakes too and need a " time out " to think about what they did, to say

they're sorry and that they'll try to do better. " and " Grandma is in " time out "

right now. " Reassure the child that this has nothing to do with her or anything

she said or did, that everyone loves her (your 4-year-old) and nobody is angry

with her, and that sometime after her baby brother or sister is born you'll all

probably see grandma again. (I suggest supervised visitation only from now on,

myself.)

So, please be gentle with yourself (as our member Doug says), and give yourself

permission to put your health as THE top priority, and if that means some time

out of contact with bpd mom and her enmeshed husband, so be it.

You have done nothing to feel guilty about, OK? No. Guilt.

-Annie

>

> I've decided that I'd had had enough and went no contact with my BDP mother

about a month ago. This was following a rage episode witnessed by my 4 year old

child, which just suddenly made me realise how inappropriate and wrong her

behaviour was. She just flew into a full scale rage when I told her not to

change the clothes my child was wearing, and would not lower her voice and had

to be bodily removed from my house.

>

> After that she told everyone how ungrateful I was for all the help she had

been giving me (looking after said child onece a week and some ad hoc

babysitting) and how mean I was to treat her like that when she is feeling

particularly vulnerable. I'm heavily pregnant and completely fed up with the

histrionics and changeability and moodiness. I'm also fed up with her behaviour

towards my child, where basically she just does as she pleases without taking

the slightes notice of my or husbands wishes. In retrospect I feel it was a

terrible mistake to allow her back into our lives for the last two years( I went

no contact about 4 years ago for the first time after my mother flew into a rage

and assaulted my grandmother (her own mother)). After much family persuading and

interventions I believed that she had changed and resumed contact. However...

all this was done as it were " blind " , because at that time I hadn't really

understood her problem, or the bit parts we were all assigned in the grand

tragedy of her life.

>

> Whilst doing some research I came across BDP and had a Eureka moment - It was

my entire life there and my relationship with my mother word for word. So having

intensely read up on it I felt better equipped to make my choices this time

round. I regretted allowing her back into our lives, and cursed myself for

having allowed her anywhere near my child. Over that time she showed she hadn't

really changed. It is especially worrying that she may have had a negative

influence on my child during that time.

>

> So having told her it was no contact she has a hard time accepting it. She

texted me and emailed me several times. I said I was not interested in giving

her another chance and that I may reconsider if she had therapy. She texted

saying that she now signed up for therapy. I responded that I thought it would

be a long term process and wished her luck. She turned up several times with her

husband, but thankfully stayed in the car outside whilst he delivered stuff on

her behalf - flowers and vegetables form my allotment, which she took over, and

which I hadn't asked for. We then had a bit of a wrangle getting her to return

the keys to my house (how abnormal is that, having keys to your adult children's

homes?) It was returned by proxy, her current husband. He came in and had a long

moan to me about how he just couldn't take it all anymore and did not know what

to do. He is selling his house and wants a separation, or so he said at the

time) I explained that I've reached my decision and he accepted that.

>

> Now he has done a u-turn and is constantly working on her behalf with trying

to organise " family meetings " , pretending that he misunderstood about the no

contact (he facilitated a meeting between her an my child when he took child to

a prearranged swimming class), telling me that he felt uncomfortable carrying on

a subterfuge with my child about why granny could not be seen, and texting my

husband behind my back when I reiterated that I though she was too mad to be

allowed near my child (at least that clarifies your thoughts he said) asking for

meeting to discuss situation urgently. All along implying that somehow he is

taking responsibility for fixing my bad attitude. My poor kid is totally

confused as to why granny is suddenly not around, and had a few good cries about

it, and is also genuinely fond of mothers husband as a sort of grandfatherly

figure, which is why I have initially been fine with him remaining in touch and

occasionally taking my child out to a class or the park for couple of hours.

>

> I feel that my mother has taken major advantage of the fact that I had a bad

pregnancy and was too ill to get around much, and the fact that I am to give

birth at any point now. So because I ill advisedly depended on her to help with

my child she though she could completely dominate our relationship as prior to

the first No Contact period.

>

> I am non stop worried that she will turn up at my home, or child's school, or

anywhere really, and cause another scene, and feel that her husbands behaviour

gives her validation she would otherwise lack, and undermines me. I am also sick

of being pressured by him and my family to give her another chance and consider

how she is feeling, and by the high handed parochial approach taken by her

current husband, who somehow feels entitled to meddle in all this. There are a

lot of strange relationships here and she is relentless at lying about

everything she does / did. In fact she does not seem to recall her rages very

well and is always a victim in all her relationships. For example, I caused her

to rage by questioning her perfectly natural grandmotherly behaviour on that

occasion, or she never physically assaulted her own 90 year old mother, etc, or

when I would challenge her insane look at reality (views about how others treat

her, or her religious sect, or what she's been getting up to with my child when

she was looking after it she would just frequently outright lie). Or, for

example, just prior to her blow up, she told me how she with difficulty

refrained from shouting at her husband when he slunk home " like a beaten dog " in

the early hours of the morning and did not even say hello to her just went

straight upstairs, how dared he, she should have had a go (this is the day he

learned his mother had cancer and spent time with her). So I challenged her and

said that she seemed to have absolutely no empathy for his situation at all. I

told her calmly how selfish she sounded to a bystander. She started sobbing and

telling me how it was just too much to take for her, what with my mentally ill

brother (whom she does not look after by the way, her husband does it all, their

house sale and just everything - and I just said that she had a terrible

tendency to wallow and wind herself up and enjoy her tragic moments, and that

not everything that happened in the world was all about her). Anyway, looking

back at it perhaps it's not surprising that she decided to blow up at me later.

>

> E.g.: I asked her not to mention her religious views to my child - she flatly

ignored that for that last two years and lied every time she was challenged

about it. She recently started calling herself " pretend mommy " to my child, I'm

not sure why. To hear my child repeat these absurdities is just so offensive to

me.

>

> I think I wish she would seriously just drop dead and leave me in peace. I

think that I hate her, deeply hate her, for he first time in my life, now that

I've opened my eyes to the reality of all that she had done to me and my brother

(who by the way is mentally ill with schizophrenia), how she had perverted what

motherhood ought to be, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and know that nothing

good would ever come out of continuing a relationship with her (which would

require me to totally basically monitor all her behaviour at all times anyway,

and I'm definitely not interested in doing that).

>

> So how do I just come down and not allow all this to upset me any more? What

is the best way to get rid of her and remove her from my and my child's life,

without worrying about what she might or might not do next? She lives very near

by, I'm thinking of moving away!

>

> Has anyone else faced this particular situation or a similar situation and how

did they resolve it? Advice appreciated.

>

> Andie

>

[Guest guest]

I did not know my my was BPD until 2 years ago, but I vividly remember what my

mom was like when I was pregnant with my second child. She dramatically made

everything about her. She had been baby sitting my daughter a few hours a week

too and saying/doing things that conflicted with our parenting wishes. Although

some were minor transgressions, so many others were whoppers and/or caused

unnecessary upset.

I tried to keep her at arms length while I had my child and tried to maintain

communication. She became needier, blaming me for all her problems and the

family upset. By the time my new baby was a year old, my dishrag father had

organized a mediation meeting at his therapist's office. That disaster meet got

so heated, so abusive, that I am sure it is still discussed in the office

building. That led to 8 years of no contact.

When we finally reconnected, he behaved like a normal person for a few years.

But gradually her behavior defaulted to BPD crazy and I've had to go very LC

with her to save my sanity. Once I discovered the BPD part, it killed all the

hope for normal relations.

I am very sorry you are going through all this, and at a time when you are

already heavy with child and mom to another young one. Please know you are not

alone, I've walked in your shoes and no, the answers are not easy. Just put your

energy into the wonderful little family you are creating, and let your BPD

mother and her dishrag lead their own insane lives.

>

> I've decided that I'd had had enough and went no contact with my BDP mother

about a month ago. This was following a rage episode witnessed by my 4 year old

child, which just suddenly made me realise how inappropriate and wrong her

behaviour was. She just flew into a full scale rage when I told her not to

change the clothes my child was wearing, and would not lower her voice and had

to be bodily removed from my house.

>

> After that she told everyone how ungrateful I was for all the help she had

been giving me (looking after said child onece a week and some ad hoc

babysitting) and how mean I was to treat her like that when she is feeling

particularly vulnerable. I'm heavily pregnant and completely fed up with the

histrionics and changeability and moodiness. I'm also fed up with her behaviour

towards my child, where basically she just does as she pleases without taking

the slightes notice of my or husbands wishes. In retrospect I feel it was a

terrible mistake to allow her back into our lives for the last two years( I went

no contact about 4 years ago for the first time after my mother flew into a rage

and assaulted my grandmother (her own mother)). After much family persuading and

interventions I believed that she had changed and resumed contact. However...

all this was done as it were " blind " , because at that time I hadn't really

understood her problem, or the bit parts we were all assigned in the grand

tragedy of her life.

>

> Whilst doing some research I came across BDP and had a Eureka moment - It was

my entire life there and my relationship with my mother word for word. So having

intensely read up on it I felt better equipped to make my choices this time

round. I regretted allowing her back into our lives, and cursed myself for

having allowed her anywhere near my child. Over that time she showed she hadn't

really changed. It is especially worrying that she may have had a negative

influence on my child during that time.

>

> So having told her it was no contact she has a hard time accepting it. She

texted me and emailed me several times. I said I was not interested in giving

her another chance and that I may reconsider if she had therapy. She texted

saying that she now signed up for therapy. I responded that I thought it would

be a long term process and wished her luck. She turned up several times with her

husband, but thankfully stayed in the car outside whilst he delivered stuff on

her behalf - flowers and vegetables form my allotment, which she took over, and

which I hadn't asked for. We then had a bit of a wrangle getting her to return

the keys to my house (how abnormal is that, having keys to your adult children's

homes?) It was returned by proxy, her current husband. He came in and had a long

moan to me about how he just couldn't take it all anymore and did not know what

to do. He is selling his house and wants a separation, or so he said at the

time) I explained that I've reached my decision and he accepted that.

>

> Now he has done a u-turn and is constantly working on her behalf with trying

to organise " family meetings " , pretending that he misunderstood about the no

contact (he facilitated a meeting between her an my child when he took child to

a prearranged swimming class), telling me that he felt uncomfortable carrying on

a subterfuge with my child about why granny could not be seen, and texting my

husband behind my back when I reiterated that I though she was too mad to be

allowed near my child (at least that clarifies your thoughts he said) asking for

meeting to discuss situation urgently. All along implying that somehow he is

taking responsibility for fixing my bad attitude. My poor kid is totally

confused as to why granny is suddenly not around, and had a few good cries about

it, and is also genuinely fond of mothers husband as a sort of grandfatherly

figure, which is why I have initially been fine with him remaining in touch and

occasionally taking my child out to a class or the park for couple of hours.

>

> I feel that my mother has taken major advantage of the fact that I had a bad

pregnancy and was too ill to get around much, and the fact that I am to give

birth at any point now. So because I ill advisedly depended on her to help with

my child she though she could completely dominate our relationship as prior to

the first No Contact period.

>

> I am non stop worried that she will turn up at my home, or child's school, or

anywhere really, and cause another scene, and feel that her husbands behaviour

gives her validation she would otherwise lack, and undermines me. I am also sick

of being pressured by him and my family to give her another chance and consider

how she is feeling, and by the high handed parochial approach taken by her

current husband, who somehow feels entitled to meddle in all this. There are a

lot of strange relationships here and she is relentless at lying about

everything she does / did. In fact she does not seem to recall her rages very

well and is always a victim in all her relationships. For example, I caused her

to rage by questioning her perfectly natural grandmotherly behaviour on that

occasion, or she never physically assaulted her own 90 year old mother, etc, or

when I would challenge her insane look at reality (views about how others treat

her, or her religious sect, or what she's been getting up to with my child when

she was looking after it she would just frequently outright lie). Or, for

example, just prior to her blow up, she told me how she with difficulty

refrained from shouting at her husband when he slunk home " like a beaten dog " in

the early hours of the morning and did not even say hello to her just went

straight upstairs, how dared he, she should have had a go (this is the day he

learned his mother had cancer and spent time with her). So I challenged her and

said that she seemed to have absolutely no empathy for his situation at all. I

told her calmly how selfish she sounded to a bystander. She started sobbing and

telling me how it was just too much to take for her, what with my mentally ill

brother (whom she does not look after by the way, her husband does it all, their

house sale and just everything - and I just said that she had a terrible

tendency to wallow and wind herself up and enjoy her tragic moments, and that

not everything that happened in the world was all about her). Anyway, looking

back at it perhaps it's not surprising that she decided to blow up at me later.

>

> E.g.: I asked her not to mention her religious views to my child - she flatly

ignored that for that last two years and lied every time she was challenged

about it. She recently started calling herself " pretend mommy " to my child, I'm

not sure why. To hear my child repeat these absurdities is just so offensive to

me.

>

> I think I wish she would seriously just drop dead and leave me in peace. I

think that I hate her, deeply hate her, for he first time in my life, now that

I've opened my eyes to the reality of all that she had done to me and my brother

(who by the way is mentally ill with schizophrenia), how she had perverted what

motherhood ought to be, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and know that nothing

good would ever come out of continuing a relationship with her (which would

require me to totally basically monitor all her behaviour at all times anyway,

and I'm definitely not interested in doing that).

>

> So how do I just come down and not allow all this to upset me any more? What

is the best way to get rid of her and remove her from my and my child's life,

without worrying about what she might or might not do next? She lives very near

by, I'm thinking of moving away!

>

> Has anyone else faced this particular situation or a similar situation and how

did they resolve it? Advice appreciated.

>

> Andie

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds to me like moving would be the best thing. It helped my situation a

bit.

 

I had similar experiences to yours. I was on bed rest with my second child, and

my mom had to come over every day to help with my 14 month old. (Thankfully, she

only raged at me once while I was helplessly laying on the couch.)

 

Then, my mother would just show up places (I'm so happy--if that's the right

word--to see that it's part of a diagnosis and that others do it too). She

showed up at my home, at my kids' Sunday school class, at my kids' school. It

was inappropriate and embarrassing and frustrating.

 

However, my mother is on her best behavior with my kids. She'll rage at my dad

for hours and then just come over to my house and be so sweet and fun with my

kids.

 

Maybe if your mother was able to see the kids under your supervision only if she

were to behave and honor your rules?

 

Otherwise, moving may be very beneficial for you.

 

We moved just 15 minutes farther, and it really helped--although I did finally

get mad and got the courage to express my anger at her when she just showed up

at our new house after I told her not to because they were painting that day.

She interrupted the painters and walked all throughout my house just because she

felt entitled to see it when she wanted to. Grrrr... (I do think my mom drives

by our house though. She let it slip that she saw a moving van at our neighbor's

house, but they moved during a weekend she wasn't over. Creepy.)

 

Anyhow, if you've been strong enough to tell her NC before, then doing so again

sounds completely appropriate. And moving may be a nice fresh start for you and

your family. (And having a house without a guest room helps.)

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, September 9, 2012 7:58 AM

Subject: Stressed by no contact and just generally totally

fed up

 

I've decided that I'd had had enough and went no contact with my BDP mother

about a month ago. This was following a rage episode witnessed by my 4 year old

child, which just suddenly made me realise how inappropriate and wrong her

behaviour was. She just flew into a full scale rage when I told her not to

change the clothes my child was wearing, and would not lower her voice and had

to be bodily removed from my house.

After that she told everyone how ungrateful I was for all the help she had been

giving me (looking after said child onece a week and some ad hoc babysitting)

and how mean I was to treat her like that when she is feeling particularly

vulnerable. I'm heavily pregnant and completely fed up with the histrionics and

changeability and moodiness. I'm also fed up with her behaviour towards my

child, where basically she just does as she pleases without taking the slightes

notice of my or husbands wishes. In retrospect I feel it was a terrible mistake

to allow her back into our lives for the last two years( I went no contact about

4 years ago for the first time after my mother flew into a rage and assaulted my

grandmother (her own mother)). After much family persuading and interventions I

believed that she had changed and resumed contact. However... all this was done

as it were " blind " , because at that time I hadn't really understood her problem,

or the bit parts

we were all assigned in the grand tragedy of her life.

Whilst doing some research I came across BDP and had a Eureka moment - It was my

entire life there and my relationship with my mother word for word. So having

intensely read up on it I felt better equipped to make my choices this time

round. I regretted allowing her back into our lives, and cursed myself for

having allowed her anywhere near my child. Over that time she showed she hadn't

really changed. It is especially worrying that she may have had a negative

influence on my child during that time.

So having told her it was no contact she has a hard time accepting it. She

texted me and emailed me several times. I said I was not interested in giving

her another chance and that I may reconsider if she had therapy. She texted

saying that she now signed up for therapy. I responded that I thought it would

be a long term process and wished her luck. She turned up several times with her

husband, but thankfully stayed in the car outside whilst he delivered stuff on

her behalf - flowers and vegetables form my allotment, which she took over, and

which I hadn't asked for. We then had a bit of a wrangle getting her to return

the keys to my house (how abnormal is that, having keys to your adult children's

homes?) It was returned by proxy, her current husband. He came in and had a long

moan to me about how he just couldn't take it all anymore and did not know what

to do. He is selling his house and wants a separation, or so he said at the

time) I explained that

I've reached my decision and he accepted that.

Now he has done a u-turn and is constantly working on her behalf with trying to

organise " family meetings " , pretending that he misunderstood about the no

contact (he facilitated a meeting between her an my child when he took child to

a prearranged swimming class), telling me that he felt uncomfortable carrying on

a subterfuge with my child about why granny could not be seen, and texting my

husband behind my back when I reiterated that I though she was too mad to be

allowed near my child (at least that clarifies your thoughts he said) asking for

meeting to discuss situation urgently. All along implying that somehow he is

taking responsibility for fixing my bad attitude. My poor kid is totally

confused as to why granny is suddenly not around, and had a few good cries about

it, and is also genuinely fond of mothers husband as a sort of grandfatherly

figure, which is why I have initially been fine with him remaining in touch and

occasionally taking my child

out to a class or the park for couple of hours.

I feel that my mother has taken major advantage of the fact that I had a bad

pregnancy and was too ill to get around much, and the fact that I am to give

birth at any point now. So because I ill advisedly depended on her to help with

my child she though she could completely dominate our relationship as prior to

the first No Contact period.

I am non stop worried that she will turn up at my home, or child's school, or

anywhere really, and cause another scene, and feel that her husbands behaviour

gives her validation she would otherwise lack, and undermines me. I am also sick

of being pressured by him and my family to give her another chance and consider

how she is feeling, and by the high handed parochial approach taken by her

current husband, who somehow feels entitled to meddle in all this. There are a

lot of strange relationships here and she is relentless at lying about

everything she does / did. In fact she does not seem to recall her rages very

well and is always a victim in all her relationships. For example, I caused her

to rage by questioning her perfectly natural grandmotherly behaviour on that

occasion, or she never physically assaulted her own 90 year old mother, etc, or

when I would challenge her insane look at reality (views about how others treat

her, or her religious sect, or

what she's been getting up to with my child when she was looking after it she

would just frequently outright lie). Or, for example, just prior to her blow up,

she told me how she with difficulty refrained from shouting at her husband when

he slunk home " like a beaten dog " in the early hours of the morning and did not

even say hello to her just went straight upstairs, how dared he, she should have

had a go (this is the day he learned his mother had cancer and spent time with

her). So I challenged her and said that she seemed to have absolutely no empathy

for his situation at all. I told her calmly how selfish she sounded to a

bystander. She started sobbing and telling me how it was just too much to take

for her, what with my mentally ill brother (whom she does not look after by the

way, her husband does it all, their house sale and just everything - and I just

said that she had a terrible tendency to wallow and wind herself up and enjoy

her tragic

moments, and that not everything that happened in the world was all about her).

Anyway, looking back at it perhaps it's not surprising that she decided to blow

up at me later.

E.g.: I asked her not to mention her religious views to my child - she flatly

ignored that for that last two years and lied every time she was challenged

about it. She recently started calling herself " pretend mommy " to my child, I'm

not sure why. To hear my child repeat these absurdities is just so offensive to

me.

I think I wish she would seriously just drop dead and leave me in peace. I think

that I hate her, deeply hate her, for he first time in my life, now that I've

opened my eyes to the reality of all that she had done to me and my brother (who

by the way is mentally ill with schizophrenia), how she had perverted what

motherhood ought to be, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and know that nothing

good would ever come out of continuing a relationship with her (which would

require me to totally basically monitor all her behaviour at all times anyway,

and I'm definitely not interested in doing that).

So how do I just come down and not allow all this to upset me any more? What is

the best way to get rid of her and remove her from my and my child's life,

without worrying about what she might or might not do next? She lives very near

by, I'm thinking of moving away!

Has anyone else faced this particular situation or a similar situation and how

did they resolve it? Advice appreciated.

Andie

[Guest guest]

HI,

I had extremely difficult pregnancies as well, and found that my Nada's bp

inappropriate behavior escalated during my stressful times too. (Showing up at

the hospital and trying to read my chart -while I was on bed rest for a

month-after repeatedly being told no, not today) I had to keep in mind, it

wasn't about the life of my baby or mine ( which were both on the edge) but

allllll about her stress. It was all about her worry and anxiety over the

changes coming. I went low contact before even knowing what bp or low contact

was during these times.

It's really important that you and your spouse stay on the same page and enforce

the same rules or else the flying monkeys (current husband of Nada) and Nada

will exploit the cracks and divide the unity. It's ok to remove yourself from

the chaos, simply say that you elect to not participate in drama at this time.

It's ok not to respond to hateful, manipulating phone calls, emails, flying

monkeys. Again, it's ok to tell them you are not engaging in any drama at this

time, you are focusing your energy and emotions on your own children right now.

It's ok to tell them that when they are ready to discuss other topics you'd love

to chat with them again. You look forward to visiting with them again really

soon. Goodbye, *click* hang up!

You will never change Nada, nor the flying monkeys. You can only change your

reactions. You and your spouse have got to be on the same page and have clear

boundaries. It's even ok to write them out like a list of rules with

consequences. And give a copy to Nada and one to her current husband. ex: Rule

1: Do not come to my house without talking on the phone with me before hand. If

you show up with out talking to me first, I will remind you of needing to call

first and will arrange a time that will work for me in the next few days. Rule

2: Do not discuss religion and religious topics with my child. We are the

parents, and this is our job. If you discuss this with my child there will be a

one month no contact period at the end of which I will again ask you to refrain

from discussing religion and religious topics with my child. Rule 3: Poor

behavior will not be tolerated. This includes raised voices, spiteful speech,

rude and critical comments. If your demonstrate poor and inappropriate behavior

we will end the time together. We will immediately leave or you will be escorted

out of my home. etc. And stick to it!

Also, a 4 yr can understand that sometime people make bad choices and break

rules. You are the mommy and your child follows the rules you set. This includes

how others behave, speak, treat those around them. Would your 4 year old be

allowed to act like Nada?? And I bet he knows it! My three year old twin boys

recognize my Nada's bad behavior and one even once told her " Stop, we don't

scream at each other. " Jeez, I wish I had that moment on video!!! Anyhow, it's

about setting rules, continually enforcing them, and consistency from you and

your spouse. You can't control her, she will never change. You can only control

yourself and make changes that are peaceful and healthy for your family.

Wish you the very best!

Mommy of twin 3 yo boys and a 2 yo girl

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your support and messages. I am so happy that I've found this

group, it is incredible to hear from people who are affected by a similar

situation and not suckered into the vortex of crazy bdp emotions like the

average person is.

I really need to focus on my pregnancy and not on my mothers issues. I feel that

she basically always tries to spoil my moment of happiness, and destroy my

independence; every time I look to assert my self or to enjoy myself there she

is looming large, trying to take it away from me.

I've refused to see her husband for the last couple of days. He seems to have

some kind of a rescuer syndrome. My husband went to meet him and explained again

that we are just not interested in having her as part of our lives any more,

mainly because we've been through her ups and downs too many times to count, and

we know she is not going to change, but also because of its destructive and

damaging effect on our child. She was unable to observe any limits set by us in

regards to how the child was to be parented or cared for over the last couple of

years, and lied about it all every time she was questioned. I have absolutely no

trust in her at all.

It is interesting o note that during my previous pregnancy she acted incredibly

nice and supportive for a little while, so that when we were moving home she

offered to put us up for a month at her place while we formalised documents etc.

Needless to say as soon as I moved in and was at her " mercy " she turned into a

horrendous abusive monster and raged repeatedly, as well as threw me out of the

house knowing that I had nowhere else to go and was 7 months pregnant. So

clearly people with her condition are seriously affected by their daughters

pregnancies.

It's interesting that some of you mentioned supervised contact. Over the last

month I attempted contact between her and my child which was supposedly

supervised by her husband. But my child just ended up acting upset afterwards

and repeated a lot of her ramblings verbatim about there being many gods which

are the main causation factor for everything that happens in her life, attaching

spirits, wearing red for protection etc, so this is why we stopped contact. Some

crazier behaviour include so far driving my kid in the front seat of her car

without a child seat more than once because she was running too late to get the

child seat from her house, getting child to comfort her when she was feeling

low, explaining in detail the ins and outs of the reproductive system to a three

year old, taking child to religious sect meeting, racist rants, giving child

forbidden foods repeatedly, taking child shopping for unnecessary crazy items,

getting child to spend " quality time " with my schizophrenic brother against my

express wishes, and shoplifting. All of which I learned about from my child and

brought up with her later. It was a hilarious social moment when my child piped

up one day " sometimes granny buys things without paying for them! " and watched

my mother come up with an elaborate story how that only ever happened once by

accident. Thank my lucky stars that she wasn't arrested in charge of my child.

I also feel that basically I am not up to the job of monitoring her behaviour

myself. That always puts her in the role of the weeping seething victim which

she loves to play, and sets me up for a lot of stress and remonstrations from

various parties connected to her who believe her bullshit. I still feel remnants

of guilt when I think about how cut up she must be, but am trying to wean myself

off of it. I think what helps its remembering her actions not her emotions. As

soon as I think about the things she has done I feel no pity at all.

I am amazed that some off you seem to be able to manage relationships with your

bdp parents. It must take so much fortitude and will. Well beyond what I could

manage. I'm at a stage where I'm just learning to be happy with myself and enjoy

my life and learn to trust my own judgements and reactions and there is just no

room for her in it, sabotaging, undermining and guilt tripping me.

>

> I've decided that I'd had had enough and went no contact with my BDP mother

about a month ago. This was following a rage episode witnessed by my 4 year old

child, which just suddenly made me realise how inappropriate and wrong her

behaviour was. She just flew into a full scale rage when I told her not to

change the clothes my child was wearing, and would not lower her voice and had

to be bodily removed from my house.

>

> After that she told everyone how ungrateful I was for all the help she had

been giving me (looking after said child onece a week and some ad hoc

babysitting) and how mean I was to treat her like that when she is feeling

particularly vulnerable. I'm heavily pregnant and completely fed up with the

histrionics and changeability and moodiness. I'm also fed up with her behaviour

towards my child, where basically she just does as she pleases without taking

the slightes notice of my or husbands wishes. In retrospect I feel it was a

terrible mistake to allow her back into our lives for the last two years( I went

no contact about 4 years ago for the first time after my mother flew into a rage

and assaulted my grandmother (her own mother)). After much family persuading and

interventions I believed that she had changed and resumed contact. However...

all this was done as it were " blind " , because at that time I hadn't really

understood her problem, or the bit parts we were all assigned in the grand

tragedy of her life.

>

> Whilst doing some research I came across BDP and had a Eureka moment - It was

my entire life there and my relationship with my mother word for word. So having

intensely read up on it I felt better equipped to make my choices this time

round. I regretted allowing her back into our lives, and cursed myself for

having allowed her anywhere near my child. Over that time she showed she hadn't

really changed. It is especially worrying that she may have had a negative

influence on my child during that time.

>

> So having told her it was no contact she has a hard time accepting it. She

texted me and emailed me several times. I said I was not interested in giving

her another chance and that I may reconsider if she had therapy. She texted

saying that she now signed up for therapy. I responded that I thought it would

be a long term process and wished her luck. She turned up several times with her

husband, but thankfully stayed in the car outside whilst he delivered stuff on

her behalf - flowers and vegetables form my allotment, which she took over, and

which I hadn't asked for. We then had a bit of a wrangle getting her to return

the keys to my house (how abnormal is that, having keys to your adult children's

homes?) It was returned by proxy, her current husband. He came in and had a long

moan to me about how he just couldn't take it all anymore and did not know what

to do. He is selling his house and wants a separation, or so he said at the

time) I explained that I've reached my decision and he accepted that.

>

> Now he has done a u-turn and is constantly working on her behalf with trying

to organise " family meetings " , pretending that he misunderstood about the no

contact (he facilitated a meeting between her an my child when he took child to

a prearranged swimming class), telling me that he felt uncomfortable carrying on

a subterfuge with my child about why granny could not be seen, and texting my

husband behind my back when I reiterated that I though she was too mad to be

allowed near my child (at least that clarifies your thoughts he said) asking for

meeting to discuss situation urgently. All along implying that somehow he is

taking responsibility for fixing my bad attitude. My poor kid is totally

confused as to why granny is suddenly not around, and had a few good cries about

it, and is also genuinely fond of mothers husband as a sort of grandfatherly

figure, which is why I have initially been fine with him remaining in touch and

occasionally taking my child out to a class or the park for couple of hours.

>

> I feel that my mother has taken major advantage of the fact that I had a bad

pregnancy and was too ill to get around much, and the fact that I am to give

birth at any point now. So because I ill advisedly depended on her to help with

my child she though she could completely dominate our relationship as prior to

the first No Contact period.

>

> I am non stop worried that she will turn up at my home, or child's school, or

anywhere really, and cause another scene, and feel that her husbands behaviour

gives her validation she would otherwise lack, and undermines me. I am also sick

of being pressured by him and my family to give her another chance and consider

how she is feeling, and by the high handed parochial approach taken by her

current husband, who somehow feels entitled to meddle in all this. There are a

lot of strange relationships here and she is relentless at lying about

everything she does / did. In fact she does not seem to recall her rages very

well and is always a victim in all her relationships. For example, I caused her

to rage by questioning her perfectly natural grandmotherly behaviour on that

occasion, or she never physically assaulted her own 90 year old mother, etc, or

when I would challenge her insane look at reality (views about how others treat

her, or her religious sect, or what she's been getting up to with my child when

she was looking after it she would just frequently outright lie). Or, for

example, just prior to her blow up, she told me how she with difficulty

refrained from shouting at her husband when he slunk home " like a beaten dog " in

the early hours of the morning and did not even say hello to her just went

straight upstairs, how dared he, she should have had a go (this is the day he

learned his mother had cancer and spent time with her). So I challenged her and

said that she seemed to have absolutely no empathy for his situation at all. I

told her calmly how selfish she sounded to a bystander. She started sobbing and

telling me how it was just too much to take for her, what with my mentally ill

brother (whom she does not look after by the way, her husband does it all, their

house sale and just everything - and I just said that she had a terrible

tendency to wallow and wind herself up and enjoy her tragic moments, and that

not everything that happened in the world was all about her). Anyway, looking

back at it perhaps it's not surprising that she decided to blow up at me later.

>

> E.g.: I asked her not to mention her religious views to my child - she flatly

ignored that for that last two years and lied every time she was challenged

about it. She recently started calling herself " pretend mommy " to my child, I'm

not sure why. To hear my child repeat these absurdities is just so offensive to

me.

>

> I think I wish she would seriously just drop dead and leave me in peace. I

think that I hate her, deeply hate her, for he first time in my life, now that

I've opened my eyes to the reality of all that she had done to me and my brother

(who by the way is mentally ill with schizophrenia), how she had perverted what

motherhood ought to be, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and know that nothing

good would ever come out of continuing a relationship with her (which would

require me to totally basically monitor all her behaviour at all times anyway,

and I'm definitely not interested in doing that).

>

> So how do I just come down and not allow all this to upset me any more? What

is the best way to get rid of her and remove her from my and my child's life,

without worrying about what she might or might not do next? She lives very near

by, I'm thinking of moving away!

>

> Has anyone else faced this particular situation or a similar situation and how

did they resolve it? Advice appreciated.

>

> Andie

>

[Guest guest]

(((((nbody)))))

You absolutely have *nothing whatsoever* to feel guilty about, dear. You are to

be honored as a survivor, and a thriver in spite of having been raised with that

kind of " parenting " . You must have a core of steel, aka very high resilience.

And you are to be honored for being a good mother to your own child and putting

your child's safety as a higher priority than your clearly disturbed mother's

demands.

Its clear from the list of wildly inappropriate, shockingly irresponsible

behaviors you described that your mother isn't safe for your child/children to

have contact with, and her husband can't be trusted to safely monitor the visits

or intervene when necessary. Oh, hell no: no more visits with nada and her

flying monkey. I agree with you, I think that No Contact is the only viable

option at this time. Safety first.

I think that was very wise of you to realize, " Its her behaviors that count, not

her feelings " .

You have good instincts.

I hope you will be able to unburden yourself from the misplaced feelings of

guilt and inappropriate feelings of responsibility you are carrying. Think

about handing the guilt and responsibility back to the person they belong to:

your mother.

Those are hers to carry; she created them.

-Annie

> >

> > I've decided that I'd had had enough and went no contact with my BDP mother

about a month ago. This was following a rage episode witnessed by my 4 year old

child, which just suddenly made me realise how inappropriate and wrong her

behaviour was. She just flew into a full scale rage when I told her not to

change the clothes my child was wearing, and would not lower her voice and had

to be bodily removed from my house.

> >

> > After that she told everyone how ungrateful I was for all the help she had

been giving me (looking after said child onece a week and some ad hoc

babysitting) and how mean I was to treat her like that when she is feeling

particularly vulnerable. I'm heavily pregnant and completely fed up with the

histrionics and changeability and moodiness. I'm also fed up with her behaviour

towards my child, where basically she just does as she pleases without taking

the slightes notice of my or husbands wishes. In retrospect I feel it was a

terrible mistake to allow her back into our lives for the last two years( I went

no contact about 4 years ago for the first time after my mother flew into a rage

and assaulted my grandmother (her own mother)). After much family persuading and

interventions I believed that she had changed and resumed contact. However...

all this was done as it were " blind " , because at that time I hadn't really

understood her problem, or the bit parts we were all assigned in the grand

tragedy of her life.

> >

> > Whilst doing some research I came across BDP and had a Eureka moment - It

was my entire life there and my relationship with my mother word for word. So

having intensely read up on it I felt better equipped to make my choices this

time round. I regretted allowing her back into our lives, and cursed myself for

having allowed her anywhere near my child. Over that time she showed she hadn't

really changed. It is especially worrying that she may have had a negative

influence on my child during that time.

> >

> > So having told her it was no contact she has a hard time accepting it. She

texted me and emailed me several times. I said I was not interested in giving

her another chance and that I may reconsider if she had therapy. She texted

saying that she now signed up for therapy. I responded that I thought it would

be a long term process and wished her luck. She turned up several times with her

husband, but thankfully stayed in the car outside whilst he delivered stuff on

her behalf - flowers and vegetables form my allotment, which she took over, and

which I hadn't asked for. We then had a bit of a wrangle getting her to return

the keys to my house (how abnormal is that, having keys to your adult children's

homes?) It was returned by proxy, her current husband. He came in and had a long

moan to me about how he just couldn't take it all anymore and did not know what

to do. He is selling his house and wants a separation, or so he said at the

time) I explained that I've reached my decision and he accepted that.

> >

> > Now he has done a u-turn and is constantly working on her behalf with trying

to organise " family meetings " , pretending that he misunderstood about the no

contact (he facilitated a meeting between her an my child when he took child to

a prearranged swimming class), telling me that he felt uncomfortable carrying on

a subterfuge with my child about why granny could not be seen, and texting my

husband behind my back when I reiterated that I though she was too mad to be

allowed near my child (at least that clarifies your thoughts he said) asking for

meeting to discuss situation urgently. All along implying that somehow he is

taking responsibility for fixing my bad attitude. My poor kid is totally

confused as to why granny is suddenly not around, and had a few good cries about

it, and is also genuinely fond of mothers husband as a sort of grandfatherly

figure, which is why I have initially been fine with him remaining in touch and

occasionally taking my child out to a class or the park for couple of hours.

> >

> > I feel that my mother has taken major advantage of the fact that I had a bad

pregnancy and was too ill to get around much, and the fact that I am to give

birth at any point now. So because I ill advisedly depended on her to help with

my child she though she could completely dominate our relationship as prior to

the first No Contact period.

> >

> > I am non stop worried that she will turn up at my home, or child's school,

or anywhere really, and cause another scene, and feel that her husbands

behaviour gives her validation she would otherwise lack, and undermines me. I am

also sick of being pressured by him and my family to give her another chance and

consider how she is feeling, and by the high handed parochial approach taken by

her current husband, who somehow feels entitled to meddle in all this. There are

a lot of strange relationships here and she is relentless at lying about

everything she does / did. In fact she does not seem to recall her rages very

well and is always a victim in all her relationships. For example, I caused her

to rage by questioning her perfectly natural grandmotherly behaviour on that

occasion, or she never physically assaulted her own 90 year old mother, etc, or

when I would challenge her insane look at reality (views about how others treat

her, or her religious sect, or what she's been getting up to with my child when

she was looking after it she would just frequently outright lie). Or, for

example, just prior to her blow up, she told me how she with difficulty

refrained from shouting at her husband when he slunk home " like a beaten dog " in

the early hours of the morning and did not even say hello to her just went

straight upstairs, how dared he, she should have had a go (this is the day he

learned his mother had cancer and spent time with her). So I challenged her and

said that she seemed to have absolutely no empathy for his situation at all. I

told her calmly how selfish she sounded to a bystander. She started sobbing and

telling me how it was just too much to take for her, what with my mentally ill

brother (whom she does not look after by the way, her husband does it all, their

house sale and just everything - and I just said that she had a terrible

tendency to wallow and wind herself up and enjoy her tragic moments, and that

not everything that happened in the world was all about her). Anyway, looking

back at it perhaps it's not surprising that she decided to blow up at me later.

> >

> > E.g.: I asked her not to mention her religious views to my child - she

flatly ignored that for that last two years and lied every time she was

challenged about it. She recently started calling herself " pretend mommy " to my

child, I'm not sure why. To hear my child repeat these absurdities is just so

offensive to me.

> >

> > I think I wish she would seriously just drop dead and leave me in peace. I

think that I hate her, deeply hate her, for he first time in my life, now that

I've opened my eyes to the reality of all that she had done to me and my brother

(who by the way is mentally ill with schizophrenia), how she had perverted what

motherhood ought to be, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and know that nothing

good would ever come out of continuing a relationship with her (which would

require me to totally basically monitor all her behaviour at all times anyway,

and I'm definitely not interested in doing that).

> >

> > So how do I just come down and not allow all this to upset me any more? What

is the best way to get rid of her and remove her from my and my child's life,

without worrying about what she might or might not do next? She lives very near

by, I'm thinking of moving away!

> >

> > Has anyone else faced this particular situation or a similar situation and

how did they resolve it? Advice appreciated.

> >

> > Andie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

After hearing the things your mother has done with your child, I hope you feel

empowered to stick with the No Contact stance and are able to squelch

any guilty feelings that may pop up. I hope that the people around you will

begin to focus on YOU and to ensure that you have a healthy, peaceful

pregnancy.   

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 1:32 AM

Subject: Re: Stressed by no contact and just generally

totally fed up

 

Thank you all for your support and messages. I am so happy that I've found this

group, it is incredible to hear from people who are affected by a similar

situation and not suckered into the vortex of crazy bdp emotions like the

average person is.

I really need to focus on my pregnancy and not on my mothers issues. I feel that

she basically always tries to spoil my moment of happiness, and destroy my

independence; every time I look to assert my self or to enjoy myself there she

is looming large, trying to take it away from me.

I've refused to see her husband for the last couple of days. He seems to have

some kind of a rescuer syndrome. My husband went to meet him and explained again

that we are just not interested in having her as part of our lives any more,

mainly because we've been through her ups and downs too many times to count, and

we know she is not going to change, but also because of its destructive and

damaging effect on our child. She was unable to observe any limits set by us in

regards to how the child was to be parented or cared for over the last couple of

years, and lied about it all every time she was questioned. I have absolutely no

trust in her at all.

It is interesting o note that during my previous pregnancy she acted incredibly

nice and supportive for a little while, so that when we were moving home she

offered to put us up for a month at her place while we formalised documents etc.

Needless to say as soon as I moved in and was at her " mercy " she turned into a

horrendous abusive monster and raged repeatedly, as well as threw me out of the

house knowing that I had nowhere else to go and was 7 months pregnant. So

clearly people with her condition are seriously affected by their daughters

pregnancies.

It's interesting that some of you mentioned supervised contact. Over the last

month I attempted contact between her and my child which was supposedly

supervised by her husband. But my child just ended up acting upset afterwards

and repeated a lot of her ramblings verbatim about there being many gods which

are the main causation factor for everything that happens in her life, attaching

spirits, wearing red for protection etc, so this is why we stopped contact. Some

crazier behaviour include so far driving my kid in the front seat of her car

without a child seat more than once because she was running too late to get the

child seat from her house, getting child to comfort her when she was feeling

low, explaining in detail the ins and outs of the reproductive system to a three

year old, taking child to religious sect meeting, racist rants, giving child

forbidden foods repeatedly, taking child shopping for unnecessary crazy items,

getting child to spend

" quality time " with my schizophrenic brother against my express wishes, and

shoplifting. All of which I learned about from my child and brought up with her

later. It was a hilarious social moment when my child piped up one day

" sometimes granny buys things without paying for them! " and watched my mother

come up with an elaborate story how that only ever happened once by accident.

Thank my lucky stars that she wasn't arrested in charge of my child.

I also feel that basically I am not up to the job of monitoring her behaviour

myself. That always puts her in the role of the weeping seething victim which

she loves to play, and sets me up for a lot of stress and remonstrations from

various parties connected to her who believe her bullshit. I still feel remnants

of guilt when I think about how cut up she must be, but am trying to wean myself

off of it. I think what helps its remembering her actions not her emotions. As

soon as I think about the things she has done I feel no pity at all.

I am amazed that some off you seem to be able to manage relationships with your

bdp parents. It must take so much fortitude and will. Well beyond what I could

manage. I'm at a stage where I'm just learning to be happy with myself and enjoy

my life and learn to trust my own judgements and reactions and there is just no

room for her in it, sabotaging, undermining and guilt tripping me.

>

> I've decided that I'd had had enough and went no contact with my BDP mother

about a month ago. This was following a rage episode witnessed by my 4 year old

child, which just suddenly made me realise how inappropriate and wrong her

behaviour was. She just flew into a full scale rage when I told her not to

change the clothes my child was wearing, and would not lower her voice and had

to be bodily removed from my house.

>

> After that she told everyone how ungrateful I was for all the help she had

been giving me (looking after said child onece a week and some ad hoc

babysitting) and how mean I was to treat her like that when she is feeling

particularly vulnerable. I'm heavily pregnant and completely fed up with the

histrionics and changeability and moodiness. I'm also fed up with her behaviour

towards my child, where basically she just does as she pleases without taking

the slightes notice of my or husbands wishes. In retrospect I feel it was a

terrible mistake to allow her back into our lives for the last two years( I went

no contact about 4 years ago for the first time after my mother flew into a rage

and assaulted my grandmother (her own mother)). After much family persuading and

interventions I believed that she had changed and resumed contact. However...

all this was done as it were " blind " , because at that time I hadn't really

understood her problem, or the bit

parts we were all assigned in the grand tragedy of her life.

>

> Whilst doing some research I came across BDP and had a Eureka moment - It was

my entire life there and my relationship with my mother word for word. So having

intensely read up on it I felt better equipped to make my choices this time

round. I regretted allowing her back into our lives, and cursed myself for

having allowed her anywhere near my child. Over that time she showed she hadn't

really changed. It is especially worrying that she may have had a negative

influence on my child during that time.

>

> So having told her it was no contact she has a hard time accepting it. She

texted me and emailed me several times. I said I was not interested in giving

her another chance and that I may reconsider if she had therapy. She texted

saying that she now signed up for therapy. I responded that I thought it would

be a long term process and wished her luck. She turned up several times with her

husband, but thankfully stayed in the car outside whilst he delivered stuff on

her behalf - flowers and vegetables form my allotment, which she took over, and

which I hadn't asked for. We then had a bit of a wrangle getting her to return

the keys to my house (how abnormal is that, having keys to your adult children's

homes?) It was returned by proxy, her current husband. He came in and had a long

moan to me about how he just couldn't take it all anymore and did not know what

to do. He is selling his house and wants a separation, or so he said at the

time) I explained

that I've reached my decision and he accepted that.

>

> Now he has done a u-turn and is constantly working on her behalf with trying

to organise " family meetings " , pretending that he misunderstood about the no

contact (he facilitated a meeting between her an my child when he took child to

a prearranged swimming class), telling me that he felt uncomfortable carrying on

a subterfuge with my child about why granny could not be seen, and texting my

husband behind my back when I reiterated that I though she was too mad to be

allowed near my child (at least that clarifies your thoughts he said) asking for

meeting to discuss situation urgently. All along implying that somehow he is

taking responsibility for fixing my bad attitude. My poor kid is totally

confused as to why granny is suddenly not around, and had a few good cries about

it, and is also genuinely fond of mothers husband as a sort of grandfatherly

figure, which is why I have initially been fine with him remaining in touch and

occasionally taking my

child out to a class or the park for couple of hours.

>

> I feel that my mother has taken major advantage of the fact that I had a bad

pregnancy and was too ill to get around much, and the fact that I am to give

birth at any point now. So because I ill advisedly depended on her to help with

my child she though she could completely dominate our relationship as prior to

the first No Contact period.

>

> I am non stop worried that she will turn up at my home, or child's school, or

anywhere really, and cause another scene, and feel that her husbands behaviour

gives her validation she would otherwise lack, and undermines me. I am also sick

of being pressured by him and my family to give her another chance and consider

how she is feeling, and by the high handed parochial approach taken by her

current husband, who somehow feels entitled to meddle in all this. There are a

lot of strange relationships here and she is relentless at lying about

everything she does / did. In fact she does not seem to recall her rages very

well and is always a victim in all her relationships. For example, I caused her

to rage by questioning her perfectly natural grandmotherly behaviour on that

occasion, or she never physically assaulted her own 90 year old mother, etc, or

when I would challenge her insane look at reality (views about how others treat

her, or her religious sect,

or what she's been getting up to with my child when she was looking after it

she would just frequently outright lie). Or, for example, just prior to her blow

up, she told me how she with difficulty refrained from shouting at her husband

when he slunk home " like a beaten dog " in the early hours of the morning and did

not even say hello to her just went straight upstairs, how dared he, she should

have had a go (this is the day he learned his mother had cancer and spent time

with her). So I challenged her and said that she seemed to have absolutely no

empathy for his situation at all. I told her calmly how selfish she sounded to a

bystander. She started sobbing and telling me how it was just too much to take

for her, what with my mentally ill brother (whom she does not look after by the

way, her husband does it all, their house sale and just everything - and I just

said that she had a terrible tendency to wallow and wind herself up and enjoy

her tragic

moments, and that not everything that happened in the world was all about her).

Anyway, looking back at it perhaps it's not surprising that she decided to blow

up at me later.

>

> E.g.: I asked her not to mention her religious views to my child - she flatly

ignored that for that last two years and lied every time she was challenged

about it. She recently started calling herself " pretend mommy " to my child, I'm

not sure why. To hear my child repeat these absurdities is just so offensive to

me.

>

> I think I wish she would seriously just drop dead and leave me in peace. I

think that I hate her, deeply hate her, for he first time in my life, now that

I've opened my eyes to the reality of all that she had done to me and my brother

(who by the way is mentally ill with schizophrenia), how she had perverted what

motherhood ought to be, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and know that nothing

good would ever come out of continuing a relationship with her (which would

require me to totally basically monitor all her behaviour at all times anyway,

and I'm definitely not interested in doing that).

>

> So how do I just come down and not allow all this to upset me any more? What

is the best way to get rid of her and remove her from my and my child's life,

without worrying about what she might or might not do next? She lives very near

by, I'm thinking of moving away!

>

> Has anyone else faced this particular situation or a similar situation and how

did they resolve it? Advice appreciated.

>

> Andie

>