Going to see my BPD and feel at peace about it (weird).

[Guest guest]

Ok folks,

For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is compiled of

my parents and many siblings between elementary age to 20-somethings).

Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not close to

anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too close of a

relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck it. I am the

BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share her pain of

having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my siblings and

extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice and

for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my parents. It put

me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary helped a lot.

Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been doing a

LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to reduce

people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of feeling

obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed up due

to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save them "

anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save myself

and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose to).

I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past, because I

feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be really

stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic about

the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right now).

The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my siblings.

They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be vulnerable with. If

we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards about if we talked

about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her manipulative ways of

making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And of course if they

feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my mom's.

I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own car so

I can leave at anytime.

So here's my Game Plan:

- I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the kids and

have friendly chatter with my parents.

- I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone (especially

anything about mom).

- When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to make

herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I don't

know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

- Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she could

do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel her

" tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

- If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel and

catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my siblings

feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you guys!!

You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be nice

to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the phone...she

misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know how to handle

it.

And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm there

which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your advice or

tricks for visiting the BPD too!

[Guest guest]

Good luck to you!  I like your thorough game plan!  I'm actually going to hold

on to this plan to refer to it before my own visit to my family next summer. 

It sounds like you've covered all the bases.

 

Let us know how it goes. 

Subject: Going to see my BPD and feel at peace about it

(weird).

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, September 10, 2012, 10:35 PM

 

Ok folks,

For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is compiled of

my parents and many siblings between elementary age to 20-somethings).

Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not close to

anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too close of a

relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck it. I am the

BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share her pain of

having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my siblings and

extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice and

for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my parents. It put

me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary helped a lot.

Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been doing a

LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to reduce

people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of feeling

obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed up due

to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save them "

anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save myself

and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose to).

I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past, because I

feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be really

stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic about the

visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right now).

The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my siblings. They

are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be vulnerable with. If we

spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards about if we talked about

her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her manipulative ways of making sure

they know how much she hurts because of me. And of course if they feel pressured

to " choose sides, " they have to choose my mom's.

I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own car so

I can leave at anytime.

So here's my Game Plan:

- I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the kids and

have friendly chatter with my parents.

- I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone (especially

anything about mom).

- When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to make

herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I don't

know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

- Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she could

do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel her

" tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

- If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel and

catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my siblings

feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you guys!!

You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be nice

to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the phone...she

misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know how to handle

it.

And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm there

which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your advice or

tricks for visiting the BPD too!

[Guest guest]

Thanks B! : )

> **

>

>

> Good luck to you! I like your thorough game plan! I'm actually going to

> hold on to this plan to refer to it before my own visit to my family next

> summer. It sounds like you've covered all the bases.

>

> Let us know how it goes.

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Going to see my BPD and feel at peace about

> it (weird).

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Monday, September 10, 2012, 10:35 PM

>

>

>

>

> Ok folks,

>

> For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is

> compiled of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to

> 20-somethings).

>

> Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not close

> to anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too

> close of a relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will

> wreck it. I am the BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made

> sure to share her pain of having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered

> daughter with my siblings and extended family...no one talks to me, but the

> " pray " for me).

>

> Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice

> and for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my

> parents. It put me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary

> helped a lot.

>

> Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been

> doing a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to

> reduce people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead

> of feeling obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my

> root. "

>

> It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

>

> Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed

> up due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to

> " save them " anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can

> only save myself and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they

> ever choose to).

>

> I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past,

> because I feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be

> really stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost

> apathetic about the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at

> least right now).

>

> The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my

> siblings. They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be

> vulnerable with. If we spend time together, my mom will drill them

> afterwards about if we talked about her. If I get too close to them, my mom

> has her manipulative ways of making sure they know how much she hurts

> because of me. And of course if they feel pressured to " choose sides, " they

> have to choose my mom's.

>

> I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own

> car so I can leave at anytime.

>

> So here's my Game Plan:

> - I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the

> kids and have friendly chatter with my parents.

>

> - I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

> (especially anything about mom).

>

> - When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to

> make herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer

> " Gosh I don't know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

>

> - Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she

> could do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I

> feel her " tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and

> mood turn negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly

> early (I own my own business, so I can make up great excuses).

>

> - If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel

> and catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my

> siblings feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

>

> I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you

> guys!!

>

> You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be

> nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

> phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I

> know how to handle it.

>

> And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm

> there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

>

> I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your

> advice or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Good luck! Having the game plan is such a great help!!

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of peacefulwarriorwoman

Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 9:36 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Going to see my BPD and feel at peace about it

(weird).

Ok folks,

For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is compiled

of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to 20-somethings).

Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not close

to anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too

close of a relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will

wreck it. I am the BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made

sure to share her pain of having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered

daughter with my siblings and extended family...no one talks to me, but the

" pray " for me).

Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice

and for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my parents.

It put me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary helped a

lot.

Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been

doing a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to

reduce people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead

of feeling obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my

root. "

It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed up

due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save

them " anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save

myself and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever

choose to).

I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past, because

I feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be really

stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic about

the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right now).

The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my siblings.

They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be vulnerable with.

If we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards about if we

talked about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her manipulative

ways of making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And of

course if they feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my

mom's.

I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own

car so I can leave at anytime.

So here's my Game Plan:

- I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the kids

and have friendly chatter with my parents.

- I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

(especially anything about mom).

- When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to make

herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I

don't know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

- Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she

could do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I

feel her " tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and

mood turn negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly

early (I own my own business, so I can make up great excuses).

- If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel and

catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my

siblings feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you guys!!

You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be

nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I

know how to handle it.

And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm

there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your advice

or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

[Guest guest]

Excellent planning!! Thanks for giving me some ideas on how to handle things

when I go back to Florida in Dec.(Hubby and I live overseas.) Hope you don't

mind if I steal some of them. I think you are being really pro-active.

>

> Ok folks,

>

> For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is compiled

of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to 20-somethings).

>

> Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not close to

anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too close of a

relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck it. I am the

BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share her pain of

having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my siblings and

extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

>

> Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice and

for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my parents. It put

me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary helped a lot.

>

> Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been doing

a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to reduce

people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of feeling

obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

>

> It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

>

> Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed up

due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save them "

anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save myself

and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose to).

>

> I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past, because I

feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be really

stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic about

the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right now).

>

> The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my siblings.

They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be vulnerable with. If

we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards about if we talked

about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her manipulative ways of

making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And of course if they

feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my mom's.

>

> I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own car

so I can leave at anytime.

>

> So here's my Game Plan:

> - I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the kids

and have friendly chatter with my parents.

>

> - I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

(especially anything about mom).

>

> - When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to make

herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I don't

know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

>

> - Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she could

do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel her

" tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

>

> - If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel and

catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my siblings

feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

>

> I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you guys!!

>

> You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be

nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know

how to handle it.

>

> And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm

there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

>

> I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your advice

or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

>

[Guest guest]

I think it's great that you can go and be present in your sibs lives. I think

there are a lot of us who wish someone had showed up in ours. Bravo and Good

luck!

Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

Wow. Thanks for the encouragement. J, I appreciate your comment that I'm

being present in my siblings lives. I have struggled to feel that way this

last year. But I think you are right.

My siblings are guarded with me. Some of it is my fault because I would try

to " save them " in the past (by giving them parenting-type advice and

talking about the family dynamics).

I'm 15 to 25 years older than most of my siblings and studied psychology in

college/grad school. So I would try to help them.

But I have finally accepted we all must choose to either face or avoid our

pain. They have their own roads to walk down and I have to wait and see if

any of them will allow me into their lives as they become adults.

It sucks...but it's reality.

Someone reminded me the other day 3 out of 4 homes are pretty

dysfunctional/abusive. So they just have to face life.

My siblings will see I have changed. And just being present is all I need

to do. I have no expectations that we'll grow closer over the weekend. But

I'll at least make a point to say hello to all of them. And then see what

happens from there.

After all the only person we can change is ourselves. But our change can

inspire others.

> **

>

>

> I think it's great that you can go and be present in your sibs lives. I

> think there are a lot of us who wish someone had showed up in ours. Bravo

> and Good luck!

>

> Sent from my iPhone

>

>