temporary moment of lucidity?

[Guest guest]

I was at my mother's house Sunday for our twice monthly visit.  It's funny, she

likes for my girls and I to come over so she can see how they're doing but the

whole time she spends the time talking frenetically in a language other than

English to me. I understand her but the girls can't.  It's actually pretty

hilarious when you think about it. For them, " visiting grandma " means pack

something like your iPod or a long book to keep you busy during the " visit. "

Anyhoo, even though nada did her usual " your girls haven't even hugged me

properly " and weird paranoid ruminating about her neighbors, I was kind of

struck by how vulnerable she seemed to me. 

She told me my brother had spoken to her earlier in the day and that he'd told

her he needs his own life, some space from her, and that she needs to be more

social with her friends and not entirely on him.  I know how hard that must have

been for him and she clearly looked hurt.  Throughout our brief visit, she said,

" I don't know what's wrong with me. What do I do that pushes people away? I

don't know why I blow up at people so much. I just feel this anxiousness inside

me and when people don't understand something I'm trying to explain, I get

impatient and yell at them. "  It's like she was talking to herself, she wasn't

really asking me and I offered no answers.

I have to say, fellow KOs, I was speechless at that small insight she had of

herself. For her, that was HUGE. I'm sure the statement by my brother---her one

constant, I guess---brought out these questions in her, I don't know.

I didn't seize upon it. I was afraid of ruining the moment and really, if she

wants to pursue it, she will, she'll know she needs to.

I mean, I know this doesn't mean she's definitely changing or changed, but it

was nice for that day to hear her asking the right questions.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

I do think that they have lucid moments. There are many times that my uBPD

mom can be normal, rational and I'm able to talk to her about things that

I'm feeling without her going crazy on me. However, there seems to be a

reset button in their head and when they wake up the next day they have no

memory of the conversation. It is really frustrating, but it was probably

better you didn't say anything because you would be so disappointed when she

did nothing about it and then twisted the conversation against you later. I

have been able to say my heart to her and she accepts it and seems

remorseful for hurting me and then in a day or two it becomes a full rant

because she now has ammunition!

Hopefully she'll take steps. . . . it could happen, right???

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Fiona

Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 7:07 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: temporary moment of lucidity?

I was at my mother's house Sunday for our twice monthly visit. It's funny,

she likes for my girls and I to come over so she can see how they're doing

but the whole time she spends the time talking frenetically in a language

other than English to me. I understand her but the girls can't. It's

actually pretty hilarious when you think about it. For them, " visiting

grandma " means pack something like your iPod or a long book to keep you busy

during the " visit. "

Anyhoo, even though nada did her usual " your girls haven't even hugged me

properly " and weird paranoid ruminating about her neighbors, I was kind of

struck by how vulnerable she seemed to me.

She told me my brother had spoken to her earlier in the day and that he'd

told her he needs his own life, some space from her, and that she needs to

be more social with her friends and not entirely on him. I know how hard

that must have been for him and she clearly looked hurt. Throughout our

brief visit, she said, " I don't know what's wrong with me. What do I do that

pushes people away? I don't know why I blow up at people so much. I just

feel this anxiousness inside me and when people don't understand something

I'm trying to explain, I get impatient and yell at them. " It's like she was

talking to herself, she wasn't really asking me and I offered no answers.

I have to say, fellow KOs, I was speechless at that small insight she had of

herself. For her, that was HUGE. I'm sure the statement by my brother---her

one constant, I guess---brought out these questions in her, I don't know.

I didn't seize upon it. I was afraid of ruining the moment and really, if

she wants to pursue it, she will, she'll know she needs to.

I mean, I know this doesn't mean she's definitely changing or changed, but

it was nice for that day to hear her asking the right questions.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

My nada once admitted to me that she favored my brother and

didn't appreceiate all the things I did for her and that acting

that way was unfair to me. Saying that didn't stop her from

acting badly later in the day though. It was like she had a

moment of clarity when she could see that her behavior was

unreasonable and then she went back to her normal thinking

patterns and forgot all about it. It was nice to hear her say it

even if it didn't change anything.

At 09:06 AM 09/11/2012 Fiona wrote:

>I was at my mother's house Sunday for our twice monthly

>visit. It's funny, she likes for my girls and I to come over

>so she can see how they're doing but the whole time she spends

>the time talking frenetically in a language other than English

>to me. I understand her but the girls can't. It's actually

>pretty hilarious when you think about it. For them, " visiting

>grandma " means pack something like your iPod or a long book to

>keep you busy during the " visit. "

>

>Anyhoo, even though nada did her usual " your girls haven't even

>hugged me properly " and weird paranoid ruminating about her

>neighbors, I was kind of struck by how vulnerable she seemed to

>me.

>

>She told me my brother had spoken to her earlier in the day and

>that he'd told her he needs his own life, some space from her,

>and that she needs to be more social with her friends and not

>entirely on him. I know how hard that must have been for him

>and she clearly looked hurt. Throughout our brief visit, she

>said, " I don't know what's wrong with me. What do I do that

>pushes people away? I don't know why I blow up at people so

>much. I just feel this anxiousness inside me and when people

>don't understand something I'm trying to explain, I get

>impatient and yell at them. " It's like she was talking to

>herself, she wasn't really asking me and I offered no answers.

>

>I have to say, fellow KOs, I was speechless at that small

>insight she had of herself. For her, that was HUGE. I'm sure

>the statement by my brother---her one constant, I

>guess---brought out these questions in her, I don't know.

>

>I didn't seize upon it. I was afraid of ruining the moment and

>really, if she wants to pursue it, she will, she'll know she

>needs to.

>

>I mean, I know this doesn't mean she's definitely changing or

>changed, but it was nice for that day to hear her asking the

>right questions.

>

>Fiona

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

It sounds wonderful that your mom had those few unguarded moments in front of

you--you saw some humanity and vulnerability. You were probably right to not

seize the moment--she probably would resent you noticing later on when her

defenses were back in place.

>

> I was at my mother's house Sunday for our twice monthly visit.  It's funny,

she likes for my girls and I to come over so she can see how they're doing but

the whole time she spends the time talking frenetically in a language other than

English to me. I understand her but the girls can't.  It's actually pretty

hilarious when you think about it. For them, " visiting grandma " means pack

something like your iPod or a long book to keep you busy during the " visit. "

>

> Anyhoo, even though nada did her usual " your girls haven't even hugged me

properly " and weird paranoid ruminating about her neighbors, I was kind of

struck by how vulnerable she seemed to me. 

>

> She told me my brother had spoken to her earlier in the day and that he'd told

her he needs his own life, some space from her, and that she needs to be more

social with her friends and not entirely on him.  I know how hard that must have

been for him and she clearly looked hurt.  Throughout our brief visit, she said,

" I don't know what's wrong with me. What do I do that pushes people away? I

don't know why I blow up at people so much. I just feel this anxiousness inside

me and when people don't understand something I'm trying to explain, I get

impatient and yell at them. "  It's like she was talking to herself, she wasn't

really asking me and I offered no answers.

>

> I have to say, fellow KOs, I was speechless at that small insight she had of

herself. For her, that was HUGE. I'm sure the statement by my brother---her one

constant, I guess---brought out these questions in her, I don't know.

>

> I didn't seize upon it. I was afraid of ruining the moment and really, if she

wants to pursue it, she will, she'll know she needs to.

>

> I mean, I know this doesn't mean she's definitely changing or changed, but it

was nice for that day to hear her asking the right questions.

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I think I shouldn't expect a great wave of change. It was just a brief

ray of sunshine to be enjoyed for that moment!

> >I was at my mother's house Sunday for our twice monthly

> >visit. It's funny, she likes for my girls and I to come over

> >so she can see how they're doing but the whole time she spends

> >the time talking frenetically in a language other than English

> >to me. I understand her but the girls can't. It's actually

> >pretty hilarious when you think about it. For them, " visiting

> >grandma " means pack something like your iPod or a long book to

> >keep you busy during the " visit. "

> >

> >Anyhoo, even though nada did her usual " your girls haven't even

> >hugged me properly " and weird paranoid ruminating about her

> >neighbors, I was kind of struck by how vulnerable she seemed to

> >me.

> >

> >She told me my brother had spoken to her earlier in the day and

> >that he'd told her he needs his own life, some space from her,

> >and that she needs to be more social with her friends and not

> >entirely on him. I know how hard that must have been for him

> >and she clearly looked hurt. Throughout our brief visit, she

> >said, " I don't know what's wrong with me. What do I do that

> >pushes people away? I don't know why I blow up at people so

> >much. I just feel this anxiousness inside me and when people

> >don't understand something I'm trying to explain, I get

> >impatient and yell at them. " It's like she was talking to

> >herself, she wasn't really asking me and I offered no answers.

> >

> >I have to say, fellow KOs, I was speechless at that small

> >insight she had of herself. For her, that was HUGE. I'm sure

> >the statement by my brother---her one constant, I

> >guess---brought out these questions in her, I don't know.

> >

> >I didn't seize upon it. I was afraid of ruining the moment and

> >really, if she wants to pursue it, she will, she'll know she

> >needs to.

> >

> >I mean, I know this doesn't mean she's definitely changing or

> >changed, but it was nice for that day to hear her asking the

> >right questions.

> >

> >Fiona

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, it was weird. It was like she was talking to herself.

I didn't say anything; I just looked away!

I think you're right, and somewhere deep inside, my gut knew I shouldn't open my

mouth, either!

> >

> > I was at my mother's house Sunday for our twice monthly visit.  It's funny,

she likes for my girls and I to come over so she can see how they're doing but

the whole time she spends the time talking frenetically in a language other than

English to me. I understand her but the girls can't.  It's actually pretty

hilarious when you think about it. For them, " visiting grandma " means pack

something like your iPod or a long book to keep you busy during the " visit. "

> >

> > Anyhoo, even though nada did her usual " your girls haven't even hugged me

properly " and weird paranoid ruminating about her neighbors, I was kind of

struck by how vulnerable she seemed to me. 

> >

> > She told me my brother had spoken to her earlier in the day and that he'd

told her he needs his own life, some space from her, and that she needs to be

more social with her friends and not entirely on him.  I know how hard that must

have been for him and she clearly looked hurt.  Throughout our brief visit, she

said, " I don't know what's wrong with me. What do I do that pushes people away?

I don't know why I blow up at people so much. I just feel this anxiousness

inside me and when people don't understand something I'm trying to explain, I

get impatient and yell at them. "  It's like she was talking to herself, she

wasn't really asking me and I offered no answers.

> >

> > I have to say, fellow KOs, I was speechless at that small insight she had of

herself. For her, that was HUGE. I'm sure the statement by my brother---her one

constant, I guess---brought out these questions in her, I don't know.

> >

> > I didn't seize upon it. I was afraid of ruining the moment and really, if

she wants to pursue it, she will, she'll know she needs to.

> >

> > I mean, I know this doesn't mean she's definitely changing or changed, but

it was nice for that day to hear her asking the right questions.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you go to see a moment of some " clarity " from your mom. I wanted to

echo what some others have said however... basically, take that moment with a

grain of salt. My bpd mom has had several dozen of those moments in my life, but

strangely, they truly only last for those moments, and it's as if she can never

connect the dots and realize how many times she has had to ask herself if

something is wrong. I have literally heard her say, many times, for more than 15

years things like " Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar, " or " I wish I were able to

be like other nice people, but i just can't help it, I know that I am mean, " or

" I still regret how my emotions made me less available as a parent when you were

growing up " or " I know I wasn't the best mom, but I tried my best " ... I could

go on and on. When she use to say these things, I would feel like it was a

turning point, a breakthrough moment, but the fact of the matter is, a person

can't control their personality disorder. She would be right back to negative

behavior withing 24 hours, and the most traumatizing episodes I've witnessed

from her her happened after some of her most lucid moments. If your mother is

one of the few who will be willing to go to treatment and stick with it long

term, that is really the only way that she might actually improve. It can be

such a good feeling to see them have this clear moment, but sometimes, that

makes it more painful than ever that they go right back to their old behavior,

unless you are already emotionally prepared for the reality that this moment of

clarity does not mean anything has changed. It's strange how this disorder shows

manifest itself in these waves of consciousness and rage... and it's tough to

deal with. Best of luck to you and your family.

> >

> > I was at my mother's house Sunday for our twice monthly visit. �It's

funny, she likes for my girls and I to come over so she can see how they're

doing but the whole time she spends the time talking frenetically in a language

other than English to me. I understand her but the girls can't. �It's actually

pretty hilarious when you think about it. For them, " visiting grandma " means

pack something like your iPod or a long book to keep you busy during the

" visit. "

> >

> > Anyhoo, even though nada did her usual " your girls haven't even hugged me

properly " and weird paranoid ruminating about her neighbors, I was kind of

struck by how vulnerable she seemed to me.�

> >

> > She told me my brother had spoken to her earlier in the day and that he'd

told her he needs his own life, some space from her, and that she needs to be

more social with her friends and not entirely on him. �I know how hard that

must have been for him and she clearly looked hurt. �Throughout our brief

visit, she said, " I don't know what's wrong with me. What do I do that pushes

people away? I don't know why I blow up at people so much. I just feel this

anxiousness inside me and when people don't understand something I'm trying to

explain, I get impatient and yell at them. " �It's like she was talking to

herself, she wasn't really asking me and I offered no answers.

> >

> > I have to say, fellow KOs, I was speechless at that small insight she had of

herself. For her, that was HUGE. I'm sure the statement by my brother---her one

constant, I guess---brought out these questions in her, I don't know.

> >

> > I didn't seize upon it. I was afraid of ruining the moment and really, if

she wants to pursue it, she will, she'll know she needs to.

> >

> > I mean, I know this doesn't mean she's definitely changing or changed, but

it was nice for that day to hear her asking the right questions.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >