Re: Going to see my BPD: Now I'm nervous

[Guest guest]

Hi Folks,

I leave tomorrow morning to see my BPD and family. I'm nervous. I spoke with

her on the phone today. Her tone changed when I said I planned to pick up some

groceries for myself on the way from the airport. And that I'm going to the

YMCA while I'm there.

She suddenly became stressed and frustrated. My family knows I've struggled with

an eating disorder and their " convenience-store-stocked " cupboards don't help.

So I'm picking up some healthier food. I've also come to love swimming. It's my

time to tune out the world, which will be necessary while I'm there.

My BPD-Waif mom is of course very controlling and the family is very enmeshed

family (I'm the only member who doesn't " drink their koolaid " ). So getting my

own groceries and taking time for myself is a form of rejection to her.

So it's already starting...her build-up of negativity. In a matter of time, her

feelings of rejection may turn into that classic BPD rage at me.

But taking care of myself is absolutely vital. And this weekend will be a great

practice for me to feel empathy without taking responsibility for her feelings.

Because I'm NOT going to sacrifice myself for her. Of course I'll eat a little

with my family during dinner (and eat my food on my own time so it's not as

awkward for them). And I won't be swimming during " family time. "

But when I need a break, I need a break. And if she can't handle that, then

I'll either stay in a hotel or catch the first flight home.

> >

> > Ok folks,

> >

> > For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is compiled

of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to 20-somethings).

> >

> > Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not close

to anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too close

of a relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck it. I am

the BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share her pain

of having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my siblings and

extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

> >

> > Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice

and for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my parents. It

put me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary helped a lot.

> >

> > Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been

doing a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to

reduce people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of

feeling obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

> >

> > It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

> >

> > Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed up

due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save them "

anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save myself

and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose to).

> >

> > I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past, because

I feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be really

stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic about

the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right now).

> >

> > The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my siblings.

They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be vulnerable with. If

we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards about if we talked

about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her manipulative ways of

making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And of course if they

feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my mom's.

> >

> > I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own

car so I can leave at anytime.

> >

> > So here's my Game Plan:

> > - I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the kids

and have friendly chatter with my parents.

> >

> > - I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

(especially anything about mom).

> >

> > - When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to make

herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I don't

know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

> >

> > - Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she

could do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel

her " tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

> >

> > - If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel and

catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my siblings

feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

> >

> > I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you

guys!!

> >

> > You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be

nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know

how to handle it.

> >

> > And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm

there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

> >

> > I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your advice

or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi PWW,

Thumb's up!

It sounds like you are emotionally well-prepared for this trip and have a plan

in place to avoid getting swept up in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and escape

from emotionally abusive behaviors while visiting your foo.

I discovered that my nada was able to be pleasant and " normal " for about two

days during visits, but at some point during the third day (more or less;

sometimes nada was able to be nice for three or four days, depending on how

distracted and entertained she was) she'd start in with the signs of increasing

irritability, become controlling and demanding, start accusing me of being

whatever (messy, uncaring, not doing what she wanted me to do exactly the way

she wanted it done, etc.) aka critical, would begin interpreting even neutral

expressions on my face or the things I said negatively, would begin trying to

pick fights with me, etc.

Eventually I figured out that, hey, I could just cut the visit short at that

point; not in an ugly, vindictive way, but just kind of a " Well, its been nice

to see you, but gosh, I totally forgot my departure date, mom, gotta go now "

kind of way. But although I could remain detached and calm on the surface

(disconnecting from my emotions was my survival mechanism) on the inside I was

feeling gut-punched and the stress and tension would make me feel upset, angry,

and ill.

Best of luck to you, and I hope it works out that you can stay for the whole

visit, but that's great that you are prepared ahead of time to just do what you

need to do to protect yourself, in a responsible and mature way. That rocks!

-Annie

>

> Hi Folks,

>

> I leave tomorrow morning to see my BPD and family. I'm nervous. I spoke with

her on the phone today. Her tone changed when I said I planned to pick up some

groceries for myself on the way from the airport. And that I'm going to the

YMCA while I'm there.

>

> She suddenly became stressed and frustrated. My family knows I've struggled

with an eating disorder and their " convenience-store-stocked " cupboards don't

help. So I'm picking up some healthier food. I've also come to love swimming.

It's my time to tune out the world, which will be necessary while I'm there.

>

> My BPD-Waif mom is of course very controlling and the family is very enmeshed

family (I'm the only member who doesn't " drink their koolaid " ). So getting my

own groceries and taking time for myself is a form of rejection to her.

>

> So it's already starting...her build-up of negativity. In a matter of time,

her feelings of rejection may turn into that classic BPD rage at me.

>

> But taking care of myself is absolutely vital. And this weekend will be a

great practice for me to feel empathy without taking responsibility for her

feelings. Because I'm NOT going to sacrifice myself for her. Of course I'll eat

a little with my family during dinner (and eat my food on my own time so it's

not as awkward for them). And I won't be swimming during " family time. "

>

> But when I need a break, I need a break. And if she can't handle that, then

I'll either stay in a hotel or catch the first flight home.

[Guest guest]

OMG PeacfulWarrioirWoman,

Your nada sounds exactly like mine!  My heart goes out to you. I know what it

feels like to be ensnared in this kind of trap.  This is exactly why I have not

seen my nada in 14 years.  It's amazing....The sacrifice of one's life.  Not

being allowed to take care of oneself.  For me, being disowned, etc. for going

to the gym, bathing twice daily and not eating LASAGNA WITH MEAT!  

My nada once disowned me and my late DH for STAYING IN A MOTEL!  

It's like the nadas are clones!

Take care of YOU.  Eat well.  Work out.  Have a life.  A hotel room.  And

an open return plane ticket, (if you're flying).

Hugs,

-L

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 10:26 PM

Subject: Re: Going to see my BPD: Now I'm nervous

 

Hi Folks,

I leave tomorrow morning to see my BPD and family. I'm nervous. I spoke with

her on the phone today. Her tone changed when I said I planned to pick up some

groceries for myself on the way from the airport. And that I'm going to the

YMCA while I'm there.

She suddenly became stressed and frustrated. My family knows I've struggled with

an eating disorder and their " convenience-store-stocked " cupboards don't help.

So I'm picking up some healthier food. I've also come to love swimming. It's my

time to tune out the world, which will be necessary while I'm there.

My BPD-Waif mom is of course very controlling and the family is very enmeshed

family (I'm the only member who doesn't " drink their koolaid " ). So getting my

own groceries and taking time for myself is a form of rejection to her.

So it's already starting...her build-up of negativity. In a matter of time, her

feelings of rejection may turn into that classic BPD rage at me.

But taking care of myself is absolutely vital. And this weekend will be a great

practice for me to feel empathy without taking responsibility for her feelings.

Because I'm NOT going to sacrifice myself for her. Of course I'll eat a little

with my family during dinner (and eat my food on my own time so it's not as

awkward for them). And I won't be swimming during " family time. "

But when I need a break, I need a break. And if she can't handle that, then

I'll either stay in a hotel or catch the first flight home.

> >

> > Ok folks,

> >

> > For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is compiled

of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to 20-somethings).

> >

> > Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not close

to anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too close

of a relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck it. I am

the BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share her pain

of having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my siblings and

extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

> >

> > Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice

and for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my parents. It

put me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary helped a lot.

> >

> > Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been

doing a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to

reduce people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of

feeling obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

> >

> > It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

> >

> > Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed up

due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save them "

anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save myself

and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose to).

> >

> > I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past, because

I feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be really

stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic about

the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right now).

> >

> > The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my siblings.

They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be vulnerable with. If

we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards about if we talked

about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her manipulative ways of

making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And of course if they

feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my mom's.

> >

> > I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own

car so I can leave at anytime.

> >

> > So here's my Game Plan:

> > - I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the kids

and have friendly chatter with my parents.

> >

> > - I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

(especially anything about mom).

> >

> > - When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to make

herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I don't

know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

> >

> > - Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she

could do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel

her " tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

> >

> > - If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel and

catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my siblings

feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

> >

> > I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you

guys!!

> >

> > You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be

nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know

how to handle it.

> >

> > And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm

there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

> >

> > I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your advice

or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

> >

>