Guest guest Posted September 13, 2012 Report Share Posted September 13, 2012 I had a recent incident with nada where we were out together and I told her that evening was not good for a family visit and we should stick to our plan of having a family visit the following day. She walked away saying " I dont care " and she bascially raced me to my house. I was not happy, I made it clear to her that it was not acceptable. So of course she has done her usual splitting and I got blasted by my brother and father, both who agree she was wrong, but just lambasted me. I am going to sit down with nada and Saturday and want to have a solid plan in place. I can an email thread that followed this incident if it helps people see what I am dealing with. Thank you in avance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2012 Report Share Posted September 14, 2012 That is SO difficult when its not just one person, your bpd mom, that you're trying to set boundaries with, but your father and brother are enmeshed with and enabling your bpd mom's unacceptable behaviors and they're afraid to " rock the boat " and they want you to stop rocking the boat. So your bpd mom literally did not take " No " for an answer and literally raced you to your house to let herself in for a visit, even after you just said, " Tonight isn't a good night for a visit. " Holy Cow. Me personally, I think it works better to just implement the boundaries you set *in the moment*. Explaining your boundaries to her (like you would with a non-pd fellow adult) in the hope that she will understand and accept your reasons and needs and respect them, is kind of pointless. Your bpd mom is operating emotionally at the level of a spoiled two-year-old who isn't able to understand why she can't have ice cream before dinner; but just because the two- year-old then pitches a tantrum doesn't mean you give her the ice cream. That only teaches the two-year-old that tantrums are a really GREAT way to get what she wants, when she wants it. Setting up a schedule is good ( " I'm OK with having a family visit on x day each week, mom. " but you do not have to justify, argue, defend or explain your reasoning to her. And I recommend changing the locks on your doors and do not give bpd mom the new key. She should not be able to get into your home without your permission. You also are NOT obligated to stay on the phone and get your butt chewed out by either your father or your brother. The moment they start verbally lambasting you, you can politely but firmly just say your own version of " I'm sorry but this is between mother and me and I'm not going to discuss it with you. Thanks for understanding. Bye. " All of this requires you to have or create some emotional distance from your bpd mom, your dad and your brother, and to not accept the misplaced, inappropriate feelings of guilt they are attempting to saddle you with. Having your own needs and feelings, your own standards and rules regarding your own home and your own children and your own spouse is not bad or wrong! It does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Its not your job to manage your mother's feelings for her; you are not your mother's mommy or her servant. Your bpd mother is an adult and she is responsible for her own feelings, words and behaviors. Its OK to hand the feelings of guilt and responsibility back to their owner, they're not yours to carry. Setting and maintaining firm boundaries may result in an escalation of bad behaviors (sometimes called an " extinction burst " ) such as histrionic public tantrums, so be prepared for that emotionally, ahead of time, and remain firm, neutral, calm and polite. Keep in mind that you are the only adult in the room, so to speak, RE your bpd mom. I also suggest that you arm yourself with knowledge about bpd and other Cluster B pds; knowledge is power and its empowering. I recommend the reading list at the home site of this Group. I particularly found " Understanding The Borderline Mother " to be a breakthrough read for me. I haven't read " Boundaries " but it gets mentioned /recommended here a lot. Its hard to wrap our minds around the idea that grown woman's mature adult body with her adult level of intelligence, education and life experience is actually being " driven " by a two-year-old. So if you can manage a real two-year-old, then maybe try those techniques (in a loving way, not a condescending way) with your bpd mom. I hope that helps. -Annie > > I had a recent incident with nada where we were out together and I told > her that evening was not good for a family visit and we should stick to > our plan of having a family visit the following day. She walked away > saying " I dont care " and she bascially raced me to my house. I was not > happy, I made it clear to her that it was not acceptable. So of course > she has done her usual splitting and I got blasted by my brother and > father, both who agree she was wrong, but just lambasted me. > I am going to sit down with nada and Saturday and want to have a solid > plan in place. I can an email thread that followed this incident if it > helps people see what I am dealing with. > Thank you in avance. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2012 Report Share Posted September 14, 2012 My heat goes out to you...Don't expect miracles...She's a nada...And we're all here for you! Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2012 7:33 PM Subject: need some guidance  I had a recent incident with nada where we were out together and I told her that evening was not good for a family visit and we should stick to our plan of having a family visit the following day. She walked away saying " I dont care " and she bascially raced me to my house. I was not happy, I made it clear to her that it was not acceptable. So of course she has done her usual splitting and I got blasted by my brother and father, both who agree she was wrong, but just lambasted me. I am going to sit down with nada and Saturday and want to have a solid plan in place. I can an email thread that followed this incident if it helps people see what I am dealing with. Thank you in avance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2012 Report Share Posted September 14, 2012 When you say you're going to sit down with your nada on Saturday, do you mean you intend to have words with her about what your boudaries are in general? If so, the results are not likely to be pleasant or helpful. I agree with Annie's comments on that. You can't have a rational discussion about these things with a nada because nadas just aren't capable of thinking rationally about boundaries. The mere idea that you might want them to follow your rules tends to incite them to increased misbehavior. The plan I'd recommend having is one that specifies what you're going to do each time she violates your boundaries. How will you handle things if she follows you home again or otherwise shows up at your home? What will you do if she's nasty to you when you visit with her? As for your father and brother, they have chosen to be her flying monkees. If that's what they want to do, there's not much you can do about it other than enforce your boundaries with them too. They could choose to stand up to her and to defend you but they're too weak or they want peace with her at all costs or some other excuse. Your father is probably never going to see the light if he hasn't already but your brother might one day come to his senses. Until he does, I think you have to treat them both as a danger to your mental health. At 10:33 PM 09/13/2012 bpdparentssuck wrote: >I had a recent incident with nada where we were out together >and I told >her that evening was not good for a family visit and we should >stick to >our plan of having a family visit the following day. She walked >away >saying " I dont care " and she bascially raced me to my house. I >was not >happy, I made it clear to her that it was not acceptable. So of >course >she has done her usual splitting and I got blasted by my >brother and >father, both who agree she was wrong, but just lambasted me. >I am going to sit down with nada and Saturday and want to have >a solid >plan in place. I can an email thread that followed this >incident if it >helps people see what I am dealing with. >Thank you in avance. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 No, don t need a bit of added information. Her behaviors are so typically Nada. If you want advice / suggestions, here it is 1. You told her that was unacceptable. You need boundaries regarding unacceptable behavior. And it always involves consequences. It is just like disciplining a 3 year old. Consequences related to the behavior, and immediate, and consistant. EG, you violated my express with not to visit today, but do it tomorrow instead. You further violated me by relating the story to dad and bro and making me out as the villian for your misbehavior. Therefore: There will be no family time involving you, or phone conversations with you, for a period of ( You decide, perhaps a couple of weeks.) If you violate this, every time you call or show up uninvited, you will be turned away and it will add another 2 weeks to the LC time. Remember she is never going to act as the adult. Your choices are simple. You can be the adult, or you can let the 3 year old be in charge. 2. To Dad and Bro, of Flying Monkeys Inc. A simple communique. Mind your own Damn business. If you ever again come at me about how I deal with Mom, who you both know is messed up, there will be consequences for you as well. If I have to, I will write off my FOO ( family of origen) as hopelessly fractured, grieve that loss, and build a healthy life without them. I will NOT , under any circumstances, be pulled back into the web of Mom s emotional and personality disorder by her, or by you. If they violate this, enforce your boundaries. It sucks. But you can be either a victim, or an overcomer. Whether you are a victim of the witch directly, or you are dragged back to the castle by the Flying Monkeys, you still end up in a locked room with an hourglass, crying Aunty Em! Or, you can get yourself a bucket of mop water. Doug > > I had a recent incident with nada where we were out together and I told > her that evening was not good for a family visit and we should stick to > our plan of having a family visit the following day. She walked away > saying " I dont care " and she bascially raced me to my house. I was not > happy, I made it clear to her that it was not acceptable. So of course > she has done her usual splitting and I got blasted by my brother and > father, both who agree she was wrong, but just lambasted me. > I am going to sit down with nada and Saturday and want to have a solid > plan in place. I can an email thread that followed this incident if it > helps people see what I am dealing with. > Thank you in avance. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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