Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Hi Everyone, I just spoke to nada. She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis. She is going to the hospital tomorrow. And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home. Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles). But, as I knew, nada declined my offer. Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby. And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week. I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat. I feel like everything is caving in on me..... It's like a nightmare without an end. It's all or nothing - nada style. Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. Thanks for listening.... -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 I hope you will find a solution that works for you, dear. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Is there anyone in your area you can speak to who might have some alternative options for you to consider? Perhaps the training school you are attending has counseling available for the students? Perhaps a local church/synagogue/etc. has a pastor who would be able to give you some in-person counseling? Can you work just part-time, and continue with your school training part-time? If you really hate your condo, can you sell it and buy a different condo? Or sell the condo and just rent for a while, until you finish your schooling/training and get a full time job in the profession you're training in? Is it possible that your brother might enjoy living in a group home with other people his age, more than he enjoys living with your bpd mom who seems to keep him incarcerated like a prisoner? -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I just spoke to nada. She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis. She is going to the hospital tomorrow. And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home. > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles). But, as I knew, nada declined my offer. > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby. And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week. I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat. > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > It's all or nothing - nada style. Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > Thanks for listening.... > > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Hi Annie, Thanks for helping me think this through. I do think that my brother would enjoy his independence....Just don't like the words " respite home " . I started counseling last week.  Yet, I do need to talk to a pastor / priest for spiritual guidance.....I did talk to a pastor two weeks ago and he and also everyone in the congregation told me not go to to visit and not to live there. It's just so hard, knowing the outcome, and BEING IN THE SITUATION.  Renting is really not an option here b/c it's so expensive to live here.  And job market really stinks, but have one good possibility.  I just pray for a miracle.  It would be so much easier, if at least one aspect of life were working, i.e., aside from school.  I'm going to wait to see tomorrow's outcome.  Nada's demands are ridiculous. It's just so sad b/c under normal circumstances, you would want to be there for a parent going through this. But a normal parent would not expect you to sacrifice your life and then spew you out and disown you. If I were in relationship or had a job/income, I would not be a sitting duck. Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:19 PM Subject: Re: Critical Mass...  I hope you will find a solution that works for you, dear. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Is there anyone in your area you can speak to who might have some alternative options for you to consider? Perhaps the training school you are attending has counseling available for the students? Perhaps a local church/synagogue/etc. has a pastor who would be able to give you some in-person counseling? Can you work just part-time, and continue with your school training part-time? If you really hate your condo, can you sell it and buy a different condo? Or sell the condo and just rent for a while, until you finish your schooling/training and get a full time job in the profession you're training in? Is it possible that your brother might enjoy living in a group home with other people his age, more than he enjoys living with your bpd mom who seems to keep him incarcerated like a prisoner? -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I just spoke to nada.  She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis.  She is going to the hospital tomorrow.  And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home.  > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles).  But, as I knew, nada declined my offer.  > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby.  And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week.  I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat.  > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > It's all or nothing - nada style.  Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > Thanks for listening.... > > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Some more ideas for you to consider:  - Rent out your condo but keep it? - Focus on your education? Don't count on an inheritance? - Make a really fresh start and move closer, but not too close, to your family in a town with better job opportunities? - Visit your brother's respite homes and make sure he gets a good one? ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:41 PM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass...  Hi Annie, Thanks for helping me think this through. I do think that my brother would enjoy his independence....Just don't like the words " respite home " . I started counseling last week.  Yet, I do need to talk to a pastor / priest for spiritual guidance.....I did talk to a pastor two weeks ago and he and also everyone in the congregation told me not go to to visit and not to live there. It's just so hard, knowing the outcome, and BEING IN THE SITUATION.  Renting is really not an option here b/c it's so expensive to live here.  And job market really stinks, but have one good possibility.  I just pray for a miracle.  It would be so much easier, if at least one aspect of life were working, i.e., aside from school.  I'm going to wait to see tomorrow's outcome.  Nada's demands are ridiculous. It's just so sad b/c under normal circumstances, you would want to be there for a parent going through this. But a normal parent would not expect you to sacrifice your life and then spew you out and disown you. If I were in relationship or had a job/income, I would not be a sitting duck. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: anuria67854 To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:19 PM Subject: Re: Critical Mass...  I hope you will find a solution that works for you, dear. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Is there anyone in your area you can speak to who might have some alternative options for you to consider? Perhaps the training school you are attending has counseling available for the students? Perhaps a local church/synagogue/etc. has a pastor who would be able to give you some in-person counseling? Can you work just part-time, and continue with your school training part-time? If you really hate your condo, can you sell it and buy a different condo? Or sell the condo and just rent for a while, until you finish your schooling/training and get a full time job in the profession you're training in? Is it possible that your brother might enjoy living in a group home with other people his age, more than he enjoys living with your bpd mom who seems to keep him incarcerated like a prisoner? -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I just spoke to nada.  She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis.  She is going to the hospital tomorrow.  And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home.  > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles).  But, as I knew, nada declined my offer.  > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby.  And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week.  I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat.  > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > It's all or nothing - nada style.  Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > Thanks for listening.... > > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 It sounds like you have been programmed to believe you can't make it without her. My nada loves to throw around the " inheritance " like I will curl up and die without her help and " rescuing " . It must be especially hard now that you don't have your husband to lean on. Somehow my dh and I managed to get manipulated into buying our house WITH my parents. They live next door, and if we wanted to sell and move we have to buy them out, which actually puts us farther in the hole than when we bought it 15 years ago.I have no idea how we got conned into that one. It's even written up that if we die the house is left to my parents not my kids. Can't believe how stupid we have been. We're the ones who pay the mortgage, they paid the down payment. My dh and I have concluded yes we made some REALLY stupid choices but we would rather go back to nothing, than live a life owned by someone else. Please believe you can make it on your own. _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Sommer Sent: September-17-12 9:59 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Some more ideas for you to consider: - Rent out your condo but keep it? - Focus on your education? Don't count on an inheritance? - Make a really fresh start and move closer, but not too close, to your family in a town with better job opportunities? - Visit your brother's respite homes and make sure he gets a good one? ________________________________ From: Halloran laura.halloran@... > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:41 PM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Hi Annie, Thanks for helping me think this through. I do think that my brother would enjoy his independence....Just don't like the words " respite home " . I started counseling last week. Yet, I do need to talk to a pastor / priest for spiritual guidance.....I did talk to a pastor two weeks ago and he and also everyone in the congregation told me not go to to visit and not to live there. It's just so hard, knowing the outcome, and BEING IN THE SITUATION. Renting is really not an option here b/c it's so expensive to live here. And job market really stinks, but have one good possibility. I just pray for a miracle. It would be so much easier, if at least one aspect of life were working, i.e., aside from school. I'm going to wait to see tomorrow's outcome. Nada's demands are ridiculous. It's just so sad b/c under normal circumstances, you would want to be there for a parent going through this. But a normal parent would not expect you to sacrifice your life and then spew you out and disown you. If I were in relationship or had a job/income, I would not be a sitting duck. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: anuria67854 To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:19 PM Subject: Re: Critical Mass... I hope you will find a solution that works for you, dear. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Is there anyone in your area you can speak to who might have some alternative options for you to consider? Perhaps the training school you are attending has counseling available for the students? Perhaps a local church/synagogue/etc. has a pastor who would be able to give you some in-person counseling? Can you work just part-time, and continue with your school training part-time? If you really hate your condo, can you sell it and buy a different condo? Or sell the condo and just rent for a while, until you finish your schooling/training and get a full time job in the profession you're training in? Is it possible that your brother might enjoy living in a group home with other people his age, more than he enjoys living with your bpd mom who seems to keep him incarcerated like a prisoner? -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I just spoke to nada. She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis. She is going to the hospital tomorrow. And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home. > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles). But, as I knew, nada declined my offer. > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby. And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week. I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat. > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > It's all or nothing - nada style. Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > Thanks for listening.... > > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Can I just ask a question? Why are you letting your nada set the parameters on this? I realize that comes across harshly in email, please know that I truly do not mean it harshly at all! I know that for me, before I went NC, I was often in turmoil from feeling like I couldn't do things I wanted to do unless I did the according to nada's unreasonable demands/instructions. It was really freeing to realize...hey, I'm an adult, I've proven to myself that am capable, and she doesn't get to run my world any longer. To be sure...it was difficult because I knew that making my own life decisions without her micromanaging or without following her rules would cause her to blow up...but she was going to find a reason to blow up anyway. It seems like right now you feel similarly...maybe I am misunderstanding? You'd like to make a visit to nada/your brother but believe the only options ate to do it her way or not at all? You do have other options...though I know it can be so impossibly hard to directly challenge a nada, and that is completely valid. I just want you to know that if what you really want to do is go out there for a few days (and then return to your own home), you do have that right. At some point...you get to make the rules for your life instead of allowing nada to do so. It can take time to feel like that is okay to do...and it is okay if that is not where you are at. Ninera ----- Reply message ----- Date: Mon, Sep 17, 2012 9:58 am Subject: Re: Critical Mass... To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Hi Gagne, You've " nailed " it....The inheritance and not being able to financially survive w/o her... and not having my DH to lean on (or any other family members). And then being my brothers legal guardian.... With regard to your house/mortgage, hopefully you and DH will outlive your parents, so the house will be yours and then your children will inherit it. Â If I were in that situation, I would still check with a family attorney regarding the house and inheritance....I would check for every loophole.... Thanks! -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, September 17, 2012 7:09 AM Subject: RE: Re: Critical Mass... Â It sounds like you have been programmed to believe you can't make it without her. My nada loves to throw around the " inheritance " like I will curl up and die without her help and " rescuing " . It must be especially hard now that you don't have your husband to lean on. Somehow my dh and I managed to get manipulated into buying our house WITH my parents. They live next door, and if we wanted to sell and move we have to buy them out, which actually puts us farther in the hole than when we bought it 15 years ago.I have no idea how we got conned into that one. It's even written up that if we die the house is left to my parents not my kids. Can't believe how stupid we have been. We're the ones who pay the mortgage, they paid the down payment. My dh and I have concluded yes we made some REALLY stupid choices but we would rather go back to nothing, than live a life owned by someone else. Please believe you can make it on your own. _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Sommer Sent: September-17-12 9:59 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Some more ideas for you to consider: - Rent out your condo but keep it? - Focus on your education? Don't count on an inheritance? - Make a really fresh start and move closer, but not too close, to your family in a town with better job opportunities? - Visit your brother's respite homes and make sure he gets a good one? ________________________________ From: Halloran laura.halloran@... > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:41 PM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Hi Annie, Thanks for helping me think this through. I do think that my brother would enjoy his independence....Just don't like the words " respite home " . I started counseling last week. Yet, I do need to talk to a pastor / priest for spiritual guidance.....I did talk to a pastor two weeks ago and he and also everyone in the congregation told me not go to to visit and not to live there. It's just so hard, knowing the outcome, and BEING IN THE SITUATION. Renting is really not an option here b/c it's so expensive to live here. And job market really stinks, but have one good possibility. I just pray for a miracle. It would be so much easier, if at least one aspect of life were working, i.e., aside from school. I'm going to wait to see tomorrow's outcome. Nada's demands are ridiculous. It's just so sad b/c under normal circumstances, you would want to be there for a parent going through this. But a normal parent would not expect you to sacrifice your life and then spew you out and disown you. If I were in relationship or had a job/income, I would not be a sitting duck. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: anuria67854 To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:19 PM Subject: Re: Critical Mass... I hope you will find a solution that works for you, dear. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Is there anyone in your area you can speak to who might have some alternative options for you to consider? Perhaps the training school you are attending has counseling available for the students? Perhaps a local church/synagogue/etc. has a pastor who would be able to give you some in-person counseling? Can you work just part-time, and continue with your school training part-time? If you really hate your condo, can you sell it and buy a different condo? Or sell the condo and just rent for a while, until you finish your schooling/training and get a full time job in the profession you're training in? Is it possible that your brother might enjoy living in a group home with other people his age, more than he enjoys living with your bpd mom who seems to keep him incarcerated like a prisoner? -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I just spoke to nada. She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis. She is going to the hospital tomorrow. And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home. > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles). But, as I knew, nada declined my offer. > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby. And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week. I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat. > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > It's all or nothing - nada style. Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > Thanks for listening.... > > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Hi Ninera, It's like I conceptualize all of this and know the truth - that she cannot control me and my life - and then there are the current circumstance where everything is out of control. Evolution has proven that I can't be the sentient cow who walks into a slaughterhouse. Rather, I am afraid of the financial implications....and also of having to deal with everything when she is gone..... I'm not going to sell the condo, buy a one-way plane ticket, and quit school. Â Why can't a nada be normal toward the end of their life? Thanks! Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, September 17, 2012 7:18 AM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Â Can I just ask a question? Why are you letting your nada set the parameters on this? I realize that comes across harshly in email, please know that I truly do not mean it harshly at all! I know that for me, before I went NC, I was often in turmoil from feeling like I couldn't do things I wanted to do unless I did the according to nada's unreasonable demands/instructions. It was really freeing to realize...hey, I'm an adult, I've proven to myself that am capable, and she doesn't get to run my world any longer. To be sure...it was difficult because I knew that making my own life decisions without her micromanaging or without following her rules would cause her to blow up...but she was going to find a reason to blow up anyway. It seems like right now you feel similarly...maybe I am misunderstanding? You'd like to make a visit to nada/your brother but believe the only options ate to do it her way or not at all? You do have other options...though I know it can be so impossibly hard to directly challenge a nada, and that is completely valid. I just want you to know that if what you really want to do is go out there for a few days (and then return to your own home), you do have that right. At some point...you get to make the rules for your life instead of allowing nada to do so. It can take time to feel like that is okay to do...and it is okay if that is not where you are at. Ninera ----- Reply message ----- Date: Mon, Sep 17, 2012 9:58 am Subject: Re: Critical Mass... To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Thanks, , Those are all great ideas and boundaries. I could rent the condo, focus on school. If I were to move nearby and not live in nada's house, I would be disowned and disinherited. And if I were there, my brother would stay with me.  I would not have any choice in the matter. One thing comes to mind....RUN RUN RUN! Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, September 17, 2012 6:58 AM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass...  Some more ideas for you to consider:  - Rent out your condo but keep it? - Focus on your education? Don't count on an inheritance? - Make a really fresh start and move closer, but not too close, to your family in a town with better job opportunities? - Visit your brother's respite homes and make sure he gets a good one? ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:41 PM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass...  Hi Annie, Thanks for helping me think this through. I do think that my brother would enjoy his independence....Just don't like the words " respite home " . I started counseling last week.  Yet, I do need to talk to a pastor / priest for spiritual guidance.....I did talk to a pastor two weeks ago and he and also everyone in the congregation told me not go to to visit and not to live there. It's just so hard, knowing the outcome, and BEING IN THE SITUATION.  Renting is really not an option here b/c it's so expensive to live here.  And job market really stinks, but have one good possibility.  I just pray for a miracle.  It would be so much easier, if at least one aspect of life were working, i.e., aside from school.  I'm going to wait to see tomorrow's outcome.  Nada's demands are ridiculous. It's just so sad b/c under normal circumstances, you would want to be there for a parent going through this. But a normal parent would not expect you to sacrifice your life and then spew you out and disown you. If I were in relationship or had a job/income, I would not be a sitting duck. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: anuria67854 To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:19 PM Subject: Re: Critical Mass...  I hope you will find a solution that works for you, dear. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Is there anyone in your area you can speak to who might have some alternative options for you to consider? Perhaps the training school you are attending has counseling available for the students? Perhaps a local church/synagogue/etc. has a pastor who would be able to give you some in-person counseling? Can you work just part-time, and continue with your school training part-time? If you really hate your condo, can you sell it and buy a different condo? Or sell the condo and just rent for a while, until you finish your schooling/training and get a full time job in the profession you're training in? Is it possible that your brother might enjoy living in a group home with other people his age, more than he enjoys living with your bpd mom who seems to keep him incarcerated like a prisoner? -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I just spoke to nada.  She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis.  She is going to the hospital tomorrow.  And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home.  > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles).  But, as I knew, nada declined my offer.  > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby.  And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week.  I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat.  > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > It's all or nothing - nada style.  Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > Thanks for listening.... > > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 My recommendation would be to RUN AWAY too. I know you feel strong responsibilities but if you will end up losing yourself and end up miserable and depressed it is not worth it. However, you might ask your school where your credits can be transferred to and find another place to live that is cheaper but that you can still continue your education. There are great resources for renting out your condo. I used to have rental properties and have leases and applications etc. I could forward to you. There is a website for CitiCredit that will allow you to run credit reports on renters OR you can have a leasing company do it all for you if you're too far away to keep tabs on it. They usually take 10% so you'd have to determine if you have enough income to cover the leasing company and the mortgage. You have options that do not force you to turn over your life to care for your FOO if you know it will destroy you! jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Halloran Sent: Monday, September 17, 2012 9:08 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Thanks, , Those are all great ideas and boundaries. I could rent the condo, focus on school. If I were to move nearby and not live in nada's house, I would be disowned and disinherited. And if I were there, my brother would stay with me. I would not have any choice in the matter. One thing comes to mind....RUN RUN RUN! Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: Sommer gunnysacked@... > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, September 17, 2012 6:58 AM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Some more ideas for you to consider: - Rent out your condo but keep it? - Focus on your education? Don't count on an inheritance? - Make a really fresh start and move closer, but not too close, to your family in a town with better job opportunities? - Visit your brother's respite homes and make sure he gets a good one? ________________________________ From: Halloran laura.halloran@... > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:41 PM Subject: Re: Re: Critical Mass... Hi Annie, Thanks for helping me think this through. I do think that my brother would enjoy his independence....Just don't like the words " respite home " . I started counseling last week. Yet, I do need to talk to a pastor / priest for spiritual guidance.....I did talk to a pastor two weeks ago and he and also everyone in the congregation told me not go to to visit and not to live there. It's just so hard, knowing the outcome, and BEING IN THE SITUATION. Renting is really not an option here b/c it's so expensive to live here. And job market really stinks, but have one good possibility. I just pray for a miracle. It would be so much easier, if at least one aspect of life were working, i.e., aside from school. I'm going to wait to see tomorrow's outcome. Nada's demands are ridiculous. It's just so sad b/c under normal circumstances, you would want to be there for a parent going through this. But a normal parent would not expect you to sacrifice your life and then spew you out and disown you. If I were in relationship or had a job/income, I would not be a sitting duck. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: anuria67854 To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 3:19 PM Subject: Re: Critical Mass... I hope you will find a solution that works for you, dear. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Is there anyone in your area you can speak to who might have some alternative options for you to consider? Perhaps the training school you are attending has counseling available for the students? Perhaps a local church/synagogue/etc. has a pastor who would be able to give you some in-person counseling? Can you work just part-time, and continue with your school training part-time? If you really hate your condo, can you sell it and buy a different condo? Or sell the condo and just rent for a while, until you finish your schooling/training and get a full time job in the profession you're training in? Is it possible that your brother might enjoy living in a group home with other people his age, more than he enjoys living with your bpd mom who seems to keep him incarcerated like a prisoner? -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I just spoke to nada. She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis. She is going to the hospital tomorrow. And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home. > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles). But, as I knew, nada declined my offer. > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby. And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week. I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat. > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > It's all or nothing - nada style. Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > Thanks for listening.... > > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Perhaps to save money you could find a room-mate to share your condo and pay you rent? If there are two bedrooms and two bathrooms, maybe that is an option for you. -Annie > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > I just spoke to nada. Â She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis. Â She is going to the hospital tomorrow. Â And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home. Â > > > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles). Â But, as I knew, nada declined my offer. Â > > > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby. Â And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week. Â I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat. Â > > > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > > > It's all or nothing - nada style. Â Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > > > Thanks for listening.... > > > > -L > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Hi Annie and , The idea of renting it out is fine, only would not work to pay management company....Did numbers with accountant before, and it would be better to sell, rather than have management company.  It's a small one-bedroom, so roommate is not option.  Just heard from Nada.....It's a miracle....She is actually feeling better today!  She still can't climb stairs. She tried to get a doctor appt today, but the office is closed for Jewish holiday. I think that I need to take this one day at a time, if possible. Try to focus on me. Get as much help as possible. Thanks again for being there, listening and all of your support! Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, September 17, 2012 10:00 AM Subject: Re: Critical Mass...  Perhaps to save money you could find a room-mate to share your condo and pay you rent? If there are two bedrooms and two bathrooms, maybe that is an option for you. -Annie > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > I just spoke to nada.  She is not getting better with her sciatica / osteoporosis.  She is going to the hospital tomorrow.  And she is planning to have my mentally handicapped brother stay in a respite home.  > > > > Still, out of " moral obligation " I offered to come down for a few days (3000 miles).  But, as I knew, nada declined my offer.  > > > > Instead, she said in a somewhat-crying voice, " SELL THE CONDO AND COME DOWN....WE NEEEEED YOU! " > > > > The thought of my brother staying in a respite home, is too much for me. > > > > And I'm not going to phone the flying monkey social workers who tell me to come down for a few months and split me bad. > > > > The truth is that I have nothing to hold on to here. And I'm kind of depressed staying in my condo without my late hubby.  And I have another class next Saturday. And, as you know, my unemployment funding for training will expire next week.  I'm trying to get a job and stay afloat.  > > > > I feel like everything is caving in on me..... > > > > It's like a nightmare without an end. > > > > It's all or nothing - nada style.  Come down or get disowned, disinherited etc. > > > > Come down and sacrifice my life to take care of her and my brother. > > > > Thanks for listening.... > > > > -L > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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