Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few e-mails and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting waif-like from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was welcome to. Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait until she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my offer to allow her to go to the games. Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 I know I personally would give her the info, with a note like " FYI " but I am failing at the bpd relationship I currently have so I might not be much of a reliable source! > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few e-mails > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting waif-like > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > welcome to. > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait until > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my offer > to allow her to go to the games. > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Hi, If I were you I wouldn't try to " be the bigger person " . I think that's a trap and a touch narcissistic in a codependent way. If your mother is BPD then she wants to control you and to control your children. I wouldn't help her in any way. On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 8:30 PM, Renslow jwjrenslow@...>wrote: > ** > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few e-mails > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting waif-like > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > welcome to. > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait until > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my offer > to allow her to go to the games. > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 I have to agree that contacting her probably isn't a good idea, though I don't think you're being narcissistic -- I think you're still hoping that you can have a " normal " relationship with this person by acting in a normal (that is, considerate) way. Unfortunately I doubt it's going to work the way you want. Most likely, your mother is holding out deliberately on contacting you, hoping and expecting that you will be forced to approach her to get her to come to the game so that YOU won't feel like a " bad person " for excluding her. I would say -- don't play along.You told her she was welcome. She knows she needs the info if she wants to come. If she wants to come,she will ask you. Let her. If she doesn't ask, and later tries to claim that you " excluded " her, tell her that if she wanted to come, she only had to ask. This is a control game,and my nada plays is frequently (perhaps even " constantly " wouldn't be an overstatement.) During my current ongoing period of NC, I sent her a short email thanking her for something pleasant she did, on the grounds that good behavior should be rewarded in an attempt to encourage it, and also on the grounds of my wanting to be a " good person. " I also asked her where she had hidden my guitar. (A not-so-pleasant thing she did at about the same time.) I heard nothing from her for weeks, during which time I went and searched her place while she was out and located and reclaimed my guitar, since she didn't seem inclined to tell me where it was. A full FOUR WEEKS later, I finally got an email back from her saying she had no idea where my guitar was (remember, I had already located it in the closet where she'd hidden it behind some coats). She claimed she " hadn't checked her email in a month. " This is not remotely plausible -- she checks it daily. My best guess is that she took my thanking her for being nice and asking her to continue to be nice by revealing where my guitar was as a sign of weakness on my part, and that by her not answering, I would then be forced to send her more emails and she could ignore them, thus making it look like she was doing the NC to me. I foiled this without even really thinking much about it because I never actually expected a civil and reasonable response to my email, as that would have been totally out of character for her, so I sent it out as a sort of trial balloon and then wrote it off with no intention of ever following up. I haven't sent her an email since and don't intend to. I suspect your nada is playing a similar game. She'll sit there and play the victim, and if you send her an email with the info on the game she will know that she's gotten to you by making you feel like a bad person for " excluding " her. Call her bluff and keep on calling it, would be my advice, or she will use this tactic every single time she can from now on when you reveal that it works on you. Count on it. Best wishes. -- Jen H. On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 10:55 PM, Millicent Kunstler < millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > Hi, > > If I were you I wouldn't try to " be the bigger person " . I think that's a > trap and a touch narcissistic in a codependent way. If your mother is BPD > then she wants to control you and to control your children. I wouldn't help > her in any way. > > On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 8:30 PM, Renslow jwjrenslow@... > >wrote: > > > ** > > > > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few > e-mails > > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting > waif-like > > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > > welcome to. > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait > until > > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my > offer > > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > > > jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Thank you for your responses. . . I was confused about the narcissistic comment and wondered if it was referring to her refusal to e-mail me rather than my need to show my desire to be the adult. It is unfortunate that they cannot be trusted either. To hide your guitar, , and then claim she can't find it is so childish. I'm fairly certain she thinks she's ignoring me at this point so I'll refrain unless she asks where it is. I just hate playing games, and I know she is excellent at them. I am certain my nada has NPD/BPD just from all the things I've read here and in the books I found. It is just still hard to separate the normal side of her from the crazy side. I need to start the grieving process of letting my FOO go. I have wonderful in-laws with a huge family and my FOO is very small and has never been close so it shouldn't be too hard, I've just been programmed to be loyal to my FOO and it is so hard to reprogram. I'm starting therapy on Tuesday so I'm hopeful this will get a little easier. Thank you all for your comments, posts and help. It is so great to have people to encourage each other in a safe place. :-) jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Hawthorne Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 9:30 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Advice I have to agree that contacting her probably isn't a good idea, though I don't think you're being narcissistic -- I think you're still hoping that you can have a " normal " relationship with this person by acting in a normal (that is, considerate) way. Unfortunately I doubt it's going to work the way you want. Most likely, your mother is holding out deliberately on contacting you, hoping and expecting that you will be forced to approach her to get her to come to the game so that YOU won't feel like a " bad person " for excluding her. I would say -- don't play along.You told her she was welcome. She knows she needs the info if she wants to come. If she wants to come,she will ask you. Let her. If she doesn't ask, and later tries to claim that you " excluded " her, tell her that if she wanted to come, she only had to ask. This is a control game,and my nada plays is frequently (perhaps even " constantly " wouldn't be an overstatement.) During my current ongoing period of NC, I sent her a short email thanking her for something pleasant she did, on the grounds that good behavior should be rewarded in an attempt to encourage it, and also on the grounds of my wanting to be a " good person. " I also asked her where she had hidden my guitar. (A not-so-pleasant thing she did at about the same time.) I heard nothing from her for weeks, during which time I went and searched her place while she was out and located and reclaimed my guitar, since she didn't seem inclined to tell me where it was. A full FOUR WEEKS later, I finally got an email back from her saying she had no idea where my guitar was (remember, I had already located it in the closet where she'd hidden it behind some coats). She claimed she " hadn't checked her email in a month. " This is not remotely plausible -- she checks it daily. My best guess is that she took my thanking her for being nice and asking her to continue to be nice by revealing where my guitar was as a sign of weakness on my part, and that by her not answering, I would then be forced to send her more emails and she could ignore them, thus making it look like she was doing the NC to me. I foiled this without even really thinking much about it because I never actually expected a civil and reasonable response to my email, as that would have been totally out of character for her, so I sent it out as a sort of trial balloon and then wrote it off with no intention of ever following up. I haven't sent her an email since and don't intend to. I suspect your nada is playing a similar game. She'll sit there and play the victim, and if you send her an email with the info on the game she will know that she's gotten to you by making you feel like a bad person for " excluding " her. Call her bluff and keep on calling it, would be my advice, or she will use this tactic every single time she can from now on when you reveal that it works on you. Count on it. Best wishes. -- Jen H. On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 10:55 PM, Millicent Kunstler < millicentkunstler@... > wrote: > Hi, > > If I were you I wouldn't try to " be the bigger person " . I think that's a > trap and a touch narcissistic in a codependent way. If your mother is BPD > then she wants to control you and to control your children. I wouldn't help > her in any way. > > On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 8:30 PM, Renslow jwjrenslow@... > >wrote: > > > ** > > > > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few > e-mails > > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting > waif-like > > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > > welcome to. > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait > until > > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my > offer > > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > jwjrenslow@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Hi , I would enjoy the NC.  You have not been NC for very long.  I can guarantee that nada will contact you again.  They just like to play the game of making us wonder.  I once went NC for two years until nada phoned on her b'day.  And other times, she has repeatedly hung up on me. Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 8:43 PM Subject: RE: Advice  Thank you for your responses. . . I was confused about the narcissistic comment and wondered if it was referring to her refusal to e-mail me rather than my need to show my desire to be the adult. It is unfortunate that they cannot be trusted either. To hide your guitar, , and then claim she can't find it is so childish. I'm fairly certain she thinks she's ignoring me at this point so I'll refrain unless she asks where it is. I just hate playing games, and I know she is excellent at them. I am certain my nada has NPD/BPD just from all the things I've read here and in the books I found. It is just still hard to separate the normal side of her from the crazy side. I need to start the grieving process of letting my FOO go. I have wonderful in-laws with a huge family and my FOO is very small and has never been close so it shouldn't be too hard, I've just been programmed to be loyal to my FOO and it is so hard to reprogram. I'm starting therapy on Tuesday so I'm hopeful this will get a little easier. Thank you all for your comments, posts and help. It is so great to have people to encourage each other in a safe place. :-) jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Hawthorne Sent: Sunday, September 16, 2012 9:30 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Advice I have to agree that contacting her probably isn't a good idea, though I don't think you're being narcissistic -- I think you're still hoping that you can have a " normal " relationship with this person by acting in a normal (that is, considerate) way. Unfortunately I doubt it's going to work the way you want. Most likely, your mother is holding out deliberately on contacting you, hoping and expecting that you will be forced to approach her to get her to come to the game so that YOU won't feel like a " bad person " for excluding her. I would say -- don't play along.You told her she was welcome. She knows she needs the info if she wants to come. If she wants to come,she will ask you. Let her. If she doesn't ask, and later tries to claim that you " excluded " her, tell her that if she wanted to come, she only had to ask. This is a control game,and my nada plays is frequently (perhaps even " constantly " wouldn't be an overstatement.) During my current ongoing period of NC, I sent her a short email thanking her for something pleasant she did, on the grounds that good behavior should be rewarded in an attempt to encourage it, and also on the grounds of my wanting to be a " good person. " I also asked her where she had hidden my guitar. (A not-so-pleasant thing she did at about the same time.) I heard nothing from her for weeks, during which time I went and searched her place while she was out and located and reclaimed my guitar, since she didn't seem inclined to tell me where it was. A full FOUR WEEKS later, I finally got an email back from her saying she had no idea where my guitar was (remember, I had already located it in the closet where she'd hidden it behind some coats). She claimed she " hadn't checked her email in a month. " This is not remotely plausible -- she checks it daily. My best guess is that she took my thanking her for being nice and asking her to continue to be nice by revealing where my guitar was as a sign of weakness on my part, and that by her not answering, I would then be forced to send her more emails and she could ignore them, thus making it look like she was doing the NC to me. I foiled this without even really thinking much about it because I never actually expected a civil and reasonable response to my email, as that would have been totally out of character for her, so I sent it out as a sort of trial balloon and then wrote it off with no intention of ever following up. I haven't sent her an email since and don't intend to. I suspect your nada is playing a similar game. She'll sit there and play the victim, and if you send her an email with the info on the game she will know that she's gotten to you by making you feel like a bad person for " excluding " her. Call her bluff and keep on calling it, would be my advice, or she will use this tactic every single time she can from now on when you reveal that it works on you. Count on it. Best wishes. -- Jen H. On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 10:55 PM, Millicent Kunstler < millicentkunstler@... > wrote: > Hi, > > If I were you I wouldn't try to " be the bigger person " . I think that's a > trap and a touch narcissistic in a codependent way. If your mother is BPD > then she wants to control you and to control your children. I wouldn't help > her in any way. > > On Sun, Sep 16, 2012 at 8:30 PM, Renslow jwjrenslow@... > >wrote: > > > ** > > > > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few > e-mails > > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting > waif-like > > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > > welcome to. > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait > until > > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my > offer > > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > jwjrenslow@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 I think you have handled this fine. You stated your boundary: supervised visits only. You stated that its OK for nada to attend the ball games in order to see the kids. Your nada knows the dates of each game. She can either phone you or perhaps she can phone the school to find out the location of each one, if she wishes to attend. So, that's pretty clear and straightforward. Your other boundary is that this can continue as long as your nada is civil and polite. If nada acts out in a negative way at one of these game-day visits, then game-day visits are not allowed any longer (or until you choose to reinstate them.) Me personally, to keep it simple, I suggest letting your nada contact you if she wants to attend a game; if you contact her, its like you are inviting her, which is not the idea you want to convey, correct? -Annie > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few e-mails > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting waif-like > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > welcome to. > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait until > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my offer > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 I agree. I am always trying to be nice, I think it is just an attempt at having a real relationship, and that is not such a bad thing, I am convinced that being nice does not require vulnerability, or allowing inappropriate behaviors to slide. my Nada even at her best manages to include little manipulations, and traps. This week in the family letter she asked how my daughter likes kindergarten, like it was urgent. (she covered it by listing everyone else's kids (we all had some that year) and how they like it, or that she did not know. she is so funny, she used to call me and ask those questions and get annoyed if I did not tell her enough. like that they were sooo smart and soooo impressive. she loves to hear how smart we all are and take credit for it. I asked my daughter on a whim and she stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry. then she said I likes it. Nada just wants me to call her. plain and simple. she could care less about my 5 year old, she just wants to hear how perfect she is. She never cared how I was doing or if I liked school so I have a hard time believing she cares now. the fact is I can't tell her the truth she wouldn't like it. the 5 year old is a sweet sensitive girl. (sensitive is a 4 letter word to Nada) and she comes home tired and crabby from school and eats and then takes a nap. sometimes she has a bit of a melt down if the food is not very exciting, or prepared wrong etc... My oldest (7) is doing better and better, but she had a tutor last year, did summer school and is in what they call " intervention " which is where they go to a class that is smaller, so they can catch up. I figure she is 7, and has a lot of time to figure it out, and I am not really worried about it, but I am not in the mood to hear my Nada tell me how wonderful and inspired she was with us, and listen to a lecture on parenting, and appreciating late bloomers. (I was a late bloomer,and NEVER had any help, but Nada forgot about that) she is full of advice based on what she likes to believe about herself. and rather likes cliches. I am learning (sometimes the hard way) that with Nada it is safest to base predictable outcomes on past experiences,and not what would be nice. Everyone does things differently and Nada's are no exception. Meikjn > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few > > e-mails > > > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting > > waif-like > > > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > > > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > > > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > > > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > > > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > > > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > > > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > > > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > > > welcome to. > > > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > > > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > > > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait > > until > > > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > > > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > > > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > > > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my > > offer > > > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > > > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 I'll add another vote for not emailing her. Remember that people with PDs always make you believe that you're the crazy one. Your nada has trained you from birth to take care of her. She treats you like you're her mother and it's your job to anticipate what she needs and provide it, like organizing her trips to the games. As for being the bigger person, my nada wields that one like a samurai sword. When her childish behavior succeeds in getting me upset, she says " if I'm behaving so badly, why are you stooping to my level? why not be the bigger person? if that's what you want me to do, you should do it yourself. " She has this little narcissist smirk whenever she feels like she's tied up the double bind perfectly- hurt me and covered herself like a pro. Jen, that's rotten about your guitar. You'd think hiding stuff would be such an obvious manipulation cliche, but that doesn't stop a nada. My brother called our nada a couple weeks ago and asked her to mail him his birth certificate, which he told her was in a particular envelope in a particular place in her (very organized) desk. She said, no she didn't see it. So he drove four hours to get it (it was where he said it was) and she tried to pressure him into staying the weekend. Also, he said my birth certificate is in the same envelope. She told me she didn't have it. > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few > > e-mails > > > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting > > waif-like > > > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > > > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > > > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries > which > > > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > > > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER > seek > > > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > > > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if > she > > > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > > > welcome to. > > > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > > > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and > I'm > > > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait > > until > > > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > > > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > > > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my > accusations, > > > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my > > offer > > > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > > > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 I would be hesitant to contact her; I wouldn't want her to interpret my initiation of contact to mean that she's welcome to come over and have the kids, etc. If you think your mother would not make that leap, then maybe you could text her the info? btw, nicely done, the way you spelled out your boundaries clearly with her. I was very impressed! > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few e-mails > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting waif-like > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > welcome to. > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait until > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my offer > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 " You stated that its OK for nada to attend the ball games in order to see the kids. Your nada knows the dates of each game. She can either phone you or perhaps she can phone the school to find out the location of each one, if she wishes to attend. So, that's pretty clear and straightforward. " This. She can phone the school to find out where the game is. It isn't your responsibility to supply her with that information. I wouldn't be surprised in the least, however, if she didn't show and then wailed that you didn't tell her where the game was. That's totally something my nada would do, anyway. > > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few e-mails > > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting waif-like > > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries which > > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER seek > > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if she > > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > > welcome to. > > > > > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and I'm > > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait until > > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my accusations, > > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my offer > > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > > > > > > > jwjrenslow@ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 It is amazing how nada's can be so different yet so the same!! Their personalities play in but it all boils down to selfish manipulation and control. I too am so sickened by how much I let her get away with and didn't confront or go NC before because of it. I think at some point early on I realized that anything that is remaining in her house has to be regarded as lost and have been more careful about no leaving things there. When we lived in another state and my DS when to visit her he left a shirt and some socks. I didn't find that out until the NEXT YEAR when we visited. REALLY? She came to visit a half a dozen times over that year and she could have brought the clothes. Of course, my DS grew out of the clothes and they had to be given away. They really don't care or they really believe everything is theirs and they don't have to be considerate or helpful to you in any way. " Elmtree " - she had no use for your birth certificates, but yet she held them because they were HER property by default. That is so incredibly frustrating! I need to be reminded of all these things when I start feeling sorry for her and the FOG rolls in. You guys are helping me stay strong!! Thanks!!! jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of elmtree_speaks Sent: Monday, September 17, 2012 6:12 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Advice I'll add another vote for not emailing her. Remember that people with PDs always make you believe that you're the crazy one. Your nada has trained you from birth to take care of her. She treats you like you're her mother and it's your job to anticipate what she needs and provide it, like organizing her trips to the games. As for being the bigger person, my nada wields that one like a samurai sword. When her childish behavior succeeds in getting me upset, she says " if I'm behaving so badly, why are you stooping to my level? why not be the bigger person? if that's what you want me to do, you should do it yourself. " She has this little narcissist smirk whenever she feels like she's tied up the double bind perfectly- hurt me and covered herself like a pro. Jen, that's rotten about your guitar. You'd think hiding stuff would be such an obvious manipulation cliche, but that doesn't stop a nada. My brother called our nada a couple weeks ago and asked her to mail him his birth certificate, which he told her was in a particular envelope in a particular place in her (very organized) desk. She said, no she didn't see it. So he drove four hours to get it (it was where he said it was) and she tried to pressure him into staying the weekend. Also, he said my birth certificate is in the same envelope. She told me she didn't have it. > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > I stopped verbally taking to my nada in July. We've exchanged a few > > e-mails > > > and she showed up to a football game my DS was playing in (acting > > waif-like > > > from my refusal to let her off the hook). After the game she e-mailed me > > > acting like nothing was wrong asking if she could have my DS over the > > > following weekend. I took the opportunity to tell her my boundaries > which > > > included no non-supervised visits with my children. I didn't go into my > > > concerns about her BPD (which is only my diagnosis - she would NEVER > seek > > > therapy) but I did tell her that I did not want to subject myself or my > > > children to verbal and emotional abuses any more. I explained that if > she > > > wanted to continue coming to DS's games to see my other children she was > > > welcome to. > > > > > > Since that time she has not e-mailed me, called or in any way tried to > > > contact me. My DS is having another game this week (2 week break) and > I'm > > > debating on whether to send an e-mail about where it is or just wait > > until > > > she contacts me to get the information. She has a schedule, but the > > > locations all say TBD (small school with no field of their own). I don't > > > want to contact her if she has not bothered to respond to my > accusations, > > > but yet I want to be the " bigger " person by following through with my > > offer > > > to allow her to go to the games. > > > > > > Any suggestions? I'm new to the whole BPD thing. . . I haven't really > > > experienced how the LC/NC works in the long term. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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