Am I The Bad One?

[Guest guest]

Hi guys.

I am a 28 year old woman with asperger's, adhd, dyspraxia, cognitive procesing

deficit and possible executive dysfunction- I still live with my parents because

i cannot work, and when I did try to work at Dillard's becaue they pressured me

to with constant talkings to and saying i hd t ohelp wit te hbills, i became so

stressed and ill i caught the flu and wsa hysterical all morning long going to

work and all night long coming from work becaue I knew i would havet ogo back

and it would probably never end. they claimed multipple times throughout my

life that i -only had adhd ( a fact my psycholigst later refuted, turns out I

was sooo right with my self-diagnosis) and to -stop acting autistic when they

used to get mad at me when I got mad or confused at them and they would chase me

into my room where I would hide in my closet. My reaciotn may have been extreme,

but it wasn;t to me. i was a child. a scared and angry child. tehy would yell at

me before work after a time, brecause the consoling did not work, they did that,

they claimed, to scare me into stopping my crying. to -herlp- me. like my

near-hysteria was a phase.

i am worried that I am the one with BPD insteaad of my mother, the way she

screams and cries.

a few days ago, becuase my mother had had an altercation wtih my father nad

becaue I hadn;t done soemting she wanted when she wanted it, she grabbed my

shirt where i was sitting IN MY ROOM, IN MY ROLY CHAIR At my laptop and dragged

me over to the doorway, by reaching over thedoggy gate i use to keep her cute

little chihuahua from peeing in my room.

She claimed she ws -at the end of her rope- and was -trying to drag me toward

her emotionally-. WTF? surely I am not to blame for being angry here. i do not

do chores all the time when she wants, but i do do some, almost every day the

same ones. I suck at cleaning, plus I am a libra/virgo/scorpio, if you wnat to

know my personality type. i ahte socializing after a while, i just can;t take

it. she wnats me to -show my love- for her. but i just.. i was afraid of her for

so long, adn my dad just can;t relate. he gets pissed whe nI confront him about

his own denied adhd and autism, and they both claim i have no boundaries for

them to cross becaue they own teh house and feed me and -love me-. they Do love

me, but, whatever they thin they love, it isn;t me. they are selfish. i am no

picnic either, but i try tohlep people when Ifeel drawn to, whe Ifeel lie i

could help a person in th ways i know I can. I ahd to self-daignose, remember.

ME. not them, who yelled amt becuae I did not understand. They, who belittled me

becaue I did not understand. I am not spotless, never think that. but I sure as

heck did not deserve how I am feeling these days. I was feeling better til

recently, and i ahve bee ntriyn the GFCF diet in an attemptto further clear my

autistic head fog due to probable allergies which, again, they only acknowledge

when they feel like it.

But i can;t get out. every option is closed to me, I feel like that is the case.

plus i get really upset when it;s late, and am doing so now for soem reason...

it must be becaue it's fall. I probably have seasonal affective. waht should i

do? am i saying things that would say that it si ME who is the bigger problem? i

scream and rage at them bloody murder because they will. not. listen. they

accuse me of being the crazy one, but she mindphucks my father wiht her wierd

twisty verbage, and they BOt hwere preconditioned forthis stuff by theier own

families. hat am I to do?

She said she would not take me up to the SS office again because Obamacare was

upheld. then she tok taht back a few weeks ago. i can;t trust THAt, either. the

people at the SS office couldn;t even help me answer one simple wuestion about

if my parents were correct in stating to me ( as their reason for not taking me

again) that their not taking me again was because in 2014 or so, Obamacare will

cease coverage at the SS offices for people like me. my psychologist is a nice

man, but he seems to be dragging in this area. he did say, however, that he sa

my point on some matters, and would tell anyone who asked that i did indeed have

asperger's.

sigh. I guess this is my dragon?

thigns lok so much more hopefless at night, it must be the daylight thing. why

is this so confusing for me to understand? how and in what wrong way am I

thinking? hwo cna I make myself feel better nad more clear-headed? besides

exercise. doo not mention exercise to me; i am sick of my house, sick of my

neighborhood. i want to live sonewhere els,e but at times it seems lie this is

the safest place t obe, the best choice out there. aht am I to do? i want to

hlep myself, because nobody else ever will. But i have no more tools to do it

with.

and all this may look different in the morning. stupid d deficiency.

[Guest guest]

You are not the bad one. If you are worrying about having BPD

yourself, it is very unlikely that you have it. One of its

symptoms is that people who have it don't believe they have a

problem and thus never suspect or admit they have it. You're

probably not perfect since none of us are, but what you describe

here is abuse. I don't think hiding in a closet was an extreme

reaction to having your parents yell at you and chase you around

for acting autistic when you are autistic. That must have been

terrifying and very confusing. Normal parents don't do things

like that to their children. Even if they didn't understand

about Asperger's, which was far less known when you were a

child, it must have been clear that you had issues and they

should have sought a proper diagnosis and tried to get you help

rather than yelling at you.

It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I

think you need to find some ways to be less at the mercy of your

parents. Have you checked on what help might be available to

you? Are there any organizations in your area that act as

advocates for the disabled or provide advice on where to go to

get services? Is there a way you can get rides to places like

the SS office from someone else? In my area, people who are old

or disabled can arrange for door-to-door rides to medical and

other important appointments through the local mass transit

company. If there's no official system for that type of thing in

your area there may be a volunteer organization that helps with

rides. Generally, less dependence on someone with BPD helps to

bring a clearer view of what is happening and what changes might

be made to improve the situation.

At 01:18 AM 09/18/2012 Time's Rampion (FKALenne) wrote:

>Hi guys.

>

> I am a 28 year old woman with asperger's, adhd, dyspraxia,

> cognitive procesing deficit and possible executive

> dysfunction- I still live with my parents because i cannot

> work, and when I did try to work at Dillard's becaue they

> pressured me to with constant talkings to and saying i hd t

> ohelp wit te hbills, i became so stressed and ill i caught the

> flu and wsa hysterical all morning long going to work and all

> night long coming from work becaue I knew i would havet ogo

> back and it would probably never end. they claimed multipple

> times throughout my life that i -only had adhd ( a fact my

> psycholigst later refuted, turns out I was sooo right with my

> self-diagnosis) and to -stop acting autistic when they used to

> get mad at me when I got mad or confused at them and they

> would chase me into my room where I would hide in my closet.

> My reaciotn may have been extreme, but it wasn;t to me. i was

> a child. a scared and angry child. tehy would yell at me

> before work after a time, brecause the consoling did not work,

> they did that, they claimed, to scare me into stopping my

> crying. to -herlp- me. like my near-hysteria was a phase.

>

>i am worried that I am the one with BPD insteaad of my mother,

>the way she screams and cries.

>

>a few days ago, becuase my mother had had an altercation wtih

>my father nad becaue I hadn;t done soemting she wanted when she

>wanted it, she grabbed my shirt where i was sitting IN MY ROOM,

>IN MY ROLY CHAIR At my laptop and dragged me over to the

>doorway, by reaching over thedoggy gate i use to keep her cute

>little chihuahua from peeing in my room.

>

>She claimed she ws -at the end of her rope- and was -trying to

>drag me toward her emotionally-. WTF? surely I am not to blame

>for being angry here. i do not do chores all the time when she

>wants, but i do do some, almost every day the same ones. I suck

>at cleaning, plus I am a libra/virgo/scorpio, if you wnat to

>know my personality type. i ahte socializing after a while, i

>just can;t take it. she wnats me to -show my love- for her. but

>i just.. i was afraid of her for so long, adn my dad just can;t

>relate. he gets pissed whe nI confront him about his own denied

>adhd and autism, and they both claim i have no boundaries for

>them to cross becaue they own teh house and feed me and -love

>me-. they Do love me, but, whatever they thin they love, it

>isn;t me. they are selfish. i am no picnic either, but i try

>tohlep people when Ifeel drawn to, whe Ifeel lie i could help

>a person in th ways i know I can. I ahd to self-daignose,

>remember. ME. not them, who yelled amt becuae I did not

>understand. They, who belittled me becaue I did not understand.

>I am not spotless, never think that. but I sure as heck did not

>deserve how I am feeling these days. I was feeling better til

>recently, and i ahve bee ntriyn the GFCF diet in an attemptto

>further clear my autistic head fog due to probable allergies

>which, again, they only acknowledge when they feel like it.

>

>But i can;t get out. every option is closed to me, I feel like

>that is the case. plus i get really upset when it;s late, and

>am doing so now for soem reason... it must be becaue it's fall.

>I probably have seasonal affective. waht should i do? am i

>saying things that would say that it si ME who is the bigger

>problem? i scream and rage at them bloody murder because they

>will. not. listen. they accuse me of being the crazy one, but

>she mindphucks my father wiht her wierd twisty verbage, and

>they BOt hwere preconditioned forthis stuff by theier own

>families. hat am I to do?

>

>She said she would not take me up to the SS office again

>because Obamacare was upheld. then she tok taht back a few

>weeks ago. i can;t trust THAt, either. the people at the SS

>office couldn;t even help me answer one simple wuestion about

>if my parents were correct in stating to me ( as their reason

>for not taking me again) that their not taking me again was

>because in 2014 or so, Obamacare will cease coverage at the SS

>offices for people like me. my psychologist is a nice man, but

>he seems to be dragging in this area. he did say, however, that

>he sa my point on some matters, and would tell anyone who asked

>that i did indeed have asperger's.

>

> sigh. I guess this is my dragon?

>

>thigns lok so much more hopefless at night, it must be the

>daylight thing. why is this so confusing for me to understand?

>how and in what wrong way am I thinking? hwo cna I make myself

>feel better nad more clear-headed? besides exercise. doo not

>mention exercise to me; i am sick of my house, sick of my

>neighborhood. i want to live sonewhere els,e but at times it

>seems lie this is the safest place t obe, the best choice out

>there. aht am I to do? i want to hlep myself, because nobody

>else ever will. But i have no more tools to do it with.

>

>and all this may look different in the morning. stupid d

>deficiency.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I relate to a lot of things you are talking about here. I have a medical

condition that I have had my whole life, that my mother was abusive about the

symptoms too.My dad barley noticed I existed, and has never really noticed I

have health, let alone pay attention to it. and I only received care from

urgent care clinics when the symptoms were bad enough it was urgent. I did not

receive a diagnosis until after I was married.

My Nada (what we call our non mothers) has an endless litany of " explanations "

for why she is " innocent " of both the abuse, and and not getting me help.

I used to struggle in school too. I never had help and I really suffered for it.

something I have come to realize is that " over-reacting " (what I was told when I

responded to the abuse) is just our emotions fighting to get out. and any

over-reaction, does not negate the fact that it was provoked.

your situation sounds so hard. It sounds like the pressure on you to find a job

was a huge part of why it was so hard to keep it.

Depending on what state you live in there are probably group homes that help

with housing, medical, and job training. Aspergers etc. are " mild " enough that I

think you could sign yourself up to live in one, and there are federal funds to

support that.

I don't know what is in Obama care about loosing funding for you, but I think

that is just something that has been tossed around in the latest campaign. I

happen to know that Obama care actually greatly expanded treatment funding for

autism. and I think your parents are either telling you that to manipulate you,

or to further excuse not taking care of you. I am about 95% sure that is a lie.

SS is not the only thing available to you. people will care, believe you, listen

to you, and help you, even if your parents don't. This is what I have learned

when I was able to get away. It is WRONG for parents to abuse their children for

symptoms that are already so hard to deal with. believe me I understand the pain

of that really well.

IT IS NOT YOU. if you had none of the disorders,and even if it were possible for

you to never react, and be " perfect " they would still treat you like crap. it is

how they treat people. It is not a flaw in in you.

It is really hard to learn to take care of yourself, but if I can, anyone can,

and I have made great strides this year. I know somewhere inside you are

fighting for yourself. I believe in you because I really do have faith in our

huge capacity as people to change, and make things better. you can get out.

Meikjn

> >Hi guys.

> >

> > I am a 28 year old woman with asperger's, adhd, dyspraxia,

> > cognitive procesing deficit and possible executive

> > dysfunction- I still live with my parents because i cannot

> > work, and when I did try to work at Dillard's becaue they

> > pressured me to with constant talkings to and saying i hd t

> > ohelp wit te hbills, i became so stressed and ill i caught the

> > flu and wsa hysterical all morning long going to work and all

> > night long coming from work becaue I knew i would havet ogo

> > back and it would probably never end. they claimed multipple

> > times throughout my life that i -only had adhd ( a fact my

> > psycholigst later refuted, turns out I was sooo right with my

> > self-diagnosis) and to -stop acting autistic when they used to

> > get mad at me when I got mad or confused at them and they

> > would chase me into my room where I would hide in my closet.

> > My reaciotn may have been extreme, but it wasn;t to me. i was

> > a child. a scared and angry child. tehy would yell at me

> > before work after a time, brecause the consoling did not work,

> > they did that, they claimed, to scare me into stopping my

> > crying. to -herlp- me. like my near-hysteria was a phase.

> >

> >i am worried that I am the one with BPD insteaad of my mother,

> >the way she screams and cries.

> >

> >a few days ago, becuase my mother had had an altercation wtih

> >my father nad becaue I hadn;t done soemting she wanted when she

> >wanted it, she grabbed my shirt where i was sitting IN MY ROOM,

> >IN MY ROLY CHAIR At my laptop and dragged me over to the

> >doorway, by reaching over thedoggy gate i use to keep her cute

> >little chihuahua from peeing in my room.

> >

> >She claimed she ws -at the end of her rope- and was -trying to

> >drag me toward her emotionally-. WTF? surely I am not to blame

> >for being angry here. i do not do chores all the time when she

> >wants, but i do do some, almost every day the same ones. I suck

> >at cleaning, plus I am a libra/virgo/scorpio, if you wnat to

> >know my personality type. i ahte socializing after a while, i

> >just can;t take it. she wnats me to -show my love- for her. but

> >i just.. i was afraid of her for so long, adn my dad just can;t

> >relate. he gets pissed whe nI confront him about his own denied

> >adhd and autism, and they both claim i have no boundaries for

> >them to cross becaue they own teh house and feed me and -love

> >me-. they Do love me, but, whatever they thin they love, it

> >isn;t me. they are selfish. i am no picnic either, but i try

> >tohlep people when Ifeel drawn to, whe Ifeel lie i could help

> >a person in th ways i know I can. I ahd to self-daignose,

> >remember. ME. not them, who yelled amt becuae I did not

> >understand. They, who belittled me becaue I did not understand.

> >I am not spotless, never think that. but I sure as heck did not

> >deserve how I am feeling these days. I was feeling better til

> >recently, and i ahve bee ntriyn the GFCF diet in an attemptto

> >further clear my autistic head fog due to probable allergies

> >which, again, they only acknowledge when they feel like it.

> >

> >But i can;t get out. every option is closed to me, I feel like

> >that is the case. plus i get really upset when it;s late, and

> >am doing so now for soem reason... it must be becaue it's fall.

> >I probably have seasonal affective. waht should i do? am i

> >saying things that would say that it si ME who is the bigger

> >problem? i scream and rage at them bloody murder because they

> >will. not. listen. they accuse me of being the crazy one, but

> >she mindphucks my father wiht her wierd twisty verbage, and

> >they BOt hwere preconditioned forthis stuff by theier own

> >families. hat am I to do?

> >

> >She said she would not take me up to the SS office again

> >because Obamacare was upheld. then she tok taht back a few

> >weeks ago. i can;t trust THAt, either. the people at the SS

> >office couldn;t even help me answer one simple wuestion about

> >if my parents were correct in stating to me ( as their reason

> >for not taking me again) that their not taking me again was

> >because in 2014 or so, Obamacare will cease coverage at the SS

> >offices for people like me. my psychologist is a nice man, but

> >he seems to be dragging in this area. he did say, however, that

> >he sa my point on some matters, and would tell anyone who asked

> >that i did indeed have asperger's.

> >

> > sigh. I guess this is my dragon?

> >

> >thigns lok so much more hopefless at night, it must be the

> >daylight thing. why is this so confusing for me to understand?

> >how and in what wrong way am I thinking? hwo cna I make myself

> >feel better nad more clear-headed? besides exercise. doo not

> >mention exercise to me; i am sick of my house, sick of my

> >neighborhood. i want to live sonewhere els,e but at times it

> >seems lie this is the safest place t obe, the best choice out

> >there. aht am I to do? i want to hlep myself, because nobody

> >else ever will. But i have no more tools to do it with.

> >

> >and all this may look different in the morning. stupid d

> >deficiency.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

People with Asperger's are often more reactive than those who aren't. Their

nervous systems are more easily overloaded and they often find it harder to calm

down. When I think of the people with Asperger's that I know, hiding in a

closet seems like a reflection of the tremendous amount of distress they would

be feeling, and I can definitely see feeling so overwhelmed that hiding in a

closet might seem the only way to cope. Asperger's sensitivity to stimuli is

not the same as bpd dramatics, but having Asperger's might make it hard to see

the differences on your own.

That's part of why your mother's treatment of you seems especially cruel. It

was a part of her job to help you learn how to cope with difficulties in life

and how to soothe yourself. She didn't. Worse, she pushed you into corners you

couldn't get out of. The very loudness of the yelling would be more

overwhelming to you.

Finding socializing exhausting and stressful after a while makes perfect sense,

and it also makes sense that your mother who lacks empathy would be unable to

see this and expect impossible and irrational things of you. I encourage you to

keep looking for ways out of your situation. It isn't good for you.

Keep reaching out. There must be resources out there for someone in your

position. It's just a matter of locating them. You might try looking on your

area's Children and Family Services website (or whatever they call it where you

live) and see what you find for people with disabilities.

Take care,

Ashana