Arguing with nada and fada in my head...

September 21, 2012

I was wondering how many of you do this/or have done it?

I've been NC for a few months, actually this was my nada's choice as that is

what she does when she is angry (the silent treatment). She used to rage

when we were kids, but after children's aid got involved, she never hit, and

rarely yelled, again. The emotional abuse really started then. The FOG, door

slamming, silent treatment, etc.

Since the blowup that started the NC and my discovery about BPD, I find

myself having these arguments with them in my head, all the things I want to

say, the explanations, like why can't they see or understand what's really

going on?

I know I can't actually have a rational discussion with them, but I can't

shake the conversations I'd LIKE to have. My therapist said we could

consider me saying all these things to her, to help get it off my chest.

Does this feeling ever stop? Or lessen?

Thanks!

September 21, 2012

That's where I'm at now. . . I'll be interested in the " veterans " responses.

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Gagne

Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:50 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: " Arguing " with nada and fada in my head...

I was wondering how many of you do this/or have done it?

I've been NC for a few months, actually this was my nada's choice as that is

what she does when she is angry (the silent treatment). She used to rage

when we were kids, but after children's aid got involved, she never hit, and

rarely yelled, again. The emotional abuse really started then. The FOG, door

slamming, silent treatment, etc.

Since the blowup that started the NC and my discovery about BPD, I find

myself having these arguments with them in my head, all the things I want to

say, the explanations, like why can't they see or understand what's really

going on?

I know I can't actually have a rational discussion with them, but I can't

shake the conversations I'd LIKE to have. My therapist said we could

consider me saying all these things to her, to help get it off my chest.

Does this feeling ever stop? Or lessen?

Thanks!

September 21, 2012

Well, I'm at a different point in my life now than you guys are. I'm 60, and

both my parents are deceased now. My nada died about 9 months ago. When I

screw up, I can sometimes still hear my nada's voice in my head calling me a

stupid idiot, but I just talk over her now. I say something nurturing instead.

I still have dreams about my parents, but less and less often as time goes on;

usually they're pretty nice. I almost never have nightmares, they're very rare

now. But when I was growing up, and even as a young adult, I had frequent

nightmares often featuring gigantic monsters that were trying to find me and

kill me; the theme of my bad dreams was often about escape and running for my

life. (Three guesses as to who the giant monster probably was.)

So, yes, I think that as you process your trauma, as you gain a more solid

feeling of being in control of your own life, and grow less needful of approval

and validation from your pd parents, the need to argue with them in your head

will lessen.

-Annie

>

> That's where I'm at now. . . I'll be interested in the " veterans " responses.

>

> jwjrenslow@...

>

> _____

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Gagne

> Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:50 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: " Arguing " with nada and fada in my head...

>

> I was wondering how many of you do this/or have done it?

>

> I've been NC for a few months, actually this was my nada's choice as that is

> what she does when she is angry (the silent treatment). She used to rage

> when we were kids, but after children's aid got involved, she never hit, and

> rarely yelled, again. The emotional abuse really started then. The FOG, door

> slamming, silent treatment, etc.

>

> Since the blowup that started the NC and my discovery about BPD, I find

> myself having these arguments with them in my head, all the things I want to

> say, the explanations, like why can't they see or understand what's really

> going on?

>

> I know I can't actually have a rational discussion with them, but I can't

> shake the conversations I'd LIKE to have. My therapist said we could

> consider me saying all these things to her, to help get it off my chest.

>

> Does this feeling ever stop? Or lessen?

>

> Thanks!

>

September 21, 2012

as you gain a more solid feeling of being in control of your own life, and

grow less needful of approval and validation from your pd parents, the need

to argue with them in your head will lessen.

Thank you Annie. I need to come to terms with that unhealthy need from them.

That has been what kept me walking on eggshells my whole life, the fear of

my mother not liking me, my husband, my kids. I have heard and seen her

discard everyone over the years because she didn't like or had " had enough

of their behaviour " .

Ugghh. Like who is she anyways that she thinks her opinion of everyone else

is so important..

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

Sent: September-21-12 12:45 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: " Arguing " with nada and fada in my head...

Well, I'm at a different point in my life now than you guys are. I'm 60, and

both my parents are deceased now. My nada died about 9 months ago. When I

screw up, I can sometimes still hear my nada's voice in my head calling me a

stupid idiot, but I just talk over her now. I say something nurturing

instead. I still have dreams about my parents, but less and less often as

time goes on; usually they're pretty nice. I almost never have nightmares,

they're very rare now. But when I was growing up, and even as a young adult,

I had frequent nightmares often featuring gigantic monsters that were trying

to find me and kill me; the theme of my bad dreams was often about escape

and running for my life. (Three guesses as to who the giant monster probably

was.)

So, yes, I think that as you process your trauma, as you gain a more solid

feeling of being in control of your own life, and grow less needful of

approval and validation from your pd parents, the need to argue with them in

your head will lessen.

-Annie

>

> That's where I'm at now. . . I'll be interested in the " veterans "

responses.

>

> jwjrenslow@...

>

> _____

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

] On Behalf Of Gagne

> Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:50 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: " Arguing " with nada and fada in my head...

>

> I was wondering how many of you do this/or have done it?

>

> I've been NC for a few months, actually this was my nada's choice as that

is

> what she does when she is angry (the silent treatment). She used to rage

> when we were kids, but after children's aid got involved, she never hit,

and

> rarely yelled, again. The emotional abuse really started then. The FOG,

door

> slamming, silent treatment, etc.

>

> Since the blowup that started the NC and my discovery about BPD, I find

> myself having these arguments with them in my head, all the things I want

to

> say, the explanations, like why can't they see or understand what's really

> going on?

>

> I know I can't actually have a rational discussion with them, but I can't

> shake the conversations I'd LIKE to have. My therapist said we could

> consider me saying all these things to her, to help get it off my chest.

>

> Does this feeling ever stop? Or lessen?

>

> Thanks!

>

September 21, 2012

Constantly! Or at least every five minutes. Every thought I have is belittled

by the nada/fada voices in my head. I can't tell you if/when it will stop, but

I'm sure hoping someone has an answer.

>

> I was wondering how many of you do this/or have done it?

>

> I've been NC for a few months, actually this was my nada's choice as that is

> what she does when she is angry (the silent treatment). She used to rage

> when we were kids, but after children's aid got involved, she never hit, and

> rarely yelled, again. The emotional abuse really started then. The FOG, door

> slamming, silent treatment, etc.

>

> Since the blowup that started the NC and my discovery about BPD, I find

> myself having these arguments with them in my head, all the things I want to

> say, the explanations, like why can't they see or understand what's really

> going on?

>

> I know I can't actually have a rational discussion with them, but I can't

> shake the conversations I'd LIKE to have. My therapist said we could

> consider me saying all these things to her, to help get it off my chest.

>

> Does this feeling ever stop? Or lessen?

>

> Thanks!

>

September 22, 2012

I've been doing this a lot since I went NC in April -- having arguments

with Nada in my head, trying to predict what lines she'll use on me to try

to get me to do what she wants, and what I'll say back to keep it from

happening. I have to keep reminding myself that I am ** NC ** and don't

have to talk to her at ALL if I don't want to, but the old reflexes are

still there, the desire to " fix " her, the belief that if I just come up

with the right line of argument I can make her see how damaging her

behavior is and cause her to genuinely want to change and do better. And

probably also the desire to " justify " my NC to others, which is, again,

something I do not ever need to do.

Recently, after she claimed in an email that she was going to start seeing

a therapist (I don't actually believe her, but it's what she said) the

inner dialogue opened up to include a " phantom therapist " of Nada's who I

" have to " talk to in order to convince her that Nada's lies and distortions

aren't real, that I'm not making any of this up, that she DOES treat me

horribly....and so on and so on. It's quite frustrating at times because

my " inner voice " seems to be convinced that Nada's probably-not-even-real

therapist will automatically believe her and take her side and I'll have to

argue the therapist around to seeing the reality of the situation -- and

then I have to stop and remind myself that I *do not have to talk to Nada's

therapist at all if I do not want to*, under any circumstances,

particularly not if the therapist seems to be trying to push Nada's agenda.

I also remind myself that this is probably a traumatic leftover from

dealing with that one therapist of mine I dumped shortly after going NC,

the one who seemed to think that the heart of my issues with Nada were that

I was " too angry " at her, and not the fact that she treats me really badly.

So yeah, these inner rehearsal conversations are really frustrating. I go

back and forth between trying to " make " myself stop doing it ( " You don't

have to talk to her. You certainly don't have to talk to her therapist, who

probably doesn't even exist anyway, so just stop trying to write and

rehearse your lines in advance! " ) and just trying to relax and let the

thoughts work themselves through and out the other side, on the grounds

that if you focus hard on NOT THINKING something, you generally wind up

obsessing on it instead because our brains work like that. It's the " Sit

down and DON'T think about white bears for the next five minutes! " problem

-- once you're told that, you basically can think of nothing BUT white

bears...

The best thing I can do when I start writing these pointless conversations

in my head is to find a way to distract myself with some other task that

requires my attention and thought. That seems to stop things in the

shortest time and with the least effort. I hope once I'm physically NC (out

of the house) and away, I won't feel like I might get cornered and told,

" You have to explain yourself, young lady! " and feel like I *DO* have to,

and the inner conversations will end. Fingers crossed!

-- Jen H.

On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:42 AM, Renslow jwjrenslow@...>wrote:

> **

>

> That's where I'm at now. . . I'll be interested in the " veterans "

> responses.

>

> jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

>

> _____

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Gagne

> Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:50 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: " Arguing " with nada and fada in my head...

>

> I was wondering how many of you do this/or have done it?

>

> I've been NC for a few months, actually this was my nada's choice as that

> is

> what she does when she is angry (the silent treatment). She used to rage

> when we were kids, but after children's aid got involved, she never hit,

> and

> rarely yelled, again. The emotional abuse really started then. The FOG,

> door

> slamming, silent treatment, etc.

>

> Since the blowup that started the NC and my discovery about BPD, I find

> myself having these arguments with them in my head, all the things I want

> to

> say, the explanations, like why can't they see or understand what's really

> going on?

>

> I know I can't actually have a rational discussion with them, but I can't

> shake the conversations I'd LIKE to have. My therapist said we could

> consider me saying all these things to her, to help get it off my chest.

>

> Does this feeling ever stop? Or lessen?

>

> Thanks!

>

September 24, 2012

I just had a lightbulb moment.

I've been really struggling the last few days with anxiety, and this arguing

in my head. I just realized it is not my nada and fada I am arguing with, it

is myself. I have been trying to convince myself that my choice to distance

myself from my family is justified, analyzing all the past wrongdoings, etc.

I'm obviously still struggling with that FOG.

Thanks for listening,

_____

From: Gagne

Sent: September-21-12 5:59 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1 '

Subject: RE: Re: " Arguing " with nada and fada in my

head...