Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 Hi Everyone, Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? I need to know what to expect next week. Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. She is afraid of going into a nursing home. I think that this is valid. So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? Thanks, Everyone! Hugs, -L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help but I do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a step at a time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid. > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. Francesca > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid. > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you. On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. < francescadjones@...> wrote: > ** > > > Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a > precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she > could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months > ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the > hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I > moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet > " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care > and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every > few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to > live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped > me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. > > Francesca > > On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...> > wrote: > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, > most likely Tuesday. > > > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > > > I think that this is valid. > > > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that > they've lived in all their > > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a > respite home. > > > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left > behind? > > > > Thanks, Everyone! > > > > Hugs, > > -L > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 What gets me about bpds is they're always the good ones. It amazes me they see it that way. On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler < millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you. > > > On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. < > francescadjones@...> wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a >> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she >> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months >> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the >> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I >> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet >> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care >> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every >> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to >> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped >> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. >> >> Francesca >> >> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...> >> wrote: >> >> > Hi Everyone, >> > >> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? >> > >> > I need to know what to expect next week. >> > >> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, >> most likely Tuesday. >> > >> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. >> > >> > I think that this is valid. >> > >> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that >> they've lived in all their >> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a >> respite home. >> > >> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left >> behind? >> > >> > Thanks, Everyone! >> > >> > Hugs, >> > -L >> > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 Hi Francesca, You are so brave.  I admire you.  I am sorry that you had to deal with the sudden death of your dad and caretaking of nada.  What amazes me is that your nada actually allowed you to make decisions for her....That she actually allowed you to transition her to assisted living!  My nada wants me to come and be her servant in her house.  My nada keeps telling me to sell my condo, quit school (have grant) and buy a one-way ticket (to hell). I offered to come down next week to help her go to the hospital for an MRI but she said....(I've posted this stuff before...) " WHAT WOULD I DO WITH YOU? " I would really like to help.  But there's nothing I can do.  She'll just throw me out (of course it will all be " my fault " for leaving when she rages).  I'm just not allowed to have any kind of a life.  When I was young, she threatened suicide just about every day.  And every time that I tried to individuate myself from my nada and fada, my life was threatened.  And now that DH died 6.5 years ago in a tragedy.  And I'm trying to rebuild my life.  And she wants me to sacrifice my life UGH. Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:52 PM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?  Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. Francesca > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid. > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 Yes, Millicent....Not only are they the good ones....They are the SICK ones. And their offspring are the ones in therapy trying to get well! Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 8:25 PM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes? What gets me about bpds is they're always the good ones. It amazes me they see it that way. On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler < millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you. > > > On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. < > francescadjones@...> wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a >> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she >> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months >> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the >> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I >> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet >> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care >> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every >> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to >> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped >> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. >> >> Francesca >> >> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...> >> wrote: >> >> > Hi Everyone, >> > >> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? >> > >> > I need to know what to expect next week. >> > >> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, >> most likely Tuesday. >> > >> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. >> > >> > I think that this is valid. >> > >> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that >> they've lived in all their >> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a >> respite home. >> > >> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left >> behind? >> > >> > Thanks, Everyone! >> > >> > Hugs, >> > -L >> > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 Hi Jenn, Yes, it's frightening....I survived the tragic death of my husband. And nothing could ever compare with that. But the reason I survived my husband's death, is because our relationship was based on unconditional love. It was a miracle that I had such a loving husband.  And he was the greatest gift of my life. What scares me is that, being a " Child of Oz " , I never learned to be financially successful in the outer world. My husband allowed me to have artsy " careers " that did not pay much, as long as I was happy. And now I have been trying so hard to build a new life.  Not losing my condo.  Trying to have some kind of career.  Trying to re-socialize myself (need lots more work here) and trying to get an education.  And now nada, in her own, scared warped mind, thinks it's normal just to tell me to sell the condo, and buy a one-way plane ticket to hell. She just wants me to sacrifice my life, imprison me, split me bad and throw me out. And then I'll really have nothing. And if I tell her I'm not coming to live with her, I will get disowned and disinherited. Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended.  The waif-like pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and disapproving.  She's never allowed me to have a life, nor accepted me in her life as a married adult woman.  All that she tried to do was to turn my husband against me.  That's why I haven't seen her in 14 years. Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this.  But the truth is that I don't see a way out.  I am scared to death. Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:11 PM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?  This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help but I do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a step at a time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid. > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 " Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and disapproving. " Oh .I so feel for you, you are truly in an emotionally abusive relationship with your nada. You really need to find a way to live your own life. Although you have not physically seen your mother in a long time you are still in contact with her and she is controlling your thoughts. The threats of disowning and disinheriting you, sound like she is still insidiously programming your heart and mind that you can't make it on your own. It has only been these last few months of total NC that have allowed me to see everything from a different perspective, from the outside looking in, through a different set of lenses. I told my therapist it is like I escaped a cult. _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Halloran Sent: September-22-12 12:45 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes? Hi Jenn, Yes, it's frightening....I survived the tragic death of my husband. And nothing could ever compare with that. But the reason I survived my husband's death, is because our relationship was based on unconditional love. It was a miracle that I had such a loving husband. And he was the greatest gift of my life. What scares me is that, being a " Child of Oz " , I never learned to be financially successful in the outer world. My husband allowed me to have artsy " careers " that did not pay much, as long as I was happy. And now I have been trying so hard to build a new life. Not losing my condo. Trying to have some kind of career. Trying to re-socialize myself (need lots more work here) and trying to get an education. And now nada, in her own, scared warped mind, thinks it's normal just to tell me to sell the condo, and buy a one-way plane ticket to hell. She just wants me to sacrifice my life, imprison me, split me bad and throw me out. And then I'll really have nothing. And if I tell her I'm not coming to live with her, I will get disowned and disinherited. Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and disapproving. She's never allowed me to have a life, nor accepted me in her life as a married adult woman. All that she tried to do was to turn my husband against me. That's why I haven't seen her in 14 years. Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this. But the truth is that I don't see a way out. I am scared to death. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: Jenn S. jenne.stevenson@... > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:11 PM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes? This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help but I do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a step at a time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you On Sep 21, 2012, at 4:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@... > wrote: > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid. > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 It must be part of their mental breakdown. To see themselves as bad would break them entirely so they have to project it on others. That is WHY it is best NOT to have them in our homes when they age because we can't be destroyed since we can't really help them. jwjrenslow@... Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes? What gets me about bpds is they're always the good ones. It amazes me they see it that way. On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler < millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you. > > > On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. < > francescadjones@...> wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a >> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she >> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months >> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the >> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I >> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet >> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care >> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every >> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to >> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped >> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. >> >> Francesca >> >> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...> >> wrote: >> >> > Hi Everyone, >> > >> > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? >> > >> > I need to know what to expect next week. >> > >> > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, >> most likely Tuesday. >> > >> > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. >> > >> > I think that this is valid. >> > >> > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that >> they've lived in all their >> > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a >> respite home. >> > >> > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left >> behind? >> > >> > Thanks, Everyone! >> > >> > Hugs, >> > -L >> > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hahaha!!! Exactly! Francesca On Sep 21, 2012, at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you. > > On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. < > francescadjones@...> wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a >> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she >> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months >> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the >> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I >> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet >> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care >> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every >> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to >> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped >> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. >> >> Francesca >> >> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...> >> wrote: >> >>> Hi Everyone, >>> >>> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? >>> >>> I need to know what to expect next week. >>> >>> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, >> most likely Tuesday. >>> >>> She is afraid of going into a nursing home. >>> >>> I think that this is valid. >>> >>> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that >> they've lived in all their >>> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a >> respite home. >>> >>> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left >> behind? >>> >>> Thanks, Everyone! >>> >>> Hugs, >>> -L >>> >>> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 My nada's experience was so different from your situation its not very applicable; your nada still has all her marbles, and mine had dementia. However, several years before my nada began showing clear signs of dementia, Sister took nada to check out various assisted living residences in their area so nada could choose one or two that she liked. Nada didn't have a " family home " that she'd always lived in and felt attached to, so that made it easier on her, and nada had come to her own decision years earlier that she did not want to live with Sister in Sister's home. Nada liked living in or near town, and Sister lives in an isolated rural area. If your nada needs full-time assisted living or nursing care, then she really does need to relocate into a nursing home. It takes professional training and shifts of people to provide 24/7 care and supervision; so don't feel guilty because you can't provide that for her; you aren't three people! When my nada was diagnosed with demential, Sister was given the power of attorney / legal responsibility for our nada, so she is the one who wound up taking care of all the paperwork and legwork necessary to oversee our nada's medical care in the assisted care home, and it followed naturally that Sister then took charge RE nada's funeral, her paperwork, and managing all nada's stuff, after nada died. My Sister is a take-charge kind of person, and I am so very grateful for that. I wish you well in this new phase of your life and your nada's life. I'm glad for you that the fact that your nada is actually agreeing to go into a nursing home means that you are no longer being badgered to abandon your career trajectory and become her full-time live-in caregiver. My guess is that this relocation will mean a better quality of life for your brother as well, he'll be with other people his own age instead of being trapped like a virtual prisoner with only your nada for company. My best to all of you. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid. > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hi Annie and Everyone, Thanks for the beautiful email.  I never would think of re-framing it as a " new phase of life " for me and nada.  She's not actually " agreed " to go into a nursing home.  And she's still badgering me to give up my career trajectory and snippets of a life to become her full-time, live-in, throw-out caregiver.  I just made it through a day of school, really depressed and thinking that my life was over.  And then I called nada in the early evening. And she asked how my class was. And I told her it was difficult and not what I expected....And then she said, in her stern voice: " DROP IT....IT'S NOT FOR YOU! " She sounded like a whining jealous witch.  And prior she had left a really scary sounding voice mail message which ended with the word " LOVE " plastered at the end.  Love sounded more like HATE. OH....AND SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE FEELS A LITTLE BETTER!  She's actually wondering if she should try climbing stairs.....So the cycle of hell continues. I just want to run away from everything. Not tell her where I'm going and have a new life.  I can't believe that I have a nada who won't allow me to live (really). Nada in a nursing home would benefit my brother, but he does not want to live in the respite home.  He likes his " stuff " and collections of books, etc.  Although, he is her prisoner. My nada never has had all her marbles....Yes, she is attached to her home of 50 years.  And she still makes me feel guilty.  I can imagine how scared she is...it's kind of like her life, as she has known it, is ending. And she's struggling to hold it together for as long as possible, even if she can't climb stairs, is immobile and in pain. Nada is very controlling and becomes the witch.  She won't allow me to take control.  But soon I will have to. I think that I should ask the family attorney what to do, re nada and nursing home.  What do you think? What do you forsee, re papers to sign, etc?  Thanks!  Huge Hugs! -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 8:36 AM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?  My nada's experience was so different from your situation its not very applicable; your nada still has all her marbles, and mine had dementia. However, several years before my nada began showing clear signs of dementia, Sister took nada to check out various assisted living residences in their area so nada could choose one or two that she liked. Nada didn't have a " family home " that she'd always lived in and felt attached to, so that made it easier on her, and nada had come to her own decision years earlier that she did not want to live with Sister in Sister's home. Nada liked living in or near town, and Sister lives in an isolated rural area. If your nada needs full-time assisted living or nursing care, then she really does need to relocate into a nursing home. It takes professional training and shifts of people to provide 24/7 care and supervision; so don't feel guilty because you can't provide that for her; you aren't three people! When my nada was diagnosed with demential, Sister was given the power of attorney / legal responsibility for our nada, so she is the one who wound up taking care of all the paperwork and legwork necessary to oversee our nada's medical care in the assisted care home, and it followed naturally that Sister then took charge RE nada's funeral, her paperwork, and managing all nada's stuff, after nada died. My Sister is a take-charge kind of person, and I am so very grateful for that. I wish you well in this new phase of your life and your nada's life. I'm glad for you that the fact that your nada is actually agreeing to go into a nursing home means that you are no longer being badgered to abandon your career trajectory and become her full-time live-in caregiver. My guess is that this relocation will mean a better quality of life for your brother as well, he'll be with other people his own age instead of being trapped like a virtual prisoner with only your nada for company. My best to all of you. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI.  But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid.  > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hi Again, Francesca, Another thought.....nadas are really manipulative...Just give her time with the staff at the assisted living center! Once they don't meet her needs, she will reveal herself! -L ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Cc: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 7:02 AM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes? Â Hahaha!!! Exactly! Francesca On Sep 21, 2012, at 11:24 PM, Millicent Kunstler millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > I'm sure you would have moved a " better mother " in with you. > > On Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 9:52 PM, Francesca D. < > francescadjones@...> wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Hi , I was able to move my nada to assisted living (kind of a >> precursor to nursing home). After my dad died unexpectedly it was clear she >> could not care for herself and sort of self destructed over a few months >> ending up in the hospital several times, so I transitioned her from the >> hospital to assisted living where she lived and then about a year later I >> moved her to the same facility in my state. They don't know/she hasn't yet >> " shown " her bpd side to the staff there, and i am very involved in her care >> and keeping her level, but it is what it is. She still rages at me every >> few weeks that a better daughter would have invited her into my home to >> live with us. But I know I'm doing the best I can and this group has helped >> me so much to keep my boundaries. I wish you much luck. >> >> Francesca >> >> On Sep 21, 2012, at 5:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...> >> wrote: >> >>> Hi Everyone, >>> >>> Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? >>> >>> I need to know what to expect next week. >>> >>> Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, >> most likely Tuesday. >>> >>> She is afraid of going into a nursing home. >>> >>> I think that this is valid. >>> >>> So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that >> they've lived in all their >>> life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a >> respite home. >>> >>> So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left >> behind? >>> >>> Thanks, Everyone! >>> >>> Hugs, >>> -L >>> >>> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hi Gagne and Everyone, Gagne, you are right....NC would be wonderful. Â She is so abusive! Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 12:49 AM Subject: RE: Nadas And Nursing Homes? Â " Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and disapproving. " Oh .I so feel for you, you are truly in an emotionally abusive relationship with your nada. You really need to find a way to live your own life. Although you have not physically seen your mother in a long time you are still in contact with her and she is controlling your thoughts. The threats of disowning and disinheriting you, sound like she is still insidiously programming your heart and mind that you can't make it on your own. It has only been these last few months of total NC that have allowed me to see everything from a different perspective, from the outside looking in, through a different set of lenses. I told my therapist it is like I escaped a cult. _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Halloran Sent: September-22-12 12:45 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes? Hi Jenn, Yes, it's frightening....I survived the tragic death of my husband. And nothing could ever compare with that. But the reason I survived my husband's death, is because our relationship was based on unconditional love. It was a miracle that I had such a loving husband. And he was the greatest gift of my life. What scares me is that, being a " Child of Oz " , I never learned to be financially successful in the outer world. My husband allowed me to have artsy " careers " that did not pay much, as long as I was happy. And now I have been trying so hard to build a new life. Not losing my condo. Trying to have some kind of career. Trying to re-socialize myself (need lots more work here) and trying to get an education. And now nada, in her own, scared warped mind, thinks it's normal just to tell me to sell the condo, and buy a one-way plane ticket to hell. She just wants me to sacrifice my life, imprison me, split me bad and throw me out. And then I'll really have nothing. And if I tell her I'm not coming to live with her, I will get disowned and disinherited. Every time I talk to her I feel that my life has ended. The waif-like pauses of silence after she asks what I'm doing are so guilt-driving and disapproving. She's never allowed me to have a life, nor accepted me in her life as a married adult woman. All that she tried to do was to turn my husband against me. That's why I haven't seen her in 14 years. Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this. But the truth is that I don't see a way out. I am scared to death. Hugs, -L ________________________________ From: Jenn S. jenne.stevenson@... > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 6:11 PM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes? This sounds like a frightening situation. I admit that I can offer no help but I do wish you the best with it all. I'd say all I can offer is take it a step at a time and try to not let the whole situation overwhelm you On Sep 21, 2012, at 4:17 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@... > wrote: > Hi Everyone, > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > I think that this is valid. > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > Thanks, Everyone! > > Hugs, > -L > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hi , I think that's a great idea for you to have a consultation with a lawyer RE what your options and responsibilities may turn out to be, if your nada should voluntarily choose to give you power of attorney over her financial responsibilities and her care. However, it sounds (to me) like your nada isn't about to relinquish any decision-making power or control to you. As long as your nada is considered mentally competent (no dementia) then she can take care of her own paperwork and stuff. I can't advise you RE all the things that will need doing if for some reason your nada does decide to give you legal responsibility /power of attorney to manage her interests because I didn't do any of those things; my Sister is the one who handled all that for our nada, herself, once my nada received a diagnosis of dementia. Wishing you all the strength and endurance you need to weather these changes. -Annie > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI. Â But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > > > I think that this is valid. Â > > > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > > > Thanks, Everyone! > > > > Hugs, > > -L > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hi Annie, Thanks!  Yes, nada will NEVER relinquish control to me. But I have good rapport with the attorney. - ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 6:16 PM Subject: Re: Nadas And Nursing Homes?  Hi , I think that's a great idea for you to have a consultation with a lawyer RE what your options and responsibilities may turn out to be, if your nada should voluntarily choose to give you power of attorney over her financial responsibilities and her care. However, it sounds (to me) like your nada isn't about to relinquish any decision-making power or control to you. As long as your nada is considered mentally competent (no dementia) then she can take care of her own paperwork and stuff. I can't advise you RE all the things that will need doing if for some reason your nada does decide to give you legal responsibility /power of attorney to manage her interests because I didn't do any of those things; my Sister is the one who handled all that for our nada, herself, once my nada received a diagnosis of dementia. Wishing you all the strength and endurance you need to weather these changes. -Annie > > > > Hi Everyone, > > > > Does anyone have experience with elderly nadas going into nursing homes? > > > > I need to know what to expect next week. > > > > Nada keeps delaying going for the MRI.  But she will go to the hospital, most likely Tuesday. > > > > She is afraid of going into a nursing home. > > > > I think that this is valid.  > > > > So, what happens when nadas go into nursing homes, leave the home that they've lived in all their > > life....And in my instance, place their mentally handicapped son in a respite home. > > > > So, who cleans up the " mess " of handling the house and the life left behind? > > > > Thanks, Everyone! > > > > Hugs, > > -L > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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