Guest guest Posted September 21, 2012 Report Share Posted September 21, 2012 I was thinking about nada's raging suicidal gestures today and thought some of you might be able to relate to the experiences I wrote about here. http://ashanam.wordpress.com/2012/09/21/the-thought-of-death-in-the-morning-goes\ -well-with-tea/ Thanks! Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Thank you for sharing your story. Really hit home for me. Enjoy this beautiful day! Francesca Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Thank you so much! > > Thank you for sharing your story. Really hit home for me. > Enjoy this beautiful day! > > Francesca > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hi Ashana, Thanks for sharing this story.  I am so sorry that you experienced that. I appreciate your courage in telling us how you feel when you wake up most mornings.  I feel the same way.  It's truly unbearable since nada's latest demands that I sacrifice my life for her.  She always beat me and blamed me for fada's rage toward me.  He would tell me, on a nightly basis, that he hated me and that I was no good and that he was going to kill me.  I would run for my life and lock myself in my parent's bathroom.  When I opened the door....Nada would beat me, claw me, punch me, pull my hair and scream 'HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR FATHER!!!!!! " I have never felt this way in my life, even after DH died, but I feel hopeless.  But I'm working with a therapist... Hugs, -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, September 21, 2012 8:31 PM Subject: Angry suicide  I was thinking about nada's raging suicidal gestures today and thought some of you might be able to relate to the experiences I wrote about here. http://ashanam.wordpress.com/2012/09/21/the-thought-of-death-in-the-morning-goes\ -well-with-tea/ Thanks! Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 L, I am so, so very sorry that happened to you and that you are in such pain now. I do hope some of that lifts soon. One of the strange things about having suicidal thoughts is that I am really and truly not suicidal. I am just remembering what someone else said, which is accompanied by the feelings I had at the time--which include fear and despair, so it can seem a little like being suicidal. The words may have been especially important to me to remember because I was too young to understand them. I just knew it was something bad. But the words are also just a part of the memory. It's odd because of the fragmentation that comes with trauma, and also with being so small that I didn't have a clear sense of self vs. other. So I hear the words in my head without a definite understanding of who originally said them. I was only about 2 years old at the time, possibly younger. I imagine you must have felt pretty despairing during the abuse you suffered as well. Those feelings do come to the surface again as we address those experiences, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. I wish it had not happened to you. Hang in there. It does get better. Take good care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 Hi Ash, " One of the strange things about having suicidal thoughts is that I am really and truly not suicidal. I am just remembering what someone else said, which is accompanied by the feelings I had at the time--which include fear and despair, so it can seem a little like being suicidal. " That's what I'm feeling, kind of.  I've been programmed to feel this way.  And I feel this way after I talk to nada.  I think that it's a valid sentiment that I would rather throw myself in front of a bus than to live with nada.  In a sense, it's more of a " survival instinct " . - ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 6:48 PM Subject: Re: Angry suicide  L, I am so, so very sorry that happened to you and that you are in such pain now. I do hope some of that lifts soon. One of the strange things about having suicidal thoughts is that I am really and truly not suicidal. I am just remembering what someone else said, which is accompanied by the feelings I had at the time--which include fear and despair, so it can seem a little like being suicidal. The words may have been especially important to me to remember because I was too young to understand them. I just knew it was something bad. But the words are also just a part of the memory. It's odd because of the fragmentation that comes with trauma, and also with being so small that I didn't have a clear sense of self vs. other. So I hear the words in my head without a definite understanding of who originally said them. I was only about 2 years old at the time, possibly younger. I imagine you must have felt pretty despairing during the abuse you suffered as well. Those feelings do come to the surface again as we address those experiences, and it can feel pretty overwhelming. I wish it had not happened to you. Hang in there. It does get better. Take good care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Hi , I agree. Living with nada/fada just seems unthinkable. What I'm thinking these days is just that having experienced extreme trauma so early in life has affected me in ways I couldn't understand. Like that I would remember words that someone said without also remembering who said them very clearly. Also, the symptoms of traumatic stress started so young that I came to understand them as just who I am, as a part of my personality, and that's made me see myself somewhat in a distorted way. Some of what I feel on a regular basis is just kind of time capsule of traumatic events. The suicidal ideation and feelings of despair are part of that package. I'm sure anyone who was attacked by her parents as a toddler would feel despair, but I also had been recently returned to my parents from foster care, so part of the trauma was being attacked by virtual strangers and not having my foster parents to turn to. But because I didn't know where this " time capsule " was coming from, I've come to understand myself as someone who is depressive and suicidal as a matter of personality. Struggling with depressed moods is not anything to be ashamed of, but it is just inaccurate as a way of understanding myself. It's a little like thinking you are just someone who sees bombs go off in their hands as a war veteran with ptsd. It just isn't accurate. As survivors, part of what can give us strength is knowing who we are, so it's important for me to understand my own personality. I would imagine every conversation with your mother triggers memories of those assaults. Can you talk to her less frequently? A person can only manage so many symptoms in a week. Take care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Hi Ashana, Yes, I find that just talking to her physically affects me and makes me feel heavy in the chest and depressed and that my life is over.  And the reason this happens is b/c of all of the past violence, death threats and suicide threats.  I've been well " conditioned " to embrace suicide ideation!  I only talked to her once today in the afternoon! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!  Get this....She says that she is doing much better, even thinking of walking down stairs.  So, for now, she does not " NEED " me! But that can change at any moment.  And my brother, her servant, hopefully, can return to " work " in a few days. Hugs, - ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2012 11:22 AM Subject: Re: Angry suicide  Hi , I agree. Living with nada/fada just seems unthinkable. What I'm thinking these days is just that having experienced extreme trauma so early in life has affected me in ways I couldn't understand. Like that I would remember words that someone said without also remembering who said them very clearly. Also, the symptoms of traumatic stress started so young that I came to understand them as just who I am, as a part of my personality, and that's made me see myself somewhat in a distorted way. Some of what I feel on a regular basis is just kind of time capsule of traumatic events. The suicidal ideation and feelings of despair are part of that package. I'm sure anyone who was attacked by her parents as a toddler would feel despair, but I also had been recently returned to my parents from foster care, so part of the trauma was being attacked by virtual strangers and not having my foster parents to turn to. But because I didn't know where this " time capsule " was coming from, I've come to understand myself as someone who is depressive and suicidal as a matter of personality. Struggling with depressed moods is not anything to be ashamed of, but it is just inaccurate as a way of understanding myself. It's a little like thinking you are just someone who sees bombs go off in their hands as a war veteran with ptsd. It just isn't accurate. As survivors, part of what can give us strength is knowing who we are, so it's important for me to understand my own personality. I would imagine every conversation with your mother triggers memories of those assaults. Can you talk to her less frequently? A person can only manage so many symptoms in a week. Take care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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