Visited my BPD: It went well!

[Guest guest]

Holy crow!

I saw my BPD and family for the first time in 15 months...and it went WELL.

Here's why:

My Behavior

- I chose not to dwell on how messed up my family is.

- I did not try to change my family by talking about what it wrong.

- I stuck to having shallow, friendly conversations.

- I took care of myself: getting good sleep & exercising.

- If my mom did try to go a little deep about " trigger topics, " (emotionally

potent topics that lead her to rage), I would respond vaguely and then casually

excuse myself from the room before it went deeper.

*One time we were in the car and my mom made an accusation at me, but I

literally acted like I didn't hear her by asking one of my siblings a question

before BPD finished her sentence. It worked! She dropped the discussion.

Now...a big part of why the weekend went well was because my BPD behaved. It was

her best behavior ever.

BPD's Behavior

- She rarely brought up " trigger topics " and would quickly drop the discussions.

- She would ask about my life, but not criticize me when I shared (though of

course she didn't praise me either...she was just silent).

- She told me it was ok if I slept in (because I'm 2 hours behind them) and

didn't fuss at me for taking time to exercise.

- A couple of times I made comments about tv shows that were on, not realizing

she would take it personal. And she didn't get upset at me.

My dad did bring up a big trigger topic, but he did it in a very diplomatic way.

So my mom and I both focused on talking about what we agreed upon. My mom didn't

challenge me, nor did I challenge her. She didn't try to manipulate me. It was

weird....

It was by far the most peaceful weekend we've ever had together.

There were moments where I felt confused, wondering " Does my mom have BPD? Have

I been over-reacting? " But knowing how strange it felt that things were peaceful

reminded me my perception is not wrong.

And I still recognized the BPD. I could see how hard my mom was trying NOT to

say anything. And of course how she couldn't say nice things about my life. But

OH THE GLORY OF SILENCE!

I could tell she cared by her efforts to keep things peaceful.

I found out my mom hasn't been going to therapy. So while she had the external

behavior under control, internally I could tell she was struggling. But she

didn't show resentment for " having to hold back. "

I think my mom has grown, which is great. It was caused by some other major

family issues she's been almost forced to work through over the last year. She

seems to be realizing how to make adjustments to keep a relationship with her

kids.

I have peace about our relationship. But that doesn't mean I'll ever believe we

can have a close relationship. She is and always will be BPD unless she does

some major work.

I just have hope that my boundaries will be a little easier to maintain when I

visit (if she & I keep up the good behavior).

> > >

> > > Ok folks,

> > >

> > > For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is

compiled of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to

20-somethings).

> > >

> > > Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not

close to anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too

close of a relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck

it. I am the BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share

her pain of having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my

siblings and extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

> > >

> > > Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them twice

and for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my parents. It

put me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary helped a lot.

> > >

> > > Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been

doing a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to

reduce people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of

feeling obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

> > >

> > > It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

> > >

> > > Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed

up due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save

them " anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save

myself and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose

to).

> > >

> > > I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past,

because I feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be

really stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic

about the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right

now).

> > >

> > > The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my

siblings. They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be

vulnerable with. If we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards

about if we talked about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her

manipulative ways of making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And

of course if they feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my

mom's.

> > >

> > > I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my own

car so I can leave at anytime.

> > >

> > > So here's my Game Plan:

> > > - I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the

kids and have friendly chatter with my parents.

> > >

> > > - I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

(especially anything about mom).

> > >

> > > - When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to

make herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I

don't know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

> > >

> > > - Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she

could do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel

her " tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

> > >

> > > - If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel

and catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my

siblings feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

> > >

> > > I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you

guys!!

> > >

> > > You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would be

nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know

how to handle it.

> > >

> > > And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while I'm

there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

> > >

> > > I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your

advice or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am so happy for you that the time spent together went well!

On Sep 22, 2012, at 1:53 PM, " peacefulwarriorwoman "

april.lynn.vermillion@...> wrote:

> Holy crow!

>

> I saw my BPD and family for the first time in 15 months...and it went WELL.

Here's why:

>

> My Behavior

> - I chose not to dwell on how messed up my family is.

> - I did not try to change my family by talking about what it wrong.

> - I stuck to having shallow, friendly conversations.

> - I took care of myself: getting good sleep & exercising.

> - If my mom did try to go a little deep about " trigger topics, " (emotionally

potent topics that lead her to rage), I would respond vaguely and then casually

excuse myself from the room before it went deeper.

>

> *One time we were in the car and my mom made an accusation at me, but I

literally acted like I didn't hear her by asking one of my siblings a question

before BPD finished her sentence. It worked! She dropped the discussion.

>

> Now...a big part of why the weekend went well was because my BPD behaved. It

was her best behavior ever.

>

> BPD's Behavior

> - She rarely brought up " trigger topics " and would quickly drop the

discussions.

> - She would ask about my life, but not criticize me when I shared (though of

course she didn't praise me either...she was just silent).

> - She told me it was ok if I slept in (because I'm 2 hours behind them) and

didn't fuss at me for taking time to exercise.

> - A couple of times I made comments about tv shows that were on, not realizing

she would take it personal. And she didn't get upset at me.

>

> My dad did bring up a big trigger topic, but he did it in a very diplomatic

way. So my mom and I both focused on talking about what we agreed upon. My mom

didn't challenge me, nor did I challenge her. She didn't try to manipulate me.

It was weird....

>

> It was by far the most peaceful weekend we've ever had together.

>

> There were moments where I felt confused, wondering " Does my mom have BPD?

Have I been over-reacting? " But knowing how strange it felt that things were

peaceful reminded me my perception is not wrong.

>

> And I still recognized the BPD. I could see how hard my mom was trying NOT to

say anything. And of course how she couldn't say nice things about my life. But

OH THE GLORY OF SILENCE!

>

> I could tell she cared by her efforts to keep things peaceful.

>

> I found out my mom hasn't been going to therapy. So while she had the external

behavior under control, internally I could tell she was struggling. But she

didn't show resentment for " having to hold back. "

>

> I think my mom has grown, which is great. It was caused by some other major

family issues she's been almost forced to work through over the last year. She

seems to be realizing how to make adjustments to keep a relationship with her

kids.

>

> I have peace about our relationship. But that doesn't mean I'll ever believe

we can have a close relationship. She is and always will be BPD unless she does

some major work.

>

> I just have hope that my boundaries will be a little easier to maintain when I

visit (if she & I keep up the good behavior).

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Ok folks,

> > > >

> > > > For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is

compiled of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to

20-somethings).

> > > >

> > > > Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not

close to anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too

close of a relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck

it. I am the BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share

her pain of having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my

siblings and extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

> > > >

> > > > Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them

twice and for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my

parents. It put me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary

helped a lot.

> > > >

> > > > Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been

doing a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to

reduce people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of

feeling obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

> > > >

> > > > It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

> > > >

> > > > Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed

up due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save

them " anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save

myself and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose

to).

> > > >

> > > > I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past,

because I feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be

really stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic

about the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right

now).

> > > >

> > > > The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my

siblings. They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be vulnerable

with. If we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards about if we

talked about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her manipulative ways

of making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And of course if they

feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my mom's.

> > > >

> > > > I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my

own car so I can leave at anytime.

> > > >

> > > > So here's my Game Plan:

> > > > - I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the

kids and have friendly chatter with my parents.

> > > >

> > > > - I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

(especially anything about mom).

> > > >

> > > > - When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to

make herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I

don't know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

> > > >

> > > > - Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she

could do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel

her " tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

> > > >

> > > > - If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel

and catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my

siblings feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

> > > >

> > > > I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you

guys!!

> > > >

> > > > You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would

be nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know

how to handle it.

> > > >

> > > > And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while

I'm there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

> > > >

> > > > I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your

advice or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

That is SO WONDERFUL! I'm happy for you that the visit went well! There is

hope for a better and less stressful relationship if the person with bpd

realizes that they can control their abusive/critical behaviors if they really

want to and try hard to, and if the non-pd person can remain calm, maintain an

emotional distance, and not engage in escalating provocations that may occur

(aka " Medium Chill " ) That is so great, thanks for sharing!

-Annie

>

> Holy crow!

>

> I saw my BPD and family for the first time in 15 months...and it went WELL.

Here's why:

>

> My Behavior

> - I chose not to dwell on how messed up my family is.

> - I did not try to change my family by talking about what it wrong.

> - I stuck to having shallow, friendly conversations.

> - I took care of myself: getting good sleep & exercising.

> - If my mom did try to go a little deep about " trigger topics, " (emotionally

potent topics that lead her to rage), I would respond vaguely and then casually

excuse myself from the room before it went deeper.

>

> *One time we were in the car and my mom made an accusation at me, but I

literally acted like I didn't hear her by asking one of my siblings a question

before BPD finished her sentence. It worked! She dropped the discussion.

>

> Now...a big part of why the weekend went well was because my BPD behaved. It

was her best behavior ever.

>

> BPD's Behavior

> - She rarely brought up " trigger topics " and would quickly drop the

discussions.

> - She would ask about my life, but not criticize me when I shared (though of

course she didn't praise me either...she was just silent).

> - She told me it was ok if I slept in (because I'm 2 hours behind them) and

didn't fuss at me for taking time to exercise.

> - A couple of times I made comments about tv shows that were on, not realizing

she would take it personal. And she didn't get upset at me.

>

> My dad did bring up a big trigger topic, but he did it in a very diplomatic

way. So my mom and I both focused on talking about what we agreed upon. My mom

didn't challenge me, nor did I challenge her. She didn't try to manipulate me.

It was weird....

>

> It was by far the most peaceful weekend we've ever had together.

>

> There were moments where I felt confused, wondering " Does my mom have BPD?

Have I been over-reacting? " But knowing how strange it felt that things were

peaceful reminded me my perception is not wrong.

>

> And I still recognized the BPD. I could see how hard my mom was trying NOT to

say anything. And of course how she couldn't say nice things about my life. But

OH THE GLORY OF SILENCE!

>

> I could tell she cared by her efforts to keep things peaceful.

>

> I found out my mom hasn't been going to therapy. So while she had the external

behavior under control, internally I could tell she was struggling. But she

didn't show resentment for " having to hold back. "

>

> I think my mom has grown, which is great. It was caused by some other major

family issues she's been almost forced to work through over the last year. She

seems to be realizing how to make adjustments to keep a relationship with her

kids.

>

> I have peace about our relationship. But that doesn't mean I'll ever believe

we can have a close relationship. She is and always will be BPD unless she does

some major work.

>

> I just have hope that my boundaries will be a little easier to maintain when I

visit (if she & I keep up the good behavior).

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you! You're an inspiration I've been struggling with whether to

visit for Thanksgiving (I'd be in their house in the suburbs with no car to

escape), and you're giving me some hope that I might survive.

> > > >

> > > > Ok folks,

> > > >

> > > > For the first time in over a year, I'm visiting my family (which is

compiled of my parents and many siblings between elementary age to

20-somethings).

> > > >

> > > > Mom is BPD-Waif (hence all of the now-adopted foster kids). I am not

close to anyone except my Dad...but I'm cautious there too. He can't have too

close of a relationship with me or mom's manipulation and jealousy will wreck

it. I am the BLACK sheep of the family in her eyes (and she's made sure to share

her pain of having such a lost, ungrateful, self-centered daughter with my

siblings and extended family...no one talks to me, but the " pray " for me).

> > > >

> > > > Like everyone else here...my family is a mess. Last year I saw them

twice and for the first time ever, I stayed at a hotel instead of with my

parents. It put me tremendous credit card debt, but creating that boundary

helped a lot.

> > > >

> > > > Being away from them for so long has been INCREDIBLY helpful. I've been

doing a LOT of internal work. Learning to really love and honor myself, to

reduce people's " power " over me, and to let drama " pass through me " instead of

feeling obligated to engage it. Now I " give from my fruit instead of my root. "

> > > >

> > > > It's been the most peaceful, empowering year of my life.

> > > >

> > > > Even for my little siblings, who I can tell are growing up pretty messed

up due to Mom's BPD and Dad's passivity, I don't feel an obligation to " save

them " anymore. Because I've finally learned I can't do that. I can only save

myself and inspire my siblings to follow in my footsteps (if they ever choose

to).

> > > >

> > > > I can tell I'm a LOT more ready to see them than I have in the past,

because I feel strong and peaceful in myself. EVERY time before, I would be

really stressed beforehand and dreading seeing them. Now I'm almost apathetic

about the visit. Which shows me my mom has no power over me (at least right

now).

> > > >

> > > > The apathy has come at a cost...not really caring about seeing my

siblings. They are all younger and none of them are safe for me to be

vulnerable with. If we spend time together, my mom will drill them afterwards

about if we talked about her. If I get too close to them, my mom has her

manipulative ways of making sure they know how much she hurts because of me. And

of course if they feel pressured to " choose sides, " they have to choose my

mom's.

> > > >

> > > > I'm taking a risk by staying with them (3 1/2 days). But I'll have my

own car so I can leave at anytime.

> > > >

> > > > So here's my Game Plan:

> > > > - I'll be polite, yet totally passive. I'm just there to play with the

kids and have friendly chatter with my parents.

> > > >

> > > > - I'm not going to discuss anything related to the family to anyone

(especially anything about mom).

> > > >

> > > > - When my mom asks me for my opinion about the kids (which she does to

make herself feel good or to pick a fight with me), I'll simply answer " Gosh I

don't know " and leave the room quickly to avoid an argument.

> > > >

> > > > - Most likely her annoyance with my passivity will grow. Which means she

could do her usual " explosion right before I leave for the airport. " But I feel

her " tremors " a day or so before the explosions (if her remarks and mood turn

negative to me). So if this happens, I will leave unexpectedly early (I own my

own business, so I can make up great excuses).

> > > >

> > > > - If she explodes on me before my last day, then I will stay in a hotel

and catch the first flight home. There's no point staying as she'll make my

siblings feel awkward to spend time with me, knowing she's so miserable.

> > > >

> > > > I have friends I can call if I need to talk. And of course I have you

guys!!

> > > >

> > > > You may be wondering...why are you going at all then to visit? It would

be nice to see the family. And my little sister bawled last month on the

phone...she misses me so much. So it's worth the risk to visit, because I know

how to handle it.

> > > >

> > > > And of course...it's possible at anytime something could happen while

I'm there which will undermine my gameplan. We'll see!

> > > >

> > > > I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading and feel free to share your

advice or tricks for visiting the BPD too!

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >