Guest guest Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Hello, I was in this group a few years back, until I didn't want to deal with these issues anymore. But alas, it never ends, so I've come crawling back as circumstances have changed - for the worse, of course, and I'm nearing the end of my mind. My father died suddenly in May, at the hands of negligent and incompetent doctors following knee replacement surgery. I loved him dearly although he was a great enabler to my toxic mother, who is now worse than ever without anyone at all to be accountable to. Took her months to disburse the money he left me, two weeks later she called and wanted me to return it because her account was overdrawn. When Pigs Fly! I told her absolutely not, transfer more money into the account instead. My two sons also inherited some money. Neither has yet received a dime. She told one she'd give it to him in a few months, when his messy life circumstances were resolved (too long and disappointing of a story to even try to explain), and two days later read me the riot act about all the money I've received, clearly showing how resentful she is that I inherited it. Her vengeful evil self has now decided to project her materialism onto me, and she's told my son how I'm after the rest of her money. My husband set him straight, telling him how evil and materialistic my mother is. I'm 55 years of age, an only child, and have been treated by my mother like an unwanted step-child my entire life. Her sister and I talk all the time, and she validates everything I say, telling me nada has always been this way....a spoiled brat! My aunt is nada's half sister, and nada's father treated my aunt like the unwanted step-child and so she learned at her daddy's knee these behaviors and takes great delight in treating me this way. I'm angry she outlived my father. Between marital and children drama, I have no more energy to deal with this witch and have not talked to her in over a week, refusing to answer and return the two phone calls I've received in that time from her. My oldest son, who is soon to get his inheritance, is about as selfish and entitled as nada, in fact his first wife was just like her! My reward for allowing nada to have a relationship with her grandkids. Silly me for hoping things would ever improve. I have got to establish some boundaries before I lose my mind. Not only with my evil nada, but with my son who continues to look to us to fix and rescue him from one poor choice after the next. He is like nada in the respect of loving things and using people and I'm tired of both of them using me. I've lost all my savings to bail this 29 year old out of his problems, was even charmingly persuaded to help him buy a motorcycle, yet whenever I want a thing from him or give him any advice, I get the cold shoulder and/or a bad attitude. And now he's gotten himself into a deeper mess that is just beyond my comprehension and the money he's going to get as his inheritance is going to melt away in a heartbeat. And when he finds himself in the next pickle, and its a good bet this will happen sooner than later, I'm going to say Good luck to you and keep my advice and money to myself. Tired of being used. Kari Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 That is so hard with your children because you do love them and what to help them. However, it is good that you see that he is just using you and has no interest in your well-being - just his on selfish needs. I am not in your position, but I do think reading some books on boundaries ASAP would be helpful. He, too, is using FOG with you to get you to give him money instead of feeling the consequences for his own behavior. I do see with my small children that because of my inability to set boundaries with my nada I naturally have boundary difficulties with my children. They know how to delay responses or beg enough to get me to not follow through with what I said I was/wasn't going to do. They are very bright and your son probably has manipulating you down to a science. If I were you I would cut off contact with all the crazy-makers in your life until you can get through a book on boundaries and plenty of trips to a therapist to work out your boundary issues before you do go insane. You really need to take care of yourself - even if that is staying in a motel for a week alone to gather strength to deal with people. Find your ground to stand on and feel good about staying strong before you try to tackle any of these issues. :-( jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... _____ From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of krn1957 Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2012 2:04 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Tired of it all Hello, I was in this group a few years back, until I didn't want to deal with these issues anymore. But alas, it never ends, so I've come crawling back as circumstances have changed - for the worse, of course, and I'm nearing the end of my mind. My father died suddenly in May, at the hands of negligent and incompetent doctors following knee replacement surgery. I loved him dearly although he was a great enabler to my toxic mother, who is now worse than ever without anyone at all to be accountable to. Took her months to disburse the money he left me, two weeks later she called and wanted me to return it because her account was overdrawn. When Pigs Fly! I told her absolutely not, transfer more money into the account instead. My two sons also inherited some money. Neither has yet received a dime. She told one she'd give it to him in a few months, when his messy life circumstances were resolved (too long and disappointing of a story to even try to explain), and two days later read me the riot act about all the money I've received, clearly showing how resentful she is that I inherited it. Her vengeful evil self has now decided to project her materialism onto me, and she's told my son how I'm after the rest of her money. My husband set him straight, telling him how evil and materialistic my mother is. I'm 55 years of age, an only child, and have been treated by my mother like an unwanted step-child my entire life. Her sister and I talk all the time, and she validates everything I say, telling me nada has always been this way....a spoiled brat! My aunt is nada's half sister, and nada's father treated my aunt like the unwanted step-child and so she learned at her daddy's knee these behaviors and takes great delight in treating me this way. I'm angry she outlived my father. Between marital and children drama, I have no more energy to deal with this witch and have not talked to her in over a week, refusing to answer and return the two phone calls I've received in that time from her. My oldest son, who is soon to get his inheritance, is about as selfish and entitled as nada, in fact his first wife was just like her! My reward for allowing nada to have a relationship with her grandkids. Silly me for hoping things would ever improve. I have got to establish some boundaries before I lose my mind. Not only with my evil nada, but with my son who continues to look to us to fix and rescue him from one poor choice after the next. He is like nada in the respect of loving things and using people and I'm tired of both of them using me. I've lost all my savings to bail this 29 year old out of his problems, was even charmingly persuaded to help him buy a motorcycle, yet whenever I want a thing from him or give him any advice, I get the cold shoulder and/or a bad attitude. And now he's gotten himself into a deeper mess that is just beyond my comprehension and the money he's going to get as his inheritance is going to melt away in a heartbeat. And when he finds himself in the next pickle, and its a good bet this will happen sooner than later, I'm going to say Good luck to you and keep my advice and money to myself. Tired of being used. Kari Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 , I started back to see a counselor about 6 weeks ago and I love your suggestions and observations. I totally agree, my son has manipulation down to a science. I think I've got a book around here about setting boundaries with adult children. I hate reading but I agree its time to dig it out and read it. Kari > > That is so hard with your children because you do love them and what to help > them. However, it is good that you see that he is just using you and has no > interest in your well-being - just his on selfish needs. I am not in your > position, but I do think reading some books on boundaries ASAP would be > helpful. He, too, is using FOG with you to get you to give him money > instead of feeling the consequences for his own behavior. I do see with my > small children that because of my inability to set boundaries with my nada I > naturally have boundary difficulties with my children. They know how to > delay responses or beg enough to get me to not follow through with what I > said I was/wasn't going to do. They are very bright and your son probably > has manipulating you down to a science. If I were you I would cut off > contact with all the crazy-makers in your life until you can get through a > book on boundaries and plenty of trips to a therapist to work out your > boundary issues before you do go insane. > > > > You really need to take care of yourself - even if that is staying in a > motel for a week alone to gather strength to deal with people. Find your > ground to stand on and feel good about staying strong before you try to > tackle any of these issues. :-( > > > > > > jwjrenslow@... > > > > _____ > > From: WTOAdultChildren1 > [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of krn1957 > Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2012 2:04 PM > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Subject: Tired of it all > > > > > > Hello, > I was in this group a few years back, until I didn't want to deal with these > issues anymore. But alas, it never ends, so I've come crawling back as > circumstances have changed - for the worse, of course, and I'm nearing the > end of my mind. > > My father died suddenly in May, at the hands of negligent and incompetent > doctors following knee replacement surgery. I loved him dearly although he > was a great enabler to my toxic mother, who is now worse than ever without > anyone at all to be accountable to. > > Took her months to disburse the money he left me, two weeks later she called > and wanted me to return it because her account was overdrawn. When Pigs Fly! > I told her absolutely not, transfer more money into the account instead. > > My two sons also inherited some money. Neither has yet received a dime. > She told one she'd give it to him in a few months, when his messy life > circumstances were resolved (too long and disappointing of a story to even > try to explain), and two days later read me the riot act about all the money > I've received, clearly showing how resentful she is that I inherited it. > > Her vengeful evil self has now decided to project her materialism onto me, > and she's told my son how I'm after the rest of her money. My husband set > him straight, telling him how evil and materialistic my mother is. > > I'm 55 years of age, an only child, and have been treated by my mother like > an unwanted step-child my entire life. Her sister and I talk all the time, > and she validates everything I say, telling me nada has always been this > way....a spoiled brat! My aunt is nada's half sister, and nada's father > treated my aunt like the unwanted step-child and so she learned at her > daddy's knee these behaviors and takes great delight in treating me this > way. > > I'm angry she outlived my father. Between marital and children drama, I have > no more energy to deal with this witch and have not talked to her in over a > week, refusing to answer and return the two phone calls I've received in > that time from her. > > My oldest son, who is soon to get his inheritance, is about as selfish and > entitled as nada, in fact his first wife was just like her! My reward for > allowing nada to have a relationship with her grandkids. Silly me for hoping > things would ever improve. > > I have got to establish some boundaries before I lose my mind. Not only with > my evil nada, but with my son who continues to look to us to fix and rescue > him from one poor choice after the next. He is like nada in the respect of > loving things and using people and I'm tired of both of them using me. > > I've lost all my savings to bail this 29 year old out of his problems, was > even charmingly persuaded to help him buy a motorcycle, yet whenever I want > a thing from him or give him any advice, I get the cold shoulder and/or a > bad attitude. And now he's gotten himself into a deeper mess that is just > beyond my comprehension and the money he's going to get as his inheritance > is going to melt away in a heartbeat. And when he finds himself in the next > pickle, and its a good bet this will happen sooner than later, I'm going to > say Good luck to you and keep my advice and money to myself. > > Tired of being used. > Kari > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 Just a comment on how long it takes to settle an estate. I am in the process of doing mother`s. The steps where I live are -get government death certificate (about 3 weeks) -request a search for the most recent will (1-2 months) -settle any debts. To do this you may need to advertise for debts, and to do final year taxes, which for someone who died in May could only be done in the spring of 2013. -once debts are settled you can divide the estate If money is given from the estate before all of these steps are taken the executor may be held for the debts. As you can see from the steps it could easily take a year to do all this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 25, 2012 Report Share Posted September 25, 2012 Hi Quoidonc, Thanks for the info....Do you know that if there's a will and an estate attorney, will it still take this long? The thought of it, for me, is such a mess! - ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2012 11:15 PM Subject: Re: Tired of it all  Just a comment on how long it takes to settle an estate. I am in the process of doing mother`s. The steps where I live are -get government death certificate (about 3 weeks) -request a search for the most recent will (1-2 months) -settle any debts. To do this you may need to advertise for debts, and to do final year taxes, which for someone who died in May could only be done in the spring of 2013. -once debts are settled you can divide the estate If money is given from the estate before all of these steps are taken the executor may be held for the debts. As you can see from the steps it could easily take a year to do all this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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