I can't NOT love myself.

[Guest guest]

Hello Friends,

I'm sure most of us struggle to love ourselves, as children of BPD/Narc parents.

For years I've worked on this through therapy, religion, anti-depressants,

exercise, prayer/daily affirmations and etc. All have helped, but not solved

the problem.

I often get hit with feelings of dread/depression about who I am. Usually

because I'm not taking care of a need for myself (because I'm either too busy

focusing on others' needs or finances are holding me back as I'm starting a

business).

Of course we're going to have moments of disappointment or needs suddenly hit us

that we can't fulfill at that time, but how I've reacted needs to change.

Especially as a highly sensitive person.

First I usually try to deny I'm even feeling bad. But when my mind denies my

pain, it comes out by my sudden drive to binge eat and watch TV. Once the

temporary numbing wears off, I feel like crap and will wonder " When will I ever

love myself! " This only inflames my dread/depression.

As I was journaling yesterday, a life-changing thought hit me:

The opposite of love is not hate...it's apathy. So when I have my " I hate

myself " moments, those feelings of dread/depression is actually an indication of

how MUCH I love myself! Because it's my subconscious saying, " Hey I love myself!

Please take care of me. "

So ultimately my very nature IS love. I can't NOT love myself. Sure I may have

moments of apathy, but that's not the same. I don't need to learn to love

myself, I already and fully do!

There's an incredible security in that for me. To know that whoever comes and

goes in my life, whatever rejection/abandonment I experience, I can never NOT be

loved.

At the moment I'm not sure how this is going to help me overcome my depression

and eating disorder, but I'm excited to let you know.