Re: Nada just showed up when I said not to - feedback please

September 24, 2012

You did the right thing by pointing out her disrespect. You had boundaries

and she crossed them and you told her so. However, you shouldn't have

backed down and asked her to stay if she wanted to. She could see your

weakness and I'm surprised she left anyway. It was a good day that she

didn't call you raging about how terrible you made her feel. It is a good

first step to boundaries - the next time will feel a little better.

Remember - they don't hear what you say. She wanted to be there and see

your son and even if she said it was her intention to help you she was not

willing to listen that you didn't want her.

My nada is the same way. We went shopping one day and she said I needed a

black dress for special occasions. I told her I had a black dress I hadn't

worn in several years. She didn't hear that. A week later she showed up

with a black dress she found that she bought me. It wasn't my style - it

was something she would have worn (just a different size). I did not

express my boundaries then either like I should - I just gave the dress to

Goodwill. I didn't know about BPD and boundaries then but to remember it

makes me furious that she didn't listen or care about what I said. Even

when they THINK it is about you it is really about THEM. :-(

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Sommer

Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 11:35 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Nada just showed up when I said not to -

feedback please

My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've been

updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her that we

had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we were

getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all up. She

asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different times.

I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had x-rays

and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that

something more serious is going on.

I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she did.

Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my annoyance

to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like this before.

This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I just

wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her visit.

I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

But she left instead.

Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that she

wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad even

said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I should be

mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. " And we hung

up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect what I had

said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would have only

prolonged the " conversation. "

So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting to

come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I did.

I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here. But

what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let some

things go?

September 24, 2012

,

The most important thing is that you be there for your son.

Nada does not deserve any of your energy.

It's good that she left.

She has nothing to contribute.

I apologize for being brief, am at lab at school.

I hope that your son is well soon.

Hugs,

-

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 10:35 AM

Subject: Nada just showed up when I said not to - feedback

please

Â

My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've been

updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her that we had

more tests done and that it isÂ indeed just a virus and that we were getting

medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all up. She asked if I

wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different times.

Â

I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had x-rays and

blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that something more

serious is going on.

Â

I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she did.

Â

Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my annoyance to

myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like this before.

Â

This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I just

wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

Â

She understandably gotÂ upset and didn't understand my response to her visit.Â I

told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

Â

She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

Â

Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

Â

But sheÂ left instead.

Â

Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that she

wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad even said

she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I should be mad, and

that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. " And we hung up. I wanted

to repeat that it was because she didn't respect what I had said, but I didn't

think she would " get it " and that it would have only prolonged the

" conversation. "

Â

So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand herÂ wanting to

come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I did.

Â

I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here. But what

do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let some things

go?

September 24, 2012

You shouldn't feel guilty for the fact that this woman disrespected your

boundary, was controlling and then turned it around on you. She played you

and it worked. Please don't allow yourself to be controlled (emotionally)

through guilt, for your sake and the sake of your family. I'm sad you're

more on her side than yours. Good luck with this.

On Mon, Sep 24, 2012 at 3:34 PM, Halloran laura.halloran@...>wrote:

> **

>

> ,

> The most important thing is that you be there for your son.

> Nada does not deserve any of your energy.

> It's good that she left.

> She has nothing to contribute.

> I apologize for being brief, am at lab at school.

> I hope that your son is well soon.

> Hugs,

> -

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

>

> Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 10:35 AM

>

> Subject: Nada just showed up when I said not to -

> feedback please

>

> My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've been

> updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her that we

> had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we were

> getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all up.

> She asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different times.

>

> I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had

> x-rays and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that

> something more serious is going on.

>

> I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she did.

>

> Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my

> annoyance to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like

> this before.

>

> This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I just

> wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

>

> She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her

> visit. I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

>

> She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

>

> Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

>

> But she left instead.

>

> Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that she

> wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad even

> said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I should be

> mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. " And we

> hung up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect what I

> had said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would have only

> prolonged the " conversation. "

>

> So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting

> to come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I

> did.

>

> I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here. But

> what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let some

> things go?

>

September 24, 2012

This sounds so harsh, sorry but please understand I don't intend to be mean

but these people are NOT ON OUR SIDE. So we have to be.

On Mon, Sep 24, 2012 at 5:07 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> You shouldn't feel guilty for the fact that this woman disrespected your

> boundary, was controlling and then turned it around on you. She played you

> and it worked. Please don't allow yourself to be controlled (emotionally)

> through guilt, for your sake and the sake of your family. I'm sad you're

> more on her side than yours. Good luck with this.

>

> On Mon, Sep 24, 2012 at 3:34 PM, Halloran

laura.halloran@...>wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>> ,

>> The most important thing is that you be there for your son.

>> Nada does not deserve any of your energy.

>> It's good that she left.

>> She has nothing to contribute.

>> I apologize for being brief, am at lab at school.

>> I hope that your son is well soon.

>> Hugs,

>> -

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>> To: " WTOAdultChildren1 WTOAdultChildren1 >

>> Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 10:35 AM

>>

>> Subject: Nada just showed up when I said not to -

>> feedback please

>>

>> My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've been

>> updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her that we

>> had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we were

>> getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all up.

>> She asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different times.

>>

>> I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had

>> x-rays and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that

>> something more serious is going on.

>>

>> I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she

>> did.

>>

>> Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my

>> annoyance to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like

>> this before.

>>

>> This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I

>> just wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

>>

>> She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her

>> visit. I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

>>

>> She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

>>

>> Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

>>

>> But she left instead.

>>

>> Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that

>> she wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad

>> even said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I

>> should be mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. "

>> And we hung up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect

>> what I had said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would

>> have only prolonged the " conversation. "

>>

>> So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting

>> to come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I

>> did.

>>

>> I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here.

>> But what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let

>> some things go?

>>

September 24, 2012

((((()))))

Don't be too hard on yourself. Its never easy to begin setting boundaries. And

its harder to do when you are emotionally stressed out already. You were

naturally very stressed and worried about your child.

Still, no matter what the situation, you have a right to be heard and respected,

not ignored and treated like a child yourself. Your nada perhaps isn't used to

actually hearing what you are saying and respecting your decisions if you're

saying something that is the opposite of what she wants to do. (Really

similarly to the way a toddler who is determined to get a cookie out of the jar

is not " hearing " you say NO, sweetie, please get down off the counter. " )

Your nada wanted to come over, so she wasn't really *hearing* you tell her " No. "

Or, she wasn't processing it.

Please do not let misplaced guilt or force of habit prevent you from assertively

but calmly and politely set normal, reasonable adult boundaries for yourself.

You have the right to say " NO " if you want to; we all do.

The more you set boundaries, the less ALIEN it feels to say things like " No,

thanks " or " This isn't a good time for me " or " I'm sorry but I need to go /hang

up now. " to our nadas.

I hope your little boy gets better very soon, that must be very upsetting to see

him not able to eat and not know exactly why.

-Annie

>

> My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've been

updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her that we had

more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we were getting

medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all up. She asked if I

wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different times.

>

> I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had x-rays

and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that something

more serious is going on.

>

> I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she did.

>

> Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my annoyance to

myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like this before.

>

> This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I just

wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

>

> She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her visit. I

told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

>

> She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

>

> Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

>

> But she left instead.

>

> Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that she

wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad even said

she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I should be mad, and

that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. " And we hung up. I wanted

to repeat that it was because she didn't respect what I had said, but I didn't

think she would " get it " and that it would have only prolonged the

" conversation. "

>

> So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting to

come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I did.

>

> I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here. But

what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let some

things go?

>

September 24, 2012

Hope your boy recovers soon!

On Mon, Sep 24, 2012 at 8:44 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

> ((((()))))

> Don't be too hard on yourself. Its never easy to begin setting boundaries.

> And its harder to do when you are emotionally stressed out already. You

> were naturally very stressed and worried about your child.

>

> Still, no matter what the situation, you have a right to be heard and

> respected, not ignored and treated like a child yourself. Your nada perhaps

> isn't used to actually hearing what you are saying and respecting your

> decisions if you're saying something that is the opposite of what she wants

> to do. (Really similarly to the way a toddler who is determined to get a

> cookie out of the jar is not " hearing " you say NO, sweetie, please get down

> off the counter. " )

>

> Your nada wanted to come over, so she wasn't really *hearing* you tell her

> " No. " Or, she wasn't processing it.

>

> Please do not let misplaced guilt or force of habit prevent you from

> assertively but calmly and politely set normal, reasonable adult boundaries

> for yourself. You have the right to say " NO " if you want to; we all do.

>

> The more you set boundaries, the less ALIEN it feels to say things like

> " No, thanks " or " This isn't a good time for me " or " I'm sorry but I need to

> go /hang up now. " to our nadas.

>

> I hope your little boy gets better very soon, that must be very upsetting

> to see him not able to eat and not know exactly why.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've

> been updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her

> that we had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we

> were getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all

> up. She asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different

> times.

> >

> > I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had

> x-rays and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that

> something more serious is going on.

> >

> > I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she

> did.

> >

> > Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my

> annoyance to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like

> this before.

> >

> > This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I

> just wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

> >

> > She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her

> visit. I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

> >

> > She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

> >

> > Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

> >

> > But she left instead.

> >

> > Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that

> she wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad

> even said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I

> should be mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. "

> And we hung up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect

> what I had said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would

> have only prolonged the " conversation. "

> >

> > So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting

> to come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I

> did.

> >

> > I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here.

> But what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let

> some things go?

> >

September 25, 2012

Of course you did the right thing, and your reaction is totally normal. It's

the cycle-

1. You state a boundary.

2. She violates it.

3. She triggers your guilt.

4. You stew in guilt and question reality.

5. You either give in (and apologize), or hold firm yet dig yourself deeper

into the cruel daughter self-image.

6. Cry and repeat.

You hit step 5 and didn't give in, and you came here to short out the circuit

with validation. I'd say that's a win. Go you!

>

> You did the right thing by pointing out her disrespect. You had boundaries

> and she crossed them and you told her so. However, you shouldn't have

> backed down and asked her to stay if she wanted to. She could see your

> weakness and I'm surprised she left anyway. It was a good day that she

> didn't call you raging about how terrible you made her feel. It is a good

> first step to boundaries - the next time will feel a little better.

> Remember - they don't hear what you say. She wanted to be there and see

> your son and even if she said it was her intention to help you she was not

> willing to listen that you didn't want her.

>

> My nada is the same way. We went shopping one day and she said I needed a

> black dress for special occasions. I told her I had a black dress I hadn't

> worn in several years. She didn't hear that. A week later she showed up

> with a black dress she found that she bought me. It wasn't my style - it

> was something she would have worn (just a different size). I did not

> express my boundaries then either like I should - I just gave the dress to

> Goodwill. I didn't know about BPD and boundaries then but to remember it

> makes me furious that she didn't listen or care about what I said. Even

> when they THINK it is about you it is really about THEM. :-(

>

> jwjrenslow@...

>

> _____

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Sommer

> Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 11:35 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Nada just showed up when I said not to -

> feedback please

>

> My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've been

> updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her that we

> had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we were

> getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all up. She

> asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different times.

>

> I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had x-rays

> and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that

> something more serious is going on.

>

> I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she did.

>

> Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my annoyance

> to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like this before.

>

> This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I just

> wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

>

> She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her visit.

> I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

>

> She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

>

> Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

>

> But she left instead.

>

> Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that she

> wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad even

> said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I should be

> mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. " And we hung

> up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect what I had

> said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would have only

> prolonged the " conversation. "

>

> So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting to

> come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I did.

>

> I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here. But

> what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let some

> things go?

>

September 25, 2012

All of your replies helped so much. I kept repeating to myself throughout the

day, " I said don't come over, and she didn't care and came over anyway. "

I also noticed that I felt way better than I used to feel when I would let her

do things like that.

I'm prepared for her to further respond to this situation by saying that I'm a

cold person and that's why I don't have any friends--the things she says when

she's upset that I don't call her every day or ask her to do things with

me, but that's okay. I had a nice quiet day with my son--who was finally able to

eat something. : )

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 6:33 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Nada just showed up when I said not to -

feedback please

Hope your boy recovers soon!

On Mon, Sep 24, 2012 at 8:44 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

> ((((()))))

> Don't be too hard on yourself. Its never easy to begin setting boundaries.

> And its harder to do when you are emotionally stressed out already. You

> were naturally very stressed and worried about your child.

>

> Still, no matter what the situation, you have a right to be heard and

> respected, not ignored and treated like a child yourself. Your nada perhaps

> isn't used to actually hearing what you are saying and respecting your

> decisions if you're saying something that is the opposite of what she wants

> to do. (Really similarly to the way a toddler who is determined to get a

> cookie out of the jar is not " hearing " you say NO, sweetie, please get down

> off the counter. " )

>

> Your nada wanted to come over, so she wasn't really *hearing* you tell her

> " No. " Or, she wasn't processing it.

>

> Please do not let misplaced guilt or force of habit prevent you from

> assertively but calmly and politely set normal, reasonable adult boundaries

> for yourself. You have the right to say " NO " if you want to; we all do.

>

> The more you set boundaries, the less ALIEN it feels to say things like

> " No, thanks " or " This isn't a good time for me " or " I'm sorry but I need to

> go /hang up now. " to our nadas.

>

> I hope your little boy gets better very soon, that must be very upsetting

> to see him not able to eat and not know exactly why.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've

> been updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her

> that we had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we

> were getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all

> up. She asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different

> times.

> >

> > I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had

> x-rays and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that

> something more serious is going on.

> >

> > I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she

> did.

> >

> > Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my

> annoyance to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like

> this before.

> >

> > This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I

> just wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

> >

> > She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her

> visit. I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

> >

> > She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

> >

> > Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

> >

> > But she left instead.

> >

> > Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that

> she wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad

> even said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I

> should be mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. "

> And we hung up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect

> what I had said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would

> have only prolonged the " conversation. "

> >

> > So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting

> to come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I

> did.

> >

> > I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here.

> But what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let

> some things go?

> >

September 25, 2012

I've experienced this with my mom too --- her desire to " help " overrides her

ability to HEAR and RESPECT what others have asked of her. As well all know, it

gets twisted around eventually so that she looks like the victim when she was

just trying to be helpful - and now everyone else carries the guilt around for

making her feel so bad.

....on the other hand, how wonderful that you were able to stand your ground and

be there for your son and spend the day together in a peaceful way (even if it

wasn't peaceful in your head). I'm glad he's feeling better!

> > >

> > > My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've

> > been updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her

> > that we had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that we

> > were getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all

> > up. She asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different

> > times.

> > >

> > > I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had

> > x-rays and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and that

> > something more serious is going on.

> > >

> > > I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she

> > did.

> > >

> > > Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my

> > annoyance to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like

> > this before.

> > >

> > > This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I

> > just wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like that.

> > >

> > > She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her

> > visit. I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

> > >

> > > She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

> > >

> > > Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

> > >

> > > But she left instead.

> > >

> > > Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that

> > she wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my dad

> > even said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I

> > should be mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank you. "

> > And we hung up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect

> > what I had said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would

> > have only prolonged the " conversation. "

> > >

> > > So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her wanting

> > to come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I

> > did.

> > >

> > > I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here.

> > But what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and let

> > some things go?

> > >

September 25, 2012

I'm glad your son feels better. One thing that seems to help is depriving

the nada of information. If " everything's fine " and we're just boring

people who don't have much going on without much emotion they have nothing

to " help " with or attach their games. You're so right, she trampled your

boundary and then she turned it around on you.

On Tue, Sep 25, 2012 at 9:21 AM, Sommer gunnysacked@...>wrote:

> **

>

> All of your replies helped so much. I kept repeating to myself throughout

> the day, " I said don't come over, and she didn't care and came over

> anyway. "

>

> I also noticed that I felt way better than I used to feel when I would let

> her do things like that.

>

> I'm prepared for her to further respond to this situation by saying that

> I'm a cold person and that's why I don't have any friends--the things she

> says when she's upset that I don't call her every day or ask her to do

> things with me, but that's okay. I had a nice quiet day with my son--who

> was finally able to eat something. : )

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, September 24, 2012 6:33 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: Nada just showed up when I said not

> to - feedback please

>

> Hope your boy recovers soon!

>

> On Mon, Sep 24, 2012 at 8:44 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...

> >wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> > ((((()))))

> > Don't be too hard on yourself. Its never easy to begin setting

> boundaries.

> > And its harder to do when you are emotionally stressed out already. You

> > were naturally very stressed and worried about your child.

> >

> > Still, no matter what the situation, you have a right to be heard and

> > respected, not ignored and treated like a child yourself. Your nada

> perhaps

> > isn't used to actually hearing what you are saying and respecting your

> > decisions if you're saying something that is the opposite of what she

> wants

> > to do. (Really similarly to the way a toddler who is determined to get a

> > cookie out of the jar is not " hearing " you say NO, sweetie, please get

> down

> > off the counter. " )

> >

> > Your nada wanted to come over, so she wasn't really *hearing* you tell

> her

> > " No. " Or, she wasn't processing it.

> >

> > Please do not let misplaced guilt or force of habit prevent you from

> > assertively but calmly and politely set normal, reasonable adult

> boundaries

> > for yourself. You have the right to say " NO " if you want to; we all do.

> >

> > The more you set boundaries, the less ALIEN it feels to say things like

> > " No, thanks " or " This isn't a good time for me " or " I'm sorry but I need

> to

> > go /hang up now. " to our nadas.

> >

> > I hope your little boy gets better very soon, that must be very upsetting

> > to see him not able to eat and not know exactly why.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> > >

> > > My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've

> > been updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her

> > that we had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that

> we

> > were getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all

> > up. She asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different

> > times.

> > >

> > > I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had

> > x-rays and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and

> that

> > something more serious is going on.

> > >

> > > I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she

> > did.

> > >

> > > Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my

> > annoyance to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like

> > this before.

> > >

> > > This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I

> > just wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like

> that.

> > >

> > > She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her

> > visit. I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

> > >

> > > She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

> > >

> > > Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

> > >

> > > But she left instead.

> > >

> > > Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that

> > she wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my

> dad

> > even said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I

> > should be mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank

> you. "

> > And we hung up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect

> > what I had said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would

> > have only prolonged the " conversation. "

> > >

> > > So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her

> wanting

> > to come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I

> > did.

> > >

> > > I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here.

> > But what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and

> let

> > some things go?

> > >

September 25, 2012

I've noticed that, too: the less info I give to my nada, the less she has to

comment on/disrespect/try to " fix " /etc... " Everything's fine " (or in her eyes,

boring -- I swear she thrives on drama) has become my standard reply and you

know, as two working people with busy lives trying to raise kids in a peaceful

environment, most often it's the truth!

> > > >

> > > > My 9-year old son has been throwing up for 7 days straight, and I've

> > > been updating my mother each day. I called her this morning to tell her

> > > that we had more tests done and that it is indeed just a virus and that

> > we

> > > were getting medication so that he could finally eat and not throw it all

> > > up. She asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no. Three different

> > > times.

> > > >

> > > > I did not want her over because she adds more stress. Although we had

> > > x-rays and blood work, she is insisting that " it's just not right " and

> > that

> > > something more serious is going on.

> > > >

> > > > I had this feeling that she would just show up. And, sure enough, she

> > > did.

> > > >

> > > > Before I knew about BPD, I would have just let her in and kept my

> > > annoyance to myself--as I've done the many times she has done things like

> > > this before.

> > > >

> > > > This time, I answered the door and said something like, " I told you I

> > > just wanted to spend the day with me and my son " -- or something like

> > that.

> > > >

> > > > She understandably got upset and didn't understand my response to her

> > > visit. I told her it was because she didn't respect what I had said.

> > > >

> > > > She hugged my son and said that she would just go.

> > > >

> > > > Feeling guilty, I said she could stay with my son.

> > > >

> > > > But she left instead.

> > > >

> > > > Then, she called on her cell phone. I just let her talk. She said that

> > > she wanted to give me moral support, be with her grandson, and that my

> > dad

> > > even said she should have come over. She said that she didn't think I

> > > should be mad, and that it was not her intention. I just said " thank

> > you. "

> > > And we hung up. I wanted to repeat that it was because she didn't respect

> > > what I had said, but I didn't think she would " get it " and that it would

> > > have only prolonged the " conversation. "

> > > >

> > > > So, of course, I'm feeling like a jerk! I totally understand her

> > wanting

> > > to come over, and I know she must just feel awful that I reacted like I

> > > did.

> > > >

> > > > I want to establish my boundaries, and I really did not want her here.

> > > But what do you think? Was I too harsh? Should I " pick my battles " and

> > let

> > > some things go?

> > > >

September 25, 2012

Ouch! Number 4 is so me. It can be triggered by nada or any other bully. This is

exactly what I'm working on these days. Kudos to you, elmtree, for saying it so

plainly. Maybe hearing it like that will help me see what the truth is, rather

than the FOG.Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2012 8:13 AM

Subject: Re: Nada just showed up when I said not to -