possible no-win situation

[Guest guest]

I was really inspired by Peaceful Warrior Woman's visit with her family. I have

a visit coming up and I would love to make it successful, but I am so scared

that there is no way to make that happen.

We are going to my stepfather's memorial service. He passed away in June but

the memorial is only happening now. Nada's hysterical, overwrought, selfish

reaction to his death was the impetus for me realizing she has undiagnosed BPD,

so a memorial service for him is not exactly going to bring out the best in her.

We are only going to be in town for 24 hours (and we're staying with my sister)

so it may not be as terrible as I fear. I just can't imagine that something

won't happen to set her off and I feel like I don't know how to protect myself

(or even what I am allowed to protect myself from given the circumstances).

She has been feuding with stepfather's two sons pretty much through the entire

ten years of their marriage, and she convinced stepfather to leave nothing to

them in his will (apparently he left a small amount to each of his grandchildren

[their children], but nothing directly to them; they will get some of what's

left when nada dies). She says that stepfather did this because he couldn't

trust them to take care of her financially, which is likely true, but I

definitely think that she bullied stepfather into doing it (especially the part

where they are literally not even named in the will; that just feels hurtful).

She rattles on to me constantly about how " mean " these sons are to her and how

she " deserves " all the money; so far she hasn't demanded that I tell her she's

right (she just assumes I think so) but I am afraid she will. Should I just lie

not to start a fight?

And, is there any possible way to keep her happy at this memorial service?

Since stepfather's death she has been carrying on that no one is " honoring her

as the widow " (that's a quote) and I'm sure she is going to feel slighted in

*some* way that will set her off....

Thanks for listening.

Leah

[Guest guest]

She sounds horrible. I'd just nod and smile and leave if she gets

confrontational.

On Wed, Sep 26, 2012 at 5:26 PM, Badgerdog dachshundmaggie@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> I was really inspired by Peaceful Warrior Woman's visit with her family. I

> have a visit coming up and I would love to make it successful, but I am so

> scared that there is no way to make that happen.

>

> We are going to my stepfather's memorial service. He passed away in June

> but the memorial is only happening now. Nada's hysterical, overwrought,

> selfish reaction to his death was the impetus for me realizing she has

> undiagnosed BPD, so a memorial service for him is not exactly going to

> bring out the best in her.

>

> We are only going to be in town for 24 hours (and we're staying with my

> sister) so it may not be as terrible as I fear. I just can't imagine that

> something won't happen to set her off and I feel like I don't know how to

> protect myself (or even what I am allowed to protect myself from given the

> circumstances).

>

> She has been feuding with stepfather's two sons pretty much through the

> entire ten years of their marriage, and she convinced stepfather to leave

> nothing to them in his will (apparently he left a small amount to each of

> his grandchildren [their children], but nothing directly to them; they will

> get some of what's left when nada dies). She says that stepfather did this

> because he couldn't trust them to take care of her financially, which is

> likely true, but I definitely think that she bullied stepfather into doing

> it (especially the part where they are literally not even named in the

> will; that just feels hurtful).

>

> She rattles on to me constantly about how " mean " these sons are to her and

> how she " deserves " all the money; so far she hasn't demanded that I tell

> her she's right (she just assumes I think so) but I am afraid she will.

> Should I just lie not to start a fight?

>

> And, is there any possible way to keep her happy at this memorial service?

> Since stepfather's death she has been carrying on that no one is " honoring

> her as the widow " (that's a quote) and I'm sure she is going to feel

> slighted in *some* way that will set her off....

>

> Thanks for listening.

> Leah

>

>

[Guest guest]

Here are a few suggestions that I think might help.

Read the short article called " Medium Chill " , at post #132289 of this Group. It

describes a way to just stay calm and neutral when you are forced into contact

with a disagreeable, difficult person. The idea is that by remaining calm,

neutral, bland, yet polite and minimally responsive, you are giving them nothing

to react to, nothing to " work with " .

Never be alone with the personality disordered person; have someone at your

elbow at all times. Take a friend with you to the restroom, don't let the pd

individual corner you in the bathroom. Those with pds prefer to do their

manipulating or issue their threats or hurl their insults in private, where

there are no witnesses.

You are not obligated to answer any questions or offer any opinions at all,

about anything. If someone asks you a leading question, or tries to provoke you

into defending yourself, or becomes hysterical or enraged toward you, that's the

time to just smoothly and calmly say " Excuse me " and leave their presence, or

leave the premises. You are not obligated to remain frozen to your chair or to

the floor if someone begins acting out inappropriately toward you. Its OK to

just walk away from them. If they persist and follow you around, then its time

to go home. Nobody will think badly of you; they will even admire you for

keeping your cool and de-escalating an ugly scene.

Best of luck to you; I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that the event is

uneventful, so to speak.

-Annie

>

> I was really inspired by Peaceful Warrior Woman's visit with her family. I

have a visit coming up and I would love to make it successful, but I am so

scared that there is no way to make that happen.

>

> We are going to my stepfather's memorial service. He passed away in June but

the memorial is only happening now. Nada's hysterical, overwrought, selfish

reaction to his death was the impetus for me realizing she has undiagnosed BPD,

so a memorial service for him is not exactly going to bring out the best in her.

>

> We are only going to be in town for 24 hours (and we're staying with my

sister) so it may not be as terrible as I fear. I just can't imagine that

something won't happen to set her off and I feel like I don't know how to

protect myself (or even what I am allowed to protect myself from given the

circumstances).

>

> She has been feuding with stepfather's two sons pretty much through the entire

ten years of their marriage, and she convinced stepfather to leave nothing to

them in his will (apparently he left a small amount to each of his grandchildren

[their children], but nothing directly to them; they will get some of what's

left when nada dies). She says that stepfather did this because he couldn't

trust them to take care of her financially, which is likely true, but I

definitely think that she bullied stepfather into doing it (especially the part

where they are literally not even named in the will; that just feels hurtful).

>

> She rattles on to me constantly about how " mean " these sons are to her and how

she " deserves " all the money; so far she hasn't demanded that I tell her she's

right (she just assumes I think so) but I am afraid she will. Should I just lie

not to start a fight?

>

> And, is there any possible way to keep her happy at this memorial service?

Since stepfather's death she has been carrying on that no one is " honoring her

as the widow " (that's a quote) and I'm sure she is going to feel slighted in

*some* way that will set her off....

>

> Thanks for listening.

> Leah

>