Guest guest Posted September 28, 2012 Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 I know everyone recommends not being alone with Nada, but unfortunately, i find the only way i can tackle her effectively is when my husband isn't there. When she provokes me, he tells me off for becoming upset. Admittedly, there are certain things she only does out of others' earshot but i find i have to say something to her and i have to do it when we're alone because my husband doesn't understand how much her barbed comments hurt me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2012 Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 Aren't there other options for not being alone than having your husband with you? Is there a reason you can't meet her in a more public place where other people are around? Most nadas make more of an effort to control themselves when strangers might see or hear them misbehaving. At 01:39 PM 09/28/2012 jeanie wrote: >I know everyone recommends not being alone with Nada, but >unfortunately, i find the only way i can tackle her effectively >is when my husband isn't there. When she provokes me, he tells >me off for becoming upset. Admittedly, there are certain >things she only does out of others' earshot but i find i have >to say something to her and i have to do it when we're alone >because my husband doesn't understand how much her barbed >comments hurt me. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2012 Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 To me, the journey toward healing is more about finding out what works best for YOU than it is about there being only one right way or best way to manage the relationship with a bpd parent. But if you keep trying something and it isn't working very well (if your nada continues to be able to provoke you with her barbed comments) why not try a different approach, like an experiment? So, if you can't meet with your nada in a public place, or with someone other than your husband, perhaps buy a small recording device and put it on the table between you when you need to have a discussion with your nada. Maybe if your nada knows she is being recorded it will act as a deterrent to her RE making the barbed comments that hurt your feelings. -Annie > > I know everyone recommends not being alone with Nada, but unfortunately, i find the only way i can tackle her effectively is when my husband isn't there. When she provokes me, he tells me off for becoming upset. Admittedly, there are certain things she only does out of others' earshot but i find i have to say something to her and i have to do it when we're alone because my husband doesn't understand how much her barbed comments hurt me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Great advice- it was like that for me, I had to find what worked for me. > > > > I know everyone recommends not being alone with Nada, but unfortunately, i find the only way i can tackle her effectively is when my husband isn't there. When she provokes me, he tells me off for becoming upset. Admittedly, there are certain things she only does out of others' earshot but i find i have to say something to her and i have to do it when we're alone because my husband doesn't understand how much her barbed comments hurt me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Perhaps you might get your husband to read SWOE. It might open his eyes. Perhaps he might deal with the fact that you get to respond how you choose to being hurt, this bullshit of " oh suck it up, that didnt hurt " is just that: bullshit. And perhaps your husband is an asshole. Sorry if that is over the line, Jeanie, but speaking as a KO, and a husband and father and grandfather, and one of the handful of men in this group, he sure comes across to me as a whirling ass. Silly me, when I got married I thought it was my job to protect, defend, and comfort my wife. Again, sorry if that is over the line, but also, again, what an asshole. Perhaps he is simply one of your Nada s flying monkeys. If THAT is the case, then of course he is an asshole. Doug > > I know everyone recommends not being alone with Nada, but unfortunately, i find the only way i can tackle her effectively is when my husband isn't there. When she provokes me, he tells me off for becoming upset. Admittedly, there are certain things she only does out of others' earshot but i find i have to say something to her and i have to do it when we're alone because my husband doesn't understand how much her barbed comments hurt me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 My NADA, being elderly, now lives with my husband and myself....(We do have an in-law apartment, which is the only reason I agreed to try this.) I had my husband read Ann Lawson's book....the section on the Queen and the Witch. I explained to him....that's how I grew up....that was exactly my experience. That's who she was/is with me, behind closed doors, while the rest of the world thought and still thinks she was/is just charming. He says he understands (how can anyone really understand who hasn't lived it, but he is really trying to). He is supportive of me when she tries to cut me down. That would be one suggestion. Have him read the book. A way of showing your husband....Look, I am not the only one. My own problem is.....mother's " barbed comments " bring up my memories of childhood. I am 64 years old. I have lived away from home since I was 18. And I thought I had put all this to rest. But I am finding out what PTS is. That it can lie dormant for years....for decades....but in an instant....there you are down the rabbit hole again. > ** > > > I know everyone recommends not being alone with Nada, but unfortunately, i > find the only way i can tackle her effectively is when my husband isn't > there. When she provokes me, he tells me off for becoming upset. > Admittedly, there are certain things she only does out of others' earshot > but i find i have to say something to her and i have to do it when we're > alone because my husband doesn't understand how much her barbed comments > hurt me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 > > > > I know everyone recommends not being alone with Nada, but > unfortunately, i find the only way i can tackle her effectively is when > my husband isn't there. When she provokes me, he tells me off for > becoming upset. Admittedly, there are certain things she only does out > of others' earshot but i find i have to say something to her and i have > to do it when we're alone because my husband doesn't understand how much > her barbed comments hurt me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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