Re: Nada loved making me angry

[Guest guest]

Yes, my nada would deliberately " pick at " me, meaning she would find fault with

things I'd said or done and she'd make accusations that I'd said, done, or even

thought something bad that I hadn't, in an effort to get me to defend myself,

which would then give my nada the opportunity to really lash out at me verbally

and sometimes physically. She would attempt to provoke a fight; it was quite

deliberate.

She used to do that with my dad too: just pick, pick, pick, pick at him until

he'd stand up for himself and that was what nada was waiting for.

Nada and dad would yell at each other, full volume, with nada louder and

screechier, then I'd hear the door slam; dad would leave and go drive around for

a while. Nada would come stomping down the hallway looking for Sister or me;

she wasn't done yet. She'd continue her rage-tantrum at us after dad had left.

Sister and I learned to make ourselves scarce if at all possible when the

yelling would start.

My nada was more into giving gifts with strings attached, rather than

withholding them. I guess its pretty much the same thing, though.

-Annie

>

> Nada loved making me angry. She also liked withholding things. She still

does. I am very LC with her now, and still feel guilty, even though i know i'm

doing it to protect myself. Does anyone else feel their nada enjoys making them

angry and deliberately withholding things from them?

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes. Mine would enjoy withholding things as well as promising things and then

taking them back or denying that she ever had promised them. She also enjoyed

flaunting in my face things she had given to my sister (and others) who she

considered " good " and thus deserving when she considered me " bad " and not

deserving because I dared to have my own view/independent life.

I will never forget how she gave my sister all her jewelry (including pieces

from her deceased Mother) and took my sister (and explicitly told me I was not

welcome) on a trip to Hawaii and then went on and on to me about how wonderful

the trip was and how lovely and valuable the jewelry was. This was because as a

thirty-something-year-old, I dared to tell her that I did not want to live where

she was living which was thousands of miles from where my partner was and where

I had built my life over the previous decade.

I don't think she was trying to make me angry; I think she was trying to make me

sorry/jealous and also to try show me what I was losing by not being/doing what

she wanted.

Wow, it has been a while since I have thought about these things and from the

perspective of being a parent of two girls myself, I realize how twisted this

is.

I also remember when I did still live at home that she told me that she loved

our dog more than me. She was actually trying to make me jealous of our dog

because he was more " loyal " to her than I was.

Frightening.

HC

> >

> > Nada loved making me angry. She also liked withholding things. She still

does. I am very LC with her now, and still feel guilty, even though i know i'm

doing it to protect myself. Does anyone else feel their nada enjoys making them

angry and deliberately withholding things from them?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It took me years to realize that nada deliberately make me angry. She always

find a way - with some word, action or no action...she did this with the most

innocent face. And when I exploded she was so happy to play the Victim of her

cruel daughter.

I felt guilty every time although I knew I have the right to be angry

considering her action or words. And I felt completely stupid after raging at

her on phone knowing that it won't change anything.

One day my friend enlightened me that this is just her power game, her attempt

to get my attention , my energy and a reason to be poor victim. At that time I

had already know about BDP and I had established my boundaries so for her it was

the last option to get me into her game because others attempts didn't work any

more.

So I stopped. I just said that I won't discuss that and put a telephone down or

start joking or redirect the conversation....she of course had tried again and

again but when she realised that she can not get me angry any more and that I

would stick to my boundaries she almost completeley lost an interest about me.

When I call her once a week now ( this is my boundary) she get bored after few

minutes and she is the one who ends conversation. Before she harassed me with

calls every single day.

Yenaine

>

> Nada loved making me angry. She also liked withholding things. She still

does. I am very LC with her now, and still feel guilty, even though i know i'm

doing it to protect myself. Does anyone else feel their nada enjoys making them

angry and deliberately withholding things from them?

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you! It is very sad that they use us so deliberately, but at least

you have your peace now. :-)

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of yenaine

Sent: Sunday, September 30, 2012 9:42 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Nada loved making me angry

It took me years to realize that nada deliberately make me angry. She always

find a way - with some word, action or no action...she did this with the

most innocent face. And when I exploded she was so happy to play the Victim

of her cruel daughter.

I felt guilty every time although I knew I have the right to be angry

considering her action or words. And I felt completely stupid after raging

at her on phone knowing that it won't change anything.

One day my friend enlightened me that this is just her power game, her

attempt to get my attention , my energy and a reason to be poor victim. At

that time I had already know about BDP and I had established my boundaries

so for her it was the last option to get me into her game because others

attempts didn't work any more.

So I stopped. I just said that I won't discuss that and put a telephone down

or start joking or redirect the conversation....she of course had tried

again and again but when she realised that she can not get me angry any more

and that I would stick to my boundaries she almost completeley lost an

interest about me.

When I call her once a week now ( this is my boundary) she get bored after

few minutes and she is the one who ends conversation. Before she harassed me

with calls every single day.

Yenaine

>

> Nada loved making me angry. She also liked withholding things. She still

does. I am very LC with her now, and still feel guilty, even though i know

i'm doing it to protect myself. Does anyone else feel their nada enjoys

making them angry and deliberately withholding things from them?

>

[Guest guest]

My Mom decided to take only my brother and his wife on a cruise.

Okay, fine but it was one week after I had tried to get the whole family

together for a final trip because my Dad is dying and has about 3 months to

live. The trip fell through because the brother who she decided to take on the

cruise would not work on finding a time for all.

Only his schedule was to be considered.

My Mom said only he was invited on the cruise because he and his wife had had

such a hard life. Not true, they have been supported and taken care if by my

parents since they got pregnant and had to get married.

They make great money now, more than my other two brothers and me.

Somehow this fact is not visible to nada.

I think she enjoyed hurting me. She told my other two brothers I was jealous

and greedy.

Life sucks then you die.

> Good for you! It is very sad that they use us so deliberately, but at least

> you have your peace now. :-)

>

>

>

> jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

>

> _____

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of yenaine

> Sent: Sunday, September 30, 2012 9:42 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Re: Nada loved making me angry

>

> It took me years to realize that nada deliberately make me angry. She always

> find a way - with some word, action or no action...she did this with the

> most innocent face. And when I exploded she was so happy to play the Victim

> of her cruel daughter.

>

> I felt guilty every time although I knew I have the right to be angry

> considering her action or words. And I felt completely stupid after raging

> at her on phone knowing that it won't change anything.

>

> One day my friend enlightened me that this is just her power game, her

> attempt to get my attention , my energy and a reason to be poor victim. At

> that time I had already know about BDP and I had established my boundaries

> so for her it was the last option to get me into her game because others

> attempts didn't work any more.

>

> So I stopped. I just said that I won't discuss that and put a telephone down

> or start joking or redirect the conversation....she of course had tried

> again and again but when she realised that she can not get me angry any more

> and that I would stick to my boundaries she almost completeley lost an

> interest about me.

>

> When I call her once a week now ( this is my boundary) she get bored after

> few minutes and she is the one who ends conversation. Before she harassed me

> with calls every single day.

>

> Yenaine

>

>

> >

> > Nada loved making me angry. She also liked withholding things. She still

> does. I am very LC with her now, and still feel guilty, even though i know

> i'm doing it to protect myself. Does anyone else feel their nada enjoys

> making them angry and deliberately withholding things from them?

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, how do you hit the nail on the head EVERY time? I just FINALLY equated

my mother " picking on me " to when my brother used to pick on me as a kid. NEVER

happy until she had me so upset I either yelled back, which puts her in " VICTIM'

mode or I started to cry.

Wow...

> >

> > Nada loved making me angry. She also liked withholding things. She still

does. I am very LC with her now, and still feel guilty, even though i know i'm

doing it to protect myself. Does anyone else feel their nada enjoys making them

angry and deliberately withholding things from them?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This seems to be a pretty typical Nada behavior. My memories of my

parents were of constant warfare. A big part of it was sloth and

filthiness on her part, which evolved into hoarding. Rather than make

even a modest effort to clean up, she would pick, attack on previous

faults on his part, as if that made her equivalent of never cleaning

acceptable, and, typical insanity, do it over and over with the same

result.

Her pattern when I was younger was to pick till dad was furious, ( he

eventually had an affair and left her. Not justifying his actions, but

they were predictable.) then get all hurt and defensive, clean

furiously, and look to me for solace and expressions of love, always and

only on her terms, of course.

These were demanded, and not merely sought, so that eventually I came to

hate showing her love, because it always felt manipulated. I think I

felt the way a girl feels when her boyfriend coerces her into sex before

she is ready then cheapens it by treating her callously.

Later, when I was the only adult, ie after Dad left, and I was 14, she

would make some unreasonable demands, and when I protested or pointed

out something unacceptable in her, attack me by telling me graphic

details about my dad s sexual life. I would beg her to shut up, she

would persist, until I was foaming at the mouth raging. Then she won:

she got to be the hurt victim.

What I can t understand it why they say BPD s have trouble with

relationships. I mean, whats not to love about all that? Yes, Sheldon,

that was sarcasm.

Doug

>

> Yes, my nada would deliberately " pick at " me, meaning she would find

fault with things I'd said or done and she'd make accusations that I'd

said, done, or even thought something bad that I hadn't, in an effort to

get me to defend myself, which would then give my nada the opportunity

to really lash out at me verbally and sometimes physically. She would

attempt to provoke a fight; it was quite deliberate.

>

> She used to do that with my dad too: just pick, pick, pick, pick at

him until he'd stand up for himself and that was what nada was waiting

for.

>

> Nada and dad would yell at each other, full volume, with nada louder

and screechier, then I'd hear the door slam; dad would leave and go

drive around for a while. Nada would come stomping down the hallway

looking for Sister or me; she wasn't done yet. She'd continue her

rage-tantrum at us after dad had left. Sister and I learned to make

ourselves scarce if at all possible when the yelling would start.

>

> My nada was more into giving gifts with strings attached, rather than

withholding them. I guess its pretty much the same thing, though.

>

> -Annie

>

>