More Wedding issues... again.

[Guest guest]

Back in the spring, some of you might remember there was a huge debackle over my

mother in regard to the mother-son dance. This was due to my fiance's father

not being willing to dance (religious reasons), and also my fiance does not have

a very good relationship with her father over some abuse when she was a child.

That got resolved by the DJ suggesting a compromise in which she only dances

with me for half a song alone and then the rest of the people are asked to come

dance as well. Well that was resolved back in April.

During that fight she had taken away the prospect of her participating in doing

anything with the unity candle. Once the dance was resolved she did not every

mention about wanting to do the candle again. She has gone back and forth on

taking things away and giving back forever on anything she can when she is upset

and trying to inflict damage. We saw this as an opportunity to now create this

boundary that she is no longer able to do this with us. Well let's say she is

not really taking this well and has now torn every fight over the past year open

as a result of this.

This subject was actually brought up to her in late July/ early Auguest. Her

reaction then wasn't stellar but eventually faded into the background. Her new

desire to inflict pain over this comes after I asked my sister to do a reading

during the ceremony. She is currently seeing that both since the dance was

resolved I should have assumed her lighting a candle was back on, and also that

I caused her to resort to her not doing the candle from how I handled the dance.

I explained the setting of boundaries with my dad. He doesn't see it as really a

boundary but simply myself being stubborn.

From digging into everything and just taking it on the phone for a long time

yesterday, I eventually pointed out that I am not asking her for apologies for

some of the very hurtful things she had brought up during the spring. One of

the very inappropriate things she had brought up concerned something I am very

ashamed of and is too embarrassing for me to discuss here. It is something she

knows upsets me everytime it is mentioned. I am 30 years old now and it is

something that occured when I was 16 or 17. I gave her a warning yesterday on

the phone that if she was to ever bring the topic up again, that me and her were

done.

Well here is a portion of the email I got from her today:

" The things I've said to you, - well, as far as bringing up issues from

the fall of '99 - the ONLY reason I brought this up this time was THIS : And

listen closely. You come off like you suffered back then. Maybe you regret back

then. " I " was the ONE WHO SUFFERED BACK THEN. And wanna know something, -

I STILL suffer from it. I get to discuss it with therapist because I have

problems YET that will NEVER go away because of the Fall of '99. But you never

want to hear about them. EVERYTHING is about YOU. I did nothing wrong then. But

I am the one STILL SUFFERING. Sometime ASK me what issues I have and I'll tell

you. As far as " damaging your psyche " , that is something on you. I can forgive

you till the cows come home, but it doesn't stop the damage you did to MY

psyche, Chris. The damage that will never go away. And you are GOING to have to

LIVE WITH IT........... The reason I brought it UP - when the whole business

of the dance was being " shut down by you " , and you would NOT discuss it with me

was this : NOT to hurt you. It was to say, " you have put me through a

lot in your short life. And you don't seem to remember that . And now you want

to do more by taking an HONOR away from me. There are a lot of guys who go

through " stages " growing up. And girls. Nothing to be ashamed of. The only bad

thing you did was involve " me " indirectly in it, which tore up MY PSYCHE - which

you had a VERY bad lack of judgement. No self-control and left me feeling, well

you never let me tell you. But you need to know sometime. And you upset the two

things that were the most precious. The tears are rolling down my face while I'm

writing this. As I said, if you feel badly over that part of your life, well,

it's a growth process and nothing to be ashamed of, and PG probably did it to

you. They suck down there. But your mistake was dragging me into it and screwing

me up, which I don't think you ever accounted for and ALWAYS shut me down that

we can't talk about it ? I was a victim, whether you get that or not. So I am

NOT trying to screw with your damn PSYCHE and GET OVER IT ! But we need to TALK

sometime about that time. Just you and me. It isn't going away for me. Just like

it will never go away for me that business with my father and the shower in

Atlantic City. When something gets " branded " on you like that - I'm like a

steer, and it stays there. "

I there any recommendations you have for me or other insights? Thanks!