RE: survival strategies when you have a Witch type of bpd mother

[Guest guest]

Thanks! I hadn't seen a post in a while and wondered if there was something

wrong with the yahoo group!!

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 10:55 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: survival strategies when you have a " Witch "

type of bpd mother

Others including Randi Kreger have made very useful, succinct summaries or

have posted excerpts from Lawson's " Understanding The Borderline Mother " ,

and here is one I came across at another website. This summary is

specifically about handling a nada from the " Witch " category. (Witch =

bpd+antisocial pd or psychopathy.) This resonates with me because I believe

that my nada had a lot of " Witch " traits along with her " Queen " traits.

These are the key survival strategies RE the " Witch " bpd mother, from

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " :

*Keep a safe distance.

" The single greatest power adult children posess is their ability to get

away. " As kids we had no choice but to absorb her rages and cruelty, but as

adults we have the power to decide how much contact we want with our

mothers. Lawson says that " the Witch's children must allow one another to

make their own deicsions regarding the amount of distance needed to feel

safe. " For some that might mean going totally NC. For others, LC might be

acceptable. She recommends not being alone with the Witch, and not sharing

confidences with her. Good point.

*Disengage from conflict as soon as it erupts.

This one is key. Lawson says that " adult children have one option: not

reacting to [the Witch's] attempts at provocation and then leaving. " When we

reclaim our power in this way, we threaten the Witch, so she will likely

retaliate in an attempt to force us back into our role as victim. She " will

throw every emotional stone she can find in the attempt to provoke others, "

however, " she is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear " .

*Never try to control her.

The Witch has threatened us all our lives with abandonment, rejection, and

so on. This is an attempt to dominate and control. We need to respond to her

attempts to dominate with firm resistance. Firmness is different from

domination, because domination is about trying to get someone to submit (and

arises out of fear), whereas " firmness demonstrates strength of character. "

*Cleanse the body and soul with love and goodness.

It is no surprise that many of us raised by a uBPDm feel " soiled, damaged,

dirty and defective. " According to Lawson, " the antidote for exposure to

malignant denigration is to surround oneself with goodness, light and love. "

*Do no harm.

The idea is to NOT play her game by throwing stones back at her. We

disengage in a way that is loving and maintains our own integrity. " The

conviction to do no harm allows one to maintain a sense of basic goodness. "

We are good people who were damaged by someone who was themselves damaged.

Attacking them back or retaliating is not healing, for us or them.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Thanks these are great tips! Easier to read then to put into action but it's

great stuff to start to think about and start incorporating into my actions and

thoughts.

I just bought two of Randi Kreger's books and am looking forward to reading them

and gaining more insight and how to deal with this.

>

> Thanks! I hadn't seen a post in a while and wondered if there was something

> wrong with the yahoo group!!

>

>

>

>

>

> jwjrenslow@...

>

>

>

> _____

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

> Sent: Friday, September 28, 2012 10:55 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: survival strategies when you have a " Witch "

> type of bpd mother

>

>

>

>

>

> Others including Randi Kreger have made very useful, succinct summaries or

> have posted excerpts from Lawson's " Understanding The Borderline Mother " ,

> and here is one I came across at another website. This summary is

> specifically about handling a nada from the " Witch " category. (Witch =

> bpd+antisocial pd or psychopathy.) This resonates with me because I believe

> that my nada had a lot of " Witch " traits along with her " Queen " traits.

>

> These are the key survival strategies RE the " Witch " bpd mother, from

> " Understanding The Borderline Mother " :

>

> *Keep a safe distance.

> " The single greatest power adult children posess is their ability to get

> away. " As kids we had no choice but to absorb her rages and cruelty, but as

> adults we have the power to decide how much contact we want with our

> mothers. Lawson says that " the Witch's children must allow one another to

> make their own deicsions regarding the amount of distance needed to feel

> safe. " For some that might mean going totally NC. For others, LC might be

> acceptable. She recommends not being alone with the Witch, and not sharing

> confidences with her. Good point.

>

> *Disengage from conflict as soon as it erupts.

> This one is key. Lawson says that " adult children have one option: not

> reacting to [the Witch's] attempts at provocation and then leaving. " When we

> reclaim our power in this way, we threaten the Witch, so she will likely

> retaliate in an attempt to force us back into our role as victim. She " will

> throw every emotional stone she can find in the attempt to provoke others, "

> however, " she is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear " .

>

> *Never try to control her.

> The Witch has threatened us all our lives with abandonment, rejection, and

> so on. This is an attempt to dominate and control. We need to respond to her

> attempts to dominate with firm resistance. Firmness is different from

> domination, because domination is about trying to get someone to submit (and

> arises out of fear), whereas " firmness demonstrates strength of character. "

>

> *Cleanse the body and soul with love and goodness.

> It is no surprise that many of us raised by a uBPDm feel " soiled, damaged,

> dirty and defective. " According to Lawson, " the antidote for exposure to

> malignant denigration is to surround oneself with goodness, light and love. "

>

> *Do no harm.

> The idea is to NOT play her game by throwing stones back at her. We

> disengage in a way that is loving and maintains our own integrity. " The

> conviction to do no harm allows one to maintain a sense of basic goodness. "

> We are good people who were damaged by someone who was themselves damaged.

> Attacking them back or retaliating is not healing, for us or them.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

>

>

>