survival strategies when you have a Witch type of bpd mother

[Guest guest]

Others including Randi Kreger have made very useful, succinct summaries or have

posted excerpts from Lawson's " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , and here is

one I came across at another website. This summary is specifically about

handling a nada from the " Witch " category. (Witch = bpd+antisocial pd or

psychopathy.) This resonates with me because I believe that my nada had a lot of

" Witch " traits along with her " Queen " traits.

These are the key survival strategies RE the " Witch " bpd mother, from

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " :

*Keep a safe distance.

" The single greatest power adult children posess is their ability to get away. "

As kids we had no choice but to absorb her rages and cruelty, but as adults we

have the power to decide how much contact we want with our mothers. Lawson says

that " the Witch's children must allow one another to make their own deicsions

regarding the amount of distance needed to feel safe. " For some that might mean

going totally NC. For others, LC might be acceptable. She recommends not being

alone with the Witch, and not sharing confidences with her. Good point.

*Disengage from conflict as soon as it erupts.

This one is key. Lawson says that " adult children have one option: not reacting

to [the Witch's] attempts at provocation and then leaving. " When we reclaim our

power in this way, we threaten the Witch, so she will likely retaliate in an

attempt to force us back into our role as victim. She " will throw every

emotional stone she can find in the attempt to provoke others, " however, " she is

powerless over adults who use their power to disappear " .

*Never try to control her.

The Witch has threatened us all our lives with abandonment, rejection, and so

on. This is an attempt to dominate and control. We need to respond to her

attempts to dominate with firm resistance. Firmness is different from

domination, because domination is about trying to get someone to submit (and

arises out of fear), whereas " firmness demonstrates strength of character. "

*Cleanse the body and soul with love and goodness.

It is no surprise that many of us raised by a uBPDm feel " soiled, damaged, dirty

and defective. " According to Lawson, " the antidote for exposure to malignant

denigration is to surround oneself with goodness, light and love. "

*Do no harm.

The idea is to NOT play her game by throwing stones back at her. We disengage

in a way that is loving and maintains our own integrity. " The conviction to do

no harm allows one to maintain a sense of basic goodness. " We are good people

who were damaged by someone who was themselves damaged. Attacking them back or

retaliating is not healing, for us or them.

-Annie