Advice Connecting again please

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Warning: this is very long and a bit detailed, but I had to get it all out and

if you can read it then...thank you!

My problem is with my Nada! Last year, we had a huge fight and nothing has been

the same since. We haven't spoken in almost 3, except for a few pleasant texts.

After seeing signs that maybe she is ready, and knowing myself ready to begin

contact (after months of being mad, trying to understand and cooling down) I was

ready. So I called and left a very pleasant voicemail on her phone just saying

I'd like to talk and we haven't spoken in a while.

Well, I got a very long descriptive text message first asking me to email her

what I want to say because she didn't like where our conversation went the last

time and doesn't want a repeat. When I left that voicemail I was very happy and

was opening the line of communication in an adult manner in no way suggesting I

wanted to fight.

A little backstory; My nada and her family have been very distant for about 12

years on and off contact and therefore I had been as well - as I was a teenager

and living at home. Well last year I reconnected with her family who nada still

hates. I admit I didn't not do it in the best of ways...I got into a fight with

nada, I was at my Nana's house and vented and this opened the door to my

extended family. Granted not the best way to do this, but in a way it opened my

eyes so much because now I know that it wasn't all their fault, because if my

nada can do this to me then she can certainly do that to them.

Anyways, so the current text message goes on to say; that she is still very

angry with me for betraying her (for talking to my extended family - who she is

angry with) and for talking behind her back and for saying she's a horrible

mother. Never said that, when I vented to my family I talked about the

situation at hand, never calling her a bad mother - but for some reason she has

that in her head. She thinks everything that happened last year is all about

her being a bad mother - but it's not. I don't know where she's getting this

from.

She goes on to say keep the past in the past. But she doesn't mean it like put

the past in the past and lets move on - she means keep the past in the past and

don't ever touch it again regarding our family.

The worst part is when she tells me that she doesn't think she can have a

relationship with me as long as I have a relationship with them.

Basically that's her ultimatum - her or them. The funny thing is - I don't have

a strong relationship with my extended family - they're there when I need them

and talk to every once in a while, but that's it. And my Nada seems to think

we're all talking about her or we're in this clique or something and if she

can't be in it then nobody should be, I don't know.

Then she plays the victim card again...and tells me maybe I should try and see

how it feels to be her.

I was ready to move on, I was ready to have a conversation with her, and what I

would love to say to her is this: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry all

this stuff happened, I won't do it again but I'd like to leave it alone now, no

longer talk about it and try and move on with our relationship. But after her

text message I fear we will never have a relationship again.

That's not the worst part...the worst part is I have two younger siblings (still

in grade school) I love them so much - like they were my own children, if I had

children, and I'm so good to them...and I haven't spoken to them in the last 3

months either (despite trying the elder's cell) Basically, I believe, if I'm

not talking with Nada I'm not talking with them - and that's breaking my heart.

We/they shouldn't be punished for it.

I have this feeling that she thinks I'm such this horrible person that I'm going

to taint their minds of something and turn them against her. But obviously I

would never do that...But yet that is what she's doing to them. I know she's

saying mean things to them about me...or at least I know she's upset and yelling

about me and they'll be in the room - I know this because this is what happened

to me when I was younger - she tainted my view on the family. But I must admit

they did not try to stay in contact too hard. I on the other hand will not give

up my brother and sister without a fight. I can't even imagine not being in

their lives and seeing them grow up. The more I write this the angrier I get!

Any advice?

[Guest guest]

Hello Ponnie5

I think you're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place

with this. You can't force your nada to have a relationship with

you any more than our nadas can force us to have a relationship

with them. All you can do is let her know you're willing to

talk. If she insists on e-mail rather than phone calls, your

choice is to go along with her request, at least for now, or not

have contact.

Seeing your contact with other family members as a betrayal is

typical nada behavior. Everything tends to be black or white

where they're concerned. You're either on their side or you're

against them. Choosing to have any relationship with people they

see as against them puts you in the " against " category. That's a

big part of having BPD. You can't fix that. It isn't a matter of

you needing to try harder or anything like that. You don't

necessarily have to let her force you to choose between her and

your other family members though. Nothing says that you have to

tell her about seeing or talking to them. Your relationships

with other people are none of her business. If she asks you

about them, tell her you have nothing to say on that subject.

Having put up with my nada's dreadful behavior for years for the

sake of my sister, I can understand the dilemma you find

yourself in where your siblings are concerned. As long as she

controls them, you may have to do things you don't like and

don't want to do in order to maintain a relationship with them.

I waited until my sister was in her last year of college and

then stopped putting up with my nada's misbehavior. As long as

my sister was required to have her fill out paperwork to get

financial assistance with tuition, we needed her so she had

something to use against us. My sister has never spoken to her

since she graduated. I have contact with her, but on my terms.

Your siblings will eventually grow up and hopefully break free

from your nada.

At 01:12 AM 10/03/2012 ponnie5 wrote:

>Hi,

>

>Warning: this is very long and a bit detailed, but I had to get

>it all out and if you can read it then...thank you!

>

>My problem is with my Nada! Last year, we had a huge fight and

>nothing has been the same since. We haven't spoken in almost

>3, except for a few pleasant texts. After seeing signs that

>maybe she is ready, and knowing myself ready to begin contact

>(after months of being mad, trying to understand and cooling

>down) I was ready. So I called and left a very pleasant

>voicemail on her phone just saying I'd like to talk and we

>haven't spoken in a while.

>

>Well, I got a very long descriptive text message first asking

>me to email her what I want to say because she didn't like

>where our conversation went the last time and doesn't want a

>repeat. When I left that voicemail I was very happy and was

>opening the line of communication in an adult manner in no way

>suggesting I wanted to fight.

>

>A little backstory; My nada and her family have been very

>distant for about 12 years on and off contact and therefore I

>had been as well - as I was a teenager and living at

>home. Well last year I reconnected with her family who nada

>still hates. I admit I didn't not do it in the best of

>ways...I got into a fight with nada, I was at my Nana's house

>and vented and this opened the door to my extended

>family. Granted not the best way to do this, but in a way it

>opened my eyes so much because now I know that it wasn't all

>their fault, because if my nada can do this to me then she can

>certainly do that to them.

>

>Anyways, so the current text message goes on to say; that she

>is still very angry with me for betraying her (for talking to

>my extended family - who she is angry with) and for talking

>behind her back and for saying she's a horrible mother. Never

>said that, when I vented to my family I talked about the

>situation at hand, never calling her a bad mother - but for

>some reason she has that in her head. She thinks everything

>that happened last year is all about her being a bad mother -

>but it's not. I don't know where she's getting this from.

>

>She goes on to say keep the past in the past. But she doesn't

>mean it like put the past in the past and lets move on - she

>means keep the past in the past and don't ever touch it again

>regarding our family.

>

>The worst part is when she tells me that she doesn't think she

>can have a relationship with me as long as I have a

>relationship with them.

>

>Basically that's her ultimatum - her or them. The funny thing

>is - I don't have a strong relationship with my extended family

>- they're there when I need them and talk to every once in a

>while, but that's it. And my Nada seems to think we're all

>talking about her or we're in this clique or something and if

>she can't be in it then nobody should be, I don't know.

>

>Then she plays the victim card again...and tells me maybe I

>should try and see how it feels to be her.

>

>I was ready to move on, I was ready to have a conversation with

>her, and what I would love to say to her is this: I'm sorry I

>hurt your feelings, I'm sorry all this stuff happened, I won't

>do it again but I'd like to leave it alone now, no longer talk

>about it and try and move on with our relationship. But after

>her text message I fear we will never have a relationship again.

>

>That's not the worst part...the worst part is I have two

>younger siblings (still in grade school) I love them so much -

>like they were my own children, if I had children, and I'm so

>good to them...and I haven't spoken to them in the last 3

>months either (despite trying the elder's cell) Basically, I

>believe, if I'm not talking with Nada I'm not talking with them

>- and that's breaking my heart. We/they shouldn't be punished

>for it.

>

>I have this feeling that she thinks I'm such this horrible

>person that I'm going to taint their minds of something and

>turn them against her. But obviously I would never do

>that...But yet that is what she's doing to them. I know she's

>saying mean things to them about me...or at least I know she's

>upset and yelling about me and they'll be in the room - I know

>this because this is what happened to me when I was younger -

>she tainted my view on the family. But I must admit they did

>not try to stay in contact too hard. I on the other hand will

>not give up my brother and sister without a fight. I can't

>even imagine not being in their lives and seeing them grow

>up. The more I write this the angrier I get!

>

>

>Any advice?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Thanks, yes, I feel like I'm stuck. I was willing to give in and do things she

needed me to do for the sake of my siblings but I didn't think it was going to

be this hard, I didn't think she was still this angry. It seems as if she's

getting worse.

You're right, this is by the book BPD behavior - something I'm still learning

about, trying to accept it, and trying to deal with it.

I think it's very honorable of you to have dealt with your Nada for your sister

and your relationship with her. I'm glad you understand what it takes too.

It's very difficult to deal with Nada's especially when they have so much

control.

I was thinking about lying to her about my relationship because it would be hard

for her to find out but I know one day it would come out and I know that if she

found out I was lying to her it would not end well. Actually, that's how this

started last year. I had started speaking with them and Nada went through my

cell because she had a feeling and found the texts from my aunt and kicked me

out of the house then and there. The next time I went home I turned the lock

pad feature on on my phone.

Thanks for the advice and your insider experience!

> >Hi,

> >

> >Warning: this is very long and a bit detailed, but I had to get

> >it all out and if you can read it then...thank you!

> >

> >My problem is with my Nada! Last year, we had a huge fight and

> >nothing has been the same since. We haven't spoken in almost

> >3, except for a few pleasant texts. After seeing signs that

> >maybe she is ready, and knowing myself ready to begin contact

> >(after months of being mad, trying to understand and cooling

> >down) I was ready. So I called and left a very pleasant

> >voicemail on her phone just saying I'd like to talk and we

> >haven't spoken in a while.

> >

> >Well, I got a very long descriptive text message first asking

> >me to email her what I want to say because she didn't like

> >where our conversation went the last time and doesn't want a

> >repeat. When I left that voicemail I was very happy and was

> >opening the line of communication in an adult manner in no way

> >suggesting I wanted to fight.

> >

> >A little backstory; My nada and her family have been very

> >distant for about 12 years on and off contact and therefore I

> >had been as well - as I was a teenager and living at

> >home. Well last year I reconnected with her family who nada

> >still hates. I admit I didn't not do it in the best of

> >ways...I got into a fight with nada, I was at my Nana's house

> >and vented and this opened the door to my extended

> >family. Granted not the best way to do this, but in a way it

> >opened my eyes so much because now I know that it wasn't all

> >their fault, because if my nada can do this to me then she can

> >certainly do that to them.

> >

> >Anyways, so the current text message goes on to say; that she

> >is still very angry with me for betraying her (for talking to

> >my extended family - who she is angry with) and for talking

> >behind her back and for saying she's a horrible mother. Never

> >said that, when I vented to my family I talked about the

> >situation at hand, never calling her a bad mother - but for

> >some reason she has that in her head. She thinks everything

> >that happened last year is all about her being a bad mother -

> >but it's not. I don't know where she's getting this from.

> >

> >She goes on to say keep the past in the past. But she doesn't

> >mean it like put the past in the past and lets move on - she

> >means keep the past in the past and don't ever touch it again

> >regarding our family.

> >

> >The worst part is when she tells me that she doesn't think she

> >can have a relationship with me as long as I have a

> >relationship with them.

> >

> >Basically that's her ultimatum - her or them. The funny thing

> >is - I don't have a strong relationship with my extended family

> >- they're there when I need them and talk to every once in a

> >while, but that's it. And my Nada seems to think we're all

> >talking about her or we're in this clique or something and if

> >she can't be in it then nobody should be, I don't know.

> >

> >Then she plays the victim card again...and tells me maybe I

> >should try and see how it feels to be her.

> >

> >I was ready to move on, I was ready to have a conversation with

> >her, and what I would love to say to her is this: I'm sorry I

> >hurt your feelings, I'm sorry all this stuff happened, I won't

> >do it again but I'd like to leave it alone now, no longer talk

> >about it and try and move on with our relationship. But after

> >her text message I fear we will never have a relationship again.

> >

> >That's not the worst part...the worst part is I have two

> >younger siblings (still in grade school) I love them so much -

> >like they were my own children, if I had children, and I'm so

> >good to them...and I haven't spoken to them in the last 3

> >months either (despite trying the elder's cell) Basically, I

> >believe, if I'm not talking with Nada I'm not talking with them

> >- and that's breaking my heart. We/they shouldn't be punished

> >for it.

> >

> >I have this feeling that she thinks I'm such this horrible

> >person that I'm going to taint their minds of something and

> >turn them against her. But obviously I would never do

> >that...But yet that is what she's doing to them. I know she's

> >saying mean things to them about me...or at least I know she's

> >upset and yelling about me and they'll be in the room - I know

> >this because this is what happened to me when I was younger -

> >she tainted my view on the family. But I must admit they did

> >not try to stay in contact too hard. I on the other hand will

> >not give up my brother and sister without a fight. I can't

> >even imagine not being in their lives and seeing them grow

> >up. The more I write this the angrier I get!

> >

> >

> >Any advice?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

It is entirely possible that she is getting worse. Nadas

frequently escalate their behavior as soon as we start not

accepting bad behavior from them or doing what we want instead

of what they want.

There were a bunch of years when I had to stop being friendly

with some of my online " friends " because they didn't understand

why I continued to put up with my nada's misbehavior. They took

the attitude that if I didn't like her behavior, I should just

tell her so and get away from her. The idea that it might be

worth putting up with her behavior for my sister's sake wasn't

acceptable to them. I decided that they weren't good friends if

they couldn't understand that sometimes we have to choose

between one bad choice and another bad choice and that sometimes

other people matter too.

I wouldn't advise actually telling lies about your relationship

with the rest of your family. That eventually backfires for most

people. There's no reason you need to tell her the truth either.

You can say nothing, or say neutral things and let her choose to

believe what she wants to believe.

At 01:02 AM 10/04/2012 ponnie5 wrote:

>Hi,

>

>Thanks, yes, I feel like I'm stuck. I was willing to give in

>and do things she needed me to do for the sake of my siblings

>but I didn't think it was going to be this hard, I didn't think

>she was still this angry. It seems as if she's getting worse.

>

>You're right, this is by the book BPD behavior - something I'm

>still learning about, trying to accept it, and trying to deal

>with it.

>

>I think it's very honorable of you to have dealt with your Nada

>for your sister and your relationship with her. I'm glad you

>understand what it takes too. It's very difficult to deal with

>Nada's especially when they have so much control.

>

>I was thinking about lying to her about my relationship because

>it would be hard for her to find out but I know one day it

>would come out and I know that if she found out I was lying to

>her it would not end well. Actually, that's how this started

>last year. I had started speaking with them and Nada went

>through my cell because she had a feeling and found the texts

>from my aunt and kicked me out of the house then and

>there. The next time I went home I turned the lock pad feature

>on on my phone.

>

>Thanks for the advice and your insider experience!

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello Ponnie5

> >

> > I think you're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place

>

> > with this. You can't force your nada to have a relationship

> with

> > you any more than our nadas can force us to have a

> relationship

> > with them. All you can do is let her know you're willing to

> > talk. If she insists on e-mail rather than phone calls, your

>

> > choice is to go along with her request, at least for now, or

> not

> > have contact.

> >

> > Seeing your contact with other family members as a betrayal

> is

> > typical nada behavior. Everything tends to be black or white

>

> > where they're concerned. You're either on their side or

> you're

> > against them. Choosing to have any relationship with people

> they

> > see as against them puts you in the " against " category.

> That's a

> > big part of having BPD. You can't fix that. It isn't a

> matter of

> > you needing to try harder or anything like that. You don't

> > necessarily have to let her force you to choose between her

> and

> > your other family members though. Nothing says that you have

> to

> > tell her about seeing or talking to them. Your relationships

>

> > with other people are none of her business. If she asks you

> > about them, tell her you have nothing to say on that

> subject.

> >

> > Having put up with my nada's dreadful behavior for years for

> the

> > sake of my sister, I can understand the dilemma you find

> > yourself in where your siblings are concerned. As long as

> she

> > controls them, you may have to do things you don't like and

> > don't want to do in order to maintain a relationship with

> them.

> > I waited until my sister was in her last year of college and

>

> > then stopped putting up with my nada's misbehavior. As long

> as

> > my sister was required to have her fill out paperwork to get

>

> > financial assistance with tuition, we needed her so she had

> > something to use against us. My sister has never spoken to

> her

> > since she graduated. I have contact with her, but on my

> terms.

> > Your siblings will eventually grow up and hopefully break

> free

> > from your nada.

> >

--

Katrina