Her pain is her weapn

October 3, 2012

Warning: long post!!! I'm relatively new here...

Am I the only one who experiences not the lashing out, angry BPD nada, but the

sad, lonely " my life is so shitty " nada? Yes, my nada has experienced pain

(divorce 35+ years ago, death of three brothers and both parents), but these

things are not outside of what most humans experience sometimes in their lives.

The crappy part is that her only family left is me and my sister and my sister

has been working on her emotional health for so long now --- and she's got such

healthy boundaries! -- that my nada's emotional health has fallen to me for

many decades now. For years I've advised her to seek counseling when major

tragedies occurred (like the death of her last brother), because I just couldn't

take the emotional turmoil b/c I was in my early-20s and not ready!!! (I'm late

30s now.) So it's just now, now that I'm married and having children of my own

and my husband is incredibly supportive and emotionally pretty health himself

(thru years of his own therapy), that I'm having to step up and step away and

say " this is not about me. " Her wounds seem to be her weapons. Does anyone

else experience this?

So, she got drunk and acted like a fool at our wedding 2 months ago. I knew it

would happen and I called on her old college friends to help me keep an eye on

her. I asked her specifically to try to keep it together b/c 2 months after the

wedding our second baby would be born (he should be here in a week), and then

the holidays, etc....and I asked her to please not screw it up b/c after the

wedding (a big event) there would a series of other big events. But alas, it

happened, and now we're dealing with it. She claims she got drunk b/c it's just

so hard for her to see my dad (divorced for 35+ years now). I think she did it

b/c she didn't feel that the wedding was enough about HER. I have several

emails where she whines about not being included (but she was critical of the

choices I'd made and informed her of), whines about me being indecisive about my

choice of dress (b/c it would effect what she was wearing), and whines about our

plan to not have champagne (neither my husband nor I drink much, plus I was 7

months preggo, plus there was beer and wine). The worst was the seating chart.

I read SWOE and against advice, I told her I thought she was BPD. I'm having to

hold her at arm's length now but I get emails like this all the time... " I worry

about not being by your side at a time like this (pregnancy). But I wasn't

before & feel so blessed that you have (your husband), whose calm & loving ways

are far better for you than anything I can do. " This is typical of her " tone "

--- is this emotional bullshit or just me????

October 6, 2012

Hi Beegirl,

First, congratulations on your upcoming new arrival!

You really do have a double-whammy of " difficult " to manage, when your mother

has bpd traits AND seems to have a problem with alcohol as well.

It might help you if you have time to attend ACA meetings; there are members

here who have recommended them highly. " Adult Children of Alcoholics " is a live

meet-up group for those who have alcoholic parents to give mutual support and

validation and share experiences with each other.

In some ways, the behaviors of both alcoholics and those with bpd are like the

behaviors of a very small child screaming for attention. I've read that those

with bpd stop developing emotionally at a young age; some are at an infant's

level, some are toddlers, some reach maybe 6 or 7 emotionally. But they all

stopped developing emotional maturity at some early point, and quite a few turn

to alcohol as a method of self-soothing. Since a trait of borderline pd is

" high impulsivity " and alcohol exacerbates impulsivity, bpd+alcohol can be a

horrific combination.

I agree with you, I think that managing a relationship with a " pitiful Waif

" type of bpd mother is much more difficult than a raging Witch or Queen type, at

least, as an adult.

My nada was a Queen/Witch when Sister and I were little and it worked

beautifully for nada, but as Sister and I reached middle age we lost most of

our fear of nada's rages, so nada switched to " hurt puppy " or the pitiful,

frail, white-haired adorable little ol' Waif more and more often. (But the

Witch was always lurking just below the surface.)

So, other than seeking out ACA meetings, I suggest that you check out books

about setting healthy, reasonable adult boundaries for yourself without guilt,

like " Boundaries " by Cloud and Townsend.

Guilt is the main weapon of the Waif; the Waif parentifies her child, demanding

that her child should nurture and protect the Waif in a complete reversal of

roles. The task of the parentified child is to overcome these misplaced and

inappropriate feelings of guilt & responsibility for mom's feelings and *hand

the burden back to its true owner*: Waif mom. The books " Understanding the

Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " may also help with this

staggering task of relinquishing the unfair, totally inappropriate

parentification that your mother saddled you with.

Me personally, I think that SWOE and its newer version are more geared toward

helping those in chosen relationships with a person with bpd, but UTBM and SABP

that I listed above are more relevant to the absolutely unparalleled situation

of having been raised by a mentally ill parent. The bpd parent + non-bpd child

relationship dynamic is so utterly unique and abnormal that it deserves its own

category of therapy, discussion and analysis, in my opinion.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Warning: long post!!! I'm relatively new here...

>

> Am I the only one who experiences not the lashing out, angry BPD nada, but

the sad, lonely " my life is so shitty " nada? Yes, my nada has experienced pain