Guest guest Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Hi, After a year of on and off arguing and after 2 months of NC I decided I was ready to start the relationship again so I contacted Nada, but I did not get the response I was hoping for. After a few emails and trying to be very adult and not speak in detail about the situation at hand (since it's been talked to death already) I told Nada that I wanted to try for a relationship again but let's move on, let's not talk about what happened last year, let's starting over and rebuilding our relationship. She didn't like that because she needs questions answered, answers that I don't have. Questions about things that happened years ago. Basically, she wants these questions answered to her liking and if they're not to her liking then I'm out. So I didn't engage those question specifically and tried to generalize it - it didn't work. Nada has also told me that if I speak to my extended family then she can not have a relationship with me. She is telling me to choose between her and my immediate family or my extended family who really haven't spoken to her in years. After a rough day of going back and forth I realize that Nada is trying to control me. She needs me to tell her what I think is what she thinks, she wants me to pledge my loyalty to her and disown everyone else. She wants to be validated by me and because I can't validate her anymore on these issues she's loosing control and is pissed about it. Nada doesn't see what she's doing to our relationship, she thinks it's all my fault, and she is confused as to why I'm angry, she doesn't think I have a right to be angry. I do. It looks like things are coming to end as of now. I'm really sad and upset about it. Especially since my younger siblings are caught in the middle and if I don't talk to Nada I don't talk to them. I wanted to fight for them at first but now I see I really can't do that because there's no reasoning with Nada. Now I have to take care of myself. I can't be controlled by anyone. Hopefully, sooner then later she'll come around. And hopefully in the future my siblings and I can reconnect. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I don't see any other way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Ponnie, I'm sorry that your attempt to have contact with your nada didn't work out as you wanted. I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote " After a rough day of going back and forth I realize that Nada is trying to control me. She needs me to tell her what I think is what she thinks, she wants me to pledge my loyalty to her and disown everyone else. " Nadas tend not to recognize a separation between themselves and others who are close to them. Because you are part of her in her mind, you should think the same way she does and want the same things she wants. When you don't, nadas tend to take it as a personal rejection. I have that re-occurring problems with my nada over that. Not having the same opinion as her on even the most trivial things can result in a rage. Back before I started refusing to put up with her behavior, she once had a tantrum at me because she asked if I liked a mostly green run or a mostly blue rug better for her living room and I didn't choose the one she was thinking of buying. When you add the element of you're either for her or against her to the need for you to agree with her, you get the kind of situation you're describing where it is her way or the highway. You're also right that there is no reasoning with a nada. They're not rational so trying to use reason with them doesn't work. I hope you can find a way to let your younger siblings know you care about them and that they can choose to get in touch with you if they want to. At 04:33 PM 10/09/2012 ponnie5 wrote: >Hi, > >After a year of on and off arguing and after 2 months of NC I >decided I was ready to start the relationship again so I >contacted Nada, but I did not get the response I was hoping for. > >After a few emails and trying to be very adult and not speak in >detail about the situation at hand (since it's been talked to >death already) I told Nada that I wanted to try for a >relationship again but let's move on, let's not talk about what >happened last year, let's starting over and rebuilding our >relationship. > >She didn't like that because she needs questions answered, >answers that I don't have. Questions about things that >happened years ago. Basically, she wants these questions >answered to her liking and if they're not to her liking then >I'm out. So I didn't engage those question specifically and >tried to generalize it - it didn't work. > >Nada has also told me that if I speak to my extended family >then she can not have a relationship with me. She is telling >me to choose between her and my immediate family or my extended >family who really haven't spoken to her in years. > >After a rough day of going back and forth I realize that Nada >is trying to control me. She needs me to tell her what I think >is what she thinks, she wants me to pledge my loyalty to her >and disown everyone else. She wants to be validated by me and >because I can't validate her anymore on these issues she's >loosing control and is pissed about it. > >Nada doesn't see what she's doing to our relationship, she >thinks it's all my fault, and she is confused as to why I'm >angry, she doesn't think I have a right to be angry. I do. > >It looks like things are coming to end as of now. I'm really >sad and upset about it. Especially since my younger siblings >are caught in the middle and if I don't talk to Nada I don't >talk to them. I wanted to fight for them at first but now I >see I really can't do that because there's no reasoning with >Nada. > >Now I have to take care of myself. I can't be controlled by >anyone. Hopefully, sooner then later she'll come around. And >hopefully in the future my siblings and I can reconnect. > >I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I don't see any other >way. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 Hi, Thank you! I understand the agreeing thing so well too. It's very frustrating not to be able to have your own opinion or to know that your wrong opinion will put her in a rage which in turns makes you feel bad about yourself. That's great that you're not putting up with her behavior anymore. You don't need that. I'm realizing that as well and right now I'm telling her I won't be putting up with her behavior or answering her ridiculous questions and she's in a rage about it making ridiculous accusations about me because I won't do what she wants. She's loosing control over me and she doesn't know what to do. Thanks! Good luck to you! > >Hi, > > > >After a year of on and off arguing and after 2 months of NC I > >decided I was ready to start the relationship again so I > >contacted Nada, but I did not get the response I was hoping for. > > > >After a few emails and trying to be very adult and not speak in > >detail about the situation at hand (since it's been talked to > >death already) I told Nada that I wanted to try for a > >relationship again but let's move on, let's not talk about what > >happened last year, let's starting over and rebuilding our > >relationship. > > > >She didn't like that because she needs questions answered, > >answers that I don't have. Questions about things that > >happened years ago. Basically, she wants these questions > >answered to her liking and if they're not to her liking then > >I'm out. So I didn't engage those question specifically and > >tried to generalize it - it didn't work. > > > >Nada has also told me that if I speak to my extended family > >then she can not have a relationship with me. She is telling > >me to choose between her and my immediate family or my extended > >family who really haven't spoken to her in years. > > > >After a rough day of going back and forth I realize that Nada > >is trying to control me. She needs me to tell her what I think > >is what she thinks, she wants me to pledge my loyalty to her > >and disown everyone else. She wants to be validated by me and > >because I can't validate her anymore on these issues she's > >loosing control and is pissed about it. > > > >Nada doesn't see what she's doing to our relationship, she > >thinks it's all my fault, and she is confused as to why I'm > >angry, she doesn't think I have a right to be angry. I do. > > > >It looks like things are coming to end as of now. I'm really > >sad and upset about it. Especially since my younger siblings > >are caught in the middle and if I don't talk to Nada I don't > >talk to them. I wanted to fight for them at first but now I > >see I really can't do that because there's no reasoning with > >Nada. > > > >Now I have to take care of myself. I can't be controlled by > >anyone. Hopefully, sooner then later she'll come around. And > >hopefully in the future my siblings and I can reconnect. > > > >I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I don't see any other > >way. > > > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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