Introduction

[Guest guest]

I posted my intro in the general WTO group, but this group might be a better

fit, as I am an adult child of an aging BPD mother. She has never been

diagnosed, but I've read everything I can get my hands on over the years and she

fits the description to a " t " . I've done everything I can to try and cope, and

now find myself finally just losing hope that she and I will ever have a

trusting, " normal " relationship now that she is advancing in years. Dad died a

little over a year ago, and things got worse. I did everything I could to try

and be there for her and maintain a full-time job, to the point of emotional and

physical exhaustion. I finally drew boundaries after ending up in the hospital

myself with a severe infection. And now I feel lonely, because we used to talk

on the phone every day and visit often, but I just can't do that anymore because

of the toll it takes on my self-esteem. She is very unpredictable, and

sometimes she is fun and loving and caring. And then the next time I see her

everything is negative and she criticizes me and backstabs other members of the

famiily. So now I've decreased contact and suddenly a sibling is the golden

child and I'm on the outside looking in. She even changed her will and

decreased my inheritance so that she could leave an equal or greater portion to

a favorite grandchild (not one of my own chidren) and removed me as the

executor. It's not the money, mind you, as I am doing fine, it's that she did

it and said " ____ always been there for me. " As though I have not. I feel like

I've lost both parents in the past year, because now I'm giving up on my hopes

and dreams that things will ever be any different. And I feel guilty for even

talking about this to others, like I'm betraying her.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group. Parts of your story sound very familiar to

me. I never have had the kind of close relationship you describe

with my nada ( " nada " is what we call our unmotherlike mothers)

but the part about changing her will is quite familiar. My nada

got annoyed with me one day and decided to change her will to

leave everything to my golden brother who lives across the

country from us. (He's not here to not do what she wants all the

time so she likes him best.) She also gave my brother medical

power of attorney if she ever needs someone to make medical

decisions for her. He's 2,500 miles away and is hard to contact

at best but she's decided he should make emergency decisions for

her. I'm the one she gets to take her to doctor's appointments

and the one she wants to have listen to what the doctors say,

but he should make any decisions that need making. I told her

that didn't make any sense but she won't change it. I certainly

don't want any responsibility for her, so if she wants to give

it to someone who isn't actually available, that's fine with me.

At some point it is likely to cause headaches for both her and

my brother who has no clue what is going on with her most of the

time. I don't really wish the headaches on my brother either.

You shouldn't feel guilty for talking about this. Guilt is a

common weapon used by people with BPD. They see a lot of things

as betrayals and don't hesitate to let us know. You're not

betraying her. You're entitled to have feelings and to share

them as you feel appropriate. You're entitled to have a life of

your own too. Being there for her constantly is not required.

Exhausting yourself and ending up in the hospital is not

required. If she'd rather turn away the person who has

consistently helped her, then she's going to have to find

someone else to help her, isn't she? Relationships are two way.

She doesn't get to take and take and take from you then push you

aside. If you feel lonely, find yourself some friends. Join a

club, work out at a gym, volunteer, take up an activity where

you'll meet other people - whatever interests you. It may take a

while but you will meet people to form healthy friendships with.

At 10:57 AM 10/10/2012 yorkiemom1952 wrote:

>I posted my intro in the general WTO group, but this group

>might be a better fit, as I am an adult child of an aging BPD

>mother. She has never been diagnosed, but I've read everything

>I can get my hands on over the years and she fits the

>description to a " t " . I've done everything I can to try and

>cope, and now find myself finally just losing hope that she and

>I will ever have a trusting, " normal " relationship now that she

>is advancing in years. Dad died a little over a year ago, and

>things got worse. I did everything I could to try and be there

>for her and maintain a full-time job, to the point of emotional

>and physical exhaustion. I finally drew boundaries after

>ending up in the hospital myself with a severe infection. And

>now I feel lonely, because we used to talk on the phone every

>day and visit often, but I just can't do that anymore because

>of the toll it takes on my self-esteem. She is very

>unpredictable, and sometimes she is fun and loving and

>caring. And then the next time I see her everything is

>negative and she criticizes me and backstabs other members of

>the famiily. So now I've decreased contact and suddenly a

>sibling is the golden child and I'm on the outside looking

>in. She even changed her will and decreased my inheritance so

>that she could leave an equal or greater portion to a favorite

>grandchild (not one of my own chidren) and removed me as the

>executor. It's not the money, mind you, as I am doing fine,

>it's that she did it and said " ____ always been there for

>me. " As though I have not. I feel like I've lost both parents

>in the past year, because now I'm giving up on my hopes and

>dreams that things will ever be any different. And I feel

>guilty for even talking about this to others, like I'm

>betraying her.

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with the loss of your dad

too. It is the unpredictability that makes it impossible for us to be

around them! They don't get that the bad is not okay even though they have

good qualities. My nada is good at making me feel like discussing any of

this with other people is betrayal. I think that is typical for BPD moms.

You are in the right place for discussing the crazy making of nadas. I hope

you find peace!

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of yorkiemom1952

Sent: Wednesday, October 10, 2012 8:58 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Introduction

I posted my intro in the general WTO group, but this group might be a better

fit, as I am an adult child of an aging BPD mother. She has never been

diagnosed, but I've read everything I can get my hands on over the years and

she fits the description to a " t " . I've done everything I can to try and

cope, and now find myself finally just losing hope that she and I will ever

have a trusting, " normal " relationship now that she is advancing in years.

Dad died a little over a year ago, and things got worse. I did everything I

could to try and be there for her and maintain a full-time job, to the point

of emotional and physical exhaustion. I finally drew boundaries after ending

up in the hospital myself with a severe infection. And now I feel lonely,

because we used to talk on the phone every day and visit often, but I just

can't do that anymore because of the toll it takes on my self-esteem. She is

very unpredictable, and sometimes she is fun and loving and caring. And then

the next time I see her everything is negative and she criticizes me and

backstabs other members of the famiily. So now I've decreased contact and

suddenly a sibling is the golden child and I'm on the outside looking in.

She even changed her will and decreased my inheritance so that she could

leave an equal or greater portion to a favorite grandchild (not one of my

own chidren) and removed me as the executor. It's not the money, mind you,

as I am doing fine, it's that she did it and said " ____ always been there

for me. " As though I have not. I feel like I've lost both parents in the

past year, because now I'm giving up on my hopes and dreams that things will

ever be any different. And I feel guilty for even talking about this to

others, like I'm betraying her.

[Guest guest]

Thank you, . I'll be reading through the posts, it does help to know I'm

not the only one dealing with this.

May we all find peace and support here.

YMom

>

> I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with the loss of your dad

> too. It is the unpredictability that makes it impossible for us to be

> around them! They don't get that the bad is not okay even though they have

> good qualities. My nada is good at making me feel like discussing any of

> this with other people is betrayal. I think that is typical for BPD moms.

>

>

>

> You are in the right place for discussing the crazy making of nadas. I hope

> you find peace!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of yorkiemom1952

> Sent: Wednesday, October 10, 2012 8:58 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Introduction

>

>

>

>

>

> I posted my intro in the general WTO group, but this group might be a better

> fit, as I am an adult child of an aging BPD mother. She has never been

> diagnosed, but I've read everything I can get my hands on over the years and

> she fits the description to a " t " . I've done everything I can to try and

> cope, and now find myself finally just losing hope that she and I will ever

> have a trusting, " normal " relationship now that she is advancing in years.

> Dad died a little over a year ago, and things got worse. I did everything I

> could to try and be there for her and maintain a full-time job, to the point

> of emotional and physical exhaustion. I finally drew boundaries after ending

> up in the hospital myself with a severe infection. And now I feel lonely,

> because we used to talk on the phone every day and visit often, but I just

> can't do that anymore because of the toll it takes on my self-esteem. She is

> very unpredictable, and sometimes she is fun and loving and caring. And then

> the next time I see her everything is negative and she criticizes me and

> backstabs other members of the famiily. So now I've decreased contact and

> suddenly a sibling is the golden child and I'm on the outside looking in.

> She even changed her will and decreased my inheritance so that she could

> leave an equal or greater portion to a favorite grandchild (not one of my

> own chidren) and removed me as the executor. It's not the money, mind you,

> as I am doing fine, it's that she did it and said " ____ always been there

> for me. " As though I have not. I feel like I've lost both parents in the

> past year, because now I'm giving up on my hopes and dreams that things will

> ever be any different. And I feel guilty for even talking about this to

> others, like I'm betraying her.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Amen to all you said, Katrina. Very helpful, and affirming to hear how similar

our stories are. Mom has changed her will several times in the past, usually

after I've attempted to draw boundaries. It's just insane, isn't it?

I have a gym membership, went once, and stopped going. I gained a lot of weight

after Dad died. For one thing, it was because I ate out a lot with Mom so she

wouldn't be lonely and then I just stopped caring (I heard it called " grief

eating " on a sitcom last night and totally identified with that). The crazy

thing about that is that even while she insisted I eat out with her, she also

critiqued my weight. I know I need to go back to the gymn and start taking

better care of myself now.

At work, I am surrounded by people who look to me for caretaking (it's my

profession), but right now I'm the one who needs support...So it's time to do

that for myself, now that I'm not so enmeshed with Mom. But I just get so

bogged down sometimes that I feel numb and defeated for days and don't even want

to try. It's grief piled on top of grief. But I know it's time to just let go

and move on and enjoy my life.

Yes, she and I have always been close, but it's because I'm the one who

gives...and gives and gives and gives. She talks and I listen and empathize.

Until now. Too bad it took me decades to finally just give UP. I love her, but

she will never change.

YMom

> >I posted my intro in the general WTO group, but this group

> >might be a better fit, as I am an adult child of an aging BPD

> >mother. She has never been diagnosed, but I've read everything

> >I can get my hands on over the years and she fits the

> >description to a " t " . I've done everything I can to try and

> >cope, and now find myself finally just losing hope that she and

> >I will ever have a trusting, " normal " relationship now that she

> >is advancing in years. Dad died a little over a year ago, and

> >things got worse. I did everything I could to try and be there

> >for her and maintain a full-time job, to the point of emotional

> >and physical exhaustion. I finally drew boundaries after

> >ending up in the hospital myself with a severe infection. And

> >now I feel lonely, because we used to talk on the phone every

> >day and visit often, but I just can't do that anymore because

> >of the toll it takes on my self-esteem. She is very

> >unpredictable, and sometimes she is fun and loving and

> >caring. And then the next time I see her everything is

> >negative and she criticizes me and backstabs other members of

> >the famiily. So now I've decreased contact and suddenly a

> >sibling is the golden child and I'm on the outside looking

> >in. She even changed her will and decreased my inheritance so

> >that she could leave an equal or greater portion to a favorite

> >grandchild (not one of my own chidren) and removed me as the

> >executor. It's not the money, mind you, as I am doing fine,

> >it's that she did it and said " ____ always been there for

> >me. " As though I have not. I feel like I've lost both parents

> >in the past year, because now I'm giving up on my hopes and

> >dreams that things will ever be any different. And I feel

> >guilty for even talking about this to others, like I'm

> >betraying her.

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>