RE: It's Over

[Guest guest]

Good luck to you! It is important that you see your life for what it is

YOURS! It is very upsetting to lose other people like your siblings in the

process and she no doubt has poisoned them against you. Part of BPD is

projecting and maybe since she has been cruel and dangerous person she is

she is projecting it on to you. It is not right, but we cannot control our

nadas and they are incapable of rational though on most occasions. L

It is good that although you're grieving you are seeing hope for your life

and your ability to live something new and exciting without waiting for

approval or interest from your nada. I too decided to go completely NC with

my nada after months of e-mailing trying to get her to take responsibility

for her behavior and actions, also to no avail. It just isn't worth it. I

need to be a little selfish right now - I think I've earned it after 37

years of placating her. J

Keep us posted!!

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of ponnie5

Sent: Wednesday, October 10, 2012 10:09 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: It's Over

I've written a few posts this week because I've been dealing with a lot. I

tried to reconnect with my Nada this week and it didn't go well.

In the end, she says she can't have a relationship with me because of my

betrayal and what a cruel person I am and that I am dangerous to her and her

kids (I'm not any of these things she says). Yes, even after pleading my

case to let me speak with my younger siblings, she has denied me them and

them me.

Now it's over, no more talking with Nada, no more relationship. And no more

relationship with my siblings. I love my siblings so much because they're

young and innocent (there's a big age gap so I always thought our

relationship was special and unique) And now the idea that I can't speak to

them, that I will miss important stuff in their lives, that is killing me, I

feel like I'm loosing my kids, if I had kids. I feel so bad for them that

they got stuck in the middle of this and that Nada is so scared and paranoid

of me that she needs to protect them from me (which is just one of the most

insane things I've ever heard)

The only thing I can hope is that in the years to come they will see and

realize her behavior is wrong and that hopefully one day we can reconnect.

As for now it's really hard to accept and realize that I won't be a part of

their lives.

What I've realized though...Now I can start to take care of myself. For a

year now, my Nada and I have been going through this stupid fight to no

avail and now I feel relieved in a way. Now I know where she stands and more

importantly I know where I stand.

She will no longer control me. I no longer have to walk on egg shells around

her. For the first time in my life I can start to take care of me! I can

focus on me and making me happy. For the first time in my life I don't have

to take care of her. I only have to take care of myself.

I'm so sad and depressed and hurt that I can't talk to my mom and even more

so that I will not be able to talk to my siblings but maybe this is the

start of MY life.

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry. The only bright spot is that you've tried and tried to have a

normal relationship with her. But it takes 2 and she's not willing to give an

inch.

I'm in a similar situation since yesterday my nada told me she can't take it any

more and she never wants me to come over again. She was quite adamant. On the

one hand it feels like a relief that I won't have to walk through that mine

field every time I go over, wondering what I say or do might make her angry

(example: she was mad that when she asked which food could she just eat without

cooking, I made suggestions and then she felt she " had to buy them. " ) The only

sad part is what I would feel for any elderly person living alone: she has

alienated everyone and we (me and my DH) were the only people left in her life

who continued to be there for her, even after her abusive comments at times. Now

she is completely alone and she's not able to care for herself for any length of

time. All I can do is wait for things to collapse around her.

It's going to feel like a big hole in your life since she's been a part of it

for ages. Even pain when it goes missing feels like an emptiness. Years ago I

had some work done on my heart to correct some rhythm problems. At first after

the procedure, my heart was so quiet that I couldn't sleep at night. LOL This is

quite similar.

Go easy on yourself. It's OK to let go and have a life of your own. You'll just

have to discover what it is YOU want to do.

>

> I've written a few posts this week because I've been dealing with a lot. I

tried to reconnect with my Nada this week and it didn't go well.

>

> In the end, she says she can't have a relationship with me because of my

betrayal and what a cruel person I am and that I am dangerous to her and her

kids (I'm not any of these things she says). Yes, even after pleading my case

to let me speak with my younger siblings, she has denied me them and them me.

>

> Now it's over, no more talking with Nada, no more relationship. And no more

relationship with my siblings. I love my siblings so much because they're young

and innocent (there's a big age gap so I always thought our relationship was

special and unique) And now the idea that I can't speak to them, that I will

miss important stuff in their lives, that is killing me, I feel like I'm loosing

my kids, if I had kids. I feel so bad for them that they got stuck in the

middle of this and that Nada is so scared and paranoid of me that she needs to

protect them from me (which is just one of the most insane things I've ever

heard)

>

> The only thing I can hope is that in the years to come they will see and

realize her behavior is wrong and that hopefully one day we can reconnect. As

for now it's really hard to accept and realize that I won't be a part of their

lives.

>

> What I've realized though...Now I can start to take care of myself. For a

year now, my Nada and I have been going through this stupid fight to no avail

and now I feel relieved in a way. Now I know where she stands and more

importantly I know where I stand.

>

> She will no longer control me. I no longer have to walk on egg shells around

her. For the first time in my life I can start to take care of me! I can focus

on me and making me happy. For the first time in my life I don't have to take

care of her. I only have to take care of myself.

>

> I'm so sad and depressed and hurt that I can't talk to my mom and even more so

that I will not be able to talk to my siblings but maybe this is the start of MY

life.

>

[Guest guest]

(((Ponnie5)))

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I empathize deeply with what you are going

through.

I cut contact with my Nada 1.5 years ago when I went through a breakthrough

crisis, realized my Nada and ex-h had BPD and that I deserved to be treated

better by everyone in my life (as in, I deserved to sometimes have my feelings

considered). I left my ex-h and when Nada made disparaging remarks, I told her

she had to apologize (which she has never before done in her life) and respect

my boundaries. She refused and she has since sided with my BPD ex-husband in

trying to take away my custody of my daughter, and she has turned her whole

family (all female members of which also have BPD) to believe that I am evil

(all-black) and they are all trying to destroy me and prop up my ex-husband

emotionally and financially in his battle to destroy me.

Nada's life is very sad, she has metastatic lung cancer and no one cares-

dishrag Schizoid dad is nominally there physically but he lives on an

emotionally absent other planet. My brother has polite contact with her but

hates her just as much as I do- he doesn't have the self-esteem to stand up for

himself when she attacks, so he just tolerates occasional contact with her as

best he can. I feel sad for her that she has no one in her life that cares for

her, but I can't take it on myself anymore when she refuses to take any

responsibility for the pain she causes. She is the most negative and abusive

person I have ever met and because of that no one wants to be around her. But

she refuses to see that her personality might have anything to do with the fact

that no one wants to be around her. Unfortunately, since all of her relatives

and her life partner are all mentally ill, she really has no incentive or

ability to break the trance of mental illness that surrounds her. My brother and

I somehow came out of this den of dysfunction without mental illness and I'm so

thankful we have each other to validate our perception of reality, but everyone

else in Nada's world (which is, as I mentioned, just a few family members that

are equally ill) just validates her deeply disturbed alternate reality.

It is very sad having a Nada. For most people, a mother is a source of comfort,

love and understanding, with the occasional frustration peppered in. For those

of us on this forum, Nada is a source of trauma, obligation and pain, with

occasional love and understanding peppered in (my Nada never showed love or

understanding, but she is a much more extreme case than I think is true for most

members here). Having a Nada means not just less positive support than most

people have, but a true drain where a support should be. I try to look at that

disadvantage from the perspective that it has forced me to build resilience that

other people are not lucky enough to have, and that allows me to persevere

through tough circumstances in a way that few people could.

It's definitely a challenge to maintain that perspective though, and on bad days

I feel so alone and sad. Why can't Nada just be supportive like other moms? What

is it about me that makes Nada want to destroy me instead of hug me? But

ultimately it's not me, it's her. I have friends and a significant other and

other people in my life who validate that I am worthy of love. She is the sick

one, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that. I can only change

how I internalize her rejection and understand that it's about her and the pain

that her sickness brings her with every minute that she lives. I am lucky to

have been born a fighter- she was not so lucky and will always be a victim to

her own distortions. That is sad but it is not my fault or responsibility. It

actually has nothing to do with me.

I really hope this helps. Sometimes messages like the above help me out of the

funk, but sometimes they don't. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by the sadness

of the situation. If this helps, great, but if not, that's ok too. Your

situation is objectively sad and if sometimes you are sad, particularly in

crisis moments like the one you are going through, that is perfectly valid. You

have a right to feel sad and I hope you will have compassion for the you that

went and is going through a lot with Nada. You are a person who deserves to feel

their feelings and not serve as Nada's dumping ground.

Good luck

Mdg2101

> >

> > I've written a few posts this week because I've been dealing with a lot. I

tried to reconnect with my Nada this week and it didn't go well.

> >

> > In the end, she says she can't have a relationship with me because of my

betrayal and what a cruel person I am and that I am dangerous to her and her

kids (I'm not any of these things she says). Yes, even after pleading my case

to let me speak with my younger siblings, she has denied me them and them me.

> >

> > Now it's over, no more talking with Nada, no more relationship. And no more

relationship with my siblings. I love my siblings so much because they're young

and innocent (there's a big age gap so I always thought our relationship was

special and unique) And now the idea that I can't speak to them, that I will

miss important stuff in their lives, that is killing me, I feel like I'm loosing

my kids, if I had kids. I feel so bad for them that they got stuck in the

middle of this and that Nada is so scared and paranoid of me that she needs to

protect them from me (which is just one of the most insane things I've ever

heard)

> >

> > The only thing I can hope is that in the years to come they will see and

realize her behavior is wrong and that hopefully one day we can reconnect. As

for now it's really hard to accept and realize that I won't be a part of their

lives.

> >

> > What I've realized though...Now I can start to take care of myself. For a

year now, my Nada and I have been going through this stupid fight to no avail

and now I feel relieved in a way. Now I know where she stands and more

importantly I know where I stand.

> >

> > She will no longer control me. I no longer have to walk on egg shells

around her. For the first time in my life I can start to take care of me! I can

focus on me and making me happy. For the first time in my life I don't have to

take care of her. I only have to take care of myself.

> >

> > I'm so sad and depressed and hurt that I can't talk to my mom and even more

so that I will not be able to talk to my siblings but maybe this is the start of

MY life.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to drop in again and send a hug. Reading your post is so sad. We may

have a nada that has legitimate needs due to poor health or cognitive problems

due to age, perhaps both. The nice side of us wants to help but it's like

sticking your hand into the fire to save something precious. The problem is

nadas are not necessarily " precious " and it's hard to risk ourselves emotionally

on their behalf.

Like you, I've never had a mom that actually cared about me. She might

occasionally ask a question about my life but within a sentence or two, things

switch right back to her life. After awhile we learn to avoid answering

questions like that because one: we know they don't really care; it's just a

springboard for their own conversational needs or two: they may use the

information against us later on. So why bother to open up and share? Kind of

lonely, isn't it?

But we persevere and find friends, other loved ones who will encourage us and

support us during the rough times. I'm glad you're a fighter and can stand up

for yourself. You do deserve some happiness.

>

> (((Ponnie5)))

>

> I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I empathize deeply with what you are

going through.

>

> I cut contact with my Nada 1.5 years ago when I went through a breakthrough

crisis, realized my Nada and ex-h had BPD and that I deserved to be treated

better by everyone in my life (as in, I deserved to sometimes have my feelings

considered). I left my ex-h and when Nada made disparaging remarks, I told her

she had to apologize (which she has never before done in her life) and respect

my boundaries. She refused and she has since sided with my BPD ex-husband in

trying to take away my custody of my daughter, and she has turned her whole

family (all female members of which also have BPD) to believe that I am evil

(all-black) and they are all trying to destroy me and prop up my ex-husband

emotionally and financially in his battle to destroy me.

>

> Nada's life is very sad, she has metastatic lung cancer and no one cares-

dishrag Schizoid dad is nominally there physically but he lives on an

emotionally absent other planet. My brother has polite contact with her but

hates her just as much as I do- he doesn't have the self-esteem to stand up for

himself when she attacks, so he just tolerates occasional contact with her as

best he can. I feel sad for her that she has no one in her life that cares for

her, but I can't take it on myself anymore when she refuses to take any

responsibility for the pain she causes. She is the most negative and abusive

person I have ever met and because of that no one wants to be around her. But

she refuses to see that her personality might have anything to do with the fact

that no one wants to be around her. Unfortunately, since all of her relatives

and her life partner are all mentally ill, she really has no incentive or

ability to break the trance of mental illness that surrounds her. My brother and

I somehow came out of this den of dysfunction without mental illness and I'm so

thankful we have each other to validate our perception of reality, but everyone

else in Nada's world (which is, as I mentioned, just a few family members that

are equally ill) just validates her deeply disturbed alternate reality.

>

> It is very sad having a Nada. For most people, a mother is a source of

comfort, love and understanding, with the occasional frustration peppered in.

For those of us on this forum, Nada is a source of trauma, obligation and pain,

with occasional love and understanding peppered in (my Nada never showed love or

understanding, but she is a much more extreme case than I think is true for most

members here). Having a Nada means not just less positive support than most

people have, but a true drain where a support should be. I try to look at that

disadvantage from the perspective that it has forced me to build resilience that

other people are not lucky enough to have, and that allows me to persevere

through tough circumstances in a way that few people could.

>

> It's definitely a challenge to maintain that perspective though, and on bad

days I feel so alone and sad. Why can't Nada just be supportive like other moms?

What is it about me that makes Nada want to destroy me instead of hug me? But

ultimately it's not me, it's her. I have friends and a significant other and

other people in my life who validate that I am worthy of love. She is the sick

one, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that. I can only change

how I internalize her rejection and understand that it's about her and the pain

that her sickness brings her with every minute that she lives. I am lucky to

have been born a fighter- she was not so lucky and will always be a victim to

her own distortions. That is sad but it is not my fault or responsibility. It

actually has nothing to do with me.

>

> I really hope this helps. Sometimes messages like the above help me out of the

funk, but sometimes they don't. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by the sadness

of the situation. If this helps, great, but if not, that's ok too. Your

situation is objectively sad and if sometimes you are sad, particularly in

crisis moments like the one you are going through, that is perfectly valid. You

have a right to feel sad and I hope you will have compassion for the you that

went and is going through a lot with Nada. You are a person who deserves to feel

their feelings and not serve as Nada's dumping ground.

>

> Good luck

>

> Mdg2101