It's Over

[Guest guest]

I've written a few posts this week because I've been dealing with a lot. I

tried to reconnect with my Nada this week and it didn't go well.

In the end, she says she can't have a relationship with me because of my

betrayal and what a cruel person I am and that I am dangerous to her and her

kids (I'm not any of these things she says). Yes, even after pleading my case

to let me speak with my younger siblings, she has denied me them and them me.

Now it's over, no more talking with Nada, no more relationship. And no more

relationship with my siblings. I love my siblings so much because they're young

and innocent (there's a big age gap so I always thought our relationship was

special and unique) And now the idea that I can't speak to them, that I will

miss important stuff in their lives, that is killing me, I feel like I'm loosing

my kids, if I had kids. I feel so bad for them that they got stuck in the

middle of this and that Nada is so scared and paranoid of me that she needs to

protect them from me (which is just one of the most insane things I've ever

heard)

The only thing I can hope is that in the years to come they will see and realize

her behavior is wrong and that hopefully one day we can reconnect. As for now

it's really hard to accept and realize that I won't be a part of their lives.

What I've realized though...Now I can start to take care of myself. For a year

now, my Nada and I have been going through this stupid fight to no avail and now

I feel relieved in a way. Now I know where she stands and more importantly I

know where I stand.

She will no longer control me. I no longer have to walk on egg shells around

her. For the first time in my life I can start to take care of me! I can focus

on me and making me happy. For the first time in my life I don't have to take

care of her. I only have to take care of myself.

I'm so sad and depressed and hurt that I can't talk to my mom and even more so

that I will not be able to talk to my siblings but maybe this is the start of MY

life.