Family Reunion

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

A few weeks ago I headed out to my cousin's wedding. This was a family reunion

of sorts as I hadn't seen everyone in about 8 years when I was a teenager

(everyone lives in carious parts of the country). My nada has a very large

family (one of 8 brothers and sisters). She was the only one of her brothers and

sisters not to attend the wedding. Since the last time I had seen everyone, I

had realized that my mother was " not ok " and definitely had BPD with maybe

something else mixed in (a ex-boyfriend dr. of hers mentioned schizophrenia to

me on the phone. I reached out to him- one of the few people I could think of

that had been in her life.) After all the struggles I went through with her as a

teenager and throughout college, I started reaching out to the family. Nada

referred to herself as the " black sheep " of the family a few times to me. I

didn't have too much of a relationship with her side of the family despite it

being so large. I figured that now, knowing that she needed help, was the time

to reach out. I reached out to two aunts and my grandmother. They all seemed

almost indifferent to the whole thing. I was coming from them asking for help

because I knew nada would not listen to me talk to her alone. Their responses

were along the lines of " Encourage her to get help. Don't stop talking to her.

Let her know you care. " After brief responses to my emails that was it. No one

wanted to talk to her about it or have any kind of an intervention. One aunt

privately talked to me about how my mother was always the odd one out, and as a

child I always seemed like the adult in the relationship etc. etc. It hurt that

the family knew what was going on (to an extent) and how she was but still never

tried to intervene. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt but it still stings

a bit.

I was hoping to have some discussions with the family about my mother and what

was going on but it never happened. It felt like she was a dirty secret that no

one wanted to get to close to BUT everyone still felt the need to encourage me

to call her and say she was missed at the wedding. I resented the fact that they

put the onus on me to call her. She is the one who has caused so much hurt and

caused us to not have a relationship. They don't even know the tip of the

iceberg of what has happened and dont seem to care to know. They dont know about

the times I was literally homeless calling and leaving messages begging for her

to call me and she didn't call back. I just let them all tell me what to do and

stayed silent not trying to start drama with 10+ family members at once when my

cousin is about to get married.

Anyway, at the reunion I talked to my mother's childhood best friend. She told

me that my mom was always trying to be the shining star and get praise and

acknowledgement from her parents but ended up lost in the crowd of 8 kids.

Apparently when I was a baby, nada went to visit her friend and was a ball of

anxiety, worried about being a good mother. Friend said she was so worried about

being a good mother she ended up being a bad mother. This was a huge insight

into what made nada the way she is. It was almost a relief to know that she was

genuinely concerned about being a good parent. I guess she just got lost along

the way. Very lost. It makes me feel bad for her which I really haven't felt

before. It's mostly been anger but now it's sadness and pity that she will

never have a normal life.