Re: Re: Once again I share too much...with a family member.

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone,

I wrote him again last night and said " Now I know it was stupid of me to be

so transparent with you. I've always wanted tight family relationships.

Since we have so much in common, I shared too much. My apologies again. "

His response was 2 words: No problem

Yeah...that relationship is done. We'll just be chatty or something if I

ever get around to a family reunion.

Family sucks. Thank goodness for friends.

> **

>

>

> (((Peacefulwarriorwoman)))

>

> I can really relate. My mother, 2 aunts, grandmother and cousin all have

> BPD. It is not at all uncommon for a whole family system to be afflicted

> with this illness, not just one member. My dishrag enabling Dad is schizoid

> and over the years cut all contact with any family or friends he had before

> my mother took over his life, so I don't know any members of his family. I

> cut contact with all family 1.5 years ago when I had a breakthrough about

> what my family was really like. I've recently reestablished contact with my

> brother- we've never been close but he, like me and unlike everyone elsein

> my family, is not sick, so we've had some productive conversations and he

> is able to provide limieted support- a lot like your cousin. So I know

> EXACTLY how you feel. Really alone, with the worst, craziest, most

> enmeshed, crazy-making, enabling family of all time. It is so frustrating.

> You are not alone though. There are a lot of us out there having a similar

> experience. It feels like it's just you when the entire family system is

> aligned against you, but it's just further evidence of their illness (not

> yours!) that they can just be ok with having an ostracized family member.

> I'm still sorry you're going through it though. There's no doubt that

> having a crappy, invalidating, sick family sucks regardless of how good

> your perspective can be about it.

>

>

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > You probably can relate...so my mom isn't the only BPD in the family. I

> have a couple of aunts and grandmother with it. Therefore I've got lots of

> passive uncles. Then on my dad's side, my grandfather is a big-time

> narcissist. We've got a ton of aunts, uncles, cousins on both sides of the

> family.

> >

> > So knowing I can't be transparent with my immediate family, I always

> hoped to find one...just one family member who really got the dysfunction.

> So we could be a mutual support for each other. But I've never found that

> person, even as my cousins got older.

> >

> > To me real family are the people who connect with you, love you for who

> you really are. Not because you happen to be a relation... " so we need to

> stick together. " So I've remained out of state, rarely seeing the extended

> family because the gatherings are so shallow and I hate hearing the

> gossip/drama afterwards.

> >

> > But staying away from family has made me feel lonely. It's depressing to

> me that I enjoy the holidays with friends and their families so much more.

> Too bad there's no one in the 50+ members of my family who I really enjoy

> being with.

> >

> > Then a year ago, a cousin reached out to me. We totally hit it off!

> Turns out he's very similar to me...even getting a masters in counseling.

> We spent time analyzing our family together...it was awesome and a gift. We

> could spend hours talking because we're so alike (making us total black

> sheep to the family).

> >

> > We've stayed in touch, but I noticed the conversation getting awkward

> when I'd talk about my family drama. He once told me, compared to his mom,

> mine looks like a saint. He said my mom was his only image of a mother in

> his life. So I knew it would be disappointing for him to hear me share

> there was emotional abuse under the surface. Yet he said it's

> understandable and was always a supportive listener.

> >

> > My cousin is really nice and a little passive. So I would always end our

> conversations with " hey I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable with my

> sharing. " He'd always say... " no you're fine. "

> >

> > Well yesterday I got some really difficult news about my family (about

> one of my brothers...not my mom). So I reached out to him. It had been

> really upsetting stuff, so I had a lot to process. And he did a good share

> of analyzing it too. Then suddenly he seemed to shut down and start

> minimizing the drama. And he ended the conversation abruptly.

> >

> > So I quickly emailed him on Facebook an apology if I came off too harsh

> and said I'd not discuss family stuff with him if that made our friendship

> better. I never got a reply, but he's been chatting on Facebook throughout

> the day.

> >

> > I do feel rejected. It sucks. But I take responsibility for my part. I

> wrote about this problem once before when dealing with friendships.

> >

> > So that's it! No more friendships with passive, sweet people. It always

> bites me in the butt. I'm all the more sure it's better for me to keep the

> boundaries with all family members. No one is to be trusted...and so no one

> will ever feel like real family.

> >

> > Now I'm battling to believe the problem isn't me. That this is not a

> sign I just suck at being in a family. I just don't fit my family...right?

> I've spent way more time than any of them in therapy and working on myself.

> God I just wish I had someone intimately in my life so we could be

> side-by-side in this. I feel so alone....

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe it's a bit of the push me pull you syndrome? Don't know your

relative but some people I know when I disappear they look for me and

when I look for them, they're not available. Maybe it's a subconscious

power thing or some form of anxiety. They don't want you far but they

don't feel comfortable close either. They may fear engulfment or feel

uncomfortable with approval.

On Fri, Oct 12, 2012 at 1:00 PM, April Vermillion

april.lynn.vermillion@...> wrote:

> Thanks everyone,

>

> I wrote him again last night and said " Now I know it was stupid of me to be

> so transparent with you. I've always wanted tight family relationships.

> Since we have so much in common, I shared too much. My apologies again. "

>

> His response was 2 words: No problem