Re: Once again I share too much...with a family member.

[Guest guest]

I relate to this. I have no one in my family too. But we have this group.

On Fri, Oct 12, 2012 at 2:25 AM, peacefulwarriorwoman <

april.lynn.vermillion@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> You probably can relate...so my mom isn't the only BPD in the family. I

> have a couple of aunts and grandmother with it. Therefore I've got lots of

> passive uncles. Then on my dad's side, my grandfather is a big-time

> narcissist. We've got a ton of aunts, uncles, cousins on both sides of the

> family.

>

> So knowing I can't be transparent with my immediate family, I always hoped

> to find one...just one family member who really got the dysfunction. So we

> could be a mutual support for each other. But I've never found that person,

> even as my cousins got older.

>

> To me real family are the people who connect with you, love you for who

> you really are. Not because you happen to be a relation... " so we need to

> stick together. " So I've remained out of state, rarely seeing the extended

> family because the gatherings are so shallow and I hate hearing the

> gossip/drama afterwards.

>

> But staying away from family has made me feel lonely. It's depressing to

> me that I enjoy the holidays with friends and their families so much more.

> Too bad there's no one in the 50+ members of my family who I really enjoy

> being with.

>

> Then a year ago, a cousin reached out to me. We totally hit it off! Turns

> out he's very similar to me...even getting a masters in counseling. We

> spent time analyzing our family together...it was awesome and a gift. We

> could spend hours talking because we're so alike (making us total black

> sheep to the family).

>

> We've stayed in touch, but I noticed the conversation getting awkward when

> I'd talk about my family drama. He once told me, compared to his mom, mine

> looks like a saint. He said my mom was his only image of a mother in his

> life. So I knew it would be disappointing for him to hear me share there

> was emotional abuse under the surface. Yet he said it's understandable and

> was always a supportive listener.

>

> My cousin is really nice and a little passive. So I would always end our

> conversations with " hey I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable with my

> sharing. " He'd always say... " no you're fine. "

>

> Well yesterday I got some really difficult news about my family (about one

> of my brothers...not my mom). So I reached out to him. It had been really

> upsetting stuff, so I had a lot to process. And he did a good share of

> analyzing it too. Then suddenly he seemed to shut down and start minimizing

> the drama. And he ended the conversation abruptly.

>

> So I quickly emailed him on Facebook an apology if I came off too harsh

> and said I'd not discuss family stuff with him if that made our friendship

> better. I never got a reply, but he's been chatting on Facebook throughout

> the day.

>

> I do feel rejected. It sucks. But I take responsibility for my part. I

> wrote about this problem once before when dealing with friendships.

>

> So that's it! No more friendships with passive, sweet people. It always

> bites me in the butt. I'm all the more sure it's better for me to keep the

> boundaries with all family members. No one is to be trusted...and so no one

> will ever feel like real family.

>

> Now I'm battling to believe the problem isn't me. That this is not a sign

> I just suck at being in a family. I just don't fit my family...right? I've

> spent way more time than any of them in therapy and working on myself. God

> I just wish I had someone intimately in my life so we could be side-by-side

> in this. I feel so alone....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry this experience happened to you- from what you described it says more

about him than you. I applaud your honesty!

Jaleo

Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

(((Peacefulwarriorwoman)))

I can really relate. My mother, 2 aunts, grandmother and cousin all have BPD.

It is not at all uncommon for a whole family system to be afflicted with this

illness, not just one member. My dishrag enabling Dad is schizoid and over the

years cut all contact with any family or friends he had before my mother took

over his life, so I don't know any members of his family. I cut contact with

all family 1.5 years ago when I had a breakthrough about what my family was

really like. I've recently reestablished contact with my brother- we've never

been close but he, like me and unlike everyone elsein my family, is not sick, so

we've had some productive conversations and he is able to provide limieted

support- a lot like your cousin. So I know EXACTLY how you feel. Really alone,

with the worst, craziest, most enmeshed, crazy-making, enabling family of all

time. It is so frustrating. You are not alone though. There are a lot of us out

there having a similar experience. It feels like it's just you when the entire

family system is aligned against you, but it's just further evidence of their

illness (not yours!) that they can just be ok with having an ostracized family

member. I'm still sorry you're going through it though. There's no doubt that

having a crappy, invalidating, sick family sucks regardless of how good your

perspective can be about it.

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> You probably can relate...so my mom isn't the only BPD in the family. I have

a couple of aunts and grandmother with it. Therefore I've got lots of passive

uncles. Then on my dad's side, my grandfather is a big-time narcissist. We've

got a ton of aunts, uncles, cousins on both sides of the family.

>

> So knowing I can't be transparent with my immediate family, I always hoped to

find one...just one family member who really got the dysfunction. So we could be

a mutual support for each other. But I've never found that person, even as my

cousins got older.

>

> To me real family are the people who connect with you, love you for who you

really are. Not because you happen to be a relation... " so we need to stick

together. " So I've remained out of state, rarely seeing the extended family

because the gatherings are so shallow and I hate hearing the gossip/drama

afterwards.

>

> But staying away from family has made me feel lonely. It's depressing to me

that I enjoy the holidays with friends and their families so much more. Too bad

there's no one in the 50+ members of my family who I really enjoy being with.

>

> Then a year ago, a cousin reached out to me. We totally hit it off! Turns out

he's very similar to me...even getting a masters in counseling. We spent time

analyzing our family together...it was awesome and a gift. We could spend hours

talking because we're so alike (making us total black sheep to the family).

>

> We've stayed in touch, but I noticed the conversation getting awkward when I'd

talk about my family drama. He once told me, compared to his mom, mine looks

like a saint. He said my mom was his only image of a mother in his life. So I

knew it would be disappointing for him to hear me share there was emotional

abuse under the surface. Yet he said it's understandable and was always a

supportive listener.

>

> My cousin is really nice and a little passive. So I would always end our

conversations with " hey I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable with my sharing. "

He'd always say... " no you're fine. "

>

> Well yesterday I got some really difficult news about my family (about one of

my brothers...not my mom). So I reached out to him. It had been really

upsetting stuff, so I had a lot to process. And he did a good share of analyzing

it too. Then suddenly he seemed to shut down and start minimizing the drama.

And he ended the conversation abruptly.

>

> So I quickly emailed him on Facebook an apology if I came off too harsh and

said I'd not discuss family stuff with him if that made our friendship better.

I never got a reply, but he's been chatting on Facebook throughout the day.

>

> I do feel rejected. It sucks. But I take responsibility for my part. I wrote

about this problem once before when dealing with friendships.

>

> So that's it! No more friendships with passive, sweet people. It always bites

me in the butt. I'm all the more sure it's better for me to keep the boundaries

with all family members. No one is to be trusted...and so no one will ever feel

like real family.

>

> Now I'm battling to believe the problem isn't me. That this is not a sign I

just suck at being in a family. I just don't fit my family...right? I've spent

way more time than any of them in therapy and working on myself. God I just

wish I had someone intimately in my life so we could be side-by-side in this. I

feel so alone....

>

[Guest guest]

He did follow up and say " I don't mind you sharing. "

But by his reactions during the conversation, his not even saying goodbye at the

end, and his blatant ignoring me for a full day after I sent an apology, it was

obvious that he DID mind.

Once again I was trying to build a friendship with someone who can't

communicate. So I simply replied: " That's nice of you to say. Have a great

weekend. "

If you're wondering what the subject was...I was telling him my teenage brother

got arrested for theft. No one in my immediate family has been to jail, so we're

all pretty upset. But my cousin started tuning out. Which is fine...if he's

tired, not in the mood to discuss the problem, or even thinks I'm

over-reacting...just tell me that instead of shutting down and ignoring me.

I'm tired of sharing my heart with men who do the shut-down-and-ignore-you act.

Or with women who do the shut-down-until-they-blow-up act. I'll respect your

needs if you simply tell me what they are.

At least I'm getting faster at distancing from people like this. But it

aggravated that hole in my life I try to ignore...I can't really be loved by

anyone in my family.

I don't want to wallow...I need to work on having higher standards for close

relationships. There are wonderful, healthy, people out there who I'm missing

out knowing if I just focus on what I don't have. As I'm typing, I'm starting to

really realize I am a problem...for people comfortable with unhealthy

relationships.

I've worked my ASS off to be a healthier person. So I'm going to be more

selective...because loving me is a privilege not a right. No more passive

friends. I want honesty and transparency. I'm very intuitive...I can tell when

people are holding back. So from now on, I'm going to see this as a red flag to

GUARD myself from someone instead of thinking, " Oh! Someone I can relate to. "

Thanks for listening everyone. And reminding me you're here for the support.

Have a good weekend.

> > Thanks everyone,

> >

> > I wrote him again last night and said " Now I know it was stupid of me to be

> > so transparent with you. I've always wanted tight family relationships.

> > Since we have so much in common, I shared too much. My apologies again. "

> >

> > His response was 2 words: No problem

>

[Guest guest]

April,

It may be a combination of things including he viewed your mother as ideal, and

now that you have pulled the curtain back he has to reframe his thoughts. This

can be unsettling. It can be hard for him to realize the woman he idealized

growing up wasn't what he thought. Sometimes when you are sharing with him, it

may cause him to " split " being supportive of you and trying to hold on to the

image he had of your mother.

I have found it difficult to speak to family members about my mother as they

believe what they thought they have known. I have been called a liar, told I

was confused and should not say these things.

One cousin who witnessed more than others is supportive but even speaking to her

can be difficult as she did have it worse with her mother, and then an aunt of

ours she went to live with was abusive towards her. So when we discuss

something it triggers memories of stored away pain in her.

Hopefully, this group and other sources can give you the forum to share. It

sounds like your cousin needed a day to process what you shared with him.

Peace and Blessings,

MyReality

> > > Thanks everyone,

> > >

> > > I wrote him again last night and said " Now I know it was stupid of me to

be

> > > so transparent with you. I've always wanted tight family relationships.

> > > Since we have so much in common, I shared too much. My apologies again. "

> > >

> > > His response was 2 words: No problem

> >

>