Guest guest Posted October 12, 2012 Report Share Posted October 12, 2012 I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out about BPD after my nada went off on me about how I don't meet her needs and she needs me to show her more love last July. I stopped talking to her, found BPD and have only conversed via e-mail since then. I finally broke down and e-mailed that her verbal abuse has got to stop or we can no longer have a relationship. I would have just stopped talking to her years ago except that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to grandma's house. This group and reading the books helped me see that handing my children over to her when she has been so verbally and emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told her if she wants to see the kids she has to come to group events like sports games the kids are in. She refused to come because she felt uncomfortable since I was upset with her. So, after calmly and using very non-aggressive wording in my e-mails she finds out that I changed my cell phone number and didn't give it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails for 3 months!) and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She has not made any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever was bothering me. She did make blanket apologies for " whatever happened you're so upset about " but clearly doesn't get which words are not appropriate like " your love costs me too much! " Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell just in case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am moving next week and she doesn't have my address. I will refuse to even read her e-mails if any more come through. However, I question whether I'm shutting her out because I just don't have to have disrespectful people in my life or because as the scared little girl inside I am hiding from her wrath. It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at least off and on if not permanently. Once you know they have BPD and stop placating and trying to appease them there seems to be very little possibility of maintaining a relationship. I really don't see how to get from no contact and her being really angry about " my treatment of her " to it not being a lifetime of her pointing back to the point in time and reminding me of how horrible I was to take her grandchildren away from her for the holidays etc. Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid father and pretend they are dead and not look back just so I don't have to worry about what the reunion might look like? Or suck it up and give her a chance next spring to have limited visits with the grandkids (supervised at my house) so my kids can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 12, 2012 Report Share Posted October 12, 2012 I would run if I were you. You nailed it, once you know what they are, there's no placating them enough anymore. She'll take it out on your kids and try to turn them against you. > ** > > > I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out about BPD after > my nada went off on me about how I don't meet her needs and she needs me to > show her more love last July. I stopped talking to her, found BPD and have > only conversed via e-mail since then. I finally broke down and e-mailed > that her verbal abuse has got to stop or we can no longer have a > relationship. I would have just stopped talking to her years ago except > that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to grandma's house. This group and > reading the books helped me see that handing my children over to her when > she has been so verbally and emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told > her if she wants to see the kids she has to come to group events like > sports games the kids are in. She refused to come because she felt > uncomfortable since I was upset with her. So, after calmly and using very > non-aggressive wording in my e-mails she finds out that I changed my cell > phone number and didn't give it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails > for 3 months!) and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your > wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. > > It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She has not made > any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever was bothering me. She did > make blanket apologies for " whatever happened you're so upset about " but > clearly doesn't get which words are not appropriate like " your love costs > me too much! " > > Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell just in > case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am moving next week and she > doesn't have my address. I will refuse to even read her e-mails if any more > come through. However, I question whether I'm shutting her out because I > just don't have to have disrespectful people in my life or because as the > scared little girl inside I am hiding from her wrath. > > It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at least off and > on if not permanently. Once you know they have BPD and stop placating and > trying to appease them there seems to be very little possibility of > maintaining a relationship. I really don't see how to get from no contact > and her being really angry about " my treatment of her " to it not being a > lifetime of her pointing back to the point in time and reminding me of how > horrible I was to take her grandchildren away from her for the holidays > etc. > > Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid father and > pretend they are dead and not look back just so I don't have to worry about > what the reunion might look like? Or suck it up and give her a chance next > spring to have limited visits with the grandkids (supervised at my house) > so my kids can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 12, 2012 Report Share Posted October 12, 2012 Hi , Deciding about whether to go No Contact or to remain in LImited Contact with Boundaries is such a deeply personal choice, nobody can make that decision for you. I think you are hitting on some really meaningful insights, though, about why you feel the need to cut off contact. You mentioned feeling like a scared little girl in relationship to your bpd mother; I can relate to that feeling. In my own case, I'd reached my late 50's and it just felt necessary for me, and my history with my nada, for me to go No Contact permanently. I couldn't take any more of the roller-coaster ride. I couldn't take it anymore: hearing my nada accusing me with vitriolic hatred of saying or doing ugly things I didn't say or do one minute, then the next minute crying and saying she was sorry and she loved me, or acting like nothing was wrong (like she hadn't just raked me over the coals again.) I'd been enduring those behaviors of hers my whole life and it finally started making me literally sick: physically sick. I had to choose my own wellness over my bpd/npd mother's feelings, and it wasn't an easy decision. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. So, the way I see it, this is really about giving yourself permission to just calmly and rationally think through your own individual situation. Its OK to take your time, and really think about whether remaining in contact with your bpd mother has any upside to it for you, or not; and if there is an upside, is it enough to justify remaining in contact? If you are considering No Contact, think about whether temporary NC would work better for you, or permanent NC. Think about whether it would be better for you to learn how to set firm boundaries and enforce them so that you could remain in Limited Contact, or not. It takes a lot of work to set and maintain boundaries; if your bpd mother is not mostly toxic most of the time and if you're not sustaining fresh trauma from remaining in contact with her, maybe its worth it. Only you can know whether you have the desire, and the resilience and stamina necessary to maintain a controlled, limited relationship, or whether remaining in contact is slowly eating you alive/destroying you. I hope that helps. -Annie > > I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out about BPD after my nada went off on me about how I don't meet her needs and she needs me to show her more love last July. I stopped talking to her, found BPD and have only conversed via e-mail since then. I finally broke down and e-mailed that her verbal abuse has got to stop or we can no longer have a relationship. I would have just stopped talking to her years ago except that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to grandma's house. This group and reading the books helped me see that handing my children over to her when she has been so verbally and emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told her if she wants to see the kids she has to come to group events like sports games the kids are in. She refused to come because she felt uncomfortable since I was upset with her. So, after calmly and using very non-aggressive wording in my e-mails she finds out that I changed my cell phone number and didn't give it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails for 3 months!) and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. > > It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She has not made any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever was bothering me. She did make blanket apologies for " whatever happened you're so upset about " but clearly doesn't get which words are not appropriate like " your love costs me too much! " > > Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell just in case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am moving next week and she doesn't have my address. I will refuse to even read her e-mails if any more come through. However, I question whether I'm shutting her out because I just don't have to have disrespectful people in my life or because as the scared little girl inside I am hiding from her wrath. > > It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at least off and on if not permanently. Once you know they have BPD and stop placating and trying to appease them there seems to be very little possibility of maintaining a relationship. I really don't see how to get from no contact and her being really angry about " my treatment of her " to it not being a lifetime of her pointing back to the point in time and reminding me of how horrible I was to take her grandchildren away from her for the holidays etc. > > Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid father and pretend they are dead and not look back just so I don't have to worry about what the reunion might look like? Or suck it up and give her a chance next spring to have limited visits with the grandkids (supervised at my house) so my kids can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 Thank you for your insight, Annie, as usual. J Being that BPD is similar in most nadas I was just trying to visualize a reunion at a later date (months or years from now) and thinking it probably would not go well. . . I prefer to avoid anything that I'll regret later. Fortunately I don't have too many extended family members (two to be exact) to worry about flying monkeys and I don't care about or need anything from my FOO at all - something I've made sure of over the years. So, in answer to the question is there any upside to me? No. There must still be an element of FOG rolling around since I'm questioning it. . . I assume that gets better the longer you're in NC. J -W From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854 Sent: Friday, October 12, 2012 10:35 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Crazy-Maker Hi , Deciding about whether to go No Contact or to remain in LImited Contact with Boundaries is such a deeply personal choice, nobody can make that decision for you. I think you are hitting on some really meaningful insights, though, about why you feel the need to cut off contact. You mentioned feeling like a scared little girl in relationship to your bpd mother; I can relate to that feeling. In my own case, I'd reached my late 50's and it just felt necessary for me, and my history with my nada, for me to go No Contact permanently. I couldn't take any more of the roller-coaster ride. I couldn't take it anymore: hearing my nada accusing me with vitriolic hatred of saying or doing ugly things I didn't say or do one minute, then the next minute crying and saying she was sorry and she loved me, or acting like nothing was wrong (like she hadn't just raked me over the coals again.) I'd been enduring those behaviors of hers my whole life and it finally started making me literally sick: physically sick. I had to choose my own wellness over my bpd/npd mother's feelings, and it wasn't an easy decision. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. So, the way I see it, this is really about giving yourself permission to just calmly and rationally think through your own individual situation. Its OK to take your time, and really think about whether remaining in contact with your bpd mother has any upside to it for you, or not; and if there is an upside, is it enough to justify remaining in contact? If you are considering No Contact, think about whether temporary NC would work better for you, or permanent NC. Think about whether it would be better for you to learn how to set firm boundaries and enforce them so that you could remain in Limited Contact, or not. It takes a lot of work to set and maintain boundaries; if your bpd mother is not mostly toxic most of the time and if you're not sustaining fresh trauma from remaining in contact with her, maybe its worth it. Only you can know whether you have the desire, and the resilience and stamina necessary to maintain a controlled, limited relationship, or whether remaining in contact is slowly eating you alive/destroying you. I hope that helps. -Annie > > I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out about BPD after my nada went off on me about how I don't meet her needs and she needs me to show her more love last July. I stopped talking to her, found BPD and have only conversed via e-mail since then. I finally broke down and e-mailed that her verbal abuse has got to stop or we can no longer have a relationship. I would have just stopped talking to her years ago except that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to grandma's house. This group and reading the books helped me see that handing my children over to her when she has been so verbally and emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told her if she wants to see the kids she has to come to group events like sports games the kids are in. She refused to come because she felt uncomfortable since I was upset with her. So, after calmly and using very non-aggressive wording in my e-mails she finds out that I changed my cell phone number and didn't give it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails for 3 months!) and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. > > It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She has not made any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever was bothering me. She did make blanket apologies for " whatever happened you're so upset about " but clearly doesn't get which words are not appropriate like " your love costs me too much! " > > Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell just in case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am moving next week and she doesn't have my address. I will refuse to even read her e-mails if any more come through. However, I question whether I'm shutting her out because I just don't have to have disrespectful people in my life or because as the scared little girl inside I am hiding from her wrath. > > It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at least off and on if not permanently. Once you know they have BPD and stop placating and trying to appease them there seems to be very little possibility of maintaining a relationship. I really don't see how to get from no contact and her being really angry about " my treatment of her " to it not being a lifetime of her pointing back to the point in time and reminding me of how horrible I was to take her grandchildren away from her for the holidays etc. > > Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid father and pretend they are dead and not look back just so I don't have to worry about what the reunion might look like? Or suck it up and give her a chance next spring to have limited visits with the grandkids (supervised at my house) so my kids can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 Thank you! That is my fear - that my kids will be punished because of my decisions. It is just hard for me to worry about them not understanding who my parents really are and resenting me for taking them away. However, once they get old enough they can pursue a relationship and I doubt it will take long before they see why I let go. . . - W Re: Crazy-Maker I would run if I were you. You nailed it, once you know what they are, there's no placating them enough anymore. She'll take it out on your kids and try to turn them against you. > ** > > > I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out about BPD > after my nada went off on me about how I don't meet her needs and she > needs me to show her more love last July. I stopped talking to her, > found BPD and have only conversed via e-mail since then. I finally > broke down and e-mailed that her verbal abuse has got to stop or we > can no longer have a relationship. I would have just stopped talking > to her years ago except that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to > grandma's house. This group and reading the books helped me see that > handing my children over to her when she has been so verbally and > emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told her if she wants to see > the kids she has to come to group events like sports games the kids > are in. She refused to come because she felt uncomfortable since I was > upset with her. So, after calmly and using very non-aggressive wording > in my e-mails she finds out that I changed my cell phone number and > didn't give it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails for 3 > months!) and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. > > It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She has not > made any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever was bothering > me. She did make blanket apologies for " whatever happened you're so > upset about " but clearly doesn't get which words are not appropriate > like " your love costs me too much! " > > Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell just in > case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am moving next week > and she doesn't have my address. I will refuse to even read her > e-mails if any more come through. However, I question whether I'm > shutting her out because I just don't have to have disrespectful > people in my life or because as the scared little girl inside I am hiding from her wrath. > > It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at least off > and on if not permanently. Once you know they have BPD and stop > placating and trying to appease them there seems to be very little > possibility of maintaining a relationship. I really don't see how to > get from no contact and her being really angry about " my treatment of > her " to it not being a lifetime of her pointing back to the point in > time and reminding me of how horrible I was to take her grandchildren > away from her for the holidays etc. > > Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid father > and pretend they are dead and not look back just so I don't have to > worry about what the reunion might look like? Or suck it up and give > her a chance next spring to have limited visits with the grandkids > (supervised at my house) so my kids can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 I think that grieving for the parents you didn't have and acting like they are dead is a valid choice. Whether you need to do so is hard to say though. It is not impossible to maintain a relationship with a nada, but doing so in a healthy way takes a lot of work and it may or may not work depending on individual circumstances. I maintain some contact with my nada. It is hard not to when she only lives several blocks away and can easily show up at my door if I don't answer the phone. My sister on the other hand has nothing at all to do with her. She joined the army after graduating from college and never told nada how to find her so nada has no way to bother her. Sometimes I am quite jealous of her for being in a position where she could make that decision. Whatever you decide about contact with them, your parents are never going to be the parents you should have had. Even if you decide to stay in contact with them, grieving for what you didn't and never will have a valid and sometimes helpful in accepting what is rather than what should have been. It sounds like you have a problem with not trusting your own motivations for wanting no contact. Even if the scared little girl inside you is hiding from her wrath, that doesn't negate the fact that you don't have to have disrespectful people in your life. Whatever other emotions such people generate in you, it is true that you don't have to put up with their behavior. Also, please don't feel that you have to show your kids that you aren't running away from your parents. You can talk to them in age-appropriate ways about the kind of problems their grandparents have and why you've made the choices you've made. Not everything needs to be shown. I think it is safe to say that you don't feel you have to put your hand on a hot stove burner to show them that it will burn them. Similarly, you don't need to let yourself be mentally " burnt " by your parents to show your kids why you're cutting off/limiting contact. One more thing to consider is that going no contact doesn't have to be a permanent decision. You can do it now but change your mind and decide to give them another chance later, if and when you feel you're in a better position to handle dealing with them. You can try having no contact for several months and see how it feels. You don't need to make a decision now about what to do next spring. At 10:40 PM 10/12/2012 wrote: >I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out >about BPD after my nada went off on me about how I don't meet >her needs and she needs me to show her more love last July. I >stopped talking to her, found BPD and have only conversed via >e-mail since then. I finally broke down and e-mailed that her >verbal abuse has got to stop or we can no longer have a >relationship. I would have just stopped talking to her years >ago except that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to >grandma's house. This group and reading the books helped me >see that handing my children over to her when she has been so >verbally and emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told her >if she wants to see the kids she has to come to group events >like sports games the kids are in. She refused to come because >she felt uncomfortable since I was upset with her. So, after >calmly and using very non-aggressive wording in my e-mails she >finds out that I changed my cell phone number and didn't give >it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails for 3 months!) >and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your >wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. > >It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She >has not made any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever >was bothering me. She did make blanket apologies for " whatever >happened you're so upset about " but clearly doesn't get which >words are not appropriate like " your love costs me too much! " > >Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell >just in case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am >moving next week and she doesn't have my address. I will >refuse to even read her e-mails if any more come >through. However, I question whether I'm shutting her out >because I just don't have to have disrespectful people in my >life or because as the scared little girl inside I am hiding >from her wrath. > >It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at >least off and on if not permanently. Once you know they have >BPD and stop placating and trying to appease them there seems >to be very little possibility of maintaining a relationship. I >really don't see how to get from no contact and her being >really angry about " my treatment of her " to it not being a >lifetime of her pointing back to the point in time and >reminding me of how horrible I was to take her grandchildren >away from her for the holidays etc. > >Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid >father and pretend they are dead and not look back just so I >don't have to worry about what the reunion might look like? Or >suck it up and give her a chance next spring to have limited >visits with the grandkids (supervised at my house) so my kids >can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 My BPD mom turned my daughters against me BIG time and they are now BPD and very mean and abusive just like mom was. > > > ** > > > > > > I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out about BPD after > > my nada went off on me about how I don't meet her needs and she needs me to > > show her more love last July. I stopped talking to her, found BPD and have > > only conversed via e-mail since then. I finally broke down and e-mailed > > that her verbal abuse has got to stop or we can no longer have a > > relationship. I would have just stopped talking to her years ago except > > that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to grandma's house. This group and > > reading the books helped me see that handing my children over to her when > > she has been so verbally and emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told > > her if she wants to see the kids she has to come to group events like > > sports games the kids are in. She refused to come because she felt > > uncomfortable since I was upset with her. So, after calmly and using very > > non-aggressive wording in my e-mails she finds out that I changed my cell > > phone number and didn't give it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails > > for 3 months!) and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your > > wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. > > > > It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She has not made > > any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever was bothering me. She did > > make blanket apologies for " whatever happened you're so upset about " but > > clearly doesn't get which words are not appropriate like " your love costs > > me too much! " > > > > Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell just in > > case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am moving next week and she > > doesn't have my address. I will refuse to even read her e-mails if any more > > come through. However, I question whether I'm shutting her out because I > > just don't have to have disrespectful people in my life or because as the > > scared little girl inside I am hiding from her wrath. > > > > It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at least off and > > on if not permanently. Once you know they have BPD and stop placating and > > trying to appease them there seems to be very little possibility of > > maintaining a relationship. I really don't see how to get from no contact > > and her being really angry about " my treatment of her " to it not being a > > lifetime of her pointing back to the point in time and reminding me of how > > horrible I was to take her grandchildren away from her for the holidays > > etc. > > > > Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid father and > > pretend they are dead and not look back just so I don't have to worry about > > what the reunion might look like? Or suck it up and give her a chance next > > spring to have limited visits with the grandkids (supervised at my house) > > so my kids can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 I also have a Nada and a Schizoid father. I choose to have no contact with her and do not allow her into my daughter's life (my BPD ex-husband does allow my mother around her though) My brother permits Nada supervised visits with his children. So everyone will make a different choice on the issue, and all choices are ok. And you might decide now to go permanent NC then change your mind a few months later, then go back ultimate,y to NC. That is ok too. There is unfortunately no rule book for how to deal with these people and situations so we are all just winging it. Whatever you decide over the long term I hope you have compassion for yourself in the process, it is not easy to make these decisions and you are doing the best you can for yourself and your children with the cards you were dealt! > > > ** > > > > > > I'm a little depressed this evening. To recap, I found out about BPD after > > my nada went off on me about how I don't meet her needs and she needs me to > > show her more love last July. I stopped talking to her, found BPD and have > > only conversed via e-mail since then. I finally broke down and e-mailed > > that her verbal abuse has got to stop or we can no longer have a > > relationship. I would have just stopped talking to her years ago except > > that I have 3 kids that enjoy going over to grandma's house. This group and > > reading the books helped me see that handing my children over to her when > > she has been so verbally and emotionally abusive to me was insane so I told > > her if she wants to see the kids she has to come to group events like > > sports games the kids are in. She refused to come because she felt > > uncomfortable since I was upset with her. So, after calmly and using very > > non-aggressive wording in my e-mails she finds out that I changed my cell > > phone number and didn't give it to her (Hello! We've only exchanged e-mails > > for 3 months!) and sent me a nasty " you hate me " " don't you remember your > > wonderful childhood " (I'm 37!) etc. etc. etc. > > > > It has confirmed the BPD for me since she is undiagnosed. She has not made > > any attempt to say she wanted to work on whatever was bothering me. She did > > make blanket apologies for " whatever happened you're so upset about " but > > clearly doesn't get which words are not appropriate like " your love costs > > me too much! " > > > > Anyway - I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her on my new cell just in > > case the flying monkeys gave her the number and am moving next week and she > > doesn't have my address. I will refuse to even read her e-mails if any more > > come through. However, I question whether I'm shutting her out because I > > just don't have to have disrespectful people in my life or because as the > > scared little girl inside I am hiding from her wrath. > > > > It seems to me most of you who have nadas go no contact at least off and > > on if not permanently. Once you know they have BPD and stop placating and > > trying to appease them there seems to be very little possibility of > > maintaining a relationship. I really don't see how to get from no contact > > and her being really angry about " my treatment of her " to it not being a > > lifetime of her pointing back to the point in time and reminding me of how > > horrible I was to take her grandchildren away from her for the holidays > > etc. > > > > Do you think that I just need to grieve my nada and schizoid father and > > pretend they are dead and not look back just so I don't have to worry about > > what the reunion might look like? Or suck it up and give her a chance next > > spring to have limited visits with the grandkids (supervised at my house) > > so my kids can see I tried my best instead of running away from my parents? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 13, 2012 Report Share Posted October 13, 2012 Bottom line is you have to do what is going to work for you and your children. Having children who already know grandma complicates the situation you are in. You will never win with her, that is an impossible feat. So search yourself about what you can handle contact wise that will not cause you more guilt or duress. Then negotiate from there with your children. In my case, maintaining a balance meant my 2 children have different access to grandma. As they have grown and changed, the contact has changed as well. They are both adults now: my DD remains in contact with grandma and keeps it light; my son almost won't have anything to do with grandma and hardly talks to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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