Really??? We are doing this again?

[Guest guest]

It seems like Nada knows when I am starting to relax and get comfortable in LC.

Case in point, the text I got this am. You may remember our blow up over

Memorial Day and then my subsequent acquisition of a fantastic T who convinced

me that I was not the crazy one and enlightened me to my nada's likely BPD/HPD

diagnosis. Anyway...Here is the text. I know what I WANT to say in my

response, but not even sure I should respond. I would very much appreciate any

thoughts you all might have.

Her completely out of nowhere text to me this am: [my thoughts in brackets]

" So I'm Christmas catalog shopping [always with the gifts, this one...Makes me

crazy!!] and I'm wondering where we stand [One of my boundaries is that she not

give me ANYTHING. I won't even let her pay for lunch. She is aware of this

boundary.] Everyone I know says to leave you alone; to just give you some time

But since you have no responded to my Thanksgiving invite [that she sent me a

full two months before TG...And we haven't made our family's plans yet, but they

will likely include getting the HELL out of town and away from her. No doubt

inciting a war, but whatever...But I haven't found the right way to tell her

this, so I ignored the invite] I have become less than optimistic. We had a big

fight [that I have repeatedly apologized for pre-BPD discovery and have since

indicated that it is a non-issue and expressed my desire to not speak of it

again.] I think you are rude. You think I am unreasonable. Neither opinion is

likely to change. However, as you pointed out, love means accepting people,

warts and all. [How funny is it that a Queen/Witch would choose this particular

analogy?!]. I don't hate anyone, btw, and especially not you. [Who is hating?!

Where is this coming from????] Can you imagine a world in which you hate your

son? [um, no. But then again, I can't imagine one in which I'd treat him the

way you treat me sometimes.] The bottom line is, we are a family, and we need

to move forward somehow. Forgive and forget? [This last part just kills me!

Forgive? Forget? Who exactly are you suggesting do the forgiving and

forgetting? Because if I'm the one who is supposed to forgive and forget, that

must imply YOU have done something to warrant those items. And I'm SURE you

didn't mean to say that....]

What I'd really like to say:

Mom, I'm really glad that you are talking your issues out, but I have two things

to say: Those people you are talking to have ZERO context in which to give you

advice about OUR relationship. They haven't been a party to it. The only

person who is qualified to weigh in is a qualified mental health professional.

The other thing is this: I AM NOT IN A FIGHT WITH YOU!!! I've explained that

over and over again. I have decided to put my focus on my relationships with my

husband and children instead of the ones within my family of origin. The same

mental health professional can help you adjust to this new reality.

Of course, I'm really at a loss with how to respond. It's lose-lose. Ugh!!!

[Guest guest]

Of course you have to choose whatever response resonates the most with your

needs, your history with your nada and the current state of your relationship

with her, and what your " Low Contact " rules are.

But if this was me, would either not respond at all, or I'd respond with a

brief note, something like: " Hi mom, I believe we have already settled this

question: we're not going to be exchanging gifts this year. Talk to you next

week. "

I would simply not respond at all to her other comments.

Just because your nada brings up a subject, or just because she tries to badger

you into a debate about your feelings, needs, boundaries, etc., does not mean

that you have to respond. You are NOT obligated to justify, argue, defend or

explain any of your decisions to her. Its OK to ignore her. Sometimes, the

only way to " win " is to not play.

If your nada persists in poking and prodding you or laying on guilt in order to

get you to respond, you have the right to say something along the lines of,

" That subject is not on the table for discussion, mother. Is there anything

else you want to talk with me about? No? Then there are lot of things I need

to be doing now; talk to you next week. " etc. If nada persists, you can be a

" broken record " and just repeat " I'm not discussing this with you, etc., " and

if she persists still, you can politely but firmly hang up.

Once you can get past the feeling of responsibility for managing your nada's

feelings for her and get past that inappropriate and misplaced guilt ( " ...I'm

being a BAD daughter... " )

it gets easier.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> It seems like Nada knows when I am starting to relax and get comfortable in

LC. Case in point, the text I got this am. You may remember our blow up over

Memorial Day and then my subsequent acquisition of a fantastic T who convinced

me that I was not the crazy one and enlightened me to my nada's likely BPD/HPD

diagnosis. Anyway...Here is the text. I know what I WANT to say in my

response, but not even sure I should respond. I would very much appreciate any

thoughts you all might have.

>

> Her completely out of nowhere text to me this am: [my thoughts in brackets]

>

> " So I'm Christmas catalog shopping [always with the gifts, this one...Makes me

crazy!!] and I'm wondering where we stand [One of my boundaries is that she not

give me ANYTHING. I won't even let her pay for lunch. She is aware of this

boundary.] Everyone I know says to leave you alone; to just give you some time

But since you have no responded to my Thanksgiving invite [that she sent me a

full two months before TG...And we haven't made our family's plans yet, but they

will likely include getting the HELL out of town and away from her. No doubt

inciting a war, but whatever...But I haven't found the right way to tell her

this, so I ignored the invite] I have become less than optimistic. We had a big

fight [that I have repeatedly apologized for pre-BPD discovery and have since

indicated that it is a non-issue and expressed my desire to not speak of it

again.] I think you are rude. You think I am unreasonable. Neither opinion is

likely to change. However, as you pointed out, love means accepting people,

warts and all. [How funny is it that a Queen/Witch would choose this particular

analogy?!]. I don't hate anyone, btw, and especially not you. [Who is hating?!

Where is this coming from????] Can you imagine a world in which you hate your

son? [um, no. But then again, I can't imagine one in which I'd treat him the

way you treat me sometimes.] The bottom line is, we are a family, and we need

to move forward somehow. Forgive and forget? [This last part just kills me!

Forgive? Forget? Who exactly are you suggesting do the forgiving and

forgetting? Because if I'm the one who is supposed to forgive and forget, that

must imply YOU have done something to warrant those items. And I'm SURE you

didn't mean to say that....]

>

>

> What I'd really like to say:

> Mom, I'm really glad that you are talking your issues out, but I have two

things to say: Those people you are talking to have ZERO context in which to

give you advice about OUR relationship. They haven't been a party to it. The

only person who is qualified to weigh in is a qualified mental health

professional. The other thing is this: I AM NOT IN A FIGHT WITH YOU!!! I've

explained that over and over again. I have decided to put my focus on my

relationships with my husband and children instead of the ones within my family

of origin. The same mental health professional can help you adjust to this new

reality.

>

>

> Of course, I'm really at a loss with how to respond. It's lose-lose. Ugh!!!

>

[Guest guest]

I wouldn't respond. It's a trap. She's baiting you. Any response and she

wins.

On Sun, Oct 14, 2012 at 8:12 PM, thenogoodchild

stpmomspeechbbl@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> It seems like Nada knows when I am starting to relax and get comfortable

> in LC. Case in point, the text I got this am. You may remember our blow up

> over Memorial Day and then my subsequent acquisition of a fantastic T who

> convinced me that I was not the crazy one and enlightened me to my nada's

> likely BPD/HPD diagnosis. Anyway...Here is the text. I know what I WANT to

> say in my response, but not even sure I should respond. I would very much

> appreciate any thoughts you all might have.

>

> Her completely out of nowhere text to me this am: [my thoughts in brackets]

>

> " So I'm Christmas catalog shopping [always with the gifts, this

> one...Makes me crazy!!] and I'm wondering where we stand [One of my

> boundaries is that she not give me ANYTHING. I won't even let her pay for

> lunch. She is aware of this boundary.] Everyone I know says to leave you

> alone; to just give you some time But since you have no responded to my

> Thanksgiving invite [that she sent me a full two months before TG...And we

> haven't made our family's plans yet, but they will likely include getting

> the HELL out of town and away from her. No doubt inciting a war, but

> whatever...But I haven't found the right way to tell her this, so I ignored

> the invite] I have become less than optimistic. We had a big fight [that I

> have repeatedly apologized for pre-BPD discovery and have since indicated

> that it is a non-issue and expressed my desire to not speak of it again.] I

> think you are rude. You think I am unreasonable. Neither opinion is likely

> to change. However, as you pointed out, love means accepting people, warts

> and all. [How funny is it that a Queen/Witch would choose this particular

> analogy?!]. I don't hate anyone, btw, and especially not you. [Who is

> hating?! Where is this coming from????] Can you imagine a world in which

> you hate your son? [um, no. But then again, I can't imagine one in which

> I'd treat him the way you treat me sometimes.] The bottom line is, we are a

> family, and we need to move forward somehow. Forgive and forget? [This last

> part just kills me! Forgive? Forget? Who exactly are you suggesting do the

> forgiving and forgetting? Because if I'm the one who is supposed to forgive

> and forget, that must imply YOU have done something to warrant those items.

> And I'm SURE you didn't mean to say that....]

>

> What I'd really like to say:

> Mom, I'm really glad that you are talking your issues out, but I have two

> things to say: Those people you are talking to have ZERO context in which

> to give you advice about OUR relationship. They haven't been a party to it.

> The only person who is qualified to weigh in is a qualified mental health

> professional. The other thing is this: I AM NOT IN A FIGHT WITH YOU!!! I've

> explained that over and over again. I have decided to put my focus on my

> relationships with my husband and children instead of the ones within my

> family of origin. The same mental health professional can help you adjust

> to this new reality.

>

> Of course, I'm really at a loss with how to respond. It's lose-lose. Ugh!!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful responses. Of course I've been

obsessing over this text since I got it yesterday morning. But I told myself I

would wait a full 24 hours to respond...Let my emotions run their course, I

suppose. But more because I want to set the precedent with her that if she

touches a touchy subject, she will not get an immediate response. I weighed

responding vs. non-responding and finally decided to respond. This is what I

sent:

Hi Mom,

I don't hate you. I don't think you hate me. I didn't respond about

Thanksgiving because I don't know our plans yet. I still don't, but will let

you know something when I do. Re: the " fight " you referenced: I will not be

discussing this further now, or at any point in the future. It has been

repeatedly settled and any further attempts to discuss it will be ignored. I

love you, and if there is anything else, I am all ears.

And her response???? " Why don't you visit anymore " .

%&(#^***!!!!!! Arg! Successful dodge, right into another quicksand pit!! Why

don't I visit...Well, the last time I visited, you verbally shredded my insides

and put them on display like a trophy in front of my children. Not the first

time this has happened....And well, frankly, my visits to your house have always

caused me a great deal of anxiety, but I came over because I knew it made you

happy. And I've spent my whole like trying to make you happy. Well guess

what...Those days are over. I don't care about keeping anyone happy but me.

Coming to your home makes me quite the opposite of happy so I'm not coming back

anytime soon. Possibly never. That's what I'd really like to say. Obviously,

it would be to no avail and cause more problems than solutions. But I do feel

like I should say something, since I feel like this question is what she really

wanted to talk about, not the " fight " . It's the truth that I have a four

incredibly active children and a job that keeps me on the road a lot. When I do

have the opportunity to be at home, which isn't all that often, I like to just

be at home. I know she thinks I'm " punishing " her by staying away. That's

simply not it. I'm not visiting because it's not pleasant. Bottom line.

>

> It seems like Nada knows when I am starting to relax and get comfortable in

LC. Case in point, the text I got this am. You may remember our blow up over

Memorial Day and then my subsequent acquisition of a fantastic T who convinced

me that I was not the crazy one and enlightened me to my nada's likely BPD/HPD

diagnosis. Anyway...Here is the text. I know what I WANT to say in my

response, but not even sure I should respond. I would very much appreciate any

thoughts you all might have.

>

> Her completely out of nowhere text to me this am: [my thoughts in brackets]

>

> " So I'm Christmas catalog shopping [always with the gifts, this one...Makes me

crazy!!] and I'm wondering where we stand [One of my boundaries is that she not

give me ANYTHING. I won't even let her pay for lunch. She is aware of this

boundary.] Everyone I know says to leave you alone; to just give you some time

But since you have no responded to my Thanksgiving invite [that she sent me a

full two months before TG...And we haven't made our family's plans yet, but they

will likely include getting the HELL out of town and away from her. No doubt

inciting a war, but whatever...But I haven't found the right way to tell her

this, so I ignored the invite] I have become less than optimistic. We had a big

fight [that I have repeatedly apologized for pre-BPD discovery and have since

indicated that it is a non-issue and expressed my desire to not speak of it

again.] I think you are rude. You think I am unreasonable. Neither opinion is

likely to change. However, as you pointed out, love means accepting people,

warts and all. [How funny is it that a Queen/Witch would choose this particular

analogy?!]. I don't hate anyone, btw, and especially not you. [Who is hating?!

Where is this coming from????] Can you imagine a world in which you hate your

son? [um, no. But then again, I can't imagine one in which I'd treat him the

way you treat me sometimes.] The bottom line is, we are a family, and we need

to move forward somehow. Forgive and forget? [This last part just kills me!

Forgive? Forget? Who exactly are you suggesting do the forgiving and

forgetting? Because if I'm the one who is supposed to forgive and forget, that

must imply YOU have done something to warrant those items. And I'm SURE you

didn't mean to say that....]

>

>

> What I'd really like to say:

> Mom, I'm really glad that you are talking your issues out, but I have two

things to say: Those people you are talking to have ZERO context in which to

give you advice about OUR relationship. They haven't been a party to it. The

only person who is qualified to weigh in is a qualified mental health

professional. The other thing is this: I AM NOT IN A FIGHT WITH YOU!!! I've

explained that over and over again. I have decided to put my focus on my

relationships with my husband and children instead of the ones within my family

of origin. The same mental health professional can help you adjust to this new

reality.

>

>

> Of course, I'm really at a loss with how to respond. It's lose-lose. Ugh!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Engage her and she wins. Just my opinion.

On Mon, Oct 15, 2012 at 12:42 PM, thenogoodchild

stpmomspeechbbl@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

>

>

> Thank you both so much for your thoughtful responses. Of course I've been

> obsessing over this text since I got it yesterday morning. But I told

> myself I would wait a full 24 hours to respond...Let my emotions run their

> course, I suppose. But more because I want to set the precedent with her

> that if she touches a touchy subject, she will not get an immediate

> response. I weighed responding vs. non-responding and finally decided to

> respond. This is what I sent:

>

> Hi Mom,

> I don't hate you. I don't think you hate me. I didn't respond about

> Thanksgiving because I don't know our plans yet. I still don't, but will

> let you know something when I do. Re: the " fight " you referenced: I will

> not be discussing this further now, or at any point in the future. It has

> been repeatedly settled and any further attempts to discuss it will be

> ignored. I love you, and if there is anything else, I am all ears.

>

> And her response???? " Why don't you visit anymore " .

>

> %&(#^***!!!!!! Arg! Successful dodge, right into another quicksand pit!!

> Why don't I visit...Well, the last time I visited, you verbally shredded my

> insides and put them on display like a trophy in front of my children. Not

> the first time this has happened....And well, frankly, my visits to your

> house have always caused me a great deal of anxiety, but I came over

> because I knew it made you happy. And I've spent my whole like trying to

> make you happy. Well guess what...Those days are over. I don't care about

> keeping anyone happy but me. Coming to your home makes me quite the

> opposite of happy so I'm not coming back anytime soon. Possibly never.

> That's what I'd really like to say. Obviously, it would be to no avail and

> cause more problems than solutions. But I do feel like I should say

> something, since I feel like this question is what she really wanted to

> talk about, not the " fight " . It's the truth that I have a four incredibly

> active children and a job that keeps me on the road a lot. When I do have

> the opportunity to be at home, which isn't all that often, I like to just

> be at home. I know she thinks I'm " punishing " her by staying away. That's

> simply not it. I'm not visiting because it's not pleasant. Bottom line.

>

>

> >

> > It seems like Nada knows when I am starting to relax and get comfortable

> in LC. Case in point, the text I got this am. You may remember our blow up

> over Memorial Day and then my subsequent acquisition of a fantastic T who

> convinced me that I was not the crazy one and enlightened me to my nada's

> likely BPD/HPD diagnosis. Anyway...Here is the text. I know what I WANT to

> say in my response, but not even sure I should respond. I would very much

> appreciate any thoughts you all might have.

> >

> > Her completely out of nowhere text to me this am: [my thoughts in

> brackets]

> >

> > " So I'm Christmas catalog shopping [always with the gifts, this

> one...Makes me crazy!!] and I'm wondering where we stand [One of my

> boundaries is that she not give me ANYTHING. I won't even let her pay for

> lunch. She is aware of this boundary.] Everyone I know says to leave you

> alone; to just give you some time But since you have no responded to my

> Thanksgiving invite [that she sent me a full two months before TG...And we

> haven't made our family's plans yet, but they will likely include getting

> the HELL out of town and away from her. No doubt inciting a war, but

> whatever...But I haven't found the right way to tell her this, so I ignored

> the invite] I have become less than optimistic. We had a big fight [that I

> have repeatedly apologized for pre-BPD discovery and have since indicated

> that it is a non-issue and expressed my desire to not speak of it again.] I

> think you are rude. You think I am unreasonable. Neither opinion is likely

> to change. However, as you pointed out, love means accepting people, warts

> and all. [How funny is it that a Queen/Witch would choose this particular

> analogy?!]. I don't hate anyone, btw, and especially not you. [Who is

> hating?! Where is this coming from????] Can you imagine a world in which

> you hate your son? [um, no. But then again, I can't imagine one in which

> I'd treat him the way you treat me sometimes.] The bottom line is, we are a

> family, and we need to move forward somehow. Forgive and forget? [This last

> part just kills me! Forgive? Forget? Who exactly are you suggesting do the

> forgiving and forgetting? Because if I'm the one who is supposed to forgive

> and forget, that must imply YOU have done something to warrant those items.

> And I'm SURE you didn't mean to say that....]

> >

> >

> > What I'd really like to say:

> > Mom, I'm really glad that you are talking your issues out, but I have

> two things to say: Those people you are talking to have ZERO context in

> which to give you advice about OUR relationship. They haven't been a party

> to it. The only person who is qualified to weigh in is a qualified mental

> health professional. The other thing is this: I AM NOT IN A FIGHT WITH

> YOU!!! I've explained that over and over again. I have decided to put my

> focus on my relationships with my husband and children instead of the ones

> within my family of origin. The same mental health professional can help

> you adjust to this new reality.

> >

> >

> > Of course, I'm really at a loss with how to respond. It's lose-lose.

> Ugh!!!

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

From my own experience, the BPD (Dad) always has to have the last word. Your

first response didn't give your Nada anything to grab hold of to go at you with,

so she moved on to another topic likely to bait you.

I agree with Millicent - as long as you keep responding to these texts, she'll

keep sending them. There will never be a time when she just goes, " Oh. Okay

then. " and move on. If you've explained to her previously that you're limiting

contact, then she already " knows " the answer to her question. You don't need to

respond.

If you feel like you must, keep it honest, brief, and to-the-point.

Just my thoughts - drama like this is awful to deal with!

> > >

> > > It seems like Nada knows when I am starting to relax and get comfortable

> > in LC. Case in point, the text I got this am. You may remember our blow up

> > over Memorial Day and then my subsequent acquisition of a fantastic T who

> > convinced me that I was not the crazy one and enlightened me to my nada's

> > likely BPD/HPD diagnosis. Anyway...Here is the text. I know what I WANT to

> > say in my response, but not even sure I should respond. I would very much

> > appreciate any thoughts you all might have.

> > >

> > > Her completely out of nowhere text to me this am: [my thoughts in

> > brackets]

> > >

> > > " So I'm Christmas catalog shopping [always with the gifts, this

> > one...Makes me crazy!!] and I'm wondering where we stand [One of my

> > boundaries is that she not give me ANYTHING. I won't even let her pay for

> > lunch. She is aware of this boundary.] Everyone I know says to leave you

> > alone; to just give you some time But since you have no responded to my

> > Thanksgiving invite [that she sent me a full two months before TG...And we

> > haven't made our family's plans yet, but they will likely include getting

> > the HELL out of town and away from her. No doubt inciting a war, but

> > whatever...But I haven't found the right way to tell her this, so I ignored

> > the invite] I have become less than optimistic. We had a big fight [that I

> > have repeatedly apologized for pre-BPD discovery and have since indicated

> > that it is a non-issue and expressed my desire to not speak of it again.] I

> > think you are rude. You think I am unreasonable. Neither opinion is likely

> > to change. However, as you pointed out, love means accepting people, warts

> > and all. [How funny is it that a Queen/Witch would choose this particular

> > analogy?!]. I don't hate anyone, btw, and especially not you. [Who is

> > hating?! Where is this coming from????] Can you imagine a world in which

> > you hate your son? [um, no. But then again, I can't imagine one in which

> > I'd treat him the way you treat me sometimes.] The bottom line is, we are a

> > family, and we need to move forward somehow. Forgive and forget? [This last

> > part just kills me! Forgive? Forget? Who exactly are you suggesting do the

> > forgiving and forgetting? Because if I'm the one who is supposed to forgive

> > and forget, that must imply YOU have done something to warrant those items.

> > And I'm SURE you didn't mean to say that....]

> > >

> > >

> > > What I'd really like to say:

> > > Mom, I'm really glad that you are talking your issues out, but I have

> > two things to say: Those people you are talking to have ZERO context in

> > which to give you advice about OUR relationship. They haven't been a party

> > to it. The only person who is qualified to weigh in is a qualified mental

> > health professional. The other thing is this: I AM NOT IN A FIGHT WITH

> > YOU!!! I've explained that over and over again. I have decided to put my

> > focus on my relationships with my husband and children instead of the ones

> > within my family of origin. The same mental health professional can help

> > you adjust to this new reality.

> > >

> > >

> > > Of course, I'm really at a loss with how to respond. It's lose-lose.

> > Ugh!!!

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>