Re: She is pulling out all the stops now and I am 37.5 weeks pregnant.

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy,

First, how wonderful for you and your husband! Congrats on your impending new

arrival!

I agree with you; right now its not only OK but *important* for you to avoid the

extra stress of being " besieged " and harassed by your bpd mother.

In that light, its perfectly OK for you to ask your husband and/or your sister

to help you stay as calm and stress-free as possible RE your mother's

persistent, frantic badgering.

My suggestion is to say something to bpd mom like:

" Mom, I understand that you love me and want to be helpful to me. Right now,

the way you can help me most is to let me have as much alone-time as possible.

I need peace, and I need quiet. I need to nap a lot. So you can help me with

this by not calling here.

I've asked my husband to phone you for me and give you an update once a day, so

you will know how things are going.

Just so you know, I've already made arrangements to have a nurse here for a

while. She's with me now and will stay for a few weeks after the baby and I

come home, so, that's all taken care of.

My husband and I will let you know when the baby and I are ready to start seeing

people; I'm guessing that will be about three weeks or so after the birth, but

my husband will keep you in the loop and let you know.

I appreciate you wanting to help, and this is the way you can help me the most;

please ask our relatives and family friends to let me have this quiet time so I

can rest, keep my blood pressure stable, and preserve my strength. You'll have

to be very patient, and I know that's hard, but its truly the best way you can

help me. For a while, you'll be hearing about how things are going with us,

from my husband. Thanks for being so understanding, I truly appreciate it. "

You are not asking her, you're telling her. You are not arguing with her,

defending your decision, or justifying your decision, you are just being kind

and keeping her informed of your decision. If your mother reacts badly and

wants to argue with you about it, then its OK to cut the call short politely but

firmly.

Then if your mother ignores your decision and continues to phone you or if she

continues to attempt to show up at your home without an invitation, or if she

continues to get other people to call you, etc., you can do things like:

block her number,

put your phone on silent/no ring and let ALL calls go to voice-mail (and save

the return calls for your husband to make when he gets home,)

get a second, private number and/or cel phone for just you and your husband and

your doctor, that your bpd mother doesn't know about,

forward all incoming calls to your husband's cel phone or work phone number.

You might consider hiring a temporary nurse / care-giver to be there in your

home with you whenever your husband isn't there, to act as your protector /

bodyguard and answer the door for you.

Or, another idea is to relocate yourself to a nearby hotel or motel for the next

couple of weeks.

If your husband (or your sister) is willing and able, let him be your " personal

assistant " for a while; his job would be to phone your mother once a day and let

her know that you are fine but that you still need the peace and quiet.

Keep reminding yourself that you are NOT responsible for your mother's feelings.

She is an adult and is responsible for managing her own feelings.

Keep reminding yourself that you are NOT your mother's " mommy " : its NOT your job

to keep her happy and entertained and feeling like the center of the universe.

Right now, in this moment, YOUR well-being and the well-being of your unborn

baby are THE top priority, period, end of sentence.

If you can, please unburden yourself from any of those misplaced, inappropriate

feelings of guilt for putting your own needs and your baby's needs first.

Yes, it is OK to ask for help from your husband and/or from your sister at this

time RE " nada wrangling " .

You can handle the " fallout " of setting these boundaries with your bpd mother if

and when there is " fallout. " But you can choose to handle it later, after

everything is back to normal and you and your new little one are settled into

your home routine.

You are NOT responsible for any misbehaviors or bad reactions on your mother's

part to being given reasonable adult boundaries; that is on her head as well.

I hope that helps.

All my best wishes to you and yours.

-Annie

>

> I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any kind

of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my own

therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

>

> My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother is

doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional arsenal to

try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my first, and I am 38 years old, and

I am having a high-risk pregnancy. I am quite stressed out right now. My mom

shifts her attention from one person to another in our family (those who have

limited contact with her), and she has been laser-focused on me for about the

last 4 weeks. I know she has been in a particularly 'acute' state since June of

this year.

>

> She is basically using every tool she can to penetrate any kind of boundary I

put up and as much as I try to not take it personally, she is really using some

difficult emotional weaponry, including the death of my father four years ago.

Of course I am a wicked and terrible daughter in her eyes. In truth, I am

hormonal, and I am vulnerable. I know that only I can enforce my boundary but

it's so hard. I am so tired. I am very sad now to sort of realize new ways in

which I am 'missing out'. (It would be nice if people would stop asking me if my

mom is going to come and help me out with the baby. I'm trying to figure out how

to protect the baby from her disorder.)

>

> This is obviously an immediate problem for me I can't put off and I need some

advice. I think that what I've got to do is cut her off completely at this time

for the sake of my own health and for this baby. However, I have seen how this

unfolds with her before from how it has fallen apart with other people, and I

know that it will result in a lot of calls, attempted visits, emails, calls to

my siblings, and guilt-shaming, and that is all going to unfold during the next

two to four weeks.

>

> As usual, her BPD timing is impeccable. I'm sure it's deliberate and that my

vulnerability is a kind of opportunity in her sick mind to try to 'get inside'

again.

>

> What I need are your thoughts on the words to say if my goal is limited

contact in the future, but no contact in the current context. i.e. The current

behaviour has to stop, but in the long term limited contact is what to expect.

Do you have any ideas about how to put that to a BPD in a state of extreme

acting-out?

>

> Also, what are your thoughts about asking my husband and sister (who both

understand what BPD is and that my mother has it) to help me erect a firmer

boundary? I am worried that will just spin this into a bigger event and that she

will turn her wrath upon them too.

>

> I will definitely be talking to my psychiatrist about this at my appointment

on the 18th of October but your voices of experience would be something I would

really welcome right now.

>

> Thank you in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

BPD mother go batshit when we are pregnant. Or with any changes, weddings,

vacations, family visits, etc.

The sad part is, when we are pregnant, this is the time we generally need our

mother's again in adulthood--and ours become both unavailable and dangerous to

our piece of mind.

Take care of yourself and your baby, & run away from the crazy. If she can't get

with the program, then she has to be avoided.

>

> I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any kind

of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my own

therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

>

> My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother is

doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional arsenal to

try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my

[Guest guest]

Well, yes, please do go totally NC. If she's this bad now, huh, you probably

" ain't seen nothin' yet " compared to how bad she will be once you deliver this

baby. This is a really good time for your husband to get very active totally

protecting you and your child. You need and deserve protection, and so does your

new baby.

(I could relate horror stories from my own experience, but that would not be

fair to you at this point; you need to rest and relax.)

> > >

> > > I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any

> > kind of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my

> > own therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

> > >

> > > My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother

> > is doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional

> > arsenal to try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have not yet had a child, but am certainly ALREADY getting hit with tons of

FOG about my future potential child. I can only imagine the kind of Hell and

stress you are going through right now.

First of all, congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy!! I hope your

labour is short, and your sleeps are long!

When I read your story, my first thought was, definitely go NC. Her behaviors

are not fair to you, your husband, or your baby. When it comes to

grandchildren, my understanding is that BPDs are posessive and demanding, as

well as critical. So basically you seem to have to options here, 1- Continue to

try to mitigate her behaviors with the help of your family, and she will feel

you are treating her poorly, and that you are a terrible daughter for not

including her more in YOUR birthing/pregnancy; or 2- GO NC, and she will feel

you are treating her poorly and that you are a terrible daughter for not

including her more in YOUR birthing/pregnancy. At least in option 2, the only

energy you are spending on her is the energy it takes to not remind yourself not

to feel guilty, and not to answer that damn phone.

You have a right to an enjoyable and restful pregnancy. You have a right to be

thinking about you, your husband and your child, and NOT your mom. You have a

right to exclude people who put undue stress on you from your life at any time.

Chances are good that she will not understand your boundaries, and be outraged

by them, so prepare yourself and your husband & sister for this. I agree with

your thought to include them in your plans, but I would simply ask that they

support you by not telling mom details and information about you that are

private when she launches an attack via your loved ones.

It is completely up to you whether you decide to simply stop answering the

phone, or have a SHORT and pointed conversation with her letting her know A)

What is happening and When she can expect to hear from you again.

Good luck with everything! If you feel up to it, please let us know what your

psychiatrist says.

Take care,

Jets

>

> I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any kind

of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my own

therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

>

> My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother is

doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional arsenal to

try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my first, and I am 38 years old, and

I am having a high-risk pregnancy. I am quite stressed out right now. My mom

shifts her attention from one person to another in our family (those who have

limited contact with her), and she has been laser-focused on me for about the

last 4 weeks. I know she has been in a particularly 'acute' state since June of

this year.

>

> She is basically using every tool she can to penetrate any kind of boundary I

put up and as much as I try to not take it personally, she is really using some

difficult emotional weaponry, including the death of my father four years ago.

Of course I am a wicked and terrible daughter in her eyes. In truth, I am

hormonal, and I am vulnerable. I know that only I can enforce my boundary but

it's so hard. I am so tired. I am very sad now to sort of realize new ways in

which I am 'missing out'. (It would be nice if people would stop asking me if my

mom is going to come and help me out with the baby. I'm trying to figure out how

to protect the baby from her disorder.)

>

> This is obviously an immediate problem for me I can't put off and I need some

advice. I think that what I've got to do is cut her off completely at this time

for the sake of my own health and for this baby. However, I have seen how this

unfolds with her before from how it has fallen apart with other people, and I

know that it will result in a lot of calls, attempted visits, emails, calls to

my siblings, and guilt-shaming, and that is all going to unfold during the next

two to four weeks.

>

> As usual, her BPD timing is impeccable. I'm sure it's deliberate and that my

vulnerability is a kind of opportunity in her sick mind to try to 'get inside'

again.

>

> What I need are your thoughts on the words to say if my goal is limited

contact in the future, but no contact in the current context. i.e. The current

behaviour has to stop, but in the long term limited contact is what to expect.

Do you have any ideas about how to put that to a BPD in a state of extreme

acting-out?

>

> Also, what are your thoughts about asking my husband and sister (who both

understand what BPD is and that my mother has it) to help me erect a firmer

boundary? I am worried that will just spin this into a bigger event and that she

will turn her wrath upon them too.

>

> I will definitely be talking to my psychiatrist about this at my appointment

on the 18th of October but your voices of experience would be something I would

really welcome right now.

>

> Thank you in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Amy,

Best wishes to you for a healthy baby! Your first priority is to your and your

child's health. I think Annie's post was spot on.

In your post you mention your mother's BPD timing, it is probably due to the

attention you are receiving regarding your pregnancy as it takes the attention

away from her. But if she is an involved grandmother/mother she receives

attention and has legitimate stories to share. The problem is her involvement

is not healthy for yo, or your baby, and has to be limited.

When other people call you at the behest of your mother, thank them for their

concern and tell them you are getting the rest you need in order to have a

healthy baby. You will be sure to send them a birth announcement. Say good bye

warmly and nicely and hang up. You owe them no explanation. Don't engage in

any discussions that are unhealthy for you.

Take good care,

MyReality

>

> I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any kind

of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my own

therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

>

> My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother is

doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional arsenal to

try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my first, and I am 38 years old, and

I am having a high-risk pregnancy. I am quite stressed out right now. My mom

shifts her attention from one person to another in our family (those who have

limited contact with her), and she has been laser-focused on me for about the

last 4 weeks. I know she has been in a particularly 'acute' state since June of

this year.

>

> She is basically using every tool she can to penetrate any kind of boundary I

put up and as much as I try to not take it personally, she is really using some

difficult emotional weaponry, including the death of my father four years ago.

Of course I am a wicked and terrible daughter in her eyes. In truth, I am

hormonal, and I am vulnerable. I know that only I can enforce my boundary but

it's so hard. I am so tired. I am very sad now to sort of realize new ways in

which I am 'missing out'. (It would be nice if people would stop asking me if my

mom is going to come and help me out with the baby. I'm trying to figure out how

to protect the baby from her disorder.)

>

> This is obviously an immediate problem for me I can't put off and I need some

advice. I think that what I've got to do is cut her off completely at this time

for the sake of my own health and for this baby. However, I have seen how this

unfolds with her before from how it has fallen apart with other people, and I

know that it will result in a lot of calls, attempted visits, emails, calls to

my siblings, and guilt-shaming, and that is all going to unfold during the next

two to four weeks.

>

> As usual, her BPD timing is impeccable. I'm sure it's deliberate and that my

vulnerability is a kind of opportunity in her sick mind to try to 'get inside'

again.

>

> What I need are your thoughts on the words to say if my goal is limited

contact in the future, but no contact in the current context. i.e. The current

behaviour has to stop, but in the long term limited contact is what to expect.

Do you have any ideas about how to put that to a BPD in a state of extreme

acting-out?

>

> Also, what are your thoughts about asking my husband and sister (who both

understand what BPD is and that my mother has it) to help me erect a firmer

boundary? I am worried that will just spin this into a bigger event and that she

will turn her wrath upon them too.

>

> I will definitely be talking to my psychiatrist about this at my appointment

on the 18th of October but your voices of experience would be something I would

really welcome right now.

>

> Thank you in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

I've just had a baby and decided to go no contact with my nada at pretty much

the same time in your pregnancy as you are now, mainly due to a rage episode

which made me realise that I didn't want to experience that in my or my

children's lives ever again.

I informed her of my choice by text and email and had some texts and emails

back. She also turned up with her enabling husband a few times but I refused to

see him or let her in. It was all really well timed to stress me out and exploit

my vulnerability. I also had a high risk pregnancy with placenta praevia and

SPD, which was draining and needed a lot of support. When my nada realised how

vulnerable I was she begun to have her own intense tornado like episodes, as

well as basically raping all my boundaries, and exploiting my older child in

this as well.

In the end the no contact has been mostly successfull (it's been almost two

months now), I mainly believe due to the fact that I threatened with legal

action if she turned up and said I would have her arrested if she came near my

children.

It's been particularily difficult with all the hormones, post baby tirednes and

generally everyone asking if my mother is going to help etc.... So I've been

quite evasive with most people. My closest friends know the reality of it. I've

also enlisted my husband to stand guard which he was happy to do for me. My

older child also misses her and her idiot husband and I feel sorry that I ever

exposed myself to that situation.

She has been particularily active in drumming up support and presenting her case

to all the extended family, but I don't give a toss what they think anymore and

if they want to be with her that's their loss. Her husband was apparently

devastated that contact was cut off between him and my eldest child (as he had

been a kind of a substitute granddad) - but that again was his choice. My family

is incredibely fragmented and it saddens me greatly that it affects my children,

but being influenced by her would be a far greater handicap in life than having

a sparser family set at holiday gatherings. I will not expose them to the vile

sick perverted mentality and it's manifestations because life is difficult

enough without those experiences to make them feel like I feel now and felt when

I was growing up helpless and without protection from it.

So generally speaking my advice would be to not answer calls emails messages and

have her evicted / arrested / court injunction put in place, possibly change

address? You really have no obligation to ineract or explain yourself.

Good luck, congratulations on your pregnancy and getting all the way to 37

weeks. Spend your time thinking about your baby and you as a mother to it, don;t

waste any more energy on the nada.

>

> I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any kind

of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my own

therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

>

> My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother is

doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional arsenal to

try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my first, and I am 38 years old, and

I am having a high-risk pregnancy. I am quite stressed out right now. My mom

shifts her attention from one person to another in our family (those who have

limited contact with her), and she has been laser-focused on me for about the

last 4 weeks. I know she has been in a particularly 'acute' state since June of

this year.

>

> She is basically using every tool she can to penetrate any kind of boundary I

put up and as much as I try to not take it personally, she is really using some

difficult emotional weaponry, including the death of my father four years ago.

Of course I am a wicked and terrible daughter in her eyes. In truth, I am

hormonal, and I am vulnerable. I know that only I can enforce my boundary but

it's so hard. I am so tired. I am very sad now to sort of realize new ways in

which I am 'missing out'. (It would be nice if people would stop asking me if my

mom is going to come and help me out with the baby. I'm trying to figure out how

to protect the baby from her disorder.)

>

> This is obviously an immediate problem for me I can't put off and I need some

advice. I think that what I've got to do is cut her off completely at this time

for the sake of my own health and for this baby. However, I have seen how this

unfolds with her before from how it has fallen apart with other people, and I

know that it will result in a lot of calls, attempted visits, emails, calls to

my siblings, and guilt-shaming, and that is all going to unfold during the next

two to four weeks.

>

> As usual, her BPD timing is impeccable. I'm sure it's deliberate and that my

vulnerability is a kind of opportunity in her sick mind to try to 'get inside'

again.

>

> What I need are your thoughts on the words to say if my goal is limited

contact in the future, but no contact in the current context. i.e. The current

behaviour has to stop, but in the long term limited contact is what to expect.

Do you have any ideas about how to put that to a BPD in a state of extreme

acting-out?

>

> Also, what are your thoughts about asking my husband and sister (who both

understand what BPD is and that my mother has it) to help me erect a firmer

boundary? I am worried that will just spin this into a bigger event and that she

will turn her wrath upon them too.

>

> I will definitely be talking to my psychiatrist about this at my appointment

on the 18th of October but your voices of experience would be something I would

really welcome right now.

>

> Thank you in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sending extra positive wishes to you and your family and the new bundle of

joy on the way. Congratulations and I hope everything goes smoothly for you!

Remember, this is YOUR birth and YOUR family and regardless of what our nadas do

or say, they had their chance (with us) and are not entitled to our experiences.

My son was born a week ago today and my nada will be over tomorrow for her first

visit. I have endured countless emails regarding the birth as she was kept at a

distance for the first week to allow me time to recover. She is not healing for

me or my family so she had to be shut out for now. That's it. She isn't good

for us, I'm pretty sure she sees my husband (or my relationship with him) as a

threat, and like many bpd/npd, she gets weird when we do things that she didn't

expect simply b/c she sees all of us and our lives as an extension of her and

her experiences. We discuss very little about my children that isn't turned

back onto her and her experiences...which weren't great so there's always a good

dose of guilt/sadness dumped on me when she sighs and says, " ...must be nice for

you...*sigh*... " Yes, my life is nice, and it's my own creation and it is not a

reflection upon how lousy it was for her raising her children. What I'll never

understand is how she's never been able to look at my life and say " you are so

lucky and I'm proud of you. " I only wish my children to grow up, find someone

to love and to love them back, and to revel in that joy...wouldn't every mother

wish the same? I'll never understand how she sees it as a threat.

I have many mother-like figures in my life and I've come to realize that as a

daughter of a BPD mother I was never really parented by an adult and I've

therefore subconsciously (until recently) sought out women who I could trust and

love. Have you found that to be true in your life? It's hard, as women in a

birthing situation, because you sometimes just WANT your MOMMY and yet she

really can't provide the things you need. You must protect that little girl

inside of you that still craves that mommy. In moments of my deepest

confusion/sadness I've wrapped my arms around myself and said the things out

loud that I wished my mother could have said to me. I don't care how crazy it

sounds, it helps me.

As you know, boundaries are key here -- not just boundaries on the visits but

boundaries on your emotional health. Don't let her dictate your birth

experience. You have to shore up your emotional wall, as sucky as that is, and

focus your energy on your family. Remember, she has created this, not you! I'm

sending you extra positive vibes. I know what you're going through and if I

were there for you and a friend I'd love to stand up and say " I've got your

back. " Good luck with the birth. Deep breaths, trust your body, surround

yourself in love, let go of expectations. You've got this and I think you know

already that you'll be a wonderful mother! Stay in touch and contact us or me

if those first few weeks get a little dark (and they can!). Lots of new mom

love to you!

> >

> > I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any

kind of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my own

therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

> >

> > My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother is

doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional arsenal to

try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my first, and I am 38 years old, and

I am having a high-risk pregnancy. I am quite stressed out right now. My mom

shifts her attention from one person to another in our family (those who have

limited contact with her), and she has been laser-focused on me for about the

last 4 weeks. I know she has been in a particularly 'acute' state since June of

this year.

> >

> > She is basically using every tool she can to penetrate any kind of boundary

I put up and as much as I try to not take it personally, she is really using

some difficult emotional weaponry, including the death of my father four years

ago. Of course I am a wicked and terrible daughter in her eyes. In truth, I am

hormonal, and I am vulnerable. I know that only I can enforce my boundary but

it's so hard. I am so tired. I am very sad now to sort of realize new ways in

which I am 'missing out'. (It would be nice if people would stop asking me if my

mom is going to come and help me out with the baby. I'm trying to figure out how

to protect the baby from her disorder.)

> >

> > This is obviously an immediate problem for me I can't put off and I need

some advice. I think that what I've got to do is cut her off completely at this

time for the sake of my own health and for this baby. However, I have seen how

this unfolds with her before from how it has fallen apart with other people, and

I know that it will result in a lot of calls, attempted visits, emails, calls to

my siblings, and guilt-shaming, and that is all going to unfold during the next

two to four weeks.

> >

> > As usual, her BPD timing is impeccable. I'm sure it's deliberate and that my

vulnerability is a kind of opportunity in her sick mind to try to 'get inside'

again.

> >

> > What I need are your thoughts on the words to say if my goal is limited

contact in the future, but no contact in the current context. i.e. The current

behaviour has to stop, but in the long term limited contact is what to expect.

Do you have any ideas about how to put that to a BPD in a state of extreme

acting-out?

> >

> > Also, what are your thoughts about asking my husband and sister (who both

understand what BPD is and that my mother has it) to help me erect a firmer

boundary? I am worried that will just spin this into a bigger event and that she

will turn her wrath upon them too.

> >

> > I will definitely be talking to my psychiatrist about this at my appointment

on the 18th of October but your voices of experience would be something I would

really welcome right now.

> >

> > Thank you in advance.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wish I had known what I was dealing with when I was younger. I was pregnant

with my first child at 19 and my mother moved right in. I let her take complete

control of EVERYTHING. As my daughter got older my mother taught my daughter how

to be abusive to me. My daughter is 37.5 and just had another baby. When I was

reading your post beegirl, I thought we are in opposite positions. this older

daughter has lost her first two children. Now she has had this new one. I did

not want to be there. I did not want to know this new child. My daughter had

already started using the baby as a tool with me as she knows how close i am

with her child (my oldest grand son age 14). I could not take the abuse so I

have cut off contact. It has been a long long road for me as my youngest is

also bpdd. She also has had her children removed from her.

What ever you do monitor your childrens time with your BPD mothers. Its very

important. My daughters learned from my mom how to be mean and abusive. They

are not only mean and abusive to me but everyone that gets in to there life.

Its so sad. I wish I knew. I did not. I am 58 and have my own life. I do not

have my daughters, I do have my two grand children. The other grand children i

have let go.

If you can learn how to positively deal with this disorder to keep all the

hurtful things from hurting you so much do it. I am just now understanding the

damage my mom has done to me. The selfishness and self centeredness and child

like behavior is so hard to deal with. My mom has passed on. I am happy to say

because of my ignorance of what i was really dealing with I had a good

relationship with her. I got to take care of her and make her life happy. They

grow out of it sometimes as they age. I am not BPD I have depression. Who

would have guessed. I have a good educaiton and a great career. I make really

good money. I think growing up with the problems of dealing with my mom made me

stronger. then dealing with the girls. I have been told i am strong. Honestly

when I look back on it all it has been rough. i am surprised I have come out of

it as good as i have. i am realativly healthy, happy and enjoying life. It is

sad that there is no family life because of all the abuse. I really dont know

what to say. i think if i had not commumicated with my mom in the end I would

have felt terrible.

I think i had boudaries up with my mom and did not even know it. I stayed out of

her way when i got old enough to drive. I left home. Really never had a close

relationship with her. Then i had my daughter and went to college. She took

over completely and I let her. What i now have are two BPD drug addict

daughters. Its my own fault. Now I know.

Blessings to you and your new baby. How exciting. Enjoy!!!

Jean Ann

> > >

> > > I have only in the last year accepted my mother's BPD. She is not in any

kind of meaningful treatment. I came to understand her diagnosis through my own

therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist (who is excellent).

> > >

> > > My problem is that I am expecting a baby in two weeks and my BPD mother is

doing everything in her power and using every weapon in her emotional arsenal to

try to 'be part of this experience'. It is my first, and I am 38 years old, and

I am having a high-risk pregnancy. I am quite stressed out right now. My mom

shifts her attention from one person to another in our family (those who have

limited contact with her), and she has been laser-focused on me for about the

last 4 weeks. I know she has been in a particularly 'acute' state since June of

this year.

> > >

> > > She is basically using every tool she can to penetrate any kind of

boundary I put up and as much as I try to not take it personally, she is really

using some difficult emotional weaponry, including the death of my father four

years ago. Of course I am a wicked and terrible daughter in her eyes. In truth,

I am hormonal, and I am vulnerable. I know that only I can enforce my boundary

but it's so hard. I am so tired. I am very sad now to sort of realize new ways

in which I am 'missing out'. (It would be nice if people would stop asking me if

my mom is going to come and help me out with the baby. I'm trying to figure out

how to protect the baby from her disorder.)

> > >

> > > This is obviously an immediate problem for me I can't put off and I need

some advice. I think that what I've got to do is cut her off completely at this

time for the sake of my own health and for this baby. However, I have seen how

this unfolds with her before from how it has fallen apart with other people, and

I know that it will result in a lot of calls, attempted visits, emails, calls to

my siblings, and guilt-shaming, and that is all going to unfold during the next

two to four weeks.

> > >

> > > As usual, her BPD timing is impeccable. I'm sure it's deliberate and that

my vulnerability is a kind of opportunity in her sick mind to try to 'get

inside' again.

> > >

> > > What I need are your thoughts on the words to say if my goal is limited

contact in the future, but no contact in the current context. i.e. The current

behaviour has to stop, but in the long term limited contact is what to expect.

Do you have any ideas about how to put that to a BPD in a state of extreme

acting-out?

> > >

> > > Also, what are your thoughts about asking my husband and sister (who both

understand what BPD is and that my mother has it) to help me erect a firmer

boundary? I am worried that will just spin this into a bigger event and that she

will turn her wrath upon them too.

> > >

> > > I will definitely be talking to my psychiatrist about this at my

appointment on the 18th of October but your voices of experience would be

something I would really welcome right now.

> > >

> > > Thank you in advance.

> > >

> >

>