Introduction

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I'm 26 years old, and my father was just diagnosed with BPD. I just finished

reading the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " , which sent me to this site. I've

never really been in a group like this, either in rl or online, so I'm not sure

what to expect or how exactly to behave!

Growing up I always thought my family was normal - my dad was basically a good

man, but he'd get into these moods and the world would stop until he felt better

again. One of my most vivid memories of him is him screaming at me, his face a

mere 2 inches from mine, about how I was stupid and how could anyone be as

stupid as I was. I was twelve. Afterwards, and even now, it's like he doesn't

even know that it happened.

My mom was/is an enabler - she would do whatever she could to make my dad calm

down. Often I think that made it worse. For as long as I can remember, I've

been doing whatever I can to protect my younger brother and do whatever I could

to prevent my dad's explosions.

I read in the Eggshell's book that that is a common response for non-BPD

children or parents with BPD. I also read that another common result is the

increased difficulty in developing meaningful relationships. That hit home with

me - besides my husband I don't really have any close friends. I don't think I

know how to move relationships past the acquaintance stage.

Thankfully, I have been out of the house for several years now, and am very

happily married to a man whose childhood seems like it was positively idyllic

compared to mine. My dad's been giving me the silent treatment for close to two

years now (although he blames me for never calling him, when in fact he never

answers the phone when I do call). And honestly, I like it that way. Which

makes me feel guilty for being a horrible daughter, to which I tell myself that

I don't have to submit myself to the way that he acts.

Children aren't in the picture yet, but once they are, my husband and I have

already decided that they are never going to be alone with my dad. I REFUSE to

let him treat my children the way he treated me. While there was never any

physical abuse, there was pretty constant emotional abuse and manipulation. I

don't think I could have made it through my childhood and teenage years without

my grandmother, teachers at school, and God.

I'm tempted to cut off all contact - but how can I do that while my mom is still

with him, and do I really want to break up the family that way? Yes, it would

be easy for me. But the fact that it would be easy makes me even more scared of

myself.

[Guest guest]

Hi Grad,

Welcome to the group! I'm so happy for you that your father has a diagnosis.

Knowing what is wrong (and that you are not crazy- they are) is so healing.

I wanted to address your No Contact idea, as well as the his memory vs. your

memory comment that you made.

In terms of going NC while another parent is still in your life, it is very

do-able. You can say things such as, " I'm not talking to Dad right now, but I'd

like to talk to you, " You don't have to explain yourself, and if your mom wants

to talk his side, that is her choice, but at least you have respected yourself

and your boundaries.

The guilt can be absolutely crushing- I completely understand where you are

coming from. Try to remember that the guilt you are feeling is a neural pathway

that HE created, not you. He is causing you to feel guilty as a result of years

of emotional battery. You can't necessarily say to your brain " Stop feeling

guilty now " (although it would be nice!), but you CAN choose not to act on the

feelings that he imposed on you. He can no longer control your decisions only

you can. You CAN choose to say to your brain, " Yep, this guilt feels terrible

today, but not respecting my own boundaries- therefore perpetuating the abuse I

lived through years ago- would feel even worse for years to come. "

I am so sorry that you went through all of this, and your mom is still enabling

dad. Sometimes the " healthy " people can be even more hurtful because you have

to ask yourself why they didn't step in and protect you. The good thing is, you

can now protect yourself.

For going NC, the book " Surviving the Borderline Parent " has a chapter with

specific talking points, including when another parent is still living with your

BPDdad. I highly recommend it, but it can be a bit tough to read (in terms of

bringing up painful past experiences), so read it when you feel you can handle a

bit of emotional work. It helped me a lot.

In terms of the memories he doesn't seem to have, that line really resonated

with me. If BPDs feel something, to them it becomes true. So, if your dad

feels he was a great guy, and that he never did anything harmful to you, no

matter what your memory of it is, and no matter how it has affected you, to him

it may be as though it never happened. That one still gets me, personally. My

BPDMom will lie about things that are big (like she " doesn't believe in

spanking " even though she slapped me, spanked me and yanked at my arms on a

weekly basis when I was little), but she will also lie about totally mundane

things. She even once asked me if I remembered all the wonderful turkey dinners

she cooked when I was child... I think she cooked one turkey one time. Other

than that I mostly ate cereal, because she was so neglectful. It can make me

laugh at times it's so absurd, but when it is about the abuse, it can be so

painful. Just know you are not alone. WE know that you are telling the truth,

and we know the pain that BPDs are capable of inflicting. Your memory is

ligitimate and true, and I 100% believe what you have written.

I hope you have found a psychologist or psychiatrist who is familiar with BPD to

help you get on track, and get passed the trauma.

Once again, welcome!

- Jets

>

> Hello,

>

> I'm 26 years old, and my father was just diagnosed with BPD. I just finished

reading the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " , which sent me to this site. I've

never really been in a group like this, either in rl or online, so I'm not sure

what to expect or how exactly to behave!

>

> Growing up I always thought my family was normal - my dad was basically a good

man, but he'd get into these moods and the world would stop until he felt better

again. One of my most vivid memories of him is him screaming at me, his face a

mere 2 inches from mine, about how I was stupid and how could anyone be as

stupid as I was. I was twelve. Afterwards, and even now, it's like he doesn't

even know that it happened.

>

> My mom was/is an enabler - she would do whatever she could to make my dad calm

down. Often I think that made it worse. For as long as I can remember, I've

been doing whatever I can to protect my younger brother and do whatever I could

to prevent my dad's explosions.

>

> I read in the Eggshell's book that that is a common response for non-BPD

children or parents with BPD. I also read that another common result is the

increased difficulty in developing meaningful relationships. That hit home with

me - besides my husband I don't really have any close friends. I don't think I

know how to move relationships past the acquaintance stage.

>

> Thankfully, I have been out of the house for several years now, and am very

happily married to a man whose childhood seems like it was positively idyllic

compared to mine. My dad's been giving me the silent treatment for close to two

years now (although he blames me for never calling him, when in fact he never

answers the phone when I do call). And honestly, I like it that way. Which

makes me feel guilty for being a horrible daughter, to which I tell myself that

I don't have to submit myself to the way that he acts.

>

> Children aren't in the picture yet, but once they are, my husband and I have

already decided that they are never going to be alone with my dad. I REFUSE to

let him treat my children the way he treated me. While there was never any

physical abuse, there was pretty constant emotional abuse and manipulation. I

don't think I could have made it through my childhood and teenage years without

my grandmother, teachers at school, and God.

>

> I'm tempted to cut off all contact - but how can I do that while my mom is

still with him, and do I really want to break up the family that way? Yes, it

would be easy for me. But the fact that it would be easy makes me even more

scared of myself.

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Grad! I certainly understand your relationship with your dad. My BPD

mom (nada) never remembers the bad things she says and does and if she does

recall it there are a thousand reasons she had, mostly relating to what I

did to deserve it. She is forever apologizing for my childhood (I'm 37) but

refuses to take responsibility for her behavior in the last 20 years -

namely recently. It doesn't seem to get better. I just discovered BPD this

summer and went limited contact and recently decided to go completely no

contact. I feel for your struggle on whether to make it more permanent and

complete.

Do you have a pretty good relationship with your mom? If so, it would make

it really hard to cut things off completely. I'm sure there are lots of

people in this forum that can give advice on that.

I have a schizoid father who has never given a fig about me so cutting him

off with nada is really not even a concern of mine. My concern is that my

children have actually enjoyed a decent relationship with nada and fada and

I feel bad for them because they have not seen her nastiness as much.

However, for my own sanity I have to protect myself and exchanging my

children with them (even briefly) would be very painful for me and it is not

worth fearing whether they are taking my treatment of them out on my kids or

trying to turn them against me. It is also not worth it for the one time

nada explodes on them without my knowledge - or pettily demeans them and

they don't know that it isn't okay and never tell me but harbor those

hateful words that will shape their self-image.

You mentioned your faith in God. I too have leaned on my faith to get me

through the years before discovering BPD. My nada is obsessive about the

Bible and uses it to beat me over the head with things like " honor your

mother and father " and " forgive 7 x 70! " It has just been since my

discovery of BPD that I realized that honoring them just means using kind

words, not speaking negatively about them behind their backs (gossip) and if

they are ever destitute without food or lodging you financially provide

means for them (which is not likely to happen with insurance and Medicare).

Otherwise, you have the right to protect yourself. Another concept that

occurred to me in regards to my parents is that 1) I don't love them with

feeling - I don't hate them either which would be bad, but I'm indifferent

to them because of the abusive behaviors they have inflicted on me. I love

them in the idea that I wish them the best, but in loving myself the best

for me is not to be near them. 2) They do not love me. Because of the

nature of BPD - even though the say they love us (excessively so on my

nada's part) they love the good feelings you give them when you fill them

up. It is a very selfish love in that they want desperately to make

themselves feel good. Some parents do this by harming their children

physically and verbally and seem to get pleasure from it. That is the worst

kind of self-gratification. However, for my nada she didn't seem to enjoy

hurting me she just used me to feel better. She was like a pressure-cooker

with so much steam inside of her from whatever cause that she HAD to blow up

on me in order to relieve the pressure inside. She didn't seem to have a

choice and it had nothing to do with me whatsoever. After really looking at

the BPD behaviors I honestly think they cannot possess unselfish love for

people. They cannot desire the good for others that true love requires

because to do so would mean to stop saying and doing things that hurt

people. I tested my nada during my limited contact by just e-mailing her

that she hurt me and that her words cut me and how I wanted to work through

it with her on how to identify which words are hurtful so we could

reconnect. She proceeded to tell me I was being hateful by saying these

things and play the victim at how I was hurting her by limiting my contact

and needed to forgive her and move on. That confirmed to me that she did in

fact have BPD (otherwise undiagnosed) and that she really doesn't love me or

she would be concerned about what she is doing to hurt me. That was when I

decided no contact was the only way for me to heal and it was simply

removing a source for her to suck dry whereupon she'll find another source

to meet her endless needs. Sorry for the length, but maybe those insights

can help you decide if you can and should go completely no contact.

Congrats on finding help with books and this group. I also have found

www.bpdfamily.com very helpful. Keep us posted on your progress!

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jet! We don't have an official diagnosis - my mom's counselor suggested

that my dad might have BPD, and so we've been reading up on it. What decided it

for us was feeling like the authors of SWOE spent the last 15 years living in

our house with us. It made everything click into place.

This has all been relatively recent - my mom actually left my dad for a short

period and went into counseling. She's working on setting boundaries and trying

to make the relationship work in light of my dad's BPD. While that's great for

her, it doesn't really help me.

She is, however, supportive of whatever decision I make regarding NC - although

she obviously doesn't want that to include her. She's also going to look into

getting my younger brother counseling - he's in college, so technically an

adult, but still " at home " .

I haven't found a counselor yet - honestly it's only something I've been

thinking about for a couple of months now. But I think I'm working my way

closer to that - I'm about ready to start researching therapists in my area.

I'm purchasing that book from Amazon right now. Thanks!

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I'm 26 years old, and my father was just diagnosed with BPD. I just

finished reading the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " , which sent me to this

site. I've never really been in a group like this, either in rl or online, so

I'm not sure what to expect or how exactly to behave!

> >

> > Growing up I always thought my family was normal - my dad was basically a

good man, but he'd get into these moods and the world would stop until he felt

better again. One of my most vivid memories of him is him screaming at me, his

face a mere 2 inches from mine, about how I was stupid and how could anyone be

as stupid as I was. I was twelve. Afterwards, and even now, it's like he

doesn't even know that it happened.

> >

> > My mom was/is an enabler - she would do whatever she could to make my dad

calm down. Often I think that made it worse. For as long as I can remember,

I've been doing whatever I can to protect my younger brother and do whatever I

could to prevent my dad's explosions.

> >

> > I read in the Eggshell's book that that is a common response for non-BPD

children or parents with BPD. I also read that another common result is the

increased difficulty in developing meaningful relationships. That hit home with

me - besides my husband I don't really have any close friends. I don't think I

know how to move relationships past the acquaintance stage.

> >

> > Thankfully, I have been out of the house for several years now, and am very

happily married to a man whose childhood seems like it was positively idyllic

compared to mine. My dad's been giving me the silent treatment for close to two

years now (although he blames me for never calling him, when in fact he never

answers the phone when I do call). And honestly, I like it that way. Which

makes me feel guilty for being a horrible daughter, to which I tell myself that

I don't have to submit myself to the way that he acts.

> >

> > Children aren't in the picture yet, but once they are, my husband and I have

already decided that they are never going to be alone with my dad. I REFUSE to

let him treat my children the way he treated me. While there was never any

physical abuse, there was pretty constant emotional abuse and manipulation. I

don't think I could have made it through my childhood and teenage years without

my grandmother, teachers at school, and God.

> >

> > I'm tempted to cut off all contact - but how can I do that while my mom is

still with him, and do I really want to break up the family that way? Yes, it

would be easy for me. But the fact that it would be easy makes me even more

scared of myself.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks !

Your talking through the " honoring your father and mother " premise was very

helpful, and something I've been struggling through. Like you, I feel

indifferent toward my parents - I don't hate them (at times I feel pity toward

them), but I don't really love them emotionally either. My dad is actually in

the ministry, so God and the Bible have always been a big part of my life.

Thankfully, I turned to God when things were hardest instead of drugs or sex or

anything.

My problem on top of that is that I want the " Ideal " family - and for so long it

looked ideal to outsiders. All my friends in high school loved coming to our

house to hang out, because we were " normal " . Now I'm finally facing the fact

that it was far from ideal - or even normal.

In a way, I started this whole " recovery/diagnosis " process. I'd been my mom's

confidante for years, and finally told her a few months ago that I couldn't do

it anymore, and that she needed to find a therapist. Her therapist brought up

the idea of BPD, and we started researching it and reading whatever we could

find on it. Shortly afterward, my mom moved out until she could figure things

out for herself. Right now she's working on reconciliation with my dad. I've

told her straight up that I'm considering NC, and while she's not thrilled about

the idea, she understands and will support me with whatever I decide. She's

also looking into getting counseling for my younger brother.

It's obvious you've done put a lot of thought into this - I don't have children

yet, but even from where I am in life I can understand how much more difficult a

decision it is to go NC when there are grand-kids involved. That's not an easy

decision at all, but is something that only the people involved can decide based

on the situation and what you yourself can deal with.

My family separated from my mom's side of the family when I was about 6 years

old. As someone who's grown up " distanced " from one side of the family; it's

not as hard on the kids as most people seem to think. I won't go into details

(this is not the time or place), but my parents addressed the issue in an

age-appropriate way to both my brother and I why we had to separate from them,

and why we couldn't see our mom's parents. It was an open topic in our home,

but one that came up rarely. When I was graduating high school, I was given the

chance to get back in touch with them, and after some initial overtures were

ignored, I moved on. Other people have always been more emotional or distraught

about the separation that I have ... although to be honest that could be a part

of being the child of a BPD.

My husband and I are thinking about having children soon - and I so desperately

want to protect them from the type of childhood I had. The more I read about

BPD and its effects on everyone involved make me more and more convinced that I

need to find a therapist of my own to work myself out.

Again, thanks for your insight and response! On the one hand it's so

comforting to know that there are other people like me who have gone through

this. On the other hand, it's heartbreaking that so many people have had to go

through this.

Nicolle

>

>

>

> Hello Grad! I certainly understand your relationship with your dad. My BPD

> mom (nada) never remembers the bad things she says and does and if she does

> recall it there are a thousand reasons she had, mostly relating to what I

> did to deserve it. She is forever apologizing for my childhood (I'm 37) but

> refuses to take responsibility for her behavior in the last 20 years -

> namely recently. It doesn't seem to get better. I just discovered BPD this

> summer and went limited contact and recently decided to go completely no

> contact. I feel for your struggle on whether to make it more permanent and

> complete.

>

>

>

> Do you have a pretty good relationship with your mom? If so, it would make

> it really hard to cut things off completely. I'm sure there are lots of

> people in this forum that can give advice on that.

>

>

>

> I have a schizoid father who has never given a fig about me so cutting him

> off with nada is really not even a concern of mine. My concern is that my

> children have actually enjoyed a decent relationship with nada and fada and

> I feel bad for them because they have not seen her nastiness as much.

> However, for my own sanity I have to protect myself and exchanging my

> children with them (even briefly) would be very painful for me and it is not

> worth fearing whether they are taking my treatment of them out on my kids or

> trying to turn them against me. It is also not worth it for the one time

> nada explodes on them without my knowledge - or pettily demeans them and

> they don't know that it isn't okay and never tell me but harbor those

> hateful words that will shape their self-image.

>

>

>

> You mentioned your faith in God. I too have leaned on my faith to get me

> through the years before discovering BPD. My nada is obsessive about the

> Bible and uses it to beat me over the head with things like " honor your

> mother and father " and " forgive 7 x 70! " It has just been since my

> discovery of BPD that I realized that honoring them just means using kind

> words, not speaking negatively about them behind their backs (gossip) and if

> they are ever destitute without food or lodging you financially provide

> means for them (which is not likely to happen with insurance and Medicare).

> Otherwise, you have the right to protect yourself. Another concept that

> occurred to me in regards to my parents is that 1) I don't love them with

> feeling - I don't hate them either which would be bad, but I'm indifferent

> to them because of the abusive behaviors they have inflicted on me. I love

> them in the idea that I wish them the best, but in loving myself the best

> for me is not to be near them. 2) They do not love me. Because of the

> nature of BPD - even though the say they love us (excessively so on my

> nada's part) they love the good feelings you give them when you fill them

> up. It is a very selfish love in that they want desperately to make

> themselves feel good. Some parents do this by harming their children

> physically and verbally and seem to get pleasure from it. That is the worst

> kind of self-gratification. However, for my nada she didn't seem to enjoy

> hurting me she just used me to feel better. She was like a pressure-cooker

> with so much steam inside of her from whatever cause that she HAD to blow up

> on me in order to relieve the pressure inside. She didn't seem to have a

> choice and it had nothing to do with me whatsoever. After really looking at

> the BPD behaviors I honestly think they cannot possess unselfish love for

> people. They cannot desire the good for others that true love requires

> because to do so would mean to stop saying and doing things that hurt

> people. I tested my nada during my limited contact by just e-mailing her

> that she hurt me and that her words cut me and how I wanted to work through

> it with her on how to identify which words are hurtful so we could

> reconnect. She proceeded to tell me I was being hateful by saying these

> things and play the victim at how I was hurting her by limiting my contact

> and needed to forgive her and move on. That confirmed to me that she did in

> fact have BPD (otherwise undiagnosed) and that she really doesn't love me or

> she would be concerned about what she is doing to hurt me. That was when I

> decided no contact was the only way for me to heal and it was simply

> removing a source for her to suck dry whereupon she'll find another source

> to meet her endless needs. Sorry for the length, but maybe those insights

> can help you decide if you can and should go completely no contact.

>

>

>

> Congrats on finding help with books and this group. I also have found

> www.bpdfamily.com very helpful. Keep us posted on your progress!

>

>

>

>

>

> jwjrenslow@...

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kelley,

Welcome to the Group.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this truly stressful, frustrating and

depressing situation with your bpd/schizophrenic/psychotic mother. I truly

empathize with your dilemma. My own bpd/npd mother passed away about 10 months

ago in part due to senile dementia, and mine had been rather chronically

paranoid with fixed, negative delusions about people for most of her life, also.

And as my mother declined into full-blown dementia, her paranoia and physical

violence worsened, she began hallucinating, and she began acting out with

physical violence toward other people besides just Sister and me. Truly,

uncannily similar to your mother.

Fortunately for me, my younger Sister chose to remain in contact with our mother

(or " nada " , short for " mother with bpd " ) and accepted legal guardianship of our

mother once mother had received a formal diagnosis of senile dementia.

I was burnt out and couldn't take being in contact with our nada any longer;

just hearing her voice on the phone had started resulting in a blinding

headache, a loud ringing in the ears, vertigo, nausea and vomiting for me, and

so I chose to go No Contact permanently about 3 years before my mother died.

I truly think that my younger Sister is a living Saint. She is my hero.

My own personal recommendation is to consider doing what my Sister did, which I

was totally on board with and supported. Once mother had received the senile

dementia diagnosis and was declared legally incompetent to care for herself,

Sister relocated our mother into a nice residential care facility with an

Alzheimer's wing and a nursing staff trained to care for Alzheimer's (or senile

dementia) patients.

This place was/is clean, pretty and well-managed, and our mother had supervision

24/7. There were only about 40 patients for the large staff to supervise, so

each patient got personal attention. There were 3 full-time nurses and quite a

few assistants and other care-givers and a patient " ombudsman " to handle patient

concerns and complaints. Mother had a large single room with a special

safety-oriented bathroom, but no kitchen. Meals were served in the common dining

room. There was a " soda shop " on one floor for parties and snacks. The

facility was run rather like a hotel, with room cleaning and laundry services

provided. Mother was able to have some of her own familiar furniture, photos

and decorations there with her. She was even allowed to have her little cat

there. My Sister was able to supervise mother's care without being there

every day, and she'd visit mom sometimes every week, sometimes every other week.

The facility was also able to provide hospice care for mother once she became

terminal.

So, I hope that you will research the services that are available in your area

and find a way to supervise your mother's care without physically providing it

yourself. None of us are trained to provide nursing care and one person can't

provide 24/7 supervision to someone who is not in touch with reality, resistant

to taking meds, sometimes violent, and likely to get outside and wander around

at night.

Having a mentally ill parent is just a no-win situation and a heart-breaking

tragedy, particularly when they develop dementia on top of an existing

personality disorder. I hope you will find a solution that works for both you

and your mother.

-Annie

>

> Hi. I'm new to the list. My name is Kelley and I'm a 45-year-old female and

an ONLY CHILD (anyone else on here in that situation?). My mom, still living

and 67, is BPD (undiagnosed—but I'm REALLY pushing her doctors to take a look at

this diagnosis). Over the years, she's been diagnosed with major depression,

schizophrenic and/or psychotic episodes, and bi-polar disorder. It seems to me

BPD has been mentioned in regards to her, but I can't remember. It has only

been over the last month that I sat down with I Hate You—Don't Leave Me and

really began to learn. It was like reading a script of my life. And she meets

ALL NINE indicators for this disorder!!! Through searching the internet, I

ultimately landed here. Your experiences are so similar to mine, it's uncanny.

And now, get ready to read the great American novel.

>

> Although I believe my mother has always been a BP (according to recent talks

with her 2 living brothers), I believe a few traumas really escalated the

behaviors. By the time I was 7 my father was killed, her brother was killed,

and we were in a serious car accident where my grandparents were hospitalized.

I'd also like to say that I think my grandfather was a BP (I'm seeing sooooo

many of his behaviors in my mom here recently).

>

> As I grew up, she had a schizophrenic fixation with body issues (and this is

an actual DSM indicator for schizophrenia—who knew?!), believing people could

merely look at her and " make " things happen to her. And there was some sort of

competition going on between, where I couldn't/shouldn't have anything she

didn't have. Never mind that she'd already had these things earlier in life;

she didn't have them NOW, so I shouldn't either. And the rages--violent,

unpredictable things like ramming my head into a door as I tried to escape (but

they stopped when I was 16 and stood up to her, hitting her back). And suicide

threats (but never an actual attempt, which I now see was very manipulative—we'd

all run to her rescue). Lots of times she'd make these in in the car and

threaten to take me with her over a hill or under an 18-wheeler at 90 mph.

>

> She alternated between the bottomless pit of need (much wailing and gnashing

of teeth) and the raging monster. Sometimes she could be " normal, " though,

which always gave us (my grandparents (her parents), her brothers, and I) hope

that there was a real, functioning human being underneath it all. (Ultimately,

she's low-functioning--no friends, never held a job.) To this day, I'm STILL

trying to " figure " her out. What is the one little missing puzzle piece that

will make it all make sense?

>

> Starting at 19, I began distancing myself here and there. I went through 6

months of therapy when my daughter was young. I didn't want to repeat things

with her. She's now 20, and the most WELL-adjusted human being I think I know.

YAY! I did something right!!!

>

> Three years ago, I finished up a year of intense therapy in order to finally

get over major " mommy issues. " My goal: to have a normal relationship with her

(I thought *I* was the problem). I quickly realized I didn't want a

relationship after all; she was just too difficult and unpredictable, and I was

burnt out after all these years. I started distancing myself—calling and

visiting even less. She'd alternate between calling every day and going months

without calling. She'd leave sobbing messages of need on me and my uncles'

answering machines, then turn around and leave one raging at us for " pushing her

around " recently or even 5, 10, 20, 40, 60 years ago. She often left me

messages where she pointed out how unavailable I am by never answering the phone

or returning her calls.

>

> Which leads me to my current situation. Way back in one of the earliest

messages on this board (November 2000), annonymous1971 talked about setting

boundaries. Edith replied, " When we start to set boundaries it always gets

worse before it starts to get better. " Well, I think I might be there.

>

> In May, my daughter and I went down to see Mom for Mother's Day. We spent

about 2 hours, which was enough to last me for quite some time. In her mind,

that apparently meant we were " back " because she called the next day and the

next. On the third day, she left me a raging message, once again bringing up

how I was never available. I decided I was done.

>

> I didn't hear from her again until August, when she called every day for about

3 weeks. I didn't bother answering. Prior to this (I found out later) she'd

called my one uncle and told him, his wife, the other brother and his wife, and

me to stay out of her life forever. Near the end of September, I received a

call from a local ER—she'd come in disoriented, hearing and responding to

voices, and rambling about being scheduled for Obstructive Bowel surgery (body

issues again, as far as I'm concerned). She was even calling me Kelley Jo,

which is not my name (I hear the Ting Tings). I explained that we were

estranged but that I'd help them as much as I could.

>

> We wondered if she'd stopped taking her anti-psychotic meds, and all agreed

that she needed admitted. Over the next 24 hours she regained lucidity and

became angry and paranoid. She punched a nurse 3 times, threw coffee on her

(lukewarm, thankfully), shoved another off the bed, and ran through the halls.

They restrained her. (Is it wrong that I got some satisfaction from this?) A

day later, they admitted her to the locked unit in a short-term psychiatric

hospital. She's been there ever since.

>

> She's continued to hear the voices, and she acts very crazy at times (spinning

in circles with a cup on her head or casting evil entities out of the room—did I

mention the religious undertones to all of this?). She's had periods of rage

with me, , the doctors, and the nurses (thank goodness someone else is

seeing it). She refuses her meds during these times and insists that she's

going home (even though she can't—I'm the medical POA for this hospitalization).

She's denied she ever hit me more than the one time when I finally hit her back

(boy that made me mad. Distortion campaign, maybe?). Then, she'll turn around

and be sweet and kind to everyone, including me, and we're soooo pleased with

her progress. We finally decided to administer a long-term injection of an

anti-psychotic to see if that would get rid of the voices (and bypass her med

refusals). It didn't, so the next step was to start ECTs (they began this past

week).

>

> And what do I do? Although I won't make the trip every day, which is what my

grandparents would have done (I'm only a ½ hour away), I do go down on the

weekends. My quality of life has deteriorated over the past 5 weeks b/c I

really don't want to caretake her anymore. I understand she's getting older, so

I do feel that " cultural obligation " to take care of her. And I'm still under

the FOG. On the other hand, I feel like I've already done my time. I seriously

wonder if she stopped taking her meds to FORCE me back in to her life. And I

wonder how I'm reinforcing things by only being available in great times of

need.

>

> Another poster wrote (and I'm sorry…I didn't make a note of who wrote this,

but also from November 2000): " How do you express compassion for a person who

" hates " you, has manipulated and tried to control you, has been cruel and cold

toward [you], and who can't see anything beyond her vision of herself wounded at

the center of the universe? How do you balance compassion with your own need to

take care of yourself, and your anger at that person for hurting you? How do you

do this, knowing the whole time that she's probably always going to want to hurt

you? …She is a master of " spin " and manipulation, and I just don't think that

way "

>

> So, how do you?

>

> Kelley

>

[Guest guest]

Kelley,

Welcome. I'm sorry I have no practical words of advice. But I wanted to tell

you that you are among friends here.

I think it might do you good to see an episode of Black Adder (with Rowan

Atkinson on World War 2. It is the scene where Black Adder puts his underpants

on his head and pencils up his nose and says, " Wibble " to get out of " going over

the top. "

I think this may point you to the relevant scene.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Sorry, that would be WWI.

>

> Kelley,

>

> Welcome. I'm sorry I have no practical words of advice. But I wanted to tell

you that you are among friends here.

>

> I think it might do you good to see an episode of Black Adder (with Rowan

Atkinson on World War 2. It is the scene where Black Adder puts his underpants

on his head and pencils up his nose and says, " Wibble " to get out of " going over

the top. "

>

> I think this may point you to the relevant scene.

>

>

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>