Guest guest Posted October 15, 2012 Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Have any of you had any luck in finding a therapist who understands the issues of being an adult child of a BPD mother? I am having the dickens of a time. My former therapist retired a couple of months ago and so far I've consulted three different therapists with no success. Two of them tried to get me to say things to her that would have set her off, which indicated to me they have no experience in dealing with BPD people. And it was like having yet another person in my life trying to control me! The third one seemed very knowledgeable of BPD but is so booked up with clients that I can only get in to see her every three weeks or so, after waiting six weeks for an initial appointment! And her advice was to learn to " reframe " my past with BPD mom -- to see all the things she's done and said as obstacles I've overcome, that I should THANK her for giving me the motivation to succeed. That's a pretty tall order when you are talking about growing up with the kinds of things a borderline mom says and does, and who is only getting worse with age. So, is it just me, or is it really, really difficult to find a therapist who understands the issues involved for adult children of BPD parents? I'm just about to throw in the towel on finding therapeutic support in this town. It was not this difficult to locate someone qualified and knowledgeable when my husband and I lived in a larger city... Sigh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 My T is really great on this particular issue. I got really lucky in that regard. She gets it. Ninera Sent from my HTC on the Now Network from Sprint! ----- Reply message ----- Date: Tue, Oct 16, 2012 1:36 am Subject: Finding a therapist To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 My suggestion is to expand your search to include therapists who have experience with or even specialize in *trauma recovery* and if that doesn't turn up anyone, perhaps see if there are any therapists who treat the *adult children of substance-abusing parents* or *domestic violence* issues. From what I've read, the damage done to the children of substance-abusing parents is really similar the kinds of damage bpd parents can inflict. But its true that even if you find some available therapists who seem like good possible candidates, you then have to be a good consumer and interview them to see if you feel that they are a good match for you. At the website " Psychology Today " they have a " find a therapist " section where you can look for a therapist by location, then narrow your search by the issue you are wanting help with. Perhaps also ask your regular doctor, your GP, if he or she can recommend a few names of therapists. Best of luck to you. I hope that you will be as lucky as my Sister, who found a psychologist who had experience treating the adult children of bpd mothers, and had had a bpd mother himself (he shared this with Sister at one point.) He helped my Sister a great deal. -Annie > > Have any of you had any luck in finding a therapist who understands the issues of being an adult child of a BPD mother? I am having the dickens of a time. My former therapist retired a couple of months ago and so far I've consulted three different therapists with no success. Two of them tried to get me to say things to her that would have set her off, which indicated to me they have no experience in dealing with BPD people. And it was like having yet another person in my life trying to control me! The third one seemed very knowledgeable of BPD but is so booked up with clients that I can only get in to see her every three weeks or so, after waiting six weeks for an initial appointment! And her advice was to learn to " reframe " my past with BPD mom -- to see all the things she's done and said as obstacles I've overcome, that I should THANK her for giving me the motivation to succeed. That's a pretty tall order when you are talking about growing up with the kinds of things a borderline mom says and does, and who is only getting worse with age. So, is it just me, or is it really, really difficult to find a therapist who understands the issues involved for adult children of BPD parents? I'm just about to throw in the towel on finding therapeutic support in this town. It was not this difficult to locate someone qualified and knowledgeable when my husband and I lived in a larger city... Sigh... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 I heavily second (or third or fourth) the idea of making sure your therapist has a background in abuse issues. I have had an unfortunate experience (fortunately only once) with a therapist (LCSW) whose agenda, it became clear after a while, was " to get Jen and her Nada to reconcile " and " to convince Jen that her Nada really isn't that bad " and so on. The therapist was, as far as I could tell, wedded to the idea that families are better together than apart, and she didn't seem to want to believe the kind of viciousness Nada was capable of. I believe she meant well, it's just that her therapeutic focus was WRONG, and she just couldn't seem to see it, so I had to switch. (Much better with new T, she has a background including domestic abuse -- she's clueful.) I've read in a number of books that some therapists, particularly older ones, just aren't up to date on the newest findings about abusive relationships. They tend to take the view that these situations are " power struggles " or that the abuser is " really the one suffering the most " (because they wouldn't be acting this badly otherwise) or that the abused member is somehow " provoking " the abuser, or that the abuse has " anger management issues. " Therapists with more recent training know that none of this is true -- abuse is about power and control, and that's it, really. If the abuser won't agree to stop trying to be in sole control of the abusive relationship, the abused client should be helped to see what's really going on in the relationship in the hope that they will decide to end it, because that's all that can be done, and that's all there is to it. (A well-trained modern therapist will also be savvy enough to brief abused women on the tactics to get out safely and stay out.) Here's an interesting side note on how opinions on these things have changed and are continuing to change. I go to Al-Anon meetings (with mixed results, I admit), and there are three books of " approved readings " that are used at meetings. They've been published at roughly 15 year intervals and the first one came out in 1978. There are multiple " readings " in this first book saying that members should under no circumstances suggest to women with alcoholic husbands -- including the physically abusive ones! -- that they leave their husbands. The book is completely against this idea. By the time the next edition came out, that admonition had disappeared, and by time the third book came out, there are active statements in it saying " If you're being hurt, if you're in danger, get out. " This represents a remarkably quick adjustment of societal attitudes toward domestic abuse, which is great to see. Unfortunately a fair number of older therapists are still stuck in the " families should stay together no matter what " mindset, and will look for ways to play " blame the victim " in an attempt to get the abused client to admit that they are somehow at fault for the abuse -- because the therapists think that the secret to ending the abuse is to come up with some kind of realtional compromise that keeps the abuser satisfied and therefore non-violent. Unfortunately there IS NO WAY to keep an abuser satisfied, because they can always come up with one more reason to be abusive, since the abuse is not about the target of the abuse's actions at all -- it's about what's going on inside the abuser's head. Anyway, that's a typically longwinded way of saying -- YES, be sure you have a therapist who is educated in domestic violence issues, and if you get a whiff of victim-blaming aimed at you, leave quick and find another one. -- Jen H. On Tue, Oct 16, 2012 at 1:36 AM, yorkiemom1952 yorkiemom1952@...>wrote: > ** > > > Have any of you had any luck in finding a therapist who understands the > issues of being an adult child of a BPD mother? I am having the dickens of > a time. My former therapist retired a couple of months ago and so far I've > consulted three different therapists with no success. Two of them tried to > get me to say things to her that would have set her off, which indicated to > me they have no experience in dealing with BPD people. And it was like > having yet another person in my life trying to control me! The third one > seemed very knowledgeable of BPD but is so booked up with clients that I > can only get in to see her every three weeks or so, after waiting six weeks > for an initial appointment! And her advice was to learn to " reframe " my > past with BPD mom -- to see all the things she's done and said as obstacles > I've overcome, that I should THANK her for giving me the motivation to > succeed. That's a pretty tall order when you are talking about growing up > with the kinds of things a borderline mom says and does, and who is only > getting worse with age. So, is it just me, or is it really, really > difficult to find a therapist who understands the issues involved for adult > children of BPD parents? I'm just about to throw in the towel on finding > therapeutic support in this town. It was not this difficult to locate > someone qualified and knowledgeable when my husband and I lived in a larger > city... Sigh... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you, Jen, I appreciate what you are saying. I've gone to al-anon meetings in the past, and felt a mixed result as well. Also, this is a small-ish kind of town and have been told by a person who has been burned that some of the 12-step groups here do not keep things confidential, unfortunately, so I'm a little wary of speaking during the meetings. I did, after thinking it over, start feeling as though a little " blame the victim " mentality was creeping in, when the third therapist recommended I be *thankful* for the obstacles my mother had presented me with over a lifetime. She said to be grateful, because I learned to be resilient and succeed because of those obstacles. Good grief. She said that it's the frame that matters the most, not the painting. There might be some truth in that when it comes to ordinary life challenges. But this is a horse of a different color! > > > ** > > > > > > Have any of you had any luck in finding a therapist who understands the > > issues of being an adult child of a BPD mother? I am having the dickens of > > a time. My former therapist retired a couple of months ago and so far I've > > consulted three different therapists with no success. Two of them tried to > > get me to say things to her that would have set her off, which indicated to > > me they have no experience in dealing with BPD people. And it was like > > having yet another person in my life trying to control me! The third one > > seemed very knowledgeable of BPD but is so booked up with clients that I > > can only get in to see her every three weeks or so, after waiting six weeks > > for an initial appointment! And her advice was to learn to " reframe " my > > past with BPD mom -- to see all the things she's done and said as obstacles > > I've overcome, that I should THANK her for giving me the motivation to > > succeed. That's a pretty tall order when you are talking about growing up > > with the kinds of things a borderline mom says and does, and who is only > > getting worse with age. So, is it just me, or is it really, really > > difficult to find a therapist who understands the issues involved for adult > > children of BPD parents? I'm just about to throw in the towel on finding > > therapeutic support in this town. It was not this difficult to locate > > someone qualified and knowledgeable when my husband and I lived in a larger > > city... Sigh... > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you, Annie, I appreciate your advice! I went to the Psychology Today website and found one therapist who takes my insurance. You are right, it is very much like trauma recovery, and adult children of substance-abusing parents. In fact my nada was on tranquilizers (doctor prescribed) most of the time I was growing up and still takes something (xanax I think). So that wouldn't be too far afield. > > > > Have any of you had any luck in finding a therapist who understands the issues of being an adult child of a BPD mother? I am having the dickens of a time. My former therapist retired a couple of months ago and so far I've consulted three different therapists with no success. Two of them tried to get me to say things to her that would have set her off, which indicated to me they have no experience in dealing with BPD people. And it was like having yet another person in my life trying to control me! The third one seemed very knowledgeable of BPD but is so booked up with clients that I can only get in to see her every three weeks or so, after waiting six weeks for an initial appointment! And her advice was to learn to " reframe " my past with BPD mom -- to see all the things she's done and said as obstacles I've overcome, that I should THANK her for giving me the motivation to succeed. That's a pretty tall order when you are talking about growing up with the kinds of things a borderline mom says and does, and who is only getting worse with age. So, is it just me, or is it really, really difficult to find a therapist who understands the issues involved for adult children of BPD parents? I'm just about to throw in the towel on finding therapeutic support in this town. It was not this difficult to locate someone qualified and knowledgeable when my husband and I lived in a larger city... Sigh... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 I went to one a few times. She seemed to fully understand the ugliness of having a BPD person in my life. But she was sooo sensitive to the idea that she was too warm and fuzzy. That made me uncomfortable. I went there looking for a fix, a specific plan of action on how to care for my elderly nada without putting my feelings on the chopping block. The counselor finally got my message and backed off on the whole " you're a survivor " , " you may be experiencing PTSD " stuff. She gave me some helpful information and then I was done. There are the extremes: those who don't get it and those who want to baby you. The best I think is someone who gets it but helps you take back your life. Don't give up yet. Or be honest with the therapist and tell them what you really need, not just what they think you need. Do you have a feel for what you want, what would help you? I know it sounds like- then why have a therapist? But they have a different perspective and can think of things we may not. If it doesn't feel right, move on. Keep looking until you find one that is willing to work with you, not work on you like some pet project. > > Have any of you had any luck in finding a therapist who understands the issues of being an adult child of a BPD mother? I am having the dickens of a time. My former therapist retired a couple of months ago and so far I've consulted three different therapists with no success. Two of them tried to get me to say things to her that would have set her off, which indicated to me they have no experience in dealing with BPD people. And it was like having yet another person in my life trying to control me! The third one seemed very knowledgeable of BPD but is so booked up with clients that I can only get in to see her every three weeks or so, after waiting six weeks for an initial appointment! And her advice was to learn to " reframe " my past with BPD mom -- to see all the things she's done and said as obstacles I've overcome, that I should THANK her for giving me the motivation to succeed. That's a pretty tall order when you are talking about growing up with the kinds of things a borderline mom says and does, and who is only getting worse with age. So, is it just me, or is it really, really difficult to find a therapist who understands the issues involved for adult children of BPD parents? I'm just about to throw in the towel on finding therapeutic support in this town. It was not this difficult to locate someone qualified and knowledgeable when my husband and I lived in a larger city... Sigh... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you for your post, and yes I know what I need, and it's not the " you're a survivor " approach like the one who said I should be grateful for all the obstacles. She actually did say the words " you're a survivor. " I need a therapist to talk to who gets it and supports me as I am finding my own way and who allows me to " think out loud " (while offering questions to help get me unstuck) -- someone who can walk with me on the journey toward greater self-confidence/acceptance and a way to have empathy toward her without getting drawn into the pit myself. I am not looking to cut off my relationship with my mother, as there ARE good and loving moments with her. Just need to learn to cope with the inconsistencies day-to-day. One therapist was someone who I initially thought would be a good match, and then she suggested I join a support group that she is a MEMBER of! Huge red flag -- she wanted me to hear all her " stuff " , too, and forget that she was my therapist during the group meetings. Good grief. Another therapist was interrupted during our session by a knock on the exterior door, so she got up and flung open the door wide enough so that anyone walking down the sidewalk could see who was sitting there in her office. Again, good grief. I won't give up, but I wonder whatever has happened to the idea of professionalism in this part of the world... > > > > Have any of you had any luck in finding a therapist who understands the issues of being an adult child of a BPD mother? I am having the dickens of a time. My former therapist retired a couple of months ago and so far I've consulted three different therapists with no success. Two of them tried to get me to say things to her that would have set her off, which indicated to me they have no experience in dealing with BPD people. And it was like having yet another person in my life trying to control me! The third one seemed very knowledgeable of BPD but is so booked up with clients that I can only get in to see her every three weeks or so, after waiting six weeks for an initial appointment! And her advice was to learn to " reframe " my past with BPD mom -- to see all the things she's done and said as obstacles I've overcome, that I should THANK her for giving me the motivation to succeed. That's a pretty tall order when you are talking about growing up with the kinds of things a borderline mom says and does, and who is only getting worse with age. So, is it just me, or is it really, really difficult to find a therapist who understands the issues involved for adult children of BPD parents? I'm just about to throw in the towel on finding therapeutic support in this town. It was not this difficult to locate someone qualified and knowledgeable when my husband and I lived in a larger city... Sigh... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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