How was your NADA with household pets?

[Guest guest]

Annie. Interesting...your comment... " My own theory is that a mother with

bpd comes to relate to her own children as her siblings, and feels *sibling

rivalry toward her own children*. "

Way,way before I ever knew anything about BPD, that is exactly how I would

describe my NADA. It's always felt to me that she is some sort of a big

bully sister....not a mother.

The only person in my life that ever felt like a mother was my grandmother.

And.

My NADA also got tired of our dogs. She had no problem at all euthanizing

them. She made no excuses. She just had them put down once they annoyed her

for some reason. The cats were safe however. She never put a cat down.

On Fri, Oct 19, 2012 at 12:11 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> My own personal opinion (which I realize is massively politically

> incorrect) is that if a person is exhibiting the traits and behaviors of

> bpd pretty frequently and intensely, then that person is not safe to leave

> children or pets with. Its like leaving a newborn infant in the care of a

> three-year-old and walking off; a horrible tragedy will ensue.

>

> Our society/culture hasn't evolved a paradigm yet for comprehending this

> bizarre condition, that its possible for an adult body with an adult's

> level of intelligence to nevertheless have a three-year-old child as the

> " driver. " In the normal course of human growth and development, a

> three-year-old hasn't yet evolved a sense of empathy for others or

> compassion for others. A three-year-old is still the center of her own

> universe and other people exist to serve her needs, and siblings are

> rivals. My own theory is that a mother with bpd comes to relate to her own

> children as her siblings, and feels *sibling rivalry toward her own

> children*.

>

> A nada resents her child's need and dependency, resents her child's youth

> and potential, because *nada* wants to be the dependent, adored child whose

> needs and feelings are cared for, and *nada* wants to be the young girl on

> the threshold of adulthood, again.

>

> I feel that this dynamic manifested between me and my own nada, at any

> rate. I wasn't " me " to my mother. I was never just " me. " I think that on

> some level I represented my nada's own older sister to nada. My nada

> loathed her older sister and was massively jealous/envious of her. So when

> I was " golden " I represented nada's own idealized self to her, but when I

> was " black " I was nada's hated rival, her older sister (as well as

> representing all of nada's own unwanted, imperfect, shameful flaws and

> traits) and I got abused for it.

>

> My nada used her intelligence to learn how to be a mother, but it was " by

> the book " , so to speak. It was like a person who is tone-deaf and has no

> sense of rhythm learning to play the piano. They can learn to read the

> notes and follow the instructions and execute the mechanics of the task

> (perhaps using an aide like a metronome) but there is no feeling in it. The

> piano playing sounds accurate but mechanical or unpleasantly " off " , somehow.

>

> When a person is born with sub-normal intellectual functioning, its

> obvious. We can easily discern it when an individual who has an adult body

> is not functioning with an adult's level of intellectual comprehension and

> reasoning. But we have a great deal of difficulty discerning and dealing

> with adults who have impaired emotional development; we haven't evolved a

> paradigm for this, a way of relating to it and handling it.

>

> Its like a blindness; we are unable to easily perceive impaired emotional

> functioning in adults, and that blindness on the part of normal adults and

> society seems to wind up impacting the children of the emotionally

> impaired, the most innocent and vulnerable, most of all.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Absolutely I experienced this! And before these pets " disappeared " , she

> > > treated them horribly. I cannot describe the horror being a young

> child and

> > > watching how she screamed at and beat them. I think it came down to

> her need

> > > to control, and pets very much have their own personality and one nadas

> > > cannot project theirs onto. Every one of our dogs that actually stayed

> > > around for awhile were submissive and cowering. The more rebellious

> ones

> > > ended up at the pound, given away or hit by a car.

> > >

> > > I haven't thought about that in awhile.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > _____

> > >

> > > From: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of yorkiemom1952

> > > Sent: October-19-12 12:23 AM

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Subject: How was your NADA with household pets?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I am curious to know, am I alone in the experience of having almost

> every

> > > one of my dogs given away " to a better home " while I was growing up?

> One

> > > " ran away " after " the meter reader must have left the gate opened "

> (she took

> > > it to the pound while my sister and I were in school). Another one was

> hit

> > > by a car and died (a purebred I had bought with my own money when I

> was a

> > > teenager), when she forgot she had put it in the backyard and then

> opened

> > > the gate awhile later. It ran away and crossed a street in heavy

> traffic.

> > > Again, I was at school when it happened. The list goes on and on of

> dogs I

> > > loved and lost because of her behavior.

> > >

> > > Is this a BPD thing? And how do you forgive, is probably the bigger

> > > question? It's probably the one thing that I still seethe about, and

> need to

> > > let go of...

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Everyone, I realize I am way behind on communicating on this thread.

I appreciated the topic. It was sad/disconcerting going back through those

memories with you all.

It helps to know we are not alone.

Eliza, thanks for your thoughts about my memory of my nada. I need to feel that

compassion for me, that you expressed in words.

Last night, I woke up and suddenly felt dismayed that I had not been able to say

something to nada all those years ago! Oh the ghosts of the past and the coulda

woulda shouldas.

What would I have learned if I had said, " Mom, I always wondered what happened

to Fritzie. Thank you for your honesty. It must have been awful for you if it

took you so long to confess to this. Your laughter is telling me that you are

uneasy and may have missed out yourself on grieving Fritzie. "

Do I set the bar too high for myself? Reading those words, I see that is what an

insightful therapist might say. But I am my mom's daughter, and all I felt at

the moment was the huge emotional disconnect from my mom. I needed to pull back

for self-protection.

You guys helped me see that. I thank those of you who responded, directly and

indirectly, to what I brought to the group, and I appreciate your honesty about

your experiences.

Blessings,

[Guest guest]

For my nada, the pet (usually a dog) was the child and we were secondary. When I

was a toddler, one of her german shepherds growled at me because I was (so I am

told) pulling its tail. A dog in a home with kids must never do that for any

reason and today's advice is always get rid of the dog. She did not of course

and blamed me for making the dog angry year after year and I don't even remember

the incident. Her next dog was a favorite beyond any person and her distress

when the dog died was over the top. And that one was a freaky weird dog that

would pee when it got excited. What a mess.

Flowers in Oz

[Guest guest]

What always sucked about the pets (we always had cats) was that nada could be

much nicer to them than she was to me. Bruddah was never allowed to wave his

hands in the cats' faces, stick his bare foot under their noses, pick, prod, and

poke, but he could do the same to me until I wanted to slap him and I was a

" touch-me-don't " . Then she could be yelling at me or about me, stop right in

the middle, talk sweetly to a cat and stroke it, and then start right back on me

again, usually because I didn't want to do a chore right that minute, or didn't

do it the way she wanted it done even though she never showed me how she wanted

things done.

It always made me feel like crap. Like, " I'll be this nice to the cat and this

is what you *won't* be getting. "

--.

[Guest guest]

I had to finally chime in on this thread. Since all my troubles with my dog I

had to leave in the care of my house sitter and along with three other people

that are checking up on him, my nada suggested yesterday that I should find

another home for my dog that I have had for almost ten years. GRRRRR.

this is to say nothing of my cats that all got killed by cars because she

wouldn't allow a cat in her house and my dog that was never allowed in her house

because he shed where as her poodles didn't, but one of them did crap all over

the house mostly due to a bad stomache. she got me the cat because it was

pregnant and she thought it would be neat for me to experience having kittens

but then wouldn't let the cat stay in the house (she was a barn cat) but then

all the kittens got killed by tomcats or the semi trucks that run up and down

our streets. also, one got run over by us on our way to school. it was hiding

under the car when we were taking off. I decided as a kid, that if I couldn't

keep my animals in the house, then I wouldn't have any.

nada also, decided that she would like to breed pure bred dogs while her husband

was sick and dying. She has gotten rid of as many as she bought and she gave one

of them to my son since she felt it " acted like it belonged to us more than to

her! " then after she asked us if we wanted it, she let it get pregnant again so

she gives it to me and says, " oh, by the way, she went into heat two weeks ago

and she is probably gonna have puppies "

I don't regret it though. My son has gotten a lot of comfort from that dog and

one of her puppies that we kept and it really helped him when we lost his daddy

last year.

C