brief history of my story, with nada, background with my brother

[Guest guest]

here, and I have been reading posts when I can. There is a lot of good

communication on this list serve and hard to keep up!

That said, it was four years ago when I admitted to myself that my mom, then 75,

did likely have a mental health diagnosis. My brother would say schizophrenia,

my husband said, fast-cycling bipolar. And I just don't like diagnoses. For me,

they kept doctors from seeing my strengths. I don't like being looked at as a

pathology, and I don't like doing it to others.

However, four years ago, I had to concede that my mom would act in ways that

were unabashedly " evil " under certain circumstances. My bro and I never knew

whether the mom we-wanted-to-believe- loved-us, would show up.

Finally all the cards were stacked against her, when she left my brother

hanging, at the time when the housing market went south, along with our economy.

My brother had simply asked her if she would be willing to help him get a

conventional loan once he had his dream house nearly finished structurally.

Loans were much harder to come by and he needed help.

My mom did not answer, for months, and it turned out she probably kept the

information to herself, not sharing this request with my dad. My dad is not

good at lying and he seemed genuinely clueless when my parents finally made

arrangements to connect with my bro and family with financial support. It was

really clear too my mom did not want my brother to explain what had happened, in

my dad's presence. It still blows my mind, that my mom chose to sit in fear for

months, not answering my brother and simply hoping he would go away. Not in that

economy, could my bro go away. It was a humbling time.

I myself, had heard from nada before the market went south, I guess when my bro

first asked her " would you help? " Much in the same way I had asked if I could

ever move back home (at a time when I was in a physically and emotionally

abusive relationship some 30 years ago. My mom never answered my letter and

(coincidentally) changed her phone number, which was unlisted. I figured my

answer was to go it alone with support from friends, and leave my relationship.

Situation was more complicated for my bro, who's parents (at the time) did have

money to give, when no one else did.

Seeing her as " evil " , really blew my mind though. Fortunately, I finally picked

out that book I saw on my therapist's book shelf, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Every question on the back of that book, was an easy yes answer. My mom had

BPD? Therapist, who knew me well, said, very likely it was so, would I like to

take the book home?

Actually, I did not want to. But I did, and I found it the most hopeful book I'd

read in a long while. For one, it validated what I had already done in

separating from her. It was very affirming and to me it felt, if this could be

possible, optimistic. I had been afraid of the book because I was afraid of a

negative focus. I did not want to " give up " on nada. I also did know I needed to

detach more from taking her personally, and arguing with her. Though my stories

needed to be told in order to heal, I also saw that dwelling too much on them,

would keep my resentful and hurting.

I also had my own mental-health vulnerability, and a few years earlier, I had

started a 12-step support group for the emotions.. I needed peers to share

with and learn from, and I needed a place where the medical was less the focus.

Medications for me were not enough. I needed to change my thinking, my diet

and get exercise to recover, and my psychiatrist was in almost mute about these.

I needed peers who could at least listen to me as I walked towards mental

health, by changing my thinking.

At the point of my brother's financial challenges, I was realizing folks in my

group needed mentors (Sponsors) other than myself. Knowing that Alanon is a

program for family members of alcoholics, and that some of our members came from

alcoholic families, I followed my own advice and went to a meeting so I could

share with folks what the experience had been like.

The level of recovery in the group I visited was incredible; it was a large

group and Sponsorship was active. The group dealt openly with their emotions,

boundaries and issues regarding family of origin, that for me, transcended

alcoholism. The model for recovery for family members of alcoholics, has many of

the same elements as the SWOE books. It's focus on solutions, also made Alanon

helpful to me.

Many so-called recovered alcoholics, like folks with BPD, have poor ability to

regulate emotions. I heard people share how they deal with situations much

worse than mine, and felt less alone.

I knew immediately that Alanon would help me heal in face-to-face life.

It has also kept me honest, to read you all's shares when I can.

I have taken a lot of time off from computer this past 10 months, because our

family knew we could be moving. We found out for sure that we would move three

states away... in late January.

We de-cluttered and put our house on the market in April, after a vacation/house

hunting trip in March. And now we live in the deep South. And, we are having to

adjust when my son is a teenager, in middle school.

It has been a challenge, but in all this, I put mental health first. I have even

better boundaries with my nada, and have been able to stay in contact. I don't

recommend this to everyone. I have had times of n no contact and limited

contact. During the worst of the move, the weekend before the movers came, I

did something I had never done before. I called nada, to tell her I would be

happy to hear from her in 3-4 weeks. I gave her a date to be back in touch. I

knew having her check in on me during the move would feel like she was being

present during a childbirth. EW. And nada is not someone I find comforting.

I would say that boundary was not wonderfully received, but I don't know for

sure, as I got to leave my upbeat request on her answering machine. I do notice

that she denied me even my Father's Day phone call this year, but frankly, my

dad tends to let himself be a pillow on a coach... not much I can do to get to

him, unless my mom makes it possible.

I did not empower her with my anger, because I was too busy unpacking.

I am, today, grateful for a change in life, that has raised the bar for me, on

learning how to detach with self-compassion from my nada.

When I get to share next it will be about my brother and his move. Which he has

kept secret from nada. I am caught in the middle of that, but still doing my

best to stay detached. Even stupid.

Best,

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing this story. I am new to the group and I found your post

through a search for the word " solution " . I like your hopeful tone. It is what I

need right now, after a period of no contact, when I feel serious about learning

about BPD and finding so many resources in my quest. So I take your account of

SWOE as a message that I need to read that. And Alanon when I want to take it a

step further. I love the image of your upbeat message to tell her talk to you in

4 weeks! I can relate to some of the steps you have mentioned, and it is nice to

have validation that I am on the right path and its not all for naught.

As far as feeling stuck in the middle, I recommend the wisdom of my sister (who

has been no contact for a long time now) who said that being stuck in the middle

is a form of codependance, and what happens if you do nothing? It just proves

that the problem is between them, and you have nothing to do with it.

Good luck! Sounds like you are doing pretty well though. Thanks again!

>

> here, and I have been reading posts when I can. There is a lot of

good communication on this list serve and hard to keep up!

>

> That said, it was four years ago when I admitted to myself that my mom, then

75, did likely have a mental health diagnosis. My brother would say

schizophrenia, my husband said, fast-cycling bipolar. And I just don't like

diagnoses. For me, they kept doctors from seeing my strengths. I don't like

being looked at as a pathology, and I don't like doing it to others.

>

> However, four years ago, I had to concede that my mom would act in ways that

were unabashedly " evil " under certain circumstances. My bro and I never knew

whether the mom we-wanted-to-believe- loved-us, would show up.

>

> Finally all the cards were stacked against her, when she left my brother

hanging, at the time when the housing market went south, along with our economy.

My brother had simply asked her if she would be willing to help him get a

conventional loan once he had his dream house nearly finished structurally.

Loans were much harder to come by and he needed help.

>

> My mom did not answer, for months, and it turned out she probably kept the

information to herself, not sharing this request with my dad. My dad is not

good at lying and he seemed genuinely clueless when my parents finally made

arrangements to connect with my bro and family with financial support. It was

really clear too my mom did not want my brother to explain what had happened, in

my dad's presence. It still blows my mind, that my mom chose to sit in fear for

months, not answering my brother and simply hoping he would go away. Not in that

economy, could my bro go away. It was a humbling time.

>

> I myself, had heard from nada before the market went south, I guess when my

bro first asked her " would you help? " Much in the same way I had asked if I

could ever move back home (at a time when I was in a physically and emotionally

abusive relationship some 30 years ago. My mom never answered my letter and

(coincidentally) changed her phone number, which was unlisted. I figured my

answer was to go it alone with support from friends, and leave my relationship.

Situation was more complicated for my bro, who's parents (at the time) did have

money to give, when no one else did.

>

> Seeing her as " evil " , really blew my mind though. Fortunately, I finally

picked out that book I saw on my therapist's book shelf, Stop Walking on

Eggshells. Every question on the back of that book, was an easy yes answer. My

mom had BPD? Therapist, who knew me well, said, very likely it was so, would I

like to take the book home?

>

> Actually, I did not want to. But I did, and I found it the most hopeful book

I'd read in a long while. For one, it validated what I had already done in

separating from her. It was very affirming and to me it felt, if this could be

possible, optimistic. I had been afraid of the book because I was afraid of a

negative focus. I did not want to " give up " on nada. I also did know I needed to

detach more from taking her personally, and arguing with her. Though my stories

needed to be told in order to heal, I also saw that dwelling too much on them,

would keep my resentful and hurting.

>

> I also had my own mental-health vulnerability, and a few years earlier, I had

started a 12-step support group for the emotions.. I needed peers to share

with and learn from, and I needed a place where the medical was less the focus.

Medications for me were not enough. I needed to change my thinking, my diet

and get exercise to recover, and my psychiatrist was in almost mute about these.

I needed peers who could at least listen to me as I walked towards mental

health, by changing my thinking.

>

> At the point of my brother's financial challenges, I was realizing folks in my

group needed mentors (Sponsors) other than myself. Knowing that Alanon is a

program for family members of alcoholics, and that some of our members came from

alcoholic families, I followed my own advice and went to a meeting so I could

share with folks what the experience had been like.

>

> The level of recovery in the group I visited was incredible; it was a large

group and Sponsorship was active. The group dealt openly with their emotions,

boundaries and issues regarding family of origin, that for me, transcended

alcoholism. The model for recovery for family members of alcoholics, has many of

the same elements as the SWOE books. It's focus on solutions, also made Alanon

helpful to me.

>

> Many so-called recovered alcoholics, like folks with BPD, have poor ability to

regulate emotions. I heard people share how they deal with situations much

worse than mine, and felt less alone.

>

> I knew immediately that Alanon would help me heal in face-to-face life.

>

> It has also kept me honest, to read you all's shares when I can.

>

> I have taken a lot of time off from computer this past 10 months, because our

family knew we could be moving. We found out for sure that we would move three

states away... in late January.

>

> We de-cluttered and put our house on the market in April, after a

vacation/house hunting trip in March. And now we live in the deep South. And, we

are having to adjust when my son is a teenager, in middle school.

>

> It has been a challenge, but in all this, I put mental health first. I have

even better boundaries with my nada, and have been able to stay in contact. I

don't recommend this to everyone. I have had times of n no contact and limited

contact. During the worst of the move, the weekend before the movers came, I

did something I had never done before. I called nada, to tell her I would be

happy to hear from her in 3-4 weeks. I gave her a date to be back in touch. I

knew having her check in on me during the move would feel like she was being

present during a childbirth. EW. And nada is not someone I find comforting.

>

> I would say that boundary was not wonderfully received, but I don't know for

sure, as I got to leave my upbeat request on her answering machine. I do notice

that she denied me even my Father's Day phone call this year, but frankly, my

dad tends to let himself be a pillow on a coach... not much I can do to get to

him, unless my mom makes it possible.

>

> I did not empower her with my anger, because I was too busy unpacking.

>

> I am, today, grateful for a change in life, that has raised the bar for me, on

learning how to detach with self-compassion from my nada.

>

> When I get to share next it will be about my brother and his move. Which he

has kept secret from nada. I am caught in the middle of that, but still doing my

best to stay detached. Even stupid.

>

> Best,

>

>