Meet with nada and broke NC....

[Guest guest]

I met with nada and fada yesterday for my 35th birthday and broke a 3 year long

NC. We went to public place, I brought cash in case shit went down and I had to

leave, and drove myself.

I kept it calm and cool and just briefly shared the going on in our lives. Of

course, nada is an eternal victim and told me that she is sick, that she is

practically dying, that she is not doing well. She told me she is in therapy and

going to church, but I am not sure I believe her. She did the occasional jabs at

me and my husband, which I quickly defended and of course pulled the " Poor me "

persona. She has cancer, my dad is sick, blah blah blah.

I don't believe any of it.....

Seeing her fulfilled a strange desire I had to see her. I have no idea why and

maybe its because of my birthday or my mother in law living with us, but

somehting inside of me has been desperate to see her for a long time (even

though I have dismissed it several times in my head).

Seeing her made me feel like an alcoholic who took her first drink after being

sober for 3 years. I feel guilty for breaking NC because I know that she hasnt

and will never change. I feel guilty for talking to her when she has continously

(and repeatedly to this day) bashed my husband and his family when they have

been nothing but wondeful to me.

I wonder if im used to eating shit for so long, that I often crave it? Does

anyone go through this? Am I wrong for feeling guilty?

AJ

[Guest guest]

I hear you. Sounds like a masochistic impulse?

On Tue, Oct 23, 2012 at 12:55 PM, aj91507 adriennedelatorre@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> I met with nada and fada yesterday for my 35th birthday and broke a 3 year

> long NC. We went to public place, I brought cash in case shit went down and

> I had to leave, and drove myself.

>

> I kept it calm and cool and just briefly shared the going on in our lives.

> Of course, nada is an eternal victim and told me that she is sick, that she

> is practically dying, that she is not doing well. She told me she is in

> therapy and going to church, but I am not sure I believe her. She did the

> occasional jabs at me and my husband, which I quickly defended and of

> course pulled the " Poor me " persona. She has cancer, my dad is sick, blah

> blah blah.

>

>

[Guest guest]

AJ,

I see no reason for you to feel guilty. Who did you harm by

doing this? If you haven't harmed anyone or anything, then why

should there be any guilt involved? Do you think you harmed

yourself? It sounds to me like you needed to make contact with

her to reassure yourself in some way. Maybe you were secretly

harboring a hope that she had changed or that things weren't as

bad as they really were or some such thing. Whatever your

reason, you've seen that she hasn't changed so now you can go

back to not having contact with the reassurance that you took

care of whatever need you had to see her.

No contact is something that you can choose to keep or not keep

at any time. There's a sliding scale of contact. It isn't an all

or nothing deal. If what works for you is to have one meeting

every several years, that's a valid choice. If it works to never

have contact again, that's valid too. Do what feels right for

you and try to leave the guilt out of it. If some of the guilt

is that you feel you're betraying your husband by talking to

someone who bad-mouths him and his family, perhaps you'd feel

better if you told him how you feel. You are not to blame for

what she says.

At 12:55 PM 10/23/2012 aj91507 wrote:

>I met with nada and fada yesterday for my 35th birthday and

>broke a 3 year long NC. We went to public place, I brought cash

>in case shit went down and I had to leave, and drove myself.

>

>I kept it calm and cool and just briefly shared the going on in

>our lives. Of course, nada is an eternal victim and told me

>that she is sick, that she is practically dying, that she is

>not doing well. She told me she is in therapy and going to

>church, but I am not sure I believe her. She did the occasional

>jabs at me and my husband, which I quickly defended and of

>course pulled the " Poor me " persona. She has cancer, my dad is

>sick, blah blah blah.

>

>I don't believe any of it.....

>

>Seeing her fulfilled a strange desire I had to see her. I have

>no idea why and maybe its because of my birthday or my mother

>in law living with us, but somehting inside of me has been

>desperate to see her for a long time (even though I have

>dismissed it several times in my head).

>

>Seeing her made me feel like an alcoholic who took her first

>drink after being sober for 3 years. I feel guilty for breaking

>NC because I know that she hasnt and will never change. I feel

>guilty for talking to her when she has continously (and

>repeatedly to this day) bashed my husband and his family when

>they have been nothing but wondeful to me.

>

>I wonder if im used to eating shit for so long, that I often

>crave it? Does anyone go through this? Am I wrong for feeling

>guilty?

>

>AJ

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi AJ,

I agree...you shouldn't feel guilty. We're just human beings...it's our

natural instinct to want our mothers. What's not natural is teaching

ourselves to NOT want them...to really believe they are unsafe people. Out

of survival (and thriving), we've deadened a piece of our hearts...which

simply inflames every now and then.

Being 35 myself...it's a significant number. So it makes sense it'd trigger

you to miss your mom. I think 35 is a new stage of life and sometimes to

move forward we have to revisit our pasts. To validate, motivate and

further release ourselves from those toxic relationships. Like getting an

immunity shot (gotta get a little of the virus).

It sounds like a lot of positive opportunities can come from meeting with

your mom. You're more assured than ever she needs to remain at arms length

(or beyond) in your life. It sounds like she didn't rattle you...which can

show you how much stronger and self-empowered you are.

My only advice is to use this moment to further accept your human-ness. You

will always want your mom because you are normal. It's not negative or

positive...just human nature. When we make it a negative thing...then we

get ourselves stuck.

So when I don't hold to my boundaries with my mom, I've learned to just say

" oh well " and move on from the mistake as quickly as possible. The longer I

choose to beat up myself, the greater power/control natural mistakes have

over my life.

It sounds like you've built a great, supportive life, so I say let yourself

feel what you're feeling, then get back to enjoying your life (and you'll

reinforce those boundaries with mom again).

Take care,

AL

> **

>

>

> AJ,

> I see no reason for you to feel guilty. Who did you harm by

> doing this? If you haven't harmed anyone or anything, then why

> should there be any guilt involved? Do you think you harmed

> yourself? It sounds to me like you needed to make contact with

> her to reassure yourself in some way. Maybe you were secretly

> harboring a hope that she had changed or that things weren't as

> bad as they really were or some such thing. Whatever your

> reason, you've seen that she hasn't changed so now you can go

> back to not having contact with the reassurance that you took

> care of whatever need you had to see her.

>

> No contact is something that you can choose to keep or not keep

> at any time. There's a sliding scale of contact. It isn't an all

> or nothing deal. If what works for you is to have one meeting

> every several years, that's a valid choice. If it works to never

> have contact again, that's valid too. Do what feels right for

> you and try to leave the guilt out of it. If some of the guilt

> is that you feel you're betraying your husband by talking to

> someone who bad-mouths him and his family, perhaps you'd feel

> better if you told him how you feel. You are not to blame for

> what she says.

>

>

> At 12:55 PM 10/23/2012 aj91507 wrote:

> >I met with nada and fada yesterday for my 35th birthday and

> >broke a 3 year long NC. We went to public place, I brought cash

> >in case shit went down and I had to leave, and drove myself.

> >

> >I kept it calm and cool and just briefly shared the going on in

> >our lives. Of course, nada is an eternal victim and told me

> >that she is sick, that she is practically dying, that she is

> >not doing well. She told me she is in therapy and going to

> >church, but I am not sure I believe her. She did the occasional

> >jabs at me and my husband, which I quickly defended and of

> >course pulled the " Poor me " persona. She has cancer, my dad is

> >sick, blah blah blah.

> >

> >I don't believe any of it.....

> >

> >Seeing her fulfilled a strange desire I had to see her. I have

> >no idea why and maybe its because of my birthday or my mother

> >in law living with us, but somehting inside of me has been

> >desperate to see her for a long time (even though I have

> >dismissed it several times in my head).

> >

> >Seeing her made me feel like an alcoholic who took her first

> >drink after being sober for 3 years. I feel guilty for breaking

> >NC because I know that she hasnt and will never change. I feel

> >guilty for talking to her when she has continously (and

> >repeatedly to this day) bashed my husband and his family when

> >they have been nothing but wondeful to me.

> >

> >I wonder if im used to eating shit for so long, that I often

> >crave it? Does anyone go through this? Am I wrong for feeling

> >guilty?

> >

> >AJ

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I see this a little differently than the others who have posted here.

I can relate to the general feeling that you're referring to, the needing to see

her, on some level. I described that to a therapist once as " needing to see

(parent: npd, bpd/npd) in order to measure what I've learned. "

T insisted it was dangerous, that I would be hurt again, that I was sending a

wrong message, etc etc. I just needed to see, from the new space I'd grown into.

And I've returned several times over the last 20 years, same reason, responding

to my same strong need. It truly is part of my healing process.

>

> I met with nada and fada yesterday for my 35th birthday and broke a 3 year

long NC. We went to public place, I brought cash in case shit went down and I

had to leave, and drove myself.

>

> I kept it calm and cool and just briefly shared the going on in our lives. Of

course, nada is an eternal victim and told me that she is sick, that she is

practically dying, that she is not doing well. She told me she is in therapy and

going to church, but I am not sure I believe her. She did the occasional jabs at

me and my husband, which I quickly defended and of course pulled the " Poor me "

persona. She has cancer, my dad is sick, blah blah blah.

>

> I don't believe any of it.....

>

> Seeing her fulfilled a strange desire I had to see her. I have no idea why and

maybe its because of my birthday or my mother in law living with us, but

somehting inside of me has been desperate to see her for a long time (even

though I have dismissed it several times in my head).

>

> Seeing her made me feel like an alcoholic who took her first drink after being

sober for 3 years. I feel guilty for breaking NC because I know that she hasnt

and will never change. I feel guilty for talking to her when she has continously

(and repeatedly to this day) bashed my husband and his family when they have

been nothing but wondeful to me.

>

> I wonder if im used to eating shit for so long, that I often crave it? Does

anyone go through this? Am I wrong for feeling guilty?

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

> **

>

>

> I see this a little differently than the others who have posted here.

> I can relate to the general feeling that you're referring to, the needing

> to see her, on some level. I described that to a therapist once as " needing

> to see (parent: npd, bpd/npd) in order to measure what I've learned. "

>

> T insisted it was dangerous, that I would be hurt again, that I was

> sending a wrong message, etc etc. I just needed to see, from the new space

> I'd grown into. And I've returned several times over the last 20 years,

> same reason, responding to my same strong need. It truly is part of my

> healing process.

>

>

I think that's an entirely valid way of looking at it as long as you're

going back with care and consideration and conscious awareness (and a good

grasp of the basics of the problem).

The problem I ran into with " going back " was that until last year I never

grasped how intractable my Nada's issues really were, so I kept going home

in the blind hope that things had somehow magically gotten better while I

was gone, and of course they hadn't, so yes, I was getting repeatedly hurt.

And then after Dad died I made the bad assumption that this time she would

HAVE to have changed (how could she not?) and I put myself under her roof,

and this has been really difficult and painful. However, I hesitate to

refer to it as a " mistake " because if I had NOT come home and seen her

behavior with more mature eyes, I think I might have gone to my grave

wondering what was wrong with her -- and what was wrong with me as well --

that this horrible relationship dynamic never changed.

So in that regard, " going home again " was vital as it led me to realize

just how " off " she really was and to start searching for answers, which

brought me here eventually. And that's a very good thing.

However, now that I know what the situation is, once I get out of this

house (six weeks or so, no more, is what I'm working toward) my future

contacts with my Nada, if any, will be shaped by what I now know of the

nature of her problem. Before I had a grasp on what was going on with her,

I just kept bouncing back hoping for a real relationship and getting my

hopes dashed over and over again, which had a very bad effect on my own

emotional health because of the repeated failures without comprehension.

Anyway, I think if you're AWARE of the issue and don't have unrealistic

expectations, then going back to " check in " every now and then can be very

healthy and helpful. But if you keep bouncing back like I used to hoping

and praying that she would be " different now " , that's a prescription for

more trauma.

So awareness if very key to whether or not re-opening contact is a good

thing or a bad thing. Do you have a firm grasp on the realities of the

situation and are you grounded? If so, then do what you need to do. If

you're still secretly harboring fantasies of a spontaneous remission and

joyous reunion with your Real Mother, then you probably should stay away.

Best,

Jen H.